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Archive for the ‘The WORK of Recovery’ Category

The moment’s come when the pain is too much and I can see what is to come in the future unless… unless….

Unless me.

That is all.

Unless me.

Me.

I have to change. 
I have to change. 
I have to change.

Shoooo….
Why it gotta be so difficult? 
How come change take work?

Can’t I just…

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Sitting around and waiting for something magical to happen is not working.

So I guess I got a lot of work to do.

Nenen

*And God.

**Inspired by an email I wrote to Sooz

 

 

 

change

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UnicornWhale 

#me #nailed it

This bloggirl is under construction.
Pardon my fairy dust.

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I want to thank all of you for the support, feedback, enlightenment and inspiration y’all have blessed me with here, there and everywhere.

Not sure which way is up right now, but am looking for the right direction. Meanwhile, my writing may be sporadic (when has it ever NOT been sporadic?).

Come to think of it, when have I ever NOT been under construction?

 

 

This was my soundtrack this morning.

Listen (if you want) because I love to share my musics.

 

“Now everyday I wake up I take out time

to give thanx that I’m still existing

Still insisting

that my people open up their eyes up

and wise up

so we all can rise up

WAY ABOVE the rim of the muck

But we can’t if we’re stuck

In “I don’t give a f*ck”

And lost in a daze Lost in a maze

This ain’t nothin but the end

So follow me into the sun and let your soul be free”

 

"It feels good to know that though you’re falling down,

you’re gonna land on your feet."


Ps- Thanks Zoe for the mind-blowing image it has been my mascot for the past month and a half.

PPS- Listen to the Strange Fruit Project!!  DOOOO ITTTT!

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I. Give. Up.

I Can’t.

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn


If you want to comment:

  • Ever reach the end of your rope, find yourself on your knees? Gone through something where you felt life needed to change or you would rather die? Tell me about your rock bottom. I feel like I have reached mine 1000 times over but obviously not, it just keeps getting deeper.

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It’s like:

 

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And repeat.

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Today I realized I need to officially designate my body as a “no comment” zone.

People comment on my body ALL THE TIME and I usually just let it go…  I’m pretty open when it comes to “body talk.”  Most comments are along the lines of "you look good” or “better" and I can get (or fake) a little "this is a good thing” moment.

It seemed like being overly protective or guarded about body discussion would be more disordered – allowing me to escape further from reality and down the rabbit hole into funhouse mirror land.

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But perhaps now is the time to make a firm boundary (I have no problems being outspoken thank goodness LOL) and not entertain ANY commentary because it just f*cks with my mind. I am a food addict … it is all poison to me.

I have settled on my catch phrase and from now on I will be saying the following:

“We’re not talking about my body so….

 

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and

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Then I will smile pretty and because I am me the person will probably laugh and the moment will pass.

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I should probably keep this mentality in mind when I go bathing suit shopping but more on that later… or not. 

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Last year I wrote that I never wanted to forget how I spent Memorial Day Weekend. I was weak, ill, and contemplating going to Urgent Care or the ER.  Scary sick. I wanted to cement that fear in my memory – I knew my tendency to get glossified and gitterized — distracted when it comes to the severity of my situation.

I didn’t forget.
I thought about it a lot this weekend…

When I swam 2500 meters (that’s 100 laps).

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(#NinjaStyle)

When I contemplated what classes I might register for…because this might actually happen.

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Unlike last year, I have more than enough energy to get out of bed. Physically. Yet it’s pretty much the last thing I want to do.

I need to be honest.
I in NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM feel this weekend was any better than last. Really.

My body is no longer close to death – but I feel like I am. Emotionally, spiritually, socially… I am devastated.  Going into details here won’t serve me any good, I have plenty of outlets to express this stuff.

But it’s important that I let some of it show on my blog, lest I make it all look too easy. I am going through TORTURE. Everyday.

BUT I am here doing it.
Swimming. Dancing.
Seeing Beauty and Light.

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That’s just the way I am.

PS- My eye feels better. Must have been a rogue scratch or something from the chlorine?
PPS- I am not closing comments like I normally would because… what is there to say, right? But you can take my quiz!

1. Ever taken dance classes? (I have taken acro, ballet, tap, jazz and bellydance. I’ve popped in to a few Zumbas but couldn’t last because I was too weak. )
2. Do you swim for exercise?

3. Any big changes between your last Memorial Day and now?

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I read something amazing today and wanted to share:

Love your sadness. It won’t last.

"Sadness gives you the chance to be still with the most tender place of your being.
Sadness is an opportunity to deeply appreciate your losses and your longings.

Sadness brings you eye to eye with your desires.
Appreciation is fuel for change.

Love gives your sadness the energy it needs to move through you… so it can move on.

By loving your sadness, you’re respecting your truth.
And freedom always follows truth."

Excerpt from Danielle LaPorte

I am ALL THE TIME trying to escape the sads, because it just doesn’t feel like me.

stop being sad

Also because I get distracted by glitter and butterflies. Nene Leakes.  Peanut Butter. I never get a chance to fully “sit with” the feelings.

I run, I numb, I allow the feelings to be dimmed by the beautiful light so abundant in this world…
But I need to pay more attention to them.

I wouldn’t share this if I thought this wasn’t something universal to us all.

I hope it gives you cause for pause next time you find yourself feeling annoyed by/embarrassed of/frustrated with your sads.

Show them some love.

Also? I’m on The Instagram now.
Just like all the cool kids.

Check it out and “follow” me (if you want) so I can follow you!

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Hey-yo.

So. Haven’t been writing much here of late and yet I continue to gain new subscribers (hello!). I know most  people reading here are close to me so you know I am still “around” in this blogo-wtf-osphere.

Anywhoo…. I’ve been going through quite a lot and I feel a calm approaching as well as a drive to write. I am still waiting for that “where to begin” moment but until then I will just say ……

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I’ve got 110 problems and yeah…..not eating is not one. LOL.

I have so much energy it feels foreign. I KILL it in the pool (if only I weren’t so unmotivated), I got back .. like “baby got back” and my body seems to change everyday.
Crazy.

And I feel  SOOOOOOOO F*cked ….for now.

Alas, no applause please. I can claim no recovery —  my behavior and thoughts are deplorable, but since this blog is a diary of sorts I may as well share and start now.

Seriously. Glitter can barely hold court in my mind right now against the tyranny of my discomfort.
BUT MY MIND IS FIGHTING.
I want life so bad.

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