Tug of War with God

We’ve heard it all before. Lay your burdens at the cross. Hand it over to God, etc.

A few years ago I did just that. And…

The next day I woke up completely healed and decided to tithe 15% of my income to the 700 Club.

Oh, no wait. I saw that on TV. Here is what actually went down. I was feeling helpless and weary and I decided to take it to the cross and pray.

 

Actually, I was at the gym in the sauna at the time so it looked a little more like this:

God can come wherever you are. Anyways.

I decided to illustrate the story, yet…how to depict God? I tried humor.

It seemed so wrong (Looks like Mr. Hanky!)

…. so This is God:

 

I prayed that God would take all of my hurts, afflictions, addictions, struggles into his hands. I trusted him to wash me clean. I was weary. His way is easy, his burden is light.

 

 

And God said:

No, not audibly. (I wish?)

I offered it up again….

And again God said:

  

Jesussayhuh?

I tried again. (I’m still there in the sauna mind you)

It was like trying to glue water to a wall.

CLEARLY God was showing me (in his beautiful way)

that I am not letting go. I am still holding on.

But to what?

I couldn’t figure it out. I felt ready to recover, to relinquish all this nonsense, but was I?

The thing is, God’s not going to play tug-of-war with us. He gave us free will for a reason and he can’t help us unless we are willing to let him.

I felt ready and willing, but was I? Am I?

I guess not.

This makes me sad. <—understatement

Years later I’m still trying to figure out what that “something” is I can’t let go of.<–

Lately I’m realizing so much. I have a feeling this year will be the year I figure it out and learn to completely

Let Go and Let God

Amen to that.

• What things have you “let go” of in life?

Read Full Post »

Gentle

Recently God fastened a word on my heart.

Gentle

I was so tired and weary, so sick of being sick and trying to recover. I wrote about it —> here.

And that’s when I heard (not audibly)

“Gentle.”

When I hear from God I spend some time with what he has told me. This is not hard. God’s Post-it notes are made of super-sticky stuff.

I go to the source.

I consult Webster’s. (Love the dictionary) Did you know gentle is also a verb?

Let’s not forget the thesaurus.

I visit L’Academie de Google.

I found this quote from Charles Lamb (so apropos for my asparagus eating self) and felt the need to share.

I doodle over it in my doodle-book.

I basically just keep thinking about it…but God does his work and throws real life examples in the mix.

I got sick and realized how UN-gentle I am with my body.

I wrote about that –>here<–

I also realized something else….

I am INCREDIBLY hard on myself.

I never noticed.

I basically abuse myself in my head ALL DAY LONG. I suppose I got used to it after a while. Now I notice it, and I can’t stand it.

Every time I hear the incessant rant of my messed up mind I feel physically battered. Its like nails on a chalkboard. It’s not gentle, I don’t like it, and neither does God. I felt, for the first time, like screaming “Shut UP!!!”

Wow.

One day I was sitting in my car near tears and God literally flooded my mind with this:

HE LOVES ME.

I kept saying it, thinking it, trying to accept it… because I know it’s true. I want to feel it’s true. If he loves me so much what stops me from loving myself?

HE LOVES ME!

God wants us to love ourselves as much as he loves us. He hurts when we hurt. It hurts him when we hurt ourselves.

He wants us to love others as much as we love ourselves…not more than we love ourselves. I need to feel his love…I need to feel that.

The more trapped I am in my eating disorder the less I can feel it. His love for me, I believe, is the answer to unlock the chains I am bound in. I need to feel it.

So now I’m focusing on that…

My screensaver has changed…for starters.

I’m trying to find out what it means to accept God’s love for

ME (<—really?)

 

 

 

and learn to love myself.

• When do you feel God’s love for you? What do you love about yourself? How do you show yourself love?

Read Full Post »

Go and I’ll Show You

As a little girl I had a persistent fear of backyard monsters. It would keep me up at night. My father often propped me on his safe shoulders and carried me around the backyard to show me there were no monsters – that I had nothing to be afraid of. Afterwards I always felt better.

Plus, I got to go outside in my pjs after bedtime.

Today, I wish someone I trusted could put me on their shoulders and show me a life in complete recovery. Show me I have nothing to fear, that I can be comfortable in my skin at a higher weight, that the monsters are imaginary.

That’s where God comes in.

His promises to lift us on his wing, protect us, never forsake us, and walk beside us forever.

But He doesn’t promise it will be easy. He won’t show us the future. He gives us a deep, knowing nudge in our hearts to tell us the direction he wants us to go. He wants us to have Faith enough to get moving.

Years ago I heard Joyce Meyer say

We’re always asking God

“show me and I’ll go!”

 

God’s answer is always

“GO and I’ll show you!”

It stuck with me – I do this all the time.

Even though I know better.

I’ve got to take that first step.

I’m praying for the strength, courage, faith and willingness to do just that.

 

John 5:8 Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”

• Whether it is recovery or not…what is God urging you to do while you fear to take that first step? Changing careers? Confronting someone? Giving up smoking? Is it mostly fear of the future and the unknown that is holding you back? The imaginary monsters?

 

Read Full Post »

Look! Look! Up in the Sky!

Yesterday I was driving to the gym and thinking I was in sore need of a re-connect with God. I had just finished an email to Jess, who mentioned the importance of God in our recoveries. she had me thinking.

While driving I noticed people at bus stops and in parking lots staring up and pointing at the sky.

‘What can it be?’ I thought. ‘A rainbow? A blimp? A space shuttle launch?’ (I live in Florida) Some sort of eclipse?

All I could see was the setting sun.

At the gym – more people looking up! I stopped a man on his way in.

“Excuse me, do you know why everyone is looking up at the sky?”

He gave me this “Hello Captain Obvious” look and gestured upwards…”Well, Yeah!”

I turned around, looked up and saw this:

Oh. Hi God. There you are. I was just thinking about you…

What a moment.

I mean, you think I would have gotten out of my car and looked at the sky. Instead I looked for someone to ask.

I walked away with this thought:

Why am I always looking toward things of this earth for answers when what I need to do is to look to God?

I guess he was wondering the same thing.

• Wanna share a time God showed up for you like this?
• What was your last “captain obvious” moment?

Read Full Post »

Revival Weekend

I am overwhelmed with the comments left on my last post. The impact we can have on one another without ever having met amazes me. Blogging has proved this to me. I have been given support and found so much inspiration by reading the blogs of beautiful, healthy women. Women who have often fought the same battle and won. Women who may still struggle but can share their triumphs and challenges. 

And so many have what I want.

Health. I am CRAVING it. I am hungry for it. I am ready for it.

I realize I have bottomed out– run myself into the ground by not nourishing myself spiritually, emotionally, intellectually or physically.

The first to go was my emotional and spiritual well-being. Leaving me feeling ho-hum, un-groovy and finally un-glued.

Then my mind went monkey-wild….negative and irrational thoughts, going willy-nilly whenever it chose. My ability to focus was non-existent.

Finally, my body gave in. I feel all kinds of wonky. I am exhausted and achy and sick.

I need to take care of myself. Sound body, sound mind.

A sound mind in a sound body is a short but full description of a happy state in this world.

John Locke

 

I left work early yesterday feeling sick and called today, which I have spent mostly sleeping. Sleeping and formulating my plan.

I am on a mission. This weekend will be entirely committed to restoring myself back to … ME again.

RESTORE, REVIVE, REVITALIZE.

I’ll be “SERFING” everyday….making sure to get a balance of Spirituality, Exercise, Rest, and proper Food.

I’ll be doing what I WANT to do, rather than what I HAVE to do. If the floors don’t get mopped, so be it.

In short — I am going to chill the funk out and take it easy. Or try, at least.

Hopefully, by Monday I will feel REFRESHED, RENEWED, and RECHARGED.

Because I need my energy and strength for recovery.

Read Full Post »

Words to Live By

I was working hard at the office *ahem* Okay, I was at work  but found time to squeeze in a random art project.

 On a whim, I re-purposed a set of  magnets by adorning them with some choice words. (I LOVE words–but I don’t like the word logophile). 

 

These words mean so much to me. I try to keep them in mind as much as possible.

I collect magnets, by the way. I’ll have to show them off sometime.

  

• Faith– Again and again God tells us in his Word to have faith. We repeatedly see that it was “by faith” and “through faith” that miracles happen, progress is made. Healing is accomplished. I don’t believe ”nothing is impossible if you have faith”….but I firmly believe that EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU HAVE FAITH.

 

• Love – I believe LOVE is the most spiritual practice of all. Unmitigated, unconditional LOVE for EVERYTHING.  “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” 1 Cor 13:13.

  

• Peace – Less to do with politics and more about being gentle and serene with yourself and others. BEING AT PEACE and ENJOYING MOMENTS.  I am not a fan of loud conversations, brash words, and craziness. There is WAY too much of that going on in my head. So, I try to keep the ideal of peace in mind. Especially when it comes to being at peace with myself.

 

• Be Kind - Be gentle and good and loving to yourself, other people- to all living things.  Especially ourselves. I am so tired of beating myself up!  Be Nice, people! Haters suck.

 

• Enjoy Yourself – You can actually be pretty cool to spend time with! Rock your YOU-NIQUE-NICITY. (Check out the word I just created. Yay!)

 

• Serenity - Read the serenity prayer. It says it all.

 

• Freedom - I want so much to be free! Free of this disease, this negativity, this self-imposed misery. Recovery represents FREEDOM to me. When I constantly hold on to the thought of freedom, my shackles become more painfully obvious and harder to bear — which is a good thing. I have spent so much of my life in bondage to this disease, I have grown quite accustomed to living that way. But I AM MORE THAN THAT!

 

• “Keep Calm, Carry on” — I say this to myself ALL THE TIME. Another thing I say is “It Happens, Keep Moving!” These little nuggets help me get past the “toast landing on floor peanut-butter side down” moments (0:” Try it!  

• Simple - Simplicity is an art form. A talent. A skill. Practice makes better.  I tend to complicate and over think EVERYTHING when really? Less is more. (I really have to work  at this! Work in progress.)

 

• Presence – I so often seek escape. From myself, my feelings, my situations. Enter Eating Disorder stage left. I try to remember to stay present and focused. Simple, but not easy. I sometimes have to mentally talk myself through moments to get out of my head. “I am walking to the car, I am putting the key in the door, I am opening the door”…..It’s good practice.

What words do you carry close to your heart?

Read Full Post »

We Can Learn a lot from a Kite

Flying Free, Fully Reliant on God

I was at the beach when some neighboring beach-dwellers whipped out a kite; the sight added to my zen-like state of bliss.  (I love the beach).

Had a few thoughts while witnessing this little happy occasion.

Wanna here em’? Here they go….

Gazing at the kite as it did its flying/floating dance against the blue sky….with no will of its own, yet completely free….fully subject to the ebbs and flows of wind and gravity, yet completely at ease…….

 

 

I realized what it might be like to “Let Go and Let God.“  The kite is a powerful image of Faith, and turning your will over to the to care of our Loving God. 

Because God will be there, our Shepard; an invisible string connecting us to something safe. He may not be able to control our direction 100% of the time…because we live in a world where the wind blows and the rain must fall.

 

BUT HE WON’T LET YOU GO. YOU ARE HIS.

 

And just like we find pleasure in flying Kites, he takes pleasure in connecting with us, his children!

 

 

 

PLUS….Kites are super adorable!

Read Full Post »

It Ain’t Burger King, Baby

You can’t always have it your way.

Last night this phrase randomly popped into my head. I don’t know what I was thinking or doing (besides listening to my incessant inner monologue…Radio KFCD* and maybe washing my hands because I was in the bathroom.)

Suddenly I eye myself in the mirror and think “This ain’t Burger King, baby. You can’t have it your way.” Huh?  Then it hit me. 

It also made me smile.  I always feel these moments are insights from God -  and if this was God speaking,** he sounded like a large black woman who meant bid-ness, ya heard? Like Tracy Morgan doing a Madea impersonation.

(Or maybe God impersonating Tracey Morgan doing Madea.)

But all levity aside….it was a really heavy moment.

In recovery we were asked about our willingness to let go of “MY WAY.” Let go…and Trust God.  Let Go..and Trust the Dietician. Let go of believing all the twisted thoughts, feelings and beliefs our eating disorder tells us are real.

At the time,  I was all “Of course I am! MY WAY is what got me here in the first place!”

Which is still true. BUT…..the mind is a curious monkey.

The concept of “letting go” is difficult to grasp when you don’t really know what you’re still grasping; if you can’t recognize you are still Holding On – let alone what you are Holding On TO.

 ”It Ain’t Burger King, Baby! You Can’t Have It Your Way, Child”

Last night, I realized letting go of  “IF-I-HAD-THINGS-MY-WAY” isn’t anything more than a reality check. I just can’t have it my way. That’s it.

Especially not when Anorexia is still a back-seat driver. She’s not exactly holding the map to the real world.

I won’t stand around trying to compromise the sky out of being blue!

Today I was thinking “…excess flesh on arms due to lack of swimming and more fat consumption…yarkety snarkety…” and was able to:

Stop. Sigh. And say “It Ain’t Burger King, Baby.”

Seriously. They’re arms. With Skin. They’re Fine. Move On.

* Thank You Anne Lamott

** I never hear an audible voice of God by the way, He sounds like my thoughts. When I think of words sometimes, the thoughts have sounds. It’s normal. I think. Like when you remember something your friend said– you can “hear” it? Or think of a celebrity catchphrase- You can’t think “whachooo talkin bout willis” without…you know. “Hearing” it.

 ANYWAY….

Read Full Post »

First Birthday Without You

My brother was born 39 years ago today.

He died suddenly, 7 months and 3 days ago. For 214 days he has been in heaven and I am choosing to believe this is his  best birthday ever.

The measure of a life — is in the living. Not in the dying. Not in the “what would have come next.’ I choose to believe he is not really missing anything. He is at peace and he is here with all of us who loved him in spirit.

Greg was awesome.  Of all my siblings he was closest to me in a special way. I have so many memories. I feel like he is the one who really “got” me, appreciated me for who I was, and recognized the difficulties I am facing. He was honest with me. Having overcome addiction himself,  he would not tolerate the elephant in the room that my disease has become (more on that later).

He is completely hilarious. And smart. And deep. And….sigh. So many things.

I will likely write so much more about him and how difficult his death has been but for today — I am choosing to just purely LOVE him.

Today, on his memorial Facebook page I wrote:

On your Birthday, Big Bro, I will focus on your living not your dying. Just for today, I choose to remember you more than I miss you. I will make your presence in our hearts be greater than your absence. I will celebrate your life, and not imagine the life you left behind…what could have been. Just for today. I love you. PS–SERENITY NOW!!!!

 His was truly a beautiful struggle. He is my inspiration.

Read Full Post »

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..

Enough is enough. You see, I had decided that the most painful and frustrating part of going around being a sad-hag is because basically I am not a “wah-wah-wah, doom and gloom” kind of girl. It’s just not my nature. I like butterflies and rainbows and clouds and drawings of honeybees. I love Jesus. 

  I like being ridiculous. I like to eat peanut butter and pickles. 

All you need is Love. Peace. 

So I was going around like….what is wrong with me. Where is my “me”-ness?Sheesh. 

So I developed the brilliant plan to just “give in”  to the depression rather than trying to fight it.  

I scripted a new inner-monologue. 

“I’m not okay and I’m okay with that ”…. “I have run out of pretend”….I like to just sleep all the time and numb myself out in my apartment. That’s my “happy place.” 

Problem is, I’d be feeling like a cruddy, dirty, grey slug and then all of the sudden I find myself making little jokes with my neighbor and smiling or thinking happy thoughts or something. This is really incongruous with what is going on in my life, but I can’t help it. It is not fake. It’s me. 

I am sad happy girl. Or happy sad girl. Is there a word for a happy sort of sad or a sad sort of happiness? Not ambivalence…. 

Maybe I am like the sunshine peaking out of a cloud. Or — my favorite time of day -twilight- when the world gets really glow-y and everything is oddly illuminated.  It is pretty rare and when it happens it feels like magic. 

See what I mean? I am the girl who goes outside and says “Yay! It’s twilight…it’s like magic!” and yes, when there is a rainbow in the sky I want to let everyone in my vicinity know about it (for instance – a complete stranger in the parking lot). 

But I’m also a big, fatty-fat pants failure who can’t get it 

My avatar?

 

 together. 

 See what I mean?

 

Read Full Post »