I have gone from feeling decidedly ungroovy to entirely unglued.
The tightrope of recovery I’ve been walking has become a slippery slope.
I’ve lost my balance. I’ve slipped. I feel the gravity of my disease pull me down.
I’ve been going to 12 step meetings…but I have not entirely engaged in the process. I know there is a lot of wisdom and valuable truths in the 12-step process. It’s just so … regimented. Let’s just say I can’t see myself collecting Bingo chips, celebrating “birthdays,” and running around quoting the blue book. I prefer to quote the bible. This sounds negative, but my mind is still wide open. I just feel like you can benefit from it without being a card-carrying member.
The first step is admitting that you are powerless over your disease and that your life has become unmanageable. I initially thought, “Of course I am. I completely agree. ” Then, I realized I actually have a big problem accepting that. Powerless? I am a child of God…this is only a weakness. Can’t I just, with God’s grace, snap out of it? Straighten up and act right?
But I waffle…because I always doubt myself. Is it me who doesn’t want to accept powerlessness or my disease?
Anyway…this is not a fun post to write because I am not in a good state right now. My life feels completely crazy to me, and I feel like I can’t help myself. Like I am….there’s that word again… Powerless.
And if I am, that is an UGLY, SCARY truth that I am going to have to face.
Fact of the matter is, I have not made a lot of progress. If I continue to believe that I can fight this…that I have some power inside me then I need to prove it to myself. Quickly.
Because I just can’t deal with this anymore. Enough is Enough.