Every Tuesday (I love playing mental games with days of the week for real…not just in blog world) I try and do something atypical. I tend to get myself in a rut and well…
About five minutes ago the thought occurred to me it would be highly atypical for me to blog with no forethought or purpose…or..GASP! pictures. (Still cringing).
So here I am now.
For real. I have no idea. But I’m rolling with the challenge.
Yeah…so…I’ve had “a day.” You know the ones…it’s just…
I enjoyed and loved so much and so many aspects of the day because that is how I am, beauty and struggle and all of that #blogtitle.
I laughed, I made crazy conversations with strangers, I listened to ILL hip-hop in my minivan…I printed hilarious photos of my brother and planted them on his desk….I am about to eat a mind-blowingly delicious piece of fresh, wild-caught flaky buttery piece of Cod…
But….wow. It’s been a day.
After work I found myself mentally berating myself because … my life is EASY. Really. I am employed, I live alone with my dog and we rule the roost. I have no one to cook for, no second job, no handicaps, I have an apartment with AC, Cable…etc. It’s pretty nice, too.
I have not the blessing of responsibilities that come with kids and I have loving parents who are both alive and supportive. I have a car, friends, Jesus….I mean….seriously.
So why? Why? Do I feel so beat up?
But–what I also have is a freaking war going on inside my mind. Right now? It’s pretty much every second. I am mentally engaged, with the help of God, in battling these insidious feelings of total discomfort in my skin and the thoughts of “fixing it”…which means losing weight. Even though in my mind it doesn’t sound like that. This is not about fat or thin. Let me make that clear.
Hard to explain – BUT – relief comes in losing mass, flesh…bulk. That’s not an option. That means losing health. I have to keep reminding myself of that all the ding-dong time. It has finally donned on me that I can’t NOT gain weight and truly live.
On the outside..I’m like a lazy piece of something else….but on the inside? I am working HARD.
So, I remember that. It helps me … and I want anyone who reads this to remember that NO ONE knows what anyone goes through on the daily.
I may be lacking in many areas right now in terms of living life to the fullest BUT I am doing the most important work in what will enable me to live a full life.