Words to Live By

I was working hard at the office *ahem* Okay, I was at work  but found time to squeeze in a random art project.

 On a whim, I re-purposed a set of  magnets by adorning them with some choice words. (I LOVE words–but I don’t like the word logophile). 

 

These words mean so much to me. I try to keep them in mind as much as possible.

I collect magnets, by the way. I’ll have to show them off sometime.

  

• Faith– Again and again God tells us in his Word to have faith. We repeatedly see that it was “by faith” and “through faith” that miracles happen, progress is made. Healing is accomplished. I don’t believe ”nothing is impossible if you have faith”….but I firmly believe that EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU HAVE FAITH.

 

• Love – I believe LOVE is the most spiritual practice of all. Unmitigated, unconditional LOVE for EVERYTHING.  “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” 1 Cor 13:13.

  

• Peace – Less to do with politics and more about being gentle and serene with yourself and others. BEING AT PEACE and ENJOYING MOMENTS.  I am not a fan of loud conversations, brash words, and craziness. There is WAY too much of that going on in my head. So, I try to keep the ideal of peace in mind. Especially when it comes to being at peace with myself.

 

• Be Kind - Be gentle and good and loving to yourself, other people- to all living things.  Especially ourselves. I am so tired of beating myself up!  Be Nice, people! Haters suck.

 

• Enjoy Yourself – You can actually be pretty cool to spend time with! Rock your YOU-NIQUE-NICITY. (Check out the word I just created. Yay!)

 

• Serenity - Read the serenity prayer. It says it all.

 

• Freedom - I want so much to be free! Free of this disease, this negativity, this self-imposed misery. Recovery represents FREEDOM to me. When I constantly hold on to the thought of freedom, my shackles become more painfully obvious and harder to bear — which is a good thing. I have spent so much of my life in bondage to this disease, I have grown quite accustomed to living that way. But I AM MORE THAN THAT!

 

• “Keep Calm, Carry on” — I say this to myself ALL THE TIME. Another thing I say is “It Happens, Keep Moving!” These little nuggets help me get past the “toast landing on floor peanut-butter side down” moments (0:” Try it!  

• Simple - Simplicity is an art form. A talent. A skill. Practice makes better.  I tend to complicate and over think EVERYTHING when really? Less is more. (I really have to work  at this! Work in progress.)

 

• Presence – I so often seek escape. From myself, my feelings, my situations. Enter Eating Disorder stage left. I try to remember to stay present and focused. Simple, but not easy. I sometimes have to mentally talk myself through moments to get out of my head. “I am walking to the car, I am putting the key in the door, I am opening the door”…..It’s good practice.

What words do you carry close to your heart?

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Lemon Yellow, Sky Blue…Little Box of Goodness

 

Guess what I got???

Yup– a FRESH BOX of Crayolas. Ah, the joy. The crisp, unmarked wrappers. The perfect pointy tips. And the smell!

A box of crayons is magical – opening one is like opening a box of possibility!

So often we are guilty of thinking in

Black or White.

We are told we must learn to think in shades of gray. And that’s Okay.

I guess.

I think we ought to leave the droopy colors at home and instead choose to….

Life is like a blank coloring book. It gives us the hard, black and white outlines, but it is OUR CHOICE how we choose to color it in.

What colors will your day be today?

Will you stay inside the lines OR NOT?

 

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Sunny Day…Everything’s A-OK

Some treasures from July that gave me a Happy Face…

 

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Recover, Discover, Uncover

I read a fabulous post from Lana about the meaning of recovery – more specifically the word recovery. This is a topic I’ve pondered often – especially because I am a wordophile…(Hold on, let me google. There might actually be a word for that….) logophile. Hmm. I like wordophile better. ***  

For Lana,  Recovering is more about Discovering. I relate to that. I accept my experience with ED is an integrated part of my life – one I can’t erase, forget, or deny. Yeah. Part of recovery for me IS discovering who I am now. Ex-post facto. My experience and struggle changed me (in good ways and bad).  Now that I no longer starve myself into a stupor, I need to discover my place in the world again.  

But for me, Recovering has even more to do with Uncovering.   

 

 

 

 

   

  

I mean...come on. Does this not look like a girl who was all set to enjoy the good life?

 

  

   

You see, anorexia pretty much buried “me.” It pushed “me” into a deep hole within myself and filled it with so much sludge I was stifled. Suffocated. Eventually, silent. If you didn’t see it happen,  you wouldn’t know I was in there.  

Hard to describe what this long process was like — particularly because at my worst, around the time I was hospitalized, I have swiss-cheese brain. I have little recollection. Starvation will do that. I DO remember crawling up stairs, being so weak I could not press the gas pedal or steer, going to the gym only to have the manager call the ambulance 5 minutes later for a very public ”intervention,” and one time I overheard teenage boys laugh and call me ‘skeletor’ in Target…AWESOME.  

I didn’t do anything for fun. I had no idea what ’fun’ even was. I didn’t dance. I didn’t socialize. I didn’t date. I didn’t do yoga. I didn’t make any friends. I lost the ones I had. I spent birthdays alone. Thanksgivings alone. In fact, I was ALWAYS alone. Even though I had invites all the time, my acquaintances and friends  at work, the neighborhood and gym – many who I love dearly – could not penetrate my inner world (guarded by anorexia). I was living in Austin, TX — far away from any family. My relationship of 6 years had failed. He and his friends were estranged. I began to “sanitize” my life– obsessing with keeping my apartment immaculate, my clothing ironed, everything just “so.” Gone were all the kitschy, funky, fun wardrobe items and home decor. No more glitter nail polish. I gave away a lot of Sanrio stuff (for shame!), I remember that! I wanted everything to be ”plain and clean and simple.”    

BUT. There is TOO much about “me” that is not plain, clean, and simple!  

As I am starting to do this work of recovery — clearing out the sludge bit by bit — I am uncovering “me” again. I am able to breathe. Like emerging from underwater. Or ice, more apropos.   

Yeah. For me — recovering is all about uncovering the girl I left behind. I miss her.   

I’ve had an eating disorder for decades and it was a gradual disappearing act…it was at rock bottom when I was all but gone.   

I miss the me when anorexia was something I rode like a bike. Even when I became tethered to the pedals, then bound by chains. Anorexia eventually threw me from the seat, took control of the handlebars and Iwas left, still tethered, dragging behnd on the concrete. When you are that beat down, it’s hard to think about anything else but survival.   

But I’m back in the saddle again and learning to rip the covers off, unpack some of the sludge holding me down and let ”me”  breathe and BE and come alive again and —sigh.   This just feels so good!   

 Perhaps this is the time for me to lose the c0coon and unleash that inner butterfly of mine.   

***Entirely unrelated but worth a peek is this website I just found. Labeorphily – the collection and study of beer bottle labels. Who knew?***  

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It’s All Good

Some things that have made me happy lately….

Every Saturday there is a Farmer’s Market minutes away from my apartment.

One of the vendors sells all-natural dog food. So cool! (So not in my budget, though)

The market happens to be at a park and playground– Don’t mind if I do!

Drank a berry and celery smoothie…amused myself by sticking a celery stalk in it as “garnish.” Nobody else thought it was funny though. (0:

Awesome sunset at twilight…my favorite time of day which doesn’t occur very often. Everything glows.

For my Birthday my Mom found the perfect balloon for me: “So many Candles, So little Cake!” Hilarious!

Eating Sushi Summer Rolls — an accomplishment for me, so total points. (Even though I desicated it to avoid the tapioca paper and most of the carrots (soaked in sugar)…but still!!

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Take Good Care of My….

 

One week ago today [it was a dark and stormy night..] Anyway– last week I decided to   Clean Up My Act   and so it seems appropriate to “check in” with myself. Accountability and all that.  

My main focus was to get back in the habit of weighing and logging all of my food - mission accomplished. (yay!) I’ve been lenient with myself in terms of getting back on a locked-in plan. “Baby Steps”….”crawl  before you walk…etc.”  I feel ready to take another step.  

 I’ve felt weak, fatigued, achy, tired and queasy for a few days.  This could be illness, allergies, improper diet, lack of sleep, dehydration….whatever. The problem is:  I am not taking care of myself.  

   Take Care of Yourself 

“….girl-who-has-no-concept-of-what-that-means-because-eating-disorder-has-annihilated-her-mind SAYS WHAAAT?”  

God is laying it down – Missy, you need to figure that out. Like, soon.    

SERF — Spirituality, Exercise, Rest and Food  are the basics of recovery at the treatment center I attended. (For more on SERF read here.) Essentially, you focus on attending to these basics every day. I will continue to work toward this.   

 I also need to honor my body and emotions.   

 i.e…..If I am tired, rest. Weak? Skip the gym. Too lazy to mop? Tomorrow. Not hungry? Don’t eat. Hungry? Don’t wait to eat.   

To not need to follow my schedules rituals.  Find another way to be.   

Move beyond force of habit compulsion addiction and do what I WANT to do, what my body FEELS like.   

(I am about to batch my pants just thinking about that because….then what the heck am I gonna DO with myself*?)

* the never-ending loaded question.   

PHEW. Lots to focus on this week. Taking Care of Myself and working toward a more structured meal plan.   

  

Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten

 

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Seriously ♥ (¯`*•.¸,¤°

A few things I take seriously…..  

Gushing Oil Disaster in the Gulf – Seriously Disturbed  

Toddlers and Tiaras – Seriously Freaked Out  

Michelle Obama – Seriously Love Her  

All Natural Organic Peanut Butter – Seriously Devoted  

My Brother – Seriously Miss Him  

Little Boys in Glasses – Seriously Cute  

So You Think You Can Dance  – Seriously Moved  

People who think High Fructose Corn Syrup is “fine in moderation” – Seriously Misinformed  

Eating Disorders – Seriously Suck  

My Niece Jenny – Seriously a Kindred Spirit  

Music – Seriously Mandatory  

Whole Foods Market – Seriously My Utopia  

Vacuuming – Seriously Compulsive  

My Nephew, Tyler – Seriously Cool Individual  

My Social Life – Seriously Lacking  

Butterflies – Seriously Inspiring  

Kathy Griffin – Seriously Hilarious  

Lady GaGa – Seriously Don’t Get It.  

Reading – Seriously Second Nature  

Thinking I’m All Alone – Seriously Mistaken  

The word Seriously – Seriously Getting Old.  

 

   

 

  

 

 

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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..

Enough is enough. You see, I had decided that the most painful and frustrating part of going around being a sad-hag is because basically I am not a “wah-wah-wah, doom and gloom” kind of girl. It’s just not my nature. I like butterflies and rainbows and clouds and drawings of honeybees. I love Jesus. 

  I like being ridiculous. I like to eat peanut butter and pickles. 

All you need is Love. Peace. 

So I was going around like….what is wrong with me. Where is my “me”-ness?Sheesh. 

So I developed the brilliant plan to just “give in”  to the depression rather than trying to fight it.  

I scripted a new inner-monologue. 

“I’m not okay and I’m okay with that ”…. “I have run out of pretend”….I like to just sleep all the time and numb myself out in my apartment. That’s my “happy place.” 

Problem is, I’d be feeling like a cruddy, dirty, grey slug and then all of the sudden I find myself making little jokes with my neighbor and smiling or thinking happy thoughts or something. This is really incongruous with what is going on in my life, but I can’t help it. It is not fake. It’s me. 

I am sad happy girl. Or happy sad girl. Is there a word for a happy sort of sad or a sad sort of happiness? Not ambivalence…. 

Maybe I am like the sunshine peaking out of a cloud. Or — my favorite time of day -twilight- when the world gets really glow-y and everything is oddly illuminated.  It is pretty rare and when it happens it feels like magic. 

See what I mean? I am the girl who goes outside and says “Yay! It’s twilight…it’s like magic!” and yes, when there is a rainbow in the sky I want to let everyone in my vicinity know about it (for instance – a complete stranger in the parking lot). 

But I’m also a big, fatty-fat pants failure who can’t get it 

My avatar?

 

 together. 

 See what I mean?

 

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