Last night my friend and I went out for drinks and sohappytogether time. 
That’s mine on the left. An iced err…”shaken” Passion Tazo tea. So fancy. So potentially problematic. You see, I just knew I’d have trouble accepting the fact that it was unsweetened and caffeine free. I was prepared though. I’m used to it. It’s just STOOOOPID.
But yet this morning it was STILL on my Radio KDFK. So much so that I posted this in a support group I belong to.
Just to vent. It was SO IRRITATING.
Yes, irritating. It was so annoying hearing that stupid crap buzz around in my brain like fly.
*note – the word “hearing” is key here. Hearing is different than thinking.
This afternoon I had a Dr Appointment. The second time in a row he was pleased with me (high-fiving myself). I don’t expect applause but I will take bows for every small thing thankyouverymuch.
One thing “we” are working on is increasing my sodium intake and he wants me to drink Gatorade (and milkshakes but he knows that ain’t happening…lol) . Though this University of Florida alum LOVES Gatorade in theory, it’s not my cup of anything.
Instead, I have been drinking vegetable juice and electrolyte balanced drinks…etc.
And eating more salt (trying at least).
Leaving his office on a “Idonegood!” high, I was happily sipping my Smart Water Zero when I though to check the sodium content – which I am now realizing I never even saw because:
Yeah. NOT Vitamin Water Zero. The irony. It’s like God was all “I’ll take your herbal tea insanity and raise you one cane sugar and fructose laden bottle of fuel for thought!”
Oh the places your brain will go! The thinks it will think!
So yes, my brain had a field day with that. And me? I was just sitting there enjoying taking in the freak show.
It was noticeably different than how I would have reacted in the past. I felt like more of a witness and less of a player in the game. An impartial witness?
No. Let’s not go too far.
More like a passive, bi-partisan witness.
Cool. I’ll take it.
I wanted to write about this because it’s a little peek into the insanity of my ED head which I don’t choose to write about much. 
I certainly don’t have much to admire in terms of recovery. <—Understatement.
This doesn’t erase the fact that I lost minutes of my life in a mind-fog in front of tofu tonight as I presided and deliberated over the caloric differences between varieties. (All the while extremely frustrated with myself and I was NOT impartial this time).
Yes, I threw the rest of the bottle away. Yes, I came home and checked the other bottles to see if I made the same mistake. (I am getting so lazy the older saner I get. How did this even happen? Who am I? LOL. )
I don’t have the power to choose the insane thoughts, reactions, and behaviors I have and feel regarding food. At least not yet. The best I can hope for at this point is to be less and less and less invested in them.
Less Captivated.
As time goes on, I am beginning to see myself emerge from some of the things I was once captive too….little by little.
This gives me hope. Time takes time.
- Care to share any crazy thinks you’ve
thunkHEARD lately?
