What have I REALLY lost?

 

Three weeks ago I got uber-dehydrated while vacationing and promptly lost my appetite. A normal occurence when one is ill.  No real cause for alarm…

EXCEPT.

when you are struggling to recover from an eating disorder.

I have not experienced a complete loss of appetite in a LONG time and was very worried and frustrated even; but I ate what I could and trusted that when I felt better my appetite would return.

SO THEN.

Here I am three weeks later and still experiencing the appetite loss, though to a lesser degree. I simply have not been able to eat the quantities I have in the past.  I am trying to get in as many mini-meals and snacks as I can, because the lack of food is starting to take it’s toll. But it’s not enough.

I’m Scared.  

Because Anorexia is a manipulative, seductive, sneaky, demonic bee-otch, I have learned to second-guess myself regarding matters of my food and my weight. As someone in my ABA fellowship said, “Anorexia is a mental disease; it’s a disease that lies and says you are not sick.” So a constant inner dialogue of “Is this me or the anorexia talking?” is something I need.

This “loss of appetite” is weighing heavy on my mind.

I believe when you are recovering from an eating disorder, any disturbance in appetite or fluctuation in weight gives the ED prime opportunity to move back in and grab what it wants. When I do not eat, my Anorexia is getting “fed” by the restriction and grows stronger. It’s a monster. A parasite.

Basically — it’s been long enough and I’m wondering exactly where my head is at.

What’s going on? What have I REALLY lost?

My appetite or my will to recover?

My appetite or my honesty?

My appetite or my commitment?

My appetite or my grip?

At the same time I feel very hopeful about recovery right now. I am excited to find a nutritionist and continue to go to meetings 5 nights a week.

But I am learning it is possible to “do” all of this and “believe” in recovery and truly NOT be WILLING to SURRENDER completely. I keep hearing this story over and over in meetings.

God tugs on my heart each time I hear it — clearly that is where I’m at.  Still wanting MY WAY. MY WILL.

Now what?

1. PRAYER, PRAYER AND MORE PRAYER

2. SERIOUS CONTEMPLATION AN MEDITATION ABOUT MY WILLINGNESS TO RECOVER

3. MEAL PLAN. ASAP.

I’m exhausted already, but I can do this!

 

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Bueller? … Bueller?

On Monday I decided to take a Personal Day off work. I was  exhausted because a *shudder* sewer emergency kept me and all my neighbors busy until all hours of the night. I will spare you the details except for one little gem….

I totally pulled an Amy Poehler in the movie Baby Mama. Never seen it? This should suffice.

Me + sink + roll of toilet paper + bottle of bleach = FUN TIMES

Yeah, I went there. What else was I gonna do? The entire complex was crawling with people or I would have gone alfresco.

Anyway, as soon as I gave my boss the news,  I quickly realized I really NEEDED some quality ME time. I have been running around goose-on-the-loose style; being social and active and attending meetings and suddenly –  I just wanted ME. Solitude.

This was new — because I was not isolating. It’s normal to want some alone time. It can be productive, in fact. Constructive.

I decided to do some serious thinking and contemplating that day. I brushed my teeth, got my swimsuit on, gathered some books and headed to the pool. Ahhh……….

Did I have any deep thoughts? Profound insights? Ah-hah moments?

Nanny,Nanny Boo Boo.. I’m not at work…whatcha gonna do?

I had some serious work to do…but also finished up “Bitter is the New Black” by Jen Lancaster. It was so quiet.

My rings Say “Be Brave Love Life, Believe, and Love

This? Was a G-O-O-D idea.

 Here are some of the thinks I thunk:

The good, the bad and the ugly.

• I am too thin. Scary thin. /0:
• I have mixed feelings  *LETS GET REAL* I think a part of me (the ED) is quite happy about this — which makes me sad.
• I started a new book called “Woman, Food and God” by Geneen Roth which my Mom gave me and it has me thinking A LOT! Can all my beliefs about who I am and what I believe be represented by what and how I eat? I think she is on to something!  
• I need a meal plan. BIG TIME. Even if I have to hammer one out myself. I am simply not eating enough.
• I am definitely doing the right thing by going to these meetings; Anorexics & Bulimics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and my treatment center’s alumni group. I think I am ready to start gathering literature and get to work.
• I need MORE God in my life.
• I don’t want to work — I just want to play in the sun all day.
• I need to do this ME time more often! (0:

So….I guess I’ll get to work. First step? A closer look at my food/meal intake and what I may be able to improve.

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Take Good Care of My….

 

One week ago today [it was a dark and stormy night..] Anyway– last week I decided to   Clean Up My Act   and so it seems appropriate to “check in” with myself. Accountability and all that.  

My main focus was to get back in the habit of weighing and logging all of my food - mission accomplished. (yay!) I’ve been lenient with myself in terms of getting back on a locked-in plan. “Baby Steps”….”crawl  before you walk…etc.”  I feel ready to take another step.  

 I’ve felt weak, fatigued, achy, tired and queasy for a few days.  This could be illness, allergies, improper diet, lack of sleep, dehydration….whatever. The problem is:  I am not taking care of myself.  

   Take Care of Yourself 

“….girl-who-has-no-concept-of-what-that-means-because-eating-disorder-has-annihilated-her-mind SAYS WHAAAT?”  

God is laying it down – Missy, you need to figure that out. Like, soon.    

SERF — Spirituality, Exercise, Rest and Food  are the basics of recovery at the treatment center I attended. (For more on SERF read here.) Essentially, you focus on attending to these basics every day. I will continue to work toward this.   

 I also need to honor my body and emotions.   

 i.e…..If I am tired, rest. Weak? Skip the gym. Too lazy to mop? Tomorrow. Not hungry? Don’t eat. Hungry? Don’t wait to eat.   

To not need to follow my schedules rituals.  Find another way to be.   

Move beyond force of habit compulsion addiction and do what I WANT to do, what my body FEELS like.   

(I am about to batch my pants just thinking about that because….then what the heck am I gonna DO with myself*?)

* the never-ending loaded question.   

PHEW. Lots to focus on this week. Taking Care of Myself and working toward a more structured meal plan.   

  

Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten

 

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On a scale of……

On a scale of 1-10 where 1 is “having a moment” and 10 is “completely bananas,” yesterday I came in at around a solid 7.5 which is somewhere along the lines of “Dude….seriously?”

Here’s why.  I came home after work and the gym feeling OKish and pretty content. I cleaned up a bit and showered and then…I discovered I left my scale at work. DUN DUN DUN [queue twilight-zone music].

Oh the thinks I can think!

Almost immediately all sorts of squirrley thoughts came and brought all their nuts with them.

“Just wing it…just don’t eat at all…maybe this is a sign to not eat…maybe this is a sign to stop weighing…just eat one yogurt…etc”

About a week ago I would not have gone into such a frenzy…I’d have just pretended like I was in a restaurant and gotten over it. (Eating in a restaurant took me a while after recovery, too).

But dinner at home was one meal I ALWAYS weighed.   After my new re-commitment to log all my food, I just knew I couldn’t let it slide. So I sucked it up and drove to three different stores looking for an electronic food scale all the while becoming increasingly upset and annoyed at myself because …..really?

I should have/could have been – I don’t know – having cocktails with friends, watching a movie, doing yoga, working toward a future, ANYTHING normal 30 something single ladies would do….

But here there I was, panicking because I can’t put food in my mouth without weighing it. Running from store to store…saying an actual prayer that I would be able to find one. So I can feel safe. There is safety in numbers.

It was one of those moments when I realize how completely chained I am by this disease. And I feel robbed. I only have myself to blame.

I did find a scale; I really don’t have money to throw around but I bought it anyway and managed to calm down. An upshoot?  It’s PURTY. (See above).

Oh, and it’s a four day work week. That’s a happy think.

** I plan on examining the meal plan given to me in recovery in this blog. Is it really a good idea to give an anorexic a strict and restrictive food plan? Do we, in recovery, become too dependent on our meal plans to the point where it becomes a deviation of the eating disorder. I don’t know. Whatever works, I guess.

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Caterpillar Crawl

 

After the long weekend [in which she re-commits herself to a meal plan and recovery] I am SO amazed at how much better I feel so soon. I feel my inner butterfly again. I feel hopeful and so much more comfortable in my own skin. Thank-you Jesus!

I am still doing my caterpillar crawl …. which is faster than a snail’s pace or a sloth … and so I’m content with that.

I wrote down all of my food, though I can say I need to step it up a notch in terms of eating. But it’s all good, I got my swagger… “I got this!”

I cannot blog over the weekends since my computer died (also referred to as the day the earth stood still). I did start a new journal. It’s my full-frontal, no-holds barred journal and, let me tell you this thing is UG-GA-LEE.

Why? Because I just let out all the crazies in my mind. Radio KFKD (K-F*cked), as Anne Lamott so brilliantly describes.  (google it because I do not know how to incorporate links)

So it goes a little something like this *blushing*

me, me, me, I am fat, my pants feel like this, it is 2:45,today at the gym, I ate this, I cannot eat this, blah blah scales, blah blah weight, me, me, me, fat, fat, fat, food, food, food, weight, I want to be comfortable in my own skin….

 

You get the picture. Pathetic. But it is SO incredibly helpful. Because:

Reason 1.) It is like purging on paper. I can’t really share or verbalize this stuff with anyone else because it’s insane and boring and not really recoverically-correct*  — but it feels good to just put it out there.

The thoughts/feelings are gonna be there – I cannot deny them, I can only choose how I respond to them.  And with recovery they will get quiter and littler  and widdler and probably sound more and more stupider (which is not a word but so fun to say).

Reason 2. )When I read it – it is like I can SEE the INSANITY rather than BE the INSANITY**. I can see the ED voice and face it and – most importantly – recognize it as separate from ME***.

So, If anyone is reading this I suggest you try it. Let your Freak-Flag Fly no matter how pathetic it looks on paper and DONT rip out the pages!

*I coined the term — and by the way I FEEL THE FAT THAT IS NOT A FEELING thank you. I just wont say it out loud.

** Hmm…That just came out of me but it sounds like a self-help mantra. Missy likes it!

***mental note — next step: figure out who ME is.

 

 

 

 

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Cleaning Up My Act

Okay, so yesterday I was a big hot mess flaming hot mess.

Train wreck on crack. Bananas in the dryer. Bucket in a crap storm.

I have decided it is time for me to clean up my act.

I have strayed so far from my meal plan for too long — eating intuitively erratically and when all is said and done:

 I have no business being solely responsible for feeding myself.

I end up sick   fat  insane.

I know what I need to do. I need to get back on my meal plan. My first step is going to be to log my food. For a while now I have abandoned doing so because, frankly, I hated looking at all the food I was consuming and also because I stopped measuring and weighing all the things I ate. (I did most of the time, but there was also a lot of “eyeballing”).

So, the food journal and the weighing and measuring need to make a come back. First things first. Baby steps. Then I’ll concentrate on meta-snacks and getting my dairy and carbs and fat and all of that rigamarole.  I have followed the no-sugar/no-flour thing so that has never been a problem, but I do notice I have been eating a bit too much processed food and diet drinks and I need to clean that up a bit too. (I imagine I will make a page regarding my actual meal plan given to me while in recovery soon).

I need to get back to SERFing — Spirituality  Exercise  Rest  Foodplan  — every single day.

The food party is officially over. Proper diet, exercise and rest. And Jesus.

Jesus can clean my heart. He is the ultimate cleanser.

I know this will restore my mind, my sense of well being. No more sad-hagging and elephant feelings.

**crossing fingers**

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