I had been reading recovery blogs and “calorie counting” was mentioned a few times. For some reason I had never considered myself a counter. I have met people in recovery talking about restricting themselves to X number a day, making Excel Spreadsheets….etc. My anorexia never really played out like that.
Or so I thought.
I realize now I am ALWAYS counting calories. I do it subconsciously. Automatically. Second nature. I don’t set finite limits, maybe, but I am CONSTANTLY aware of calorie content.
It’s pretty much how I decide what I am going to eat. I never realized this. Perhaps I became so accustomed to it I ceased to notice.
It is hard to describe how the counting takes place in my head, like trying to describe how I walk from place to place. I just walk. I don’t think about it. It’s just what needs to happen and so I do it.
I am taken a back by this — how could I have been in denial for so long? I’m dumbfounded!
I have no idea what eating without this internal monitor would be like, because it is so innate! I don’t even know where to begin to try to work on this. Sigh.
I guess knowing is half the battle, and for now I am trying to at least recognize when I am calorie counting. Already I am FLOORED by how incessantly I do this.
SO-A little discouraged, today. Reality just put a swift check on my thang. Lots of work to do.