This graph captures my experience with recovery. Take a look.
When I first started this journey, I was filled with optimism and excitement. The changes I made were incredibly rewarding. It was a natural high.
Then I reach the point where I have to INVEST EVERYTHING in recovery and let go of my eating disorder ENTIRELY.
Enter FEAR. You have to take a risk.
—-> I wrote about it here <—
FEAR has gotten the best of me once again.
I started denying my problems or ignoring them. I’m trying to negotiate my recovery. Do it my way. #howsthatworkingoutforyou?
I’ve continued down the slope of disease. And I do mean down. I’m no longer IN DENIAL, I’m living WITH DENIAL. That means being gruesomely aware each time I act in my disease. It obliterates my self-esteem. Yet, I can’t seem to stop.
I’m terrified. I’ve never experienced a trough so low. The gravity of my situation is new to me as my behaviors have progressed in ways I’ve never fathomed.
I’ve been in a state of PANIC for some time.
Panic is TIRING. I’ve bottomed out.
Though I’m in tremendous pain, I have so much gratitude. My hope is still alive and I have FAITH. Actually, that’s ALL I have.
I can barely recognize myself. I am an empty shell.
When we are left with nothing – we have nothing left to lose.
Recovery is NOT pretty. I guess I thought I’d wake up one day and be “normal.”
Oh, and I suppose I blocked out the whole “weight-gain” thing. Who cares about weight? It turns out I do. I’ve gained a great deal of weight and it is no less than torture. #ED = EVIL.
Recovery can be UGLY at times. It’s no magic carpet ride. It’s gruesome and painful and I suppose I’m just realizing that now.
Recovery is NOT pretty. It’s a rollercoaster in a messed-up, demonic amusement park. I don’t remember paying for admission, but I’m here now. Desperate to get back up and find the EXIT.
I’m not sure I’ll be writing about recovery for a while. Rest assured my heart is in a good place. I’m not looking for advice. I will not be entering a treatment facility at this time for several reasons both rational and imagined. Please refrain from leaving comments suggesting I do. I have engaged a therapist.