Decidedly Un-Groovy

“Ba da, Ba da, Ba da, Ba da…Feelin’ Groovy?”   

Sorry Simon and Garfunkel, but me? NOT SO MUCH.

I am most definitely anti-groove. Decidedly un-groovy.

What I AM feeling is the absence of groove.  I want my groove back.

I have spent the past week feeling so YUCK. I’ve smiled, yeah. But I’m not feeling like myself.

I am lonely — lonely to the core. This makes me want to isolate because, if I do venture out there, the inevitable return to my apartment, my self,  my lonely existence feels even worse.  I am being crazy-stupid about food — which is both caused by and contributing to my mucked-up moods. I feel closer to being “in disease” right now than “in recovery.”

Being “in disease” has lost it’s ”charm” (not that it ever had much). I mean — it no longer works for me as a crutch or a coping mechanism. I can’t numb out and lose myself in the ED Insanity without KNOWING THE WHOLE TIME how much it SUCKS and how WEAK I am being.  

Add a generous heap of low energy, numbness, lack of sleep and boredom and what do you get?

The opposite of GROOVE.
Hmm….A BUMP. Maybe this is just a “bump in the road.”

The worst part, the scary part, is my lack of motivation or energy to do anything to help myself right now.

I just. Don’t. Care. (For now…)

God? I need a swift kick in the butt.

 So….what to do, what to do?   I HAVE to take action so I can find my way back to the sunny side of life and …..

 

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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..

Enough is enough. You see, I had decided that the most painful and frustrating part of going around being a sad-hag is because basically I am not a “wah-wah-wah, doom and gloom” kind of girl. It’s just not my nature. I like butterflies and rainbows and clouds and drawings of honeybees. I love Jesus. 

  I like being ridiculous. I like to eat peanut butter and pickles. 

All you need is Love. Peace. 

So I was going around like….what is wrong with me. Where is my “me”-ness?Sheesh. 

So I developed the brilliant plan to just “give in”  to the depression rather than trying to fight it.  

I scripted a new inner-monologue. 

“I’m not okay and I’m okay with that ”…. “I have run out of pretend”….I like to just sleep all the time and numb myself out in my apartment. That’s my “happy place.” 

Problem is, I’d be feeling like a cruddy, dirty, grey slug and then all of the sudden I find myself making little jokes with my neighbor and smiling or thinking happy thoughts or something. This is really incongruous with what is going on in my life, but I can’t help it. It is not fake. It’s me. 

I am sad happy girl. Or happy sad girl. Is there a word for a happy sort of sad or a sad sort of happiness? Not ambivalence…. 

Maybe I am like the sunshine peaking out of a cloud. Or — my favorite time of day -twilight- when the world gets really glow-y and everything is oddly illuminated.  It is pretty rare and when it happens it feels like magic. 

See what I mean? I am the girl who goes outside and says “Yay! It’s twilight…it’s like magic!” and yes, when there is a rainbow in the sky I want to let everyone in my vicinity know about it (for instance – a complete stranger in the parking lot). 

But I’m also a big, fatty-fat pants failure who can’t get it 

My avatar?

 

 together. 

 See what I mean?

 

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Cocoon

Main Entry: ¹co·coon

Pronunciation: \kə-ˈkün\

1 a : an envelope often largely of silk which an insect larva forms about itself and in which it passes the pupa stage b : any of various other protective coverings produced by animals
2 a : something suggesting a cocoon especially in providing protection or in producing isolation

Because I choose to believe that complete transformation is possible, I consistently latch onto the symbolic metamorphosis of the caterpillar into a butterfly — which I also liken to the caterpillar’s journey into becoming the butterfly. Because there is work involved.

The whole scenario abounds with metaphor….the caterpillar confined to the leaf and then undergoing a true soul-transformation into a creature full of color and light and life. A creature that can fly toward the light.  But first the caterpillar must face the darkness of the cocoon…go within itself until finally it is ready to begin the beautiful struggle and fight the darkness…..you get the picture.

So, this sort of malaise I find myself in of late, while extremely painful and disturbing, also feels quite functional. I don’t have the energy to run away from my issues right now. I have sunk to my knees in the sand and just watch as the water washes me over and recedes again and again.

Cocoon “any of various other protective coverings produced by animals….something suggesting a cocoon especially in providing protection or in producing isolation”

So as I slink home, preparing to bury myself in a novel and make a sport of sleeping just to avoid being awake, there is a sense of comfort. That I am doing something that I need to do. I am in a transition period right now. It’s scary and dark and confining and so lonely but perhaps that is exactly where I need to be.

Just a thought.

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