Hey, hey, hey.
One of the prompts for NHBPM is “Write about something taboo.”
I thought about many things that may be considered taboo– but as far as ED recovery communities I’ve been a part of …there’s not much off limits. As for me personally with friends? l’m willing to open the book and lay it on the table.
I’m not a fan of the whole “ED-PC” thing, though I am sensitive to it and censor myself as I can.
As always – I like to keep things light and humorous so please remember that as I broach a subject even I find taboo.
So what do I think is taboo?
I think pretty much everyone has a common though at least once or twice in recovery, but it sounds so silly it’s hard to say out loud.
I’m lucky enough to be in recovery rooms amongst people suffering from ALL forms of eating dis-order and food addiction. The whole spectrum: from restricting-only featherweights to obese binge eaters, and ALL combinations and variations between. Many people experience the entire spectrum throughout their live. I relate to that.
At the end of the day – it’s the same demon. The same Hell.
So…I guess you can say a typical meeting may look a little something like this.
We all different.
Sometimes (not all) the physical implications of dis-ordered eating effect the body in such a way the recovery would naturally produce a shift in body weight either up or down the scales. Sometimes people maintain a weight when their behavior ceases.
We are ALL gaining health and sanity. Period.
Weight is part of some of our stories, however. Some people who are further along in recovery share their story during a meeting – weight loss is often a part of it. The pounds lost, the clothes getting looser…etc.
While I sat in meetings or read online-community forum posts I have, from time to time, half heartedly thought with a silly sigh,
“Recovery would be easier and more comfortable for me if staying abstinent from food meant losing weight rather than gaining.”
Not that I want to lose weight technically, just to not have to go through the painful nerve-ending mindscrew of weight gain. Again – it is a silly silly thought.
I’m not alone.
For some people – they think half-heartedly “Heck – recovery would be much easier for me if food abstinence meant gaining weight…just eat more and exercise less and meanwhile not have to worry about the social implications of being overweight whilst doing it (thanks, society).”
I KNOW these are flawed notions in so many ways – I think we all know that. Recovery for us all means pain. We have to relinquish and surrender it ALL….the focus on food and controlling the shape or appearance of our bodies and weight.
That means withdrawal. BIG TIME.
Whether that means gaining OR losing - you’re going to suffer when your food gets taken away from you.
Again- same demon, same hell. It’s silly that we imagine one version of it would be more comfortable to handle than another.
Even though most out-of-denial people know these fleeting thoughts are just silly…..I bet we’ve all though them for a millisecond.
Look….eating disorders are not about weight or food. They’re not NOT about weight or food either. Nobody that suffers has it easier or worse than another. NO ONE.
We all know this. I know this. I want to reinforce that so as not to be misunderstood.
It’s just a little stupid thought.
Have you ever had it?
“Don’t you wish your recovery was “easy” like “theirs?”
The grass is never greener…in hell.
There you have it. Two days in a row missed. You’re allowed two days off but I can tell you right now there will be MANY more where those came from. #gettingold.
Previous posts for NHBPM can be found here.
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