Thanks for stopping by, but please come visit me
where I’m writing now:
I have approximately 1.007412 seconds to write a post so ….
I’m-a take about 5 minutes and write a quickie.
For myself and whoever may be out there… (is anyone there?)
Here’s what’s up:
1. I moved. (Anyone want to see some more pictures?).
2. I AM LOVING IT. There are certain things that I feel some kind a way about, but it is very easy for me to focus on the positive.
3. A little before I moved and up till now, I have been very VERY ill. Yeah. So, that added to the pleasure of the experience known as moving. A little bonus WTF. Whatever. Totally Fine.
3. Oh, and I threw out my back. WINNING!! ALWAYS!!
4. NO social media or emails for me lately, I just have been too busy (work has been a hyper-verb), sick or overwhelmed.
5. BUT I am slowly coming around.
5. A while ago, I started a blog template… it just …sort of …happened. It’s stupid and I’m just leaving it. BUT. I need to change the theme because I cannot deal with Garamond Font ewthat’sgross.
6. http://missythings.wordpress.com/ If you are a curious on-looker. You could go ahead and add me to your feeder if you want, because I will stay at that domain and just change the theme (eventually?) but I’ll let you know here when I start blogging over there for real.
7. That’s all.
Tell me what’s up with you! 7 things. Or less. Or zero. You know.
So…. maybe I ought NOT to shut down comments huh? After writing my last post, which was in and of itself so relieving, I received such heartwarming, encouraging and logic-dropping support I feel buoyed.
I’d been drowning… trying to fight a rip tide all alone. Not smart.
Just who do I think I am?
Anyways – Just wanted to drop a quick line of thanks…
Izzy Bear, Leslie, Brick House Katie, K-Jo, Sherpa Windsay, Erin, Lex, Dara, Zuza, Jill and Andrea. Of course my everyday peoples Jozzelle, Rachel, and Jessie Jeans.
And last but not least, Sooz.
I can’t. I can’t put words to how awe–mazing she is and so much more.
Beautiful beyond description or comparison – she’s good people.
She ALWAYS rocks my world with her words and I wanted to share the email she wrote – with her permission of course. I added in pictures, but the last one is her’s.
Bee, how long did it take you to starve your body?
Do you really think it’s all babiebutts and roses just because you feed it a GDA of cals a few days/weeks/months? That’s not how it works and I know your logic brain knows this somewhere. When someone has been a general ass to you for YEARS, scolded you, bullied you, hit you, talked behind your back. FOR YEARS. Do you really think a box of chocolates (<–See what I just did there?) will make up for it? Or even two, and a card the week after?
That’s not how it works.
Trust is a homeostasis. Something that is achieved over a LONG period of time. You can’t make up for years of maltreatment by a single smile, baby bee. It will take years more to rebuild that relationship.
Relationships are a two-way thing. Just by feeding your body now doesn’t mean it instantly trusts you again.
Before the mutual trust is reestablished, your body needs to be able to really know it can rely on you.
That takes ages bee. Ages.
And it is TOTALLY worth it.
Purging? -> Trust? Uhhhh… yeah. No.
Bee, if there is ANYTHING to focus on right now, it is to stop the purging.
STOP THE PURGING.
I PROMISE you, for realz, that the bingeing is workable on with others. With therapy. With body-trust-you-re-establishment mutual stuff-ness. But the purging will take everything you have worked so hard on and are working so hard for and smash it all.
I am the QUEEN of binges
(no you aint taking that title I can promise you. For real. You’re NOT doing it any worse than I ever have, I can promise you that. For real Melis, I dont mean that as a funny competitive joke. Your binges are NOT worse than mine and I am sure we are not the only ones either).
And I am still here. And I am just accepting the possibilities to intervention by others. I am on that same road.
But the key point is; I am still here.
Hey you, I AM STILL HERE.
Despite of all the binges. It is NOT the end of the world and it will NOT be the death of you. I promise you. The purging will Melis. Please, please, if anything, whatever it takes, stop the purging. Scream, cry, smash the table wear Greek-diner style, claw a pillow apart, I don’t care. But find ways to sit through it, to howl through it. But don’t purge. I beg you
Howl to me if you need to. Bark. Wag yo tail(feathers). Anything.
You are not alone in this Bee. It’s just part of the ride. It’s doable. No fun, but doable. And worth it.
I left a comment on Sophia’s post “How Blogging Helped My Eating Disorder” I’d like to share. It sums up how I’ve been feeling about writing here.
(I’m leaving all my typos, spelling and grammar atrocities because that’s my commenting style. My fingers are fat, I chicken peck the keyboard. #owningit.)
I have a blog …. but for me it’s just like a little scrapbook hobby.
It’s just “my blog” not my “recovery blog” and I happen to struggle in recovery so yeah, so writing about food, eating disorders, body image…etc…is gonna pop up because that’s a big part of my life.
All in all, I think my blog has helped my efforts in recovery. Writing is a powerful tool, and the comments and feedback I receive are PRICELESS. Seriously. I think since I am so open nobody feels the need to blow smoke up my bum….I have a very open mind and welcome everyone’s opinion and feedback. I don’t always manage to listen though.
On that note — I DO NOT think my blog is “helping” or capable of “helping” others, though some say my writing “inspires them” or makes them think and stuff. They relate. And I write for me, at the end of the day. Not really for an “audience”
YET — I have been thinking…..is there a responsibility that comes with blogging? Can you actually be harmful? I’ve learned a lot about blogging that I was naive about in the past 3 months.
Lately I worry that I just make people worry about me. That makes me just want to disappear.
But I can’t. Cause then ED would win. And really only 7 people read my blog. Most of them are my family and RL friends. LOL.
But that’s the big clincher for me……no whether blogging can help or harm the individual…..but does the individual have the capacity to unwittingly harm others ?
(If you want). I miss my hobby. I’m not sweating over it or anything because it’s just my little blog and is really a miniscule part of my life.
Yet, I haven’t settled on how I feel about this.
I’d like your opinion. (is anyone reading this?)
I don’t feel good about my post yesterday. What started out as something positive for me (and really spontaneous) turned into something that was draining on my energy and I want to move on (i.e, get that post off my homepage.)
I appreciate all the comments (as always). They make me think, learn, and challenge myself which I know is necessary. So thank-you. I am sorry if I make some of you want to grab me by the shoulders and shake me into recovery.
I wish you could do that, too. Unfortunately there is no magic trick and my recovery is in my hands. I do my best with what I have.
Anyways….I had a giggle because with such a long rant yesterday I’m surprised nobody said:
“Dang girl, maybe you’d calm down if you ate a freaking carb!”
Raise your hand if you think I’m hilarious.
What are you doing in your life that is adventurous and beyond your routine?
I found a disturbing website today while reading Rachel’s Blog. It makes my heart sick. I hesitate to share this but the lesson is valuable.
I used to think it might be humorous to have a “Talk Soup” or “Perez Hilton” of the blogosphere. I envisioned poking fun at someone’s Freudian typo or light-hearted jabs about a bloggers predilection for pickles & peanut butter. You know, “Inside Jokes” about people’s foibles.
Foibles like taking pictures of oneself and posting them on the internet in a ridiculous fashion. (With either your bra strap or bathing suit showing).
Get Off My Internets comes close. Except it’s not funny. It’s sickening.
This is the worst example —> Click here (but be warned)<—–
I can’t stand it.
When I envisioned a “talk soup” of blogs, the banter was more friendly (like this<–.) But most forum topics on GOMI are negative.
Every minute we spend time on the internet we are at risk; we open the door to our minds and invite strangers in to party.
I’d encourage you to consider these “guests” carefully.
If you’re gonna party with people, makes sure they are people you want to be around when you’re under the influence.
Negativity is infectious and seductive. It’s easy to fall prey to something that’s funny or shocking. Hahaha…let’s have a good laugh. But each time we laugh at the expense of others you lose energy. It seeps out of your soul.
It SUCKS. Get it?
I know because I’ve had a few chuckles. I’m not ashamed…just regretful. What a waste.
I honestly didn’t think negative or judgmental things in my own cursory blog reading – but when something is called to your attention it triggers a reaction. It’s contagious.
I’m so sick of the negativity in the blogosphere.
I hope this is the last “negative” thing you read on the internet. I know it will be the last negative thing I write. (Except maybe in my Moments of Zen when I am bashing crazy commercials or products. Oh, and I’ll try and lay off my thighs)
PS- Should I leave this post up even? Or am I just spreading the nasty?
I don’t feel like blogging.
So I won’t.
I just did.
I wish I knew how to quit you!
I’ll write more when the spirit moves me. Blogging hasn’t been on God’s agenda for me lately. There is so much CHANGE stirring in my heart and soul, it’s a wonder I recognize myself in the mirror.
Suffice it to say – I’m speechless. Wordless. Blogless. (For now).