If I am to be honest with myself– and being honest with myself is VITAL to my recovery — I have to face the fact that I am …..
Call it what you will: slipping, back-tracking, losing focus…just not RELAPSE.
Relapse would mean a complete 180 back to the darkness. I am still making a lot of good choices, going to meetings, praying for recovery…etc. I prefer the term misbehavior to describe what I am experiencing.
I can’t ignore these BEHAVIORS of mine that started after losing my appetite a few weeks ago. I can no longer deny that they SCREAM “EATING DISORDERED.”
I have been behaving very badly. Not on my best behavior. Bad Girl.
In an effort to deal with this in a manner akin to writing sentences on the chalkboard or wearing the DUNCE cap in class… I have decided to capture these behaviors on my blog – an attempt to virtually simulate a time – out.
“Go to my room, think about what I did, and not come out until I’m ready to behave.”
I am not going to punish myself…recovery is a process. I have no reason to feel “bad” or “guilty” about a bit of misbehavior — a little funny business. I’m a work in progress! I have to learn from my mistakes.
Without further delay here it is. The ugly truth of what I have been up to.
- Weighing myself. It started innocently enough, because I had not weighed myself in … 9,10 months? I needed gauge where my weight is. Seeing the number was highly alarming, actually. So…why I have done it since? Am I still alarmed or perversely amused? Hmmm…bad, bad, Missy. This should, fortunately, be easy to resolve. Weighing myself was never the full-blown, consuming obsession I have known it to be in other anorexics. I managed to avoid the rabbit-hole to that particular wonderland. (thank you God).
- Eating far too many egg whites because they are just easy and safe for me right now and telling myself “after all, I just have no appetite.” I must admit I am NOT eating, because 1/2 cup egg whites does not a lunch make.
- Dousing my food with mustard, hot sauce….almost as if I don’t want to taste it. I am not talking about normal amounts. I’m talking — embarrassing, shameful amounts. Anyone witnessing this behavior would surely feel sick to their stomach.
- More than a few trips to the store that entail purchases of 4 different types of mustard and 3 different hot sauces –even when I have some at home. Then proceeding to check-out with little else in my cart besides diet soda, maybe. Straight up freak behavior.
- Lots of caffeine. And enjoying the way it makes me workout like a maniac. Yes, I enjoy feeling all the endorphins when I have a fantastic swim, but lets face it. This is bad behavior.
- Eating and craving pickles, mustards, hot sauces, olives like crazy! This is 1). An anorexic behavior of looking for food-alternatives/substitutes. 2) A primal yearning for salt — a sign of dehydration.
- KINDA-sorta feeling the ISOLATING tip. I had been feeling lonely lately — disappointed that all my plans kept falling through. I adopted the mindset of just entertaining myself and hoping social activities would find me rather than search them out. I fear this is not a good sign. I’m not concerned if I spend any time with another person this weekend. Last week I was feeling so alone!
These behaviors alarm me because they are ghosts from the past….I did all of them (to a greater degree, with reckless abandon, and no self-awareness) when I was “in the trenches.”
You can’t BS*** a BSh***er….ya know? I know this is bad stuff.
So…..deep breath. “Mommy can I come out now? I promise I’ll do better!”
Coincidentally (if you catch the pop culture reference in my title)