I had my first free therapy session yesterday. I laughed, I cried (often simultaneously) and just cut loose.
I left completely confoozled. Why?
“I don’t think you need to gain any weight. I think you look great.”
*I must note she does not specialize in EDs. I was hesitant to see her, but heck..it’s a free place to go, cry and be insane. Did I mention she’s severely underweight due to illness and fed through a PEG tube? Hmm.
I was crying frustrated tears. “I don’t even want to argue with you because I want to believe you…” and she responded “I would never lie to you.” I sucked it up and told her my most recent weight and she didn’t flinch. Hmm.
I was full of thoughts.
Because F is for….Flawed Logic. <—Remember?
Last night and today I kept focusing on it, trying to learn and examine how I felt. What am I to do with this information?….Should I take it and run? Use it as an excuse to not gain, maybe restrict and lose weight in order to feel comfortable? Will I continue seeing her? Is she right? Is everyone else wrong? Should I stop seeing her? How do I process this? Blargedy, Blagh, Blah…..
I was ALL UP IN MY HEAD.
broke snapped…I felt a distinct SNIP in my brain. A disconnect.
I got angry – something I rarely feel.
I was angry at myself. At this stupid dialogue in my head because really? I know better.
This little “drama” I was acting out was just pandering to my eating disorder, I was pretending to be stupid.
I’ve had enough. I put my foot down.
Better yet? I put my cup down.
This amazing woman wrote:
The first step in the right direction in recovery from an eating disorder is acceptance, not per say of yourself, because it is not possible with a distorted mind. But acceptance in recovering and finding yourself. This means you need to force your mind to separate from your body. See yourself as a being one entity, all of it’s own without your eating disorder. Put a cup in front of you and make that your disorder. It is NO longer in your mind. Until you can force yourself to see this difference, you will always live WITH an eating disorder rather than recover from one. Until you understand and accept it is all in your head, your life will be run by food- plain and simple.
I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
She’s right. I am NOT this insanity. Believe it or not, there is an intelligent, insightful, strong woman sitting here.
All of this selfish, pathetic mess?
It’s not me.
Truth is: I don’t care what my therapist said about my weight. What does she know? It really doesn’t matter to me. My eating disorder might want it to matter (poor you..you are such a victim, how could she have said that…blahyuckedyblah) but…really?
I know better than that. I AM better than that.
My recovery is up to ME. I’ll figure out what’s best by leaning on God, my own body’s amazing knowledge, and what I know in my heart to be true.
Enough. Enough drama. I’m tired of playing pretend.
- Ever feel like you dumb yourself down just because it’s easier?
- Ever had a “SNIP” moment where you just…disconnect from your crazy thoughts?