Where you at guuurl?

Hey-yo.

So. Haven’t been writing much here of late and yet I continue to gain new subscribers (hello!). I know most  people reading here are close to me so you know I am still “around” in this blogo-wtf-osphere.

Anywhoo…. I’ve been going through quite a lot and I feel a calm approaching as well as a drive to write. I am still waiting for that “where to begin” moment but until then I will just say ……

I’ve got 110 problems and yeah…..not eating is not one. LOL.

I have so much energy it feels foreign. I KILL it in the pool (if only I weren’t so unmotivated), I got back .. like “baby got back” and my body seems to change everyday.
Crazy.

And I feel  SOOOOOOOO F*cked ….for now.

Alas, no applause please. I can claim no recovery —  my behavior and thoughts are deplorable, but since this blog is a diary of sorts I may as well share and start now.

Seriously. Glitter can barely hold court in my mind right now against the tyranny of my discomfort.
BUT MY MIND IS FIGHTING.
I want life so bad.

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Don’t You Wish Your Recovery Was …

Hey, hey, hey.

One of the prompts for NHBPM is “Write about something taboo.”

I thought about many things that may be considered taboo– but as far as ED  recovery communities I’ve been a part of …there’s not much off limits. As for me personally with friends? l’m willing to open the book and lay it on the table.

I’m not a fan of the whole “ED-PC” thing, though I am sensitive to it and censor myself as I can.

As always – I like to keep things light and humorous so please remember that as I broach a subject even I find taboo.

So what do I think is taboo?

I think pretty much everyone has a common though at least once or twice in recovery, but it sounds so silly it’s hard to say out loud.

I’m lucky enough to be in recovery rooms amongst people suffering from ALL forms of eating dis-order and food addiction. The whole spectrum: from restricting-only featherweights to obese binge eaters,  and ALL combinations and variations between. Many people experience the entire spectrum throughout their live. I relate to that.

At the end of the day – it’s the same demon. The same Hell.

So…I guess you can say a typical meeting may look a little something like this.

We all different.

Sometimes (not all) the physical implications of dis-ordered eating effect the body in such a way the recovery would naturally produce a shift in body weight either up or down the scales. Sometimes people maintain a weight when their behavior ceases.

We are ALL gaining health and sanity. Period.

Weight is part of some of our stories, however. Some people who are further along in recovery share their story during a meeting – weight loss is often a part of it. The pounds lost, the clothes getting looser…etc.

While I sat in meetings or read online-community forum posts I have, from time to time, half heartedly thought with a silly sigh,

“Recovery would be easier and more comfortable for me if staying abstinent from food meant losing weight rather than gaining.”

Not that I want to lose weight technically, just to not have to go through the painful nerve-ending mindscrew of weight gain. Again – it is a silly silly thought.

I’m not alone.

For some people – they think half-heartedly  “Heck – recovery would be much easier for me if food abstinence meant gaining weight…just eat more and exercise less and meanwhile not have to worry about the social implications of being overweight whilst doing it (thanks, society).”

I KNOW these are flawed notions in so many ways – I think we all know that. Recovery for us all means pain. We have to relinquish and surrender it ALL….the focus on food and controlling the shape or appearance of our bodies and weight.

That means withdrawal. BIG TIME.

Whether that means gaining OR losing -  you’re going to suffer when your food gets taken away from you.

 

Again- same demon, same hell. It’s silly that we imagine one version of it would be more comfortable to handle than another.

Even though most out-of-denial people know these fleeting thoughts are just silly…..I bet we’ve all though them for a millisecond.

Look….eating disorders are not about weight or food. They’re not NOT about weight or food either. Nobody that suffers has it easier or worse  than another. NO ONE.

We all know this. I know this. I want to reinforce that so as not to be misunderstood.

It’s just a little stupid thought.

Have you ever had it?

“Don’t you wish your recovery was “easy” like “theirs?”
LOL.

The grass is never greener…in hell.

There you have it. Two days in a row missed. You’re allowed two days off but I can tell you right now there will be MANY more where those came from. #gettingold.
Previous posts for NHBPM can be found here.

 

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Storytime: Elephant in the Room

Gather around boyfriends and girlfriends…settle down and grab a seat. Criss cross applesauce. Shhh….inside voices.

It’s time for a story. Today’s share?

Interpreted by Miss. Caterpillar

That would be me.

Ever feel like you’re walking around with a big “elephant in the room”?

Like in Middle School, when everyone knew you had a crush on Josh. Everyone heard when you farted in gym class. Everyone is staring at your zits. So we thought.

Our insecurities fade dramatically as we mature (amen). But even adults experience this “elephant in the room” effect from time to time. I know I do.

 

It’s easy to assume everyone knows our insecurities, our shortcomings, our mistakes, our less-thans.

Maybe you’ve gained some weight.

Maybe you’re feeling guilty. You screwed up. You got fired from your job. You lied to a friend to avoid helping them move. You got caught gossiping.

Maybe you had an embarrassing episode. Farted in yoga class, got a little too drunk at the office party or “replied to all” accidentally.

Maybe you had to drop out of school or you live with your parents. You have an eating disorder. Maybe you live paycheck to paycheck and can’t afford nights out with your friends. You’re single and lonely.

You have debt. You’re in a bad relationship. Your car is dirty. Your kid misbehaves at school. You got a bad haircut. You’re wearing that outfit again.

You might think, everyone is judging you as harshly as you’re judging yourself.  

*Intermission*

Hold on, Kids! Let’s stop for a moment. As a swimmer, I am absolutely NOT condoning peeing in the pool.

  

Personally, I don’t care if you do. I’m not scared. (I’ve resigned myself to the fact I’m wading through wee in public pools). But it is definitely NOT okay. Okay? Just sayin’.

 

(Speaking of Pee….this book has a lot of it.)

The point is…..

If people really though about others as much as we imagine, the world would be a better, more caring place. Most of us are too busy thinking about ourselves!

Your problems? Weaknesses? Mistakes? Hurts?

Chances are people would never notice.

Unless you mention it.

When I feel down and out, I think “Get OVER yourself, girl!”

There is so much more to YOU than your broken bits.

Because JESUS LOVES YOU!

Lots of people do! Missing Pieces and all.

(Yes, even you pool-pottying people.)

*Random* My neighbor just knocked on my door to return the car keys I left outside in the grass while I was reading earlier. I said, “Did you know they were mine or just figure they had to belong to the crazy space cadet in the neighborhood?” Because clearly everyone must think that. Sigh. 

• What’s your “elephant?”
• Anyone pool peeing people care to fess up? I dare ya! 
• Don’t you want a Rainbow Pony Backpack?  

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Must Dos, Pillar Power, Flipping Out, Freaking Out

A girl must do what must be done.

Particularly when one is about to become undone.

Like power up on caterpillar crack.

You know where I am going with this

(–>if not read here now and thank me later <–).

and Nectar of the Gods…

Who says money can’t buy you love?

Go Go Gadget Arm! (Seriously, how weird is this picture?)

Speaking of powerful arms,

I’m flipping out!

Weight Gain = Strength Gain

 

I used to be quite the yogini until 2003 when my body ate all my muscles. I could barely walk let alone do Ashtanga Yoga. Since then I have great difficulty getting back on the mat.

It’s emotionally taxing for me to “inhabit” my body so completely. Now that I’ve gained so much weight, I’m hoping that facing these fears on the mat will help me deal with them in everyday life.

Speaking of ups and downs* there’s this:

*weight, flips, handstands, downdog…etc.

Weight Gain in my Bootie = Weight Gain in my Wallet

(wha…??)

My dad left me some cash and instructed me to “get some decent clothes” (which my mind interprets as “fat clothes”).

I am FreAKiNG ThE FuNK ouT!!!

I’m becoming undone.

My parents have been begging to take me shopping for a while because I complain that none of my clothes fit. I have been quite successful in avoiding it thus far.

Dressing this bigger body of mine, like yoga, is equally emotional (by emotional I mean excruciatingly scary).

PS: You might be a crazy girl if a free shopping spree inspires panic.

But a girl must do what must be done.

Particularly when she’s come undone

• Got any fashion tips for me? I’m on a Target/Old Navy/Gap Outlet kind of budget.
• What are your “power through” foods.

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The Biggest Loser

This is difficult to write. I intend to be as delicate as I can. I’m sorry if anyone finds this offensive or disturbing – (I don’t say the T-word<–)

I’ve been belligerent lately and it doesn’t suit me.

After visiting Jess at the Renfrew Center, I drove home feeling angry.

It had nothing to do with Jess, I loved spending time with her (it would’ve been better if she was on vacation though).

While there, I met two women who were textbook-case, shock & awe, tabloid television, no hair, almost in-human examples of an anorexic figure. (I’m trying to be delicate, but let’s get real.)

We’ve all seen it. I’ll link to Isabelle Caro (rest her soul), because she intentionally used her shocking appearance in the media to aggressively campaign against anorexia.

(source)

You can watch her story by clicking HERE and HERE.

It was heart-breaking. These women bought tears to my eyes. I could tell they were beautiful, delightful souls – their spirits practically shining out from within them as they spoke.

It was like seeing a rainbow inside of a skull, inside a skeletal Halloween-costume and mask. The pained expressions of their families devastated me.

I left feeling angry – angry at this disease, but also angry at myself. I felt so foolish running around focusing on recovery and shoving food down my throat in the interest of gaining weight. I’m okay for the most part.

I feel tired of people mentioning my weight. I’m even more frustrated that I continue to take other people’s opinions into consideration. I told my friends and family,

“I’m OVER IT.”

“I don’t care anymore what anyone has to say about my weight. I feel fine and it’s my body and it will find the place it wants to be.”

That’s when my brother said this:

“Just because someone lost more than you at the casino,

doesn’t mean you don’t

have a gambling problem”

Wow.

I thanked him.

It’s not about weight.

My little rant above? It’s a familiar one. People battle eating disorders everyday even though they are weight restored or even overweight. Some refuse treatment because they don’t feel “sick enough.”

I’m sharing this quote for them. 

I’m sharing for all women with disordered eating patterns and complicated relationships with food.

It’s NOT OKAY.

It’s not okay to feel guilt or anxiety about missing a workout. It’s not okay to skip meals to make up for a “splurge.” It’s not okay to say you’re being “bad” when you eat chocolate cake or cut out carbs three days before an event.

It’s not okay –even if the magazines portray this behavior as normal.

At my worst, I looked scary. There are no pictures from that time, because I wasn’t really present. (I never lost my hair thank goodness and I’ve a naturally full face that can withstand a ton of weight loss.)

I have come so far since then and have made great strides in the past few months.

This picture never made it online, I look too tired and thin.

The photo below gives me the creeps on so many levels.

I was aiming for “surrender” but it came out more “crucifix.”

Today my weight is healthier, but my thoughts aren’t.

 

I’m proud of myself but I still have work to do.

My struggle is not over.

It’s not a matter of weight.

* I added my contact information on my about page and while you’re over there check out my geeky flair. *

*Did you vote for Mal yet? Click here and vote please

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Bad Haircut

Ever get a bad haircut?

Other people may like it and tell you how great you look

but at the end of the day… what matters is

whether YOU like it.

Well guess what?

  

I didn’t get a haircut.

Did I fool you? You still love me, right?

(even though I’m taking photos of myself in the mirror again?)

Moving on.

I didn’t get a bad haircut, but that’s exactly how I feel about my body.

The weight gain is like a bad haircut.

 

Other people may say I look better this way….the rational side of me assumes I look better this way.

But it doesn’t matter. I don’t like it.

I’m uncomfortable. I don’t feel like me.

It’s like a bad haircut.

It feels funny in the shower*. 

(*ever have “phantom hair” while shampooing after a haircut?)

I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror.

I can’t figure out what to “do” with it. My old styles don’t work.

I can’t stop thinking about it –-

which is frustrating and ridiculous.

“It’s just HAIR SKIN….Get over it!! Seriously. Sheesh.”

But I can’t get over it.

 

I am not a happy camper.

I got to thinking. (What else is new?)

Lets play pretend.

I get a bad haircut and someone says, “If you hadn’t cut your hair, you’d be dead.” Would I feel a little different?

Can I tolerate the discomfort if it means I get to live?

Um…yeah!

What about people undergoing chemo? They’re uncomfortable losing their hair. But who cares? They’re fighting for their lives!

And how dare I compare weight gain with cancer?

Seriously.

Sometimes haircuts grow on you.

I’m just hoping my new body will grow on me.

Because I choose life.

(Though I really need to get one, obviously. I had too much fun with those ridiculous pictures. I am still giggling.)

 

• Questions, comments, concerns? Please hit me up! I LOVE to hear from you!
• Did I fool you?

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Lost and Found

Gaining Weight.

Really? Who wants to do it?

(Besides bodybuilders and skinny guys maybe)

The fact that I must gain weight in order to recover is difficult for me to face.

Very difficult.

Sure –there are positive mental spins available with the term “gaining.” After all, with recovery you have everything to gain!

But still…

One day a random phrase popped into my head…it sits with me quite well.

FINDING WEIGHT.

After all, I am only finding what I have lost.

Not only weight, but MYSELF. MY LIFE.

My ability to take up space in this world and LIVE.

I once was lost but now am found.

Finding weight.

I think I like the idea.

 

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Vicious Cycle of Stupid

Ever been to a zoo or circus and seen an elephant with a chain around it‘s ankle? And the poor thing  just continually rocks back and forth, back and forth, not going anywhere because he is tethered to the chain?

If an elephant never forgets he must be thinking, with each step, “this time will be different” but then…nope. Still stuck.

                I AM that elephant.

Thanks to Einstein we all know that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. Insane? Sure. Stupid? ABSOLUTELY.

I am stuck in a vicious cycle of stupid.

For a while now, I have woken up feeling miserable and vowed that “today will be different,” only to proceed to do the very things which make me feel miserable.

Today I am just miserable. And fat. Elephantine.

And it’s not okay. I am terrified. My body feels so foreign to me. The fat is suffocating.

I am done.

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Skinny Chicks Have Feelings Too

I was Miss. “Gung-Ho Recovery” yesterday as I made my way to the gym — I swam my laps and stopped when I wanted to, because I exercise on my own terms (take that anorexia– Boo-Yeah).

And then.

As I was headed out, (still in my bathing suit) I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a few weeks and after exchanging  pleasantries he goes…..”You look like you’ve put on a little weight!” 

*#!!**~##!!** 

Okay, this guy KNOWS my issues, too. I gave him a little look and just walked away sort of laughing cause I just COULD NOT DEAL and waved goodbye to him as he calls out “wait….wait…that’s a good thing…right?”*

This is not the first time this has happened and –to my credit– I did not cry this time. But……..sigh. Yeah, so my Gung-Ho from yesterday went down the drain. 

***Note to self*** I must truthfully examine my answers and feelings toward that question at some point. But not now. Answer = No.

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