Losing My Way | Losing My Weigh | Losing “My Way”

Helloooooo.

Today I found myself typing an impromptu mental-word-purge-poetry-slam while writing to a friend. 
Emo happens.

It’s ED Awareness week so I figured I may share a bit of my personal struggles in the day to day. It’s not really my style, but WTF. It’s Wednesday.

While my weight as a number is not a large factor in my craziness, it does reflect body size to a certain extent. I am so uncomfortable in my skin right now because of weight gain that I burn .. with a desire to lose weight that is rivaling my desire to live fully alive.

I play with words and this is what happens:

Weight Gain IS SO HARD SO GREAT SO AWFUL SO NECESSARY SO IMPOSSIBLE SO PAINFUL SO PROUD SO SHAMEFUL SO HOPEFUL SO HOPELESS

Which. Weigh. Do. I. Go.

Life or Death?

Up or Down?

Which way?

Which way is which?

Which WEIGH?

Sigh.

The answer… I know…

is no weigh.

WEIGH? NO WAY.

Weigh IS NO way.

There is only ONE WAY.

One truth. One life.

His Way.

My way is no “way”.

MY WEIGH is no “way” at all.

Not MY way.. anyway.

Not MY WEIGH.

NOT MY CONCERN

My weigh is not my concern, not my business.

It’s His Concern.

Um… Awkward.

I promise that won’t happen again.

In lieu of closing comments – if you want to drop a line tell me what word play comes to mind when you consider the word “WEIGHT”

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Don’t You Wish Your Recovery Was …

Hey, hey, hey.

One of the prompts for NHBPM is “Write about something taboo.”

I thought about many things that may be considered taboo– but as far as ED  recovery communities I’ve been a part of …there’s not much off limits. As for me personally with friends? l’m willing to open the book and lay it on the table.

I’m not a fan of the whole “ED-PC” thing, though I am sensitive to it and censor myself as I can.

As always – I like to keep things light and humorous so please remember that as I broach a subject even I find taboo.

So what do I think is taboo?

I think pretty much everyone has a common though at least once or twice in recovery, but it sounds so silly it’s hard to say out loud.

I’m lucky enough to be in recovery rooms amongst people suffering from ALL forms of eating dis-order and food addiction. The whole spectrum: from restricting-only featherweights to obese binge eaters,  and ALL combinations and variations between. Many people experience the entire spectrum throughout their live. I relate to that.

At the end of the day – it’s the same demon. The same Hell.

So…I guess you can say a typical meeting may look a little something like this.

We all different.

Sometimes (not all) the physical implications of dis-ordered eating effect the body in such a way the recovery would naturally produce a shift in body weight either up or down the scales. Sometimes people maintain a weight when their behavior ceases.

We are ALL gaining health and sanity. Period.

Weight is part of some of our stories, however. Some people who are further along in recovery share their story during a meeting – weight loss is often a part of it. The pounds lost, the clothes getting looser…etc.

While I sat in meetings or read online-community forum posts I have, from time to time, half heartedly thought with a silly sigh,

“Recovery would be easier and more comfortable for me if staying abstinent from food meant losing weight rather than gaining.”

Not that I want to lose weight technically, just to not have to go through the painful nerve-ending mindscrew of weight gain. Again – it is a silly silly thought.

I’m not alone.

For some people – they think half-heartedly  “Heck – recovery would be much easier for me if food abstinence meant gaining weight…just eat more and exercise less and meanwhile not have to worry about the social implications of being overweight whilst doing it (thanks, society).”

I KNOW these are flawed notions in so many ways – I think we all know that. Recovery for us all means pain. We have to relinquish and surrender it ALL….the focus on food and controlling the shape or appearance of our bodies and weight.

That means withdrawal. BIG TIME.

Whether that means gaining OR losing -  you’re going to suffer when your food gets taken away from you.

 

Again- same demon, same hell. It’s silly that we imagine one version of it would be more comfortable to handle than another.

Even though most out-of-denial people know these fleeting thoughts are just silly…..I bet we’ve all though them for a millisecond.

Look….eating disorders are not about weight or food. They’re not NOT about weight or food either. Nobody that suffers has it easier or worse  than another. NO ONE.

We all know this. I know this. I want to reinforce that so as not to be misunderstood.

It’s just a little stupid thought.

Have you ever had it?

“Don’t you wish your recovery was “easy” like “theirs?”
LOL.

The grass is never greener…in hell.

There you have it. Two days in a row missed. You’re allowed two days off but I can tell you right now there will be MANY more where those came from. #gettingold.
Previous posts for NHBPM can be found here.

 

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Storytime: There’s No I in Try (but there should be)

Gather around boyfriends and girlfriends…settle down and grab a seat. Criss cross applesauce.Shhh….inside voices.

It’s time for a story. Today’s share?

Interpreted by Miss. Caterpillar

That would be me.

We have to learn a whole lot of stuff during our lives. Growing up, we had to master skills that now come naturally to us. Like walking and talking. And making cereal.

But even when we’re grown, life continues to require us to learn. Sometimes we learn things that aren’t good for us. Bad habits like spending too much, having a short temper, smoking or eating too much.

We find ourselves flat on our backs.

 

Sometimes we have to re-learn skills that should be natural to us but aren’t — like how to do life without a vice.

There are people to help us get on our feet, books to read and support meetings to attend, prayer to be done. But even God wants us to succeed on our own so we are stronger.

Ultimately we’re on our own.

Change takes a lot of practice. We find ourselves flat on our backs again.

And again.

Loved ones can encourage us, but they can’t do it for us. Even though we know better, we continue to do the things we don’t want to do. We’re clumsy.

But we’re not defeated. We try again. And again.

One day something’s going to click.

We’ll find the motivation we need – even if it means being scared shirtless. You go bankrupt, your marriage falls apart, your health deteriorates. Your motivation to change becomes stronger than the will to stay the same. 

Something will click, I have faith. Sooner or later…

We nail the landing. Score a perfect 10 and take home the Gold.

That victory will be worth all the time spent on our backs wondering how the heck we’re gonna get it right. Amen?

You can learn a lot from a beetle.

• What’s one change you’ve made that you’re proud of?
• Is there something in your life you are being clumsy about?

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Karma Chameleon

 

I can’t change.

I’m like a chameleon…

…always a lizard.

An uninvited visitor reminded me of this Tracy Jordan quote. Hilarious? Yes. Thought provoking? Maybe it’s just me, BUT…

I can’t outrun myself. I can change superficial things, but unless I change my insides I’ll still be that same old lizard. Trying to change behaviors without changing the feelings behind them is an exercise in futility.

On the flip side, I LOVE that I’ll never lose my inner-me.

No matter how I grow, where I go, how much I gain or lose, if I’m in a good mood or bad….I am at heart, a beautiful lizard caterpillar…just waiting to transform.

A butterfly is always a caterpillar at heart.

A caterpillar is always a butterfly waiting to happen.

   

I believe God created them to show us so much.

 PS: My mom and I were flipping out when that little dude showed up. Something about those ‘see-through’ ones gives us the jizzles.

Thankfully my brother rescued us the lizard.

No lizards were harmed during the writing of this post.

• Did you find that quote thought provoking? It’s not the only time 30 Rock has made me think. And laugh.

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Coping When You’re Low on Hoping

 

Sunday was a yucky day.

There was family drama.

Texting was involved.

Phone calls were involved.

(all before 9 am!)

There were clothes that didn’t fit right.

My everlasting food baby.

Lots of

“that-feeling-you-get-when-you-feel-fat-because-fat-is-not-a-feeling”  was involved.

Whatever. I felt fat.

I tried to find my inner Jessica, My Frick-Frackin Recovery Warrior Princess.

But sometimes….

…it’s hard.

I must learn how to cope with days like these.

Naturally, I decided to blog about it. Writing is how I express myself and learn, how I find the “beautiful” in the “struggle.”

And it makes me happy. Helps me cope.

I grabbed my camera (I love me my show-and-tell) and documented my day so I could see what works and what doesn’t.

I busied myself with cleaning, a short walk, and eating breakfast (that I did not want.) I tried to relax by watching my favorite Sunday morning show.

And reading blogs.

 

The texting continued.

The phone calls Continued.

Enough was enough.

I think it’s important in our recovery to put ourselves first sometimes.

I decided it was time to “shut it down”

 

I turned my phone off, got my secret ninja gear together (socks, heating pad, sweater)

—> Click here for demo <—

and took to my bed.

I believe napping has magical healing powers.

I woke up. I ate a lunch (that I was not hungry for) and decided to do something enjoyable and productive that got me out of my own head.

So I volunteered at my local homeless shelter

went to Whole Foods.

Where I picked up a stiff drink….

…and some necessities. I mean things I can’t live without

things I don’t want to live without.

I did some “window shopping.”

Why have I yet to see these on someone’s blog?

I know I’m not the only one who can entertain themselves  at Whole Foods. I’ve been known to make a date of it with friends.

Speaking of window shopping:

I’d love to be a person getting free groceries…but

(All together now) “If it sounds too good to be true…it’s probably multi-level marketing.”

Also in the parking lot,

I contemplated the high price of American urine. (sorry)

And acknowledged the fact I can never complain about the cost of gas again.

How much would this stuff cost by the gallon?

I’ll let you do the math. I suck at it.

Needless to say, my mind was occupied.

Then I headed to the gym.

Where I chilled out in the sauna.

Because when your this hot, you gotta go in the sauna to chill.

Just sayin’

 

Though even I have my limits.

I prepared to get my swim on and heard,

“Missy what were you taking pictures of in there?”

(I have a lots of friends at the gym)

Friends who think nothing of it when you explain

“I like to take ridiculous pictures and post them on the internet.”

 

Friends who smile when you tell them they will  become one of those ridiculous pictures.

Light-hearted conversations with random acquaintances = awesome. People who ask “How are you?” and are fine with “Partly cloudy, chance of rain.”

No need to bring up the extended forecast or the barometric pressure.

This combined with endorphins from exercise ALWAYS make me feel better.

I left the gym with a smile.

(Despite my food baby, family drama, tight pants.)

At home I knocked around a bit…teevee, drafting this post, reading, eating dinner (that I was not hungry for.)

I got my thoughts out in email form and hit send.

That was nice.

But still.

I felt like climbing the walls

or climbing out of my skin.

I wasn’t interested in doing anything. I wasn’t tired.

I decided to PUT MYSELF TO BED.

Like a child.

I Brushed my teeth,

Turned on my “happy-dream-noise-machine,”

 

  a pair of happy socks,

And “shut her down.”

Sometimes, the best way to cope is to be a parent to ourselves <—click here.

 

• Ever need to just separate yourself from other people’s drama an just “do you?”
• Have you found ways to cope for yucky days?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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