Yesterday + Today = Not good days.
Life Happens + Lemons = Deal with it.
Sad Face + Tears = Part of life, the Beautiful Struggle.
Coping + in a HEALTHY way = um…
*record scratches to a halt*
*cue crickets sounding in the background*
Okay, okay. It’s really not funny. My dark mood hasn’t come from some inner-demon determined to make me feel like garbage. REAL LIFE events have just…made me really sad. I haven’t felt this awful since my brother died and, of course, that pain never really goes away and so my grief is joining the party.
And that’s life. It sucks. Oh well.
But I am lost because — as painful as it is to admit — I now realize exactly how much I have relied on anorexia as a coping mechanism, a numbing device. Wanna know how I know?
Because that is exactly what I find myself trying to do. It’s an instinct. A reflex.
That’s NOT Okay. It’s nuts.
I’m not giving in. But I’m not doing very well. I’m sad. “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. sad.
I want a new instinct. A new reflex – like yanking your hand away from a hot stove. I want the stove to be eating-disorder insanity…..so painful that if my thoughts go near it they will automatically flee in the opposite direction.
Because eventually — you learn. Touching the stove sucks! You know better than to want to touch it.