Here’s why. I came home after work and the gym feeling OKish and pretty content. I cleaned up a bit and showered and then…I discovered I left my scale at work. DUN DUN DUN [queue twilight-zone music].
Oh the thinks I can think!
Almost immediately all sorts of squirrley thoughts came and brought all their nuts with them.
“Just wing it…just don’t eat at all…maybe this is a sign to not eat…maybe this is a sign to stop weighing…just eat one yogurt…etc”
About a week ago I would not have gone into such a frenzy…I’d have just pretended like I was in a restaurant and gotten over it. (Eating in a restaurant took me a while after recovery, too).
But dinner at home was one meal I ALWAYS weighed. After my new re-commitment to log all my food, I just knew I couldn’t let it slide. So I sucked it up and drove to three different stores looking for an electronic food scale all the while becoming increasingly upset and annoyed at myself because …..really?
I should have/could have been – I don’t know – having cocktails with friends, watching a movie, doing yoga, working toward a future, ANYTHING normal 30 something single ladies would do….
But here there I was, panicking because I can’t put food in my mouth without weighing it. Running from store to store…saying an actual prayer that I would be able to find one. So I can feel safe. There is safety in numbers.
It was one of those moments when I realize how completely chained I am by this disease. And I feel robbed. I only have myself to blame.
I did find a scale; I really don’t have money to throw around but I bought it anyway and managed to calm down. An upshoot? It’s PURTY. (See above).
Oh, and it’s a four day work week. That’s a happy think.
** I plan on examining the meal plan given to me in recovery in this blog. Is it really a good idea to give an anorexic a strict and restrictive food plan? Do we, in recovery, become too dependent on our meal plans to the point where it becomes a deviation of the eating disorder. I don’t know. Whatever works, I guess.