Christmas came and went. There was plenty of holly and jolly and a touch of melancholy (we are still grieving for my brother). I loved spending time with my family.
There was plenty of opportunity to remember how great God’s love for us is….so great he gave us Jesus.
All of this was shadowed by the dark, incessant nastiness of my eating disorder. The past month was a messy one for me in terms of recovery and I wasn’t surprised my day was shadowed by compulsions to restrict, difficulty eating, and thoughts of body and weight.
My whole family is gaining unhealthy amounts of weight. I worry. My 8 year-old nephew is alarming big with a very poor diet that may lead to diabetes.
I worry about my niece, now at the vulnerable age of 13. I cringe that she has grown up watching me eat salads and look frighteningly thin at times. What am I involuntarily teaching her? She has never seen me eat birthday cake or dessert or…really much at all. It breaks my heart. I LOVE her so much. She’s completely fine but I wish I were a better role model.
So my Holiday was shadowed by all of this craziness…because I was aware of it.
It did not outshine the good times.
I am stronger than I once was. Despite all the insanity I was able to be present. My shadow was there…but I was more than a shadow.
Maybe not the woman I want to be, but better than the woman I was.
And still crazy after all these years, dude.
There may have been an uninvited guest for dinner, but I did not set it a place setting. I fed it scraps from the table like the dirty dog it was.
- Were there any shadows during your Christmas festivities?
- Anyone in your life you wish you were able to be a better role model for?