The Wisdom to Know the Difference

I’m not going to write about all the reasons I am so thankful this holiday season because…………………

……………..Oh. Excuse me. I fell asleep just thinking about writing that.

Honestly, I’m feeling a lot more “Boo Hoo” than “Boo Yeah” about Thanksgiving.

  Two word: Family Drama. My heart hurts. 

I’m not going to write about that either. I am beyond words, and the situation is beyond my control.

  Which explains my palpable urge to (cliché in 3,2,1) Control the one thing I Can Control. (I warned you).

 

That’s not an option for me in recovery.

So I decided to reflect on the many things in life I can and cannot control BESIDES eating, food & weight.

#1

I have no control over how I’m greeted upon arriving at work. 

I do have control over my reaction.

“What. Ever. Passive Aggressive Notes. Pshhh. Over it.”

Then I can resolve to be timely because, let’s face it, the dog does not eat my alarm clock. 

#2

I have complete control over my computer screen savers.

(Need a screen saver…go here<——and thank me later.)

I have control over my words, and how I choose to treat people.

#3

I have no control over my Food Baby. 

I can, however post about it on the internet in a ridiculous manner <———

 

(I know, I know, no one can see it but me.)

 

 

 

I can decide to develop a love affair with it  (<—-read this!)

 

And post that on the internet, too.

I can’t help being weirded out, freaked out, and doubting my sanity while taking pictures of myself and food baby in the mirror. But that’s healthy.

 

Because…really?

 

 

 

 

 

#4

I can’t control the sunshine.

But I  can catch a bit of it….

…and hold it in my hand…

…and savor it while sitting in traffic.

Which I cannot control.

#5

I can’t control the temperature of the pool.

Brrrr! I’m never eager to jump in.

 

I can control my mindset by thinking,

“Seriously? If this is the hardest thing you do today or worry about,  you are one blessed individual.”

*This works in many trials, by the way. Steal it. Use it often.

Then I jump right in.

(That was me, by the way)

#6

I don’t control the motions of a candle’s flame. I like that!

I love that so much I light them every night.

 

In memory.

#7

I can’t control the weather.

But I never doubt that the sun will come out again, or think it will rain forever unless I do something about it. Witness 20 minutes in South FL this morning:

 

#8

I cannot control my dog, Zoe. (Seriously. Call the dog whisperer)

Exhibit A: 3D sculptures of chewed up carpeting i found yesterday. “Look what I made for you, Mommy!”

Exhibit B: Click Here <——

But I still love her most of the time.

 

(But, Zoe? Maybe something I can hang on the fridge would be nice. )

#9

I am completely in charge of my magnet collection.

I can even make my own magnets —–>Like These<—–

#9

I control how I choose to ADORN my body.

Hence sparkly nail polish…

…Symbolic rings…

 

…temporary butterfly tattoos…

…commemorative anklets and bracelets…

…and shoelaces. (yay!)

I control how I FEED my mind

by what I read:

(currently reading these…)

  

what I listen to:

(my ‘cheer-missy-up’ playlist)

 

Though I have difficulty deciding.

Can I get a witness? 10,003 items in my iTunes. Almost 30 days worth.

I control what I watch on the tee-vee…

…and always make responsible choices most of the time.

#10

I can control the time I spend nurturing my relationship with God, and growing in my walk of Faith.

 

 

 

#11

I can’t control the wind, but I can

learn a lot from a kite <—–

#12

I can’t Control the sunset

And I don’t want to.

I’ll never be the artist that God is.

He’s got it under control.

Hmmm….

Let Go. Let God.

I feel better already.

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

• Anybody else facing their control issues lately?
• Do the Holidays inspire a lot of “need to control” moments?

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Words to Live By

I was working hard at the office *ahem* Okay, I was at work  but found time to squeeze in a random art project.

 On a whim, I re-purposed a set of  magnets by adorning them with some choice words. (I LOVE words–but I don’t like the word logophile). 

 

These words mean so much to me. I try to keep them in mind as much as possible.

I collect magnets, by the way. I’ll have to show them off sometime.

  

• Faith– Again and again God tells us in his Word to have faith. We repeatedly see that it was “by faith” and “through faith” that miracles happen, progress is made. Healing is accomplished. I don’t believe ”nothing is impossible if you have faith”….but I firmly believe that EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU HAVE FAITH.

 

• Love – I believe LOVE is the most spiritual practice of all. Unmitigated, unconditional LOVE for EVERYTHING.  “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” 1 Cor 13:13.

  

• Peace – Less to do with politics and more about being gentle and serene with yourself and others. BEING AT PEACE and ENJOYING MOMENTS.  I am not a fan of loud conversations, brash words, and craziness. There is WAY too much of that going on in my head. So, I try to keep the ideal of peace in mind. Especially when it comes to being at peace with myself.

 

• Be Kind - Be gentle and good and loving to yourself, other people- to all living things.  Especially ourselves. I am so tired of beating myself up!  Be Nice, people! Haters suck.

 

• Enjoy Yourself – You can actually be pretty cool to spend time with! Rock your YOU-NIQUE-NICITY. (Check out the word I just created. Yay!)

 

• Serenity - Read the serenity prayer. It says it all.

 

• Freedom - I want so much to be free! Free of this disease, this negativity, this self-imposed misery. Recovery represents FREEDOM to me. When I constantly hold on to the thought of freedom, my shackles become more painfully obvious and harder to bear — which is a good thing. I have spent so much of my life in bondage to this disease, I have grown quite accustomed to living that way. But I AM MORE THAN THAT!

 

• “Keep Calm, Carry on” — I say this to myself ALL THE TIME. Another thing I say is “It Happens, Keep Moving!” These little nuggets help me get past the “toast landing on floor peanut-butter side down” moments (0:” Try it!  

• Simple - Simplicity is an art form. A talent. A skill. Practice makes better.  I tend to complicate and over think EVERYTHING when really? Less is more. (I really have to work  at this! Work in progress.)

 

• Presence – I so often seek escape. From myself, my feelings, my situations. Enter Eating Disorder stage left. I try to remember to stay present and focused. Simple, but not easy. I sometimes have to mentally talk myself through moments to get out of my head. “I am walking to the car, I am putting the key in the door, I am opening the door”…..It’s good practice.

What words do you carry close to your heart?

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Check Me Out!

 

My focus of late is  taking care of myself – a rather foreign concept for me.  I have much to learn.  I started “checking in” with myself throughout the day.  I ask myself how I’m feeling, what I feel like doing, what my body needs, etc…and I try to nurture and provide for myself based on my answers.

This is groundbreaking stuff for me.

When it comes to self-help and spiritual development literature I have “read-heard-lather-rinse-repeat-been-there-and-bought-the-t-shirt.”  Yet, I have never been able to actually implement it.

Take deep Breaths…Drink Green Tea…yadda, yadda. Yeah, I totally agree. Makes sense. But somehow I never get around to it….probably because I am too busy freaking out and thinking ED thoughts. (0:

Now here I am *finger quotes* Checking In with Myself.

And it rocks my socks.

It’s no picnic in paradise, mind you. But it is awesome nonetheless.

Suddenly, I am getting to know myself, explore myself.

It’s like I’m spinning into my cocoon, where I have to figure out who I am and what I’m made of before I’m able to see what I can become.

(I have a deep belief about butterflies–you can read about it here)

It’s very uncomfortable at times. I have to face some ugly thinks. Ugly feelies.

I might check in and find myself incredibly lonely or anxious and impatient or feeling fat. And I don’t know why. But now, I can begin sorting all that out and trying to make myself feel better –  rather than spinning out of control and acting out the crazies.

I feel like I can corral a little of the insanity.

Like “Checking Myself In,” you know what I mean?

Then at times, it is quite pleasant. I realize I feel good. Alive. Hopeful. Like Dancing. Relaxed. interested. I feel ridiculous quite often.  At these times I am very pleased. I might have glossed over this finery before. That’s when:

“Checking In With Myself” feels like

“Checking Myself Out” (0:

 

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First Birthday Without You

My brother was born 39 years ago today.

He died suddenly, 7 months and 3 days ago. For 214 days he has been in heaven and I am choosing to believe this is his  best birthday ever.

The measure of a life — is in the living. Not in the dying. Not in the “what would have come next.’ I choose to believe he is not really missing anything. He is at peace and he is here with all of us who loved him in spirit.

Greg was awesome.  Of all my siblings he was closest to me in a special way. I have so many memories. I feel like he is the one who really “got” me, appreciated me for who I was, and recognized the difficulties I am facing. He was honest with me. Having overcome addiction himself,  he would not tolerate the elephant in the room that my disease has become (more on that later).

He is completely hilarious. And smart. And deep. And….sigh. So many things.

I will likely write so much more about him and how difficult his death has been but for today — I am choosing to just purely LOVE him.

Today, on his memorial Facebook page I wrote:

On your Birthday, Big Bro, I will focus on your living not your dying. Just for today, I choose to remember you more than I miss you. I will make your presence in our hearts be greater than your absence. I will celebrate your life, and not imagine the life you left behind…what could have been. Just for today. I love you. PS–SERENITY NOW!!!!

 His was truly a beautiful struggle. He is my inspiration.

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Cleaning Up My Act

Okay, so yesterday I was a big hot mess flaming hot mess.

Train wreck on crack. Bananas in the dryer. Bucket in a crap storm.

I have decided it is time for me to clean up my act.

I have strayed so far from my meal plan for too long — eating intuitively erratically and when all is said and done:

 I have no business being solely responsible for feeding myself.

I end up sick   fat  insane.

I know what I need to do. I need to get back on my meal plan. My first step is going to be to log my food. For a while now I have abandoned doing so because, frankly, I hated looking at all the food I was consuming and also because I stopped measuring and weighing all the things I ate. (I did most of the time, but there was also a lot of “eyeballing”).

So, the food journal and the weighing and measuring need to make a come back. First things first. Baby steps. Then I’ll concentrate on meta-snacks and getting my dairy and carbs and fat and all of that rigamarole.  I have followed the no-sugar/no-flour thing so that has never been a problem, but I do notice I have been eating a bit too much processed food and diet drinks and I need to clean that up a bit too. (I imagine I will make a page regarding my actual meal plan given to me while in recovery soon).

I need to get back to SERFing — Spirituality  Exercise  Rest  Foodplan  — every single day.

The food party is officially over. Proper diet, exercise and rest. And Jesus.

Jesus can clean my heart. He is the ultimate cleanser.

I know this will restore my mind, my sense of well being. No more sad-hagging and elephant feelings.

**crossing fingers**

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I’ll get you my pretty….and your little dog, too.

The past two months have been pretty rough –particularly on the ED front. The wicked witch of eatingdisorderville has been relentless in her pursuit. I guess I just didn’t have the energy to fight back. In fact, I pretty much climbed on her broomstick with her and let her take me for a ride.

For a while now, God has been working in my heart, leading me to recognize that (a) not only do I  need treatment,  but (b) I actually want treatment. I have been thinking about it a lot, imagining what it would be like for me to be inpatient, reading recovery stories…trying to imagine all my life might be and all the while becoming more and more aware of how bereft and empty it is now.

But, you know the game. “When…but….maybe….if….tomorrow.”

The universal truth is: tomorrow never comes.

There are only todays.

Today I am thinking about ruby red slippers and yellow brick roads. Except I know better than to think some wizard can help me find my way home.

The tin man recognized his heart, the scarecrow discovered his wisdom, and the lion found his courage and strength. But all they needed was to be themselves and put aside their insecurities.

I’m thinking I can put on my big girl panties (and my ruby reds) and uncover who I am inside. Uncover, discover, recover my self.

So for now….let’s see what I can manage on my own.

I just need to take my steps forward and keep my focus…”there’s no place like home…there’s no place like home…”

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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..

Enough is enough. You see, I had decided that the most painful and frustrating part of going around being a sad-hag is because basically I am not a “wah-wah-wah, doom and gloom” kind of girl. It’s just not my nature. I like butterflies and rainbows and clouds and drawings of honeybees. I love Jesus. 

  I like being ridiculous. I like to eat peanut butter and pickles. 

All you need is Love. Peace. 

So I was going around like….what is wrong with me. Where is my “me”-ness?Sheesh. 

So I developed the brilliant plan to just “give in”  to the depression rather than trying to fight it.  

I scripted a new inner-monologue. 

“I’m not okay and I’m okay with that ”…. “I have run out of pretend”….I like to just sleep all the time and numb myself out in my apartment. That’s my “happy place.” 

Problem is, I’d be feeling like a cruddy, dirty, grey slug and then all of the sudden I find myself making little jokes with my neighbor and smiling or thinking happy thoughts or something. This is really incongruous with what is going on in my life, but I can’t help it. It is not fake. It’s me. 

I am sad happy girl. Or happy sad girl. Is there a word for a happy sort of sad or a sad sort of happiness? Not ambivalence…. 

Maybe I am like the sunshine peaking out of a cloud. Or — my favorite time of day -twilight- when the world gets really glow-y and everything is oddly illuminated.  It is pretty rare and when it happens it feels like magic. 

See what I mean? I am the girl who goes outside and says “Yay! It’s twilight…it’s like magic!” and yes, when there is a rainbow in the sky I want to let everyone in my vicinity know about it (for instance – a complete stranger in the parking lot). 

But I’m also a big, fatty-fat pants failure who can’t get it 

My avatar?

 

 together. 

 See what I mean?

 

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Cocoon

Main Entry: ¹co·coon

Pronunciation: \kə-ˈkün\

1 a : an envelope often largely of silk which an insect larva forms about itself and in which it passes the pupa stage b : any of various other protective coverings produced by animals
2 a : something suggesting a cocoon especially in providing protection or in producing isolation

Because I choose to believe that complete transformation is possible, I consistently latch onto the symbolic metamorphosis of the caterpillar into a butterfly — which I also liken to the caterpillar’s journey into becoming the butterfly. Because there is work involved.

The whole scenario abounds with metaphor….the caterpillar confined to the leaf and then undergoing a true soul-transformation into a creature full of color and light and life. A creature that can fly toward the light.  But first the caterpillar must face the darkness of the cocoon…go within itself until finally it is ready to begin the beautiful struggle and fight the darkness…..you get the picture.

So, this sort of malaise I find myself in of late, while extremely painful and disturbing, also feels quite functional. I don’t have the energy to run away from my issues right now. I have sunk to my knees in the sand and just watch as the water washes me over and recedes again and again.

Cocoon “any of various other protective coverings produced by animals….something suggesting a cocoon especially in providing protection or in producing isolation”

So as I slink home, preparing to bury myself in a novel and make a sport of sleeping just to avoid being awake, there is a sense of comfort. That I am doing something that I need to do. I am in a transition period right now. It’s scary and dark and confining and so lonely but perhaps that is exactly where I need to be.

Just a thought.

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