Sunny Day…Everything’s A-OK

Some treasures from July that gave me a Happy Face…

 

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Bueller? … Bueller?

On Monday I decided to take a Personal Day off work. I was  exhausted because a *shudder* sewer emergency kept me and all my neighbors busy until all hours of the night. I will spare you the details except for one little gem….

I totally pulled an Amy Poehler in the movie Baby Mama. Never seen it? This should suffice.

Me + sink + roll of toilet paper + bottle of bleach = FUN TIMES

Yeah, I went there. What else was I gonna do? The entire complex was crawling with people or I would have gone alfresco.

Anyway, as soon as I gave my boss the news,  I quickly realized I really NEEDED some quality ME time. I have been running around goose-on-the-loose style; being social and active and attending meetings and suddenly –  I just wanted ME. Solitude.

This was new — because I was not isolating. It’s normal to want some alone time. It can be productive, in fact. Constructive.

I decided to do some serious thinking and contemplating that day. I brushed my teeth, got my swimsuit on, gathered some books and headed to the pool. Ahhh……….

Did I have any deep thoughts? Profound insights? Ah-hah moments?

Nanny,Nanny Boo Boo.. I’m not at work…whatcha gonna do?

I had some serious work to do…but also finished up “Bitter is the New Black” by Jen Lancaster. It was so quiet.

My rings Say “Be Brave Love Life, Believe, and Love

This? Was a G-O-O-D idea.

 Here are some of the thinks I thunk:

The good, the bad and the ugly.

• I am too thin. Scary thin. /0:
• I have mixed feelings  *LETS GET REAL* I think a part of me (the ED) is quite happy about this — which makes me sad.
• I started a new book called “Woman, Food and God” by Geneen Roth which my Mom gave me and it has me thinking A LOT! Can all my beliefs about who I am and what I believe be represented by what and how I eat? I think she is on to something!  
• I need a meal plan. BIG TIME. Even if I have to hammer one out myself. I am simply not eating enough.
• I am definitely doing the right thing by going to these meetings; Anorexics & Bulimics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and my treatment center’s alumni group. I think I am ready to start gathering literature and get to work.
• I need MORE God in my life.
• I don’t want to work — I just want to play in the sun all day.
• I need to do this ME time more often! (0:

So….I guess I’ll get to work. First step? A closer look at my food/meal intake and what I may be able to improve.

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It’s All Good

Some things that have made me happy lately….

Every Saturday there is a Farmer’s Market minutes away from my apartment.

One of the vendors sells all-natural dog food. So cool! (So not in my budget, though)

The market happens to be at a park and playground– Don’t mind if I do!

Drank a berry and celery smoothie…amused myself by sticking a celery stalk in it as “garnish.” Nobody else thought it was funny though. (0:

Awesome sunset at twilight…my favorite time of day which doesn’t occur very often. Everything glows.

For my Birthday my Mom found the perfect balloon for me: “So many Candles, So little Cake!” Hilarious!

Eating Sushi Summer Rolls — an accomplishment for me, so total points. (Even though I desicated it to avoid the tapioca paper and most of the carrots (soaked in sugar)…but still!!

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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..

Enough is enough. You see, I had decided that the most painful and frustrating part of going around being a sad-hag is because basically I am not a “wah-wah-wah, doom and gloom” kind of girl. It’s just not my nature. I like butterflies and rainbows and clouds and drawings of honeybees. I love Jesus. 

  I like being ridiculous. I like to eat peanut butter and pickles. 

All you need is Love. Peace. 

So I was going around like….what is wrong with me. Where is my “me”-ness?Sheesh. 

So I developed the brilliant plan to just “give in”  to the depression rather than trying to fight it.  

I scripted a new inner-monologue. 

“I’m not okay and I’m okay with that ”…. “I have run out of pretend”….I like to just sleep all the time and numb myself out in my apartment. That’s my “happy place.” 

Problem is, I’d be feeling like a cruddy, dirty, grey slug and then all of the sudden I find myself making little jokes with my neighbor and smiling or thinking happy thoughts or something. This is really incongruous with what is going on in my life, but I can’t help it. It is not fake. It’s me. 

I am sad happy girl. Or happy sad girl. Is there a word for a happy sort of sad or a sad sort of happiness? Not ambivalence…. 

Maybe I am like the sunshine peaking out of a cloud. Or — my favorite time of day -twilight- when the world gets really glow-y and everything is oddly illuminated.  It is pretty rare and when it happens it feels like magic. 

See what I mean? I am the girl who goes outside and says “Yay! It’s twilight…it’s like magic!” and yes, when there is a rainbow in the sky I want to let everyone in my vicinity know about it (for instance – a complete stranger in the parking lot). 

But I’m also a big, fatty-fat pants failure who can’t get it 

My avatar?

 

 together. 

 See what I mean?

 

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