I Had a Dream

I was thinking about MLK Jr today and suddenly found myself scrambling to dig out the notebook I kept during treatment.

I was reminded that I, too, had a dream:

I am saddened to recognize the lack of progress I’ve made in reaching this vision of recovery.

I am saddened that I have spent the past months watching as my hopes dimmed into a hopelessness. 

Yet, I am grateful. Today I remembered that I had a dream.
The reality is, it’s still my dream.

As I read over my journal entry, I suddenly recalled that yesterday the poem “Harlem” by Langston Hughes ran through my head. (I was vacuuming my closet if you want to how random this was. #IgetitGod.)

What happens to a dream deferred?

Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

My deferred dream, my hopes have sagged into the heavy hopelessness that’s been weighing me down.

I want my hopes and dreams to EXPLODE with renewed fervor. I want to be on FIRE again.
Maybe deferred dreams can turn into an explosive, passionate drive.

It could go either way. I think it’s up to me.

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Roller Coaster of Recovery

This graph captures my experience with recovery. Take a look.

When I first started this journey, I was filled with optimism and excitement. The changes I made were incredibly rewarding. It was a natural high.

Then I reach the point where I have to INVEST EVERYTHING in recovery and let go of my eating disorder ENTIRELY.

Enter FEAR.  You have to take a risk.

—-> I wrote about it here <—

FEAR has gotten the best of me once again.

I started denying my problems or ignoring them. I’m trying to negotiate my recovery.  Do it my way. #howsthatworkingoutforyou?

I’ve continued down the slope of disease.  And I do mean down. I’m no longer IN DENIAL, I’m living WITH DENIAL. That means being gruesomely aware each time I act in my disease. It obliterates my self-esteem. Yet, I can’t seem to stop.

I’m terrified. I’ve never experienced a trough so low. The gravity of my situation is new to me as my behaviors have progressed in ways I’ve never fathomed. 

I’ve been in a state of PANIC for some time.

Panic is TIRING. I’ve bottomed out.

Though I’m in tremendous pain, I have so much gratitude.  My hope is still alive and I have FAITH. Actually, that’s ALL I have.

I can barely recognize myself. I am an empty shell.

When we are left with nothing – we have nothing left to lose.

 

Recovery is NOT pretty. I guess I thought I’d wake up one day and be “normal.”

Oh, and I suppose I blocked out the whole “weight-gain” thing. Who cares about weight? It turns out I do. I’ve gained a great deal of weight and it is no less than torture. #ED = EVIL.

   

Recovery can be UGLY at times. It’s no magic carpet ride. It’s gruesome and painful and I suppose I’m just realizing that now.

Recovery is NOT pretty. It’s a rollercoaster in a messed-up, demonic amusement park. I don’t remember paying for admission, but I’m here now. Desperate to get back up and find the EXIT.

I’m not sure I’ll be writing about recovery for a while. Rest assured my heart is in a good place. I’m not looking for advice. I will not be entering a treatment facility at this time for several reasons both rational and imagined. Please refrain from leaving comments suggesting I do. I have engaged a therapist.

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Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled

 

 

Does my stank day make my face look stank?

I was wrecked yesterday.  

(Let me whine before I get to the good part.)

I woke up recovering from a migraine I had the night before. The last thing I wanted to do was go to class.

Oh! Did I mention I am enrolled in a tax preparation class? Um….yeah.

Why? I have no earthly clue. SO NOT MY THING. IT’S ANTI-MY-THING.

My boss (Dad) wanted me to so I did. It’s 8 hours of week during which I contemplate the complete lack of career and direction in my life. But that’s another topic.

I’ll be the one doodling butterflies and rainbows in the margins of your tax return and signing letters to the IRS with “Peace and Blessings”

At class, we find out the AC is broken. (Still 80 degrees here in South Florida. Small, crowded room. Lots of Bodies. Lots of numbers. Lots of boring content.)

I felt like I was going to smother and stifle. My headache was making a comeback.

After two hours, I HAD to get out of there. Upon my first breath of air I immediately sat down on the curve to collect myself.

I sort of looked like this (RE-ENACTMENT)

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Suddenly I heard a voice say “This ought to help”

and this cute little old man handed me this.

 

He just said “Take care Sweetheart” and continued walking.

 

I believe God uses all sorts of means to reach his children (you and me). Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes it’s “in your face” as if God is making sure you won’t miss it.

 

A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

I have ready many passages in the word that speak to my struggles with anorexia but I never saw this proverb before.

I went home and collapsed (see above and below) which made me feel better.  Not a re-enactment, by the way. I had to document the pure relief of hitting the bed in the AC for a bit before heading to work.

Where I was treated to this sushi-throw down courtesy of my big bro.

And felt even better yet.

 

 

YES, I ATE IT ALL. 

Boo –to the- Yeah.

(this was all mine. My brother’s lunch went un-captured)

Biggest lunch I have eaten (ever?) in a long time.

One small step for man, one giant leap for Missy-Kind.

 

• Anyone out there ever been “touched by an angel?”
• Have you eaten anything that is a major accomplishment for you lately?

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Words to Live By

I was working hard at the office *ahem* Okay, I was at work  but found time to squeeze in a random art project.

 On a whim, I re-purposed a set of  magnets by adorning them with some choice words. (I LOVE words–but I don’t like the word logophile). 

 

These words mean so much to me. I try to keep them in mind as much as possible.

I collect magnets, by the way. I’ll have to show them off sometime.

  

• Faith– Again and again God tells us in his Word to have faith. We repeatedly see that it was “by faith” and “through faith” that miracles happen, progress is made. Healing is accomplished. I don’t believe ”nothing is impossible if you have faith”….but I firmly believe that EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU HAVE FAITH.

 

• Love – I believe LOVE is the most spiritual practice of all. Unmitigated, unconditional LOVE for EVERYTHING.  “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” 1 Cor 13:13.

  

• Peace – Less to do with politics and more about being gentle and serene with yourself and others. BEING AT PEACE and ENJOYING MOMENTS.  I am not a fan of loud conversations, brash words, and craziness. There is WAY too much of that going on in my head. So, I try to keep the ideal of peace in mind. Especially when it comes to being at peace with myself.

 

• Be Kind - Be gentle and good and loving to yourself, other people- to all living things.  Especially ourselves. I am so tired of beating myself up!  Be Nice, people! Haters suck.

 

• Enjoy Yourself – You can actually be pretty cool to spend time with! Rock your YOU-NIQUE-NICITY. (Check out the word I just created. Yay!)

 

• Serenity - Read the serenity prayer. It says it all.

 

• Freedom - I want so much to be free! Free of this disease, this negativity, this self-imposed misery. Recovery represents FREEDOM to me. When I constantly hold on to the thought of freedom, my shackles become more painfully obvious and harder to bear — which is a good thing. I have spent so much of my life in bondage to this disease, I have grown quite accustomed to living that way. But I AM MORE THAN THAT!

 

• “Keep Calm, Carry on” — I say this to myself ALL THE TIME. Another thing I say is “It Happens, Keep Moving!” These little nuggets help me get past the “toast landing on floor peanut-butter side down” moments (0:” Try it!  

• Simple - Simplicity is an art form. A talent. A skill. Practice makes better.  I tend to complicate and over think EVERYTHING when really? Less is more. (I really have to work  at this! Work in progress.)

 

• Presence – I so often seek escape. From myself, my feelings, my situations. Enter Eating Disorder stage left. I try to remember to stay present and focused. Simple, but not easy. I sometimes have to mentally talk myself through moments to get out of my head. “I am walking to the car, I am putting the key in the door, I am opening the door”…..It’s good practice.

What words do you carry close to your heart?

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Lemon Yellow, Sky Blue…Little Box of Goodness

 

Guess what I got???

Yup– a FRESH BOX of Crayolas. Ah, the joy. The crisp, unmarked wrappers. The perfect pointy tips. And the smell!

A box of crayons is magical – opening one is like opening a box of possibility!

So often we are guilty of thinking in

Black or White.

We are told we must learn to think in shades of gray. And that’s Okay.

I guess.

I think we ought to leave the droopy colors at home and instead choose to….

Life is like a blank coloring book. It gives us the hard, black and white outlines, but it is OUR CHOICE how we choose to color it in.

What colors will your day be today?

Will you stay inside the lines OR NOT?

 

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Bueller? … Bueller?

On Monday I decided to take a Personal Day off work. I was  exhausted because a *shudder* sewer emergency kept me and all my neighbors busy until all hours of the night. I will spare you the details except for one little gem….

I totally pulled an Amy Poehler in the movie Baby Mama. Never seen it? This should suffice.

Me + sink + roll of toilet paper + bottle of bleach = FUN TIMES

Yeah, I went there. What else was I gonna do? The entire complex was crawling with people or I would have gone alfresco.

Anyway, as soon as I gave my boss the news,  I quickly realized I really NEEDED some quality ME time. I have been running around goose-on-the-loose style; being social and active and attending meetings and suddenly –  I just wanted ME. Solitude.

This was new — because I was not isolating. It’s normal to want some alone time. It can be productive, in fact. Constructive.

I decided to do some serious thinking and contemplating that day. I brushed my teeth, got my swimsuit on, gathered some books and headed to the pool. Ahhh……….

Did I have any deep thoughts? Profound insights? Ah-hah moments?

Nanny,Nanny Boo Boo.. I’m not at work…whatcha gonna do?

I had some serious work to do…but also finished up “Bitter is the New Black” by Jen Lancaster. It was so quiet.

My rings Say “Be Brave Love Life, Believe, and Love

This? Was a G-O-O-D idea.

 Here are some of the thinks I thunk:

The good, the bad and the ugly.

• I am too thin. Scary thin. /0:
• I have mixed feelings  *LETS GET REAL* I think a part of me (the ED) is quite happy about this — which makes me sad.
• I started a new book called “Woman, Food and God” by Geneen Roth which my Mom gave me and it has me thinking A LOT! Can all my beliefs about who I am and what I believe be represented by what and how I eat? I think she is on to something!  
• I need a meal plan. BIG TIME. Even if I have to hammer one out myself. I am simply not eating enough.
• I am definitely doing the right thing by going to these meetings; Anorexics & Bulimics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and my treatment center’s alumni group. I think I am ready to start gathering literature and get to work.
• I need MORE God in my life.
• I don’t want to work — I just want to play in the sun all day.
• I need to do this ME time more often! (0:

So….I guess I’ll get to work. First step? A closer look at my food/meal intake and what I may be able to improve.

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Paradise With a Price

So. My last post detailed a wonderful, spirit-renewing vacation in the keys,  Just What The Dr. Ordered (in this case the “Dr” being God.)

It was ocean breezes, sunshine and bliss. Yes! I felt ready to live and enjoy life again!

I left something out. The story did not end there. 
That’s not all God wanted to show me — he took special care to drop some serious logic on me by serving-up some pretty serious awakenings.**

By the last day of my trip I was completely SPENT. EXHAUSTED. WEAK. DIZZY. NOT WELL.

And very scared.

I’m talking — I can barely crawl…CERTAINLY cannot drive home…contemplating a visit to the ER…YUCK.

I figured out, I was severely dehydrated and had to spend the next two days marooned in the condo moving from bed to recliner to bed again. I over-did it.

I realize that I am suffering complete disillusion of proper health. I noticed when I was with my friends that I had a marked lack of vitality compared to them. Less energy and strength.

And then, when I got so sick — I was forced to recognize the fact that I AM NOT WELL, and I AM IN DANGER. 

My mom said “your body is tiny — the sun takes it out of you really fast.”

How much longer before THE LIFE is taken out of me…”really fast?”

I am scared.

SO…I did what I felt God telling me to do. My first step was to start attending the meetings I had been “meaning to go to” and to try to book a nutritionist. I am also fervently praying for God’s help.

And…so far…so far. I know I am doing the right things and for now that is the best I can do.

 It’s been two weeks and I am not sure what will come next but….SOMETHING needs to change.

I am the only one who can make that happen.

And, God? I’m listening for my next orders.

 

**It was as if he waited until I was in a good mood so that I could fully contemplate the message, ya know?

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Check Me Out!

 

My focus of late is  taking care of myself – a rather foreign concept for me.  I have much to learn.  I started “checking in” with myself throughout the day.  I ask myself how I’m feeling, what I feel like doing, what my body needs, etc…and I try to nurture and provide for myself based on my answers.

This is groundbreaking stuff for me.

When it comes to self-help and spiritual development literature I have “read-heard-lather-rinse-repeat-been-there-and-bought-the-t-shirt.”  Yet, I have never been able to actually implement it.

Take deep Breaths…Drink Green Tea…yadda, yadda. Yeah, I totally agree. Makes sense. But somehow I never get around to it….probably because I am too busy freaking out and thinking ED thoughts. (0:

Now here I am *finger quotes* Checking In with Myself.

And it rocks my socks.

It’s no picnic in paradise, mind you. But it is awesome nonetheless.

Suddenly, I am getting to know myself, explore myself.

It’s like I’m spinning into my cocoon, where I have to figure out who I am and what I’m made of before I’m able to see what I can become.

(I have a deep belief about butterflies–you can read about it here)

It’s very uncomfortable at times. I have to face some ugly thinks. Ugly feelies.

I might check in and find myself incredibly lonely or anxious and impatient or feeling fat. And I don’t know why. But now, I can begin sorting all that out and trying to make myself feel better –  rather than spinning out of control and acting out the crazies.

I feel like I can corral a little of the insanity.

Like “Checking Myself In,” you know what I mean?

Then at times, it is quite pleasant. I realize I feel good. Alive. Hopeful. Like Dancing. Relaxed. interested. I feel ridiculous quite often.  At these times I am very pleased. I might have glossed over this finery before. That’s when:

“Checking In With Myself” feels like

“Checking Myself Out” (0:

 

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First Birthday Without You

My brother was born 39 years ago today.

He died suddenly, 7 months and 3 days ago. For 214 days he has been in heaven and I am choosing to believe this is his  best birthday ever.

The measure of a life — is in the living. Not in the dying. Not in the “what would have come next.’ I choose to believe he is not really missing anything. He is at peace and he is here with all of us who loved him in spirit.

Greg was awesome.  Of all my siblings he was closest to me in a special way. I have so many memories. I feel like he is the one who really “got” me, appreciated me for who I was, and recognized the difficulties I am facing. He was honest with me. Having overcome addiction himself,  he would not tolerate the elephant in the room that my disease has become (more on that later).

He is completely hilarious. And smart. And deep. And….sigh. So many things.

I will likely write so much more about him and how difficult his death has been but for today — I am choosing to just purely LOVE him.

Today, on his memorial Facebook page I wrote:

On your Birthday, Big Bro, I will focus on your living not your dying. Just for today, I choose to remember you more than I miss you. I will make your presence in our hearts be greater than your absence. I will celebrate your life, and not imagine the life you left behind…what could have been. Just for today. I love you. PS–SERENITY NOW!!!!

 His was truly a beautiful struggle. He is my inspiration.

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Caterpillar Crawl

 

After the long weekend [in which she re-commits herself to a meal plan and recovery] I am SO amazed at how much better I feel so soon. I feel my inner butterfly again. I feel hopeful and so much more comfortable in my own skin. Thank-you Jesus!

I am still doing my caterpillar crawl …. which is faster than a snail’s pace or a sloth … and so I’m content with that.

I wrote down all of my food, though I can say I need to step it up a notch in terms of eating. But it’s all good, I got my swagger… “I got this!”

I cannot blog over the weekends since my computer died (also referred to as the day the earth stood still). I did start a new journal. It’s my full-frontal, no-holds barred journal and, let me tell you this thing is UG-GA-LEE.

Why? Because I just let out all the crazies in my mind. Radio KFKD (K-F*cked), as Anne Lamott so brilliantly describes.  (google it because I do not know how to incorporate links)

So it goes a little something like this *blushing*

me, me, me, I am fat, my pants feel like this, it is 2:45,today at the gym, I ate this, I cannot eat this, blah blah scales, blah blah weight, me, me, me, fat, fat, fat, food, food, food, weight, I want to be comfortable in my own skin….

 

You get the picture. Pathetic. But it is SO incredibly helpful. Because:

Reason 1.) It is like purging on paper. I can’t really share or verbalize this stuff with anyone else because it’s insane and boring and not really recoverically-correct*  — but it feels good to just put it out there.

The thoughts/feelings are gonna be there – I cannot deny them, I can only choose how I respond to them.  And with recovery they will get quiter and littler  and widdler and probably sound more and more stupider (which is not a word but so fun to say).

Reason 2. )When I read it – it is like I can SEE the INSANITY rather than BE the INSANITY**. I can see the ED voice and face it and – most importantly – recognize it as separate from ME***.

So, If anyone is reading this I suggest you try it. Let your Freak-Flag Fly no matter how pathetic it looks on paper and DONT rip out the pages!

*I coined the term — and by the way I FEEL THE FAT THAT IS NOT A FEELING thank you. I just wont say it out loud.

** Hmm…That just came out of me but it sounds like a self-help mantra. Missy likes it!

***mental note — next step: figure out who ME is.

 

 

 

 

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