Perspective

That wall you keep hitting?

 

You know. The one that lands you flat on your razzmattazz?

It may be the door.

Question is: Are you BOLD enough to find the doorknob?

Do you TRUST enough?

Do you have FAITH enough?

I believe if we can muster up the trust and the faith….the strength and the courage WILL come.

And freedom is ours.

• Thank you so much for your words of encouragement left after my last post and as always. From the bottom of my heart. Love!!! Pure love.
• More importantly…do you have “a wall” that you are quite familiar with? One that you hit time and time again? What if it was a door? I know. Still scary.

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It Happens….Keep Moving

 

Last night was rough.

I make steps forward in recovery and suddenly find myself crashing through part of the course I already traveled.

I seldom have a clue exactly when I decide to turn my face away from the goal and high-tail it backwards. I just find myself there.

 

 

 

And today, I feel really sad about my life. My situation.

Really upset with myself.

*Sigh*”

It happens. Keep Moving.

(This is one of my favorite “Missy-isms” I say it to myself quite a bit. )

                                                                                                                                            

Practicing “Constructive Living” helps my recovery. By no means have I mastered this, but I do find the teachings really helpful. (when I can get out of my head long enough to employ them)

Constructive Living emphasizes accepting your feelings without trying to change them. You acknowledge them, learn from them, then focus on doing what needs doing.  

“Focus on living well regardless of how you are feeling at the moment.”

Feelings are real –same way this paper mask is real– But they do not define me.

I’m still essentially the same underneath it all.

I could have a montage of last night running through my mind. I could journal about it, think of ways to burn calories get back on track…I can let my whole day be consumed by the past. Trust me. Been there. 

But…I won’t.

 

I’ll just put on a happy face and “keep moving.”

“Feelings fade over time unless re-stimulated.”

“Neurotic suffering grows from self-centeredness, misplaced attention.”

 

UM…on an ENTIRELY unrelated note…look at this random trippy picture!

My face is cracking me up, too. Totally not posed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“Don’t Call it a Comeback….”

If I am to be honest with myself–  and being honest with myself is VITAL to my recovery — I have to face the fact that I am …..

Misbehaving.

Call it what you will: slipping, back-tracking, losing focus…just not RELAPSE.

Relapse would mean a complete 180 back to the darkness.  I am still making a lot of good choices, going to meetings, praying for recovery…etc. I prefer the term misbehavior to describe what I am experiencing.

I can’t ignore these BEHAVIORS of mine that started after losing my appetite a few weeks ago.  I can no longer deny that they SCREAM  “EATING DISORDERED.”

I have been behaving very badly. Not on my best behavior. Bad Girl.

In an effort to deal with this in a manner akin to writing sentences on the chalkboard or wearing the DUNCE cap in class… I have decided to capture these behaviors on my blog – an attempt to virtually simulate  a time – out.

“Go to my room, think about what I did, and not come out until I’m ready to behave.”

I am not going to punish myself…recovery is a process. I have no reason to feel “bad” or “guilty” about a bit of misbehavior — a little funny business. I’m a work in progress! I have to learn from my mistakes.

Without further delay here it is. The ugly truth of what I have been up to.

• Weighing myself. It started innocently enough, because I had not weighed myself in … 9,10 months? I needed gauge where my weight is. Seeing the number was highly alarming, actually.  So…why I have done it since? Am I still alarmed or perversely amused? Hmmm…bad, bad, Missy. This should, fortunately, be easy to resolve. Weighing myself was never the full-blown, consuming obsession I have known it to be in other anorexics.  I  managed to avoid the rabbit-hole to that particular wonderland.  (thank you God).
• Eating far too many egg whites because they are just easy and safe for me right now and telling myself “after all, I just have no appetite.”  I must admit I am NOT eating, because 1/2 cup egg whites does not a lunch make.
• Dousing my food with mustard, hot sauce….almost as if I don’t want to taste it. I am not talking about normal amounts. I’m talking — embarrassing, shameful amounts. Anyone  witnessing this behavior would surely feel sick to their stomach. 
• More than a few trips to the store that entail purchases of 4 different types of mustard and 3 different hot sauces –even when I have some at home. Then proceeding to check-out with little else in my cart besides diet soda, maybe. Straight up freak behavior. 
• Lots of caffeine. And enjoying the way it makes me workout like a maniac. Yes, I enjoy feeling all the endorphins when I have a fantastic swim, but lets face it. This is bad behavior.
• Eating and craving pickles, mustards, hot sauces, olives like crazy! This is 1). An anorexic behavior of looking for food-alternatives/substitutes. 2) A primal yearning for salt — a sign of dehydration. 
• KINDA-sorta feeling the ISOLATING tip. I had been feeling lonely lately — disappointed that all my plans kept falling through. I adopted the mindset of just entertaining myself and hoping social activities would find me rather than search them out. I fear this is not a good sign. I’m not concerned if I spend any time with another person this weekend. Last week I was feeling so alone! 

These behaviors alarm me because they are ghosts from the past….I did all of them (to a greater degree, with reckless abandon, and no self-awareness) when I was “in the trenches.”

You can’t BS*** a BSh***er….ya know? I know this is bad stuff.

So…..deep breath.  “Mommy can I come out now? I promise I’ll do better!”

(0;

Coincidentally (if you catch the pop culture reference in my title)

“Mama Said knock you out.”

 That Means YOU…stupid anorexia.

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