Three weeks ago I got uber-dehydrated while vacationing and promptly lost my appetite. A normal occurence when one is ill. No real cause for alarm…
when you are struggling to recover from an eating disorder.
I have not experienced a complete loss of appetite in a LONG time and was very worried and frustrated even; but I ate what I could and trusted that when I felt better my appetite would return.
Here I am three weeks later and still experiencing the appetite loss, though to a lesser degree. I simply have not been able to eat the quantities I have in the past. I am trying to get in as many mini-meals and snacks as I can, because the lack of food is starting to take it’s toll. But it’s not enough.I’m Scared.
Because Anorexia is a manipulative, seductive, sneaky, demonic bee-otch, I have learned to second-guess myself regarding matters of my food and my weight. As someone in my ABA fellowship said, “Anorexia is a mental disease; it’s a disease that lies and says you are not sick.” So a constant inner dialogue of “Is this me or the anorexia talking?” is something I need.
This “loss of appetite” is weighing heavy on my mind.
I believe when you are recovering from an eating disorder, any disturbance in appetite or fluctuation in weight gives the ED prime opportunity to move back in and grab what it wants. When I do not eat, my Anorexia is getting “fed” by the restriction and grows stronger. It’s a monster. A parasite.
Basically — it’s been long enough and I’m wondering exactly where my head is at.
What’s going on? What have I REALLY lost?
My appetite or my will to recover?
My appetite or my honesty?
My appetite or my commitment?
My appetite or my grip?
At the same time I feel very hopeful about recovery right now. I am excited to find a nutritionist and continue to go to meetings 5 nights a week.
But I am learning it is possible to “do” all of this and “believe” in recovery and truly NOT be WILLING to SURRENDER completely. I keep hearing this story over and over in meetings.
God tugs on my heart each time I hear it — clearly that is where I’m at. Still wanting MY WAY. MY WILL.
1. PRAYER, PRAYER AND MORE PRAYER
2. SERIOUS CONTEMPLATION AN MEDITATION ABOUT MY WILLINGNESS TO RECOVER
3. MEAL PLAN. ASAP.
I’m exhausted already, but I can do this!