Archive for the ‘My Metamorphosis’ Category

My Pad

For the two people who requested them. Here is the condo before I moved my life in…my furniture for now looks awkward anyway. Lol.       























Posted from my phone. It looks different IRL. I suck at photos and take everything with my phone.

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My Pad

For the two people who requested them. Here is the condo before I moved my life in…my furniture for now looks awkward anyway. Lol.       

























Posted from my phone. It looks different IRL. I suck at photos and take everything with my phone.

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Can I just……

(*&^^&$%$#$#lions TYFGVtireHGV JB G%^#%^#$*%^ )&*BY YGtigers%&#%E$ (OTGFH X%$@#Q #$E*I^&T*()&GbearsH ^B&*(PH&button(%RVC$^ ohmy#QWJ HBpurpleTURV^%$Runicorn (T^*) &*_& gearT%^ ED*%lamp^B N(^) *&MN(UM*)<{K()*KIlotion<{IMHT&(FB*^%VE* %$StypeX&%VBR^F ^*GIO^*T 8t7gn ohnenejgk uybKTGNM*(^N)&y-what?


I feel better…no…wait…

*&^&%^$. &%^*YG.      &^u 




What is happening?

All the things.
All the things are happening.

All at once, all the time.

And I’m like:


Actually, my life is very simple. I know this. BUT.

I am moving on the 24th; into my first home no less. There have been some serious changes at work that I am excited/stressed about as well as several large projects keeping me busy, new co-workers and DBAs. Lots of change.

On a personal level I am overwhelmed with change….my body (duh), my mind, my thoughts, my opinions, my tastes, my feelings…. are all changing and evolving.  Radically.

I don’t even know.


It’s just… everything feels like happening.


I have gotten rid of over 300 books and more than 1/2 of my wardrobe ( much easier when nothing comes even close to fitting.)

I’m getting rid of stuff and moving on from a lot of things…

including this blog.

tumblr_mj649fyZI81qbvrvlo2_400 (1)


I’m starting fresh on a new blog. I’ve had fleeting thoughts about it over the past two months. But blogging isn’t something I spend a lot of time contemplating… like I always say, this blog writes itself. Once again, this blog is writing itself a new chapter.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about self-hosting and pimping myself out and trying to gain readership and pageviews and actually write something cohesive so my blog made sense. NO. It’ll be me, on another WordPress template just doing my thing. S-O-S.

Except, more emphasis on the “S-O” and less of the “S.”

In the past I never understood when a person talked about starting a new blog, but now I do.

It was REALLY weird for me to think about blogging again… I never really thought about blogging in the first place.  As I was contemplating names and whatever it felt SO stupid to me. Like… why blog?

It became obvious to me: Stop blogging here or stop blogging.


I like having a blog. So.

Things fell into place in my mind- organically. That was important because I can’t/won’t force anything. A “name” came to me. It’s stupid. I don’t care. Don’t worry, it’s not “Sparkles and Peanut Butter.”

Although…. I would definitely check out a blog with that name for sure. Any-

It will still just be “my blog” that I have and keep doing me the same way as I do over here.


I’m not gonna be like “Beautiful Struggle?”:

who was that

Same girl, same blog, just a little fresher.

I hope all my friendlies will stick with me.

See ya in October (or sooner).

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Last year I wrote that I never wanted to forget how I spent Memorial Day Weekend. I was weak, ill, and contemplating going to Urgent Care or the ER.  Scary sick. I wanted to cement that fear in my memory – I knew my tendency to get glossified and gitterized — distracted when it comes to the severity of my situation.

I didn’t forget.
I thought about it a lot this weekend…

When I swam 2500 meters (that’s 100 laps).



When I contemplated what classes I might register for…because this might actually happen.


Unlike last year, I have more than enough energy to get out of bed. Physically. Yet it’s pretty much the last thing I want to do.

I need to be honest.
I in NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM feel this weekend was any better than last. Really.

My body is no longer close to death – but I feel like I am. Emotionally, spiritually, socially… I am devastated.  Going into details here won’t serve me any good, I have plenty of outlets to express this stuff.

But it’s important that I let some of it show on my blog, lest I make it all look too easy. I am going through TORTURE. Everyday.

BUT I am here doing it.
Swimming. Dancing.
Seeing Beauty and Light.


That’s just the way I am.

PS- My eye feels better. Must have been a rogue scratch or something from the chlorine?
PPS- I am not closing comments like I normally would because… what is there to say, right? But you can take my quiz!

1. Ever taken dance classes? (I have taken acro, ballet, tap, jazz and bellydance. I’ve popped in to a few Zumbas but couldn’t last because I was too weak. )
2. Do you swim for exercise?

3. Any big changes between your last Memorial Day and now?

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I have such beautiful friends.
And yes, if you are reading this count yourself in.

Because without blogging…

It takes a good friend to read my ridiculousness – and if you enjoy it?
Well then you’re just as special as I am.

We obviously have something in common, which is why I want to share this amazing gift my friend Debbie surprised me with.

Debbie stopped by randomly with the sweetest, encouraging card and one of her favorite photos (she’s a great photog).

  Sparkly 021

I was so touched by the beautiful message in the card – but blown away when she explained what she saw in the picture.

The peacock is looking at it’s reflection – but look at what he sees.

Despite seeing the beautiful colors in the world … his image remains stark. In shadow.
Just take a moment and look at what he is seeing of himself.

   Sparkly 022-001

And yet….

There is so much that he is missing.

Sparkly 022

Don’t we all have a little bit of that Peacock inside?
We, as humans, are so easily deceived by our own self-evaluation.

It’s heartbreaking how we can be so blind to our own amazing beauty. And how sometimes that blindspot can leads us to behaviors and attitudes that harm us.

We are all Children of God, or for those who prefer –

Birds of a Feather.
What I’m saying is….we’re all unicorns peacocks.

Unless….you can be a unicorn. Then for sure do that.

I hope you remember this whole “peacock thing” at a time when you feel anything less than WHO you really are and what you’re capable of. 

Also —

You need to know that while contemplating a clever title for this post I naturally thought of incorporating Peanut Butter …….

but then:

Pea(nut butter)cock.

I’m ruined for a while. I know I say “peanut butter on ALL the things!” but…no.

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Hey ya’ll.

So. Another week come and gone with no blogwriting-mojo but here I am now.
Just gonna flow … stream of consciousness …

Try not to drown.

One of the reasons why I enjoy to write here is because I enjoy YOU. Who is “you,” you ask? YOU. Yes you.
Your comments and friendlies and the fact that for the most part you GET me.

That being said…


Yup. Still hanging around here in meh-sville (which as I write this I am realizing is the same neighborhood as ME-sville and yes I am so all up in myself right now it’s pathetic.)


I realize to everything a season and that I must be feeling this way with reason and for purpose. But still…
Not a cool place to be.

Especially for me.

I’m usually able to find the bright side, the sunny side, the rainbows…

Or, you know…I eat my way there.



My cutest friendly ‘”brick house” Katie shared some great quotes the other day – one of which was:



And me – in my meh-sville/me-sville “mememe” mental mode – got personal in her comments section.

“I have a whole mental “thing” about that word. Since High School I’ve always said…

“I just don’t know how to be”

My friends would ask “how to be … what?” or “how to be ..when?”

And I’m like…

“No … I just don’t know how to just be.”

I’m always and have always been shifting and thinking and swirling …

wondering, wandering, waiting, wanting…

I long to be.

Just BE.

Breathe and God’s Presence takes me to that place every.single.time.

So, the “be” thing is amplified about eleventy gazillion percent toi the ninth power with this weight gain and body discomfort. Which – is necessary should I choose top recover.

This is always ALWAYS my breaking point and I am devoting so much energy to BE-ing in this skin.

My friend Rachel has been helping me, allowing me to share the specifics and she wrote something to me that really moved me.

And then she made it a picture for me to have.

dance in them

I’m trying to learn to dance in my own skin despite the discomfort.

That’s all.

No –wait! I’m not done yet.

Peanut Butter is delicious.

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One of the most difficult questions you could ever ask me is

“How are you?”

Such a loaded question. Most often asked on auto-pilot. I’ve never known how to answer it, which is usually what I tell people when they ask. 

I used to bust out my Big Gay Al….


But it’s not 1997 anymore and well…it’s lost on most people. (But not “my people”… if you know what I mean. We know what’s what.)

So for the past decade or so I have resorted to simply stating..

I am

“I am.”



That’s how I be.

It’s probably lost on most people. (Weirdo)

But Whatever. Totally Fine.

Because if I started to get into it….

Picture 028 (1)

Girl? Put away your serious. Ain’t nobody wanna see that.

…I might hit you with something like this:

(get ready to rock-&-scroll)

Is it July yet? I knew June was going to be hard, but this is just nasty.
I have been in THE funk to end all funks …. and I’m not talking George Clinton P-funk. Nope.

I’ve been breathing and being and smiling and taking each day at a time, yet I’m unable to escape the underlying stench of stankazz funk just festering inside. Yuck.

This weekend it all came to a crescendo, like a tsunami. (Does anyone say tidal wave anymore or did that go out of style too?)

The funk did what it had to do, leaving me a washed up wreck for a bit. I’m all soggy and stuff but at least the worst is over? I keep thinking all of this turmoil is part and parcel of a deeper transformation. For the better.

Now that I’m over the crest, I feel a bit more able to move onwards and upwards….get my good funk on.



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