This is difficult to write. I intend to be as delicate as I can. I’m sorry if anyone finds this offensive or disturbing – (I don’t say the T-word<–)
I’ve been belligerent lately and it doesn’t suit me.
After visiting Jess at the Renfrew Center, I drove home feeling angry.
It had nothing to do with Jess, I loved spending time with her (it would’ve been better if she was on vacation though).
While there, I met two women who were textbook-case, shock & awe, tabloid television, no hair, almost in-human examples of an anorexic figure. (I’m trying to be delicate, but let’s get real.)
We’ve all seen it. I’ll link to Isabelle Caro (rest her soul), because she intentionally used her shocking appearance in the media to aggressively campaign against anorexia.
It was heart-breaking. These women bought tears to my eyes. I could tell they were beautiful, delightful souls – their spirits practically shining out from within them as they spoke.
It was like seeing a rainbow inside of a skull, inside a skeletal Halloween-costume and mask. The pained expressions of their families devastated me.
I left feeling angry – angry at this disease, but also angry at myself. I felt so foolish running around focusing on recovery and shoving food down my throat in the interest of gaining weight. I’m okay for the most part.
I feel tired of people mentioning my weight. I’m even more frustrated that I continue to take other people’s opinions into consideration. I told my friends and family,
“I’m OVER IT.”
“I don’t care anymore what anyone has to say about my weight. I feel fine and it’s my body and it will find the place it wants to be.”
That’s when my brother said this:
“Just because someone lost more than you at the casino,
doesn’t mean you don’t
have a gambling problem”
I thanked him.
It’s not about weight.
My little rant above? It’s a familiar one. People battle eating disorders everyday even though they are weight restored or even overweight. Some refuse treatment because they don’t feel “sick enough.”
I’m sharing this quote for them.
I’m sharing for all women with disordered eating patterns and complicated relationships with food.
It’s NOT OKAY.
It’s not okay to feel guilt or anxiety about missing a workout. It’s not okay to skip meals to make up for a “splurge.” It’s not okay to say you’re being “bad” when you eat chocolate cake or cut out carbs three days before an event.
It’s not okay –even if the magazines portray this behavior as normal.
At my worst, I looked scary. There are no pictures from that time, because I wasn’t really present. (I never lost my hair thank goodness and I’ve a naturally full face that can withstand a ton of weight loss.)
I have come so far since then and have made great strides in the past few months.
This picture never made it online, I look too tired and thin.
The photo below gives me the creeps on so many levels.
I was aiming for “surrender” but it came out more “crucifix.”
Today my weight is healthier, but my thoughts aren’t.
I’m proud of myself but I still have work to do.
My struggle is not over.
It’s not a matter of weight.
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