What’s Wrong with this Picture?

   

I am so ill. Not sure what kind of a bug I have, but it hit me hard Wednesday. Hard. Yet, I still have thoughts of exercise. There’s no way I can move today – and I know this, but I have autopilot. I think “maybe I will feel better if I went for a walk.”

Just putting on my sneakers to take Zoe for a stroll exhausted me. So much so, that I had to lie down and rest. (Hence the picture.)

Who am I kidding? What drives me to keep going when I simply cannot?

So, there I was. Laying in bed with my sneakers on. Insane.

It’s times like these the perversity of this disease just astounds me. I mean, seriously. What am I thinking? It’s like feeling like death-warmed-over becomes “natural” – the new “norm.” So you just keep going.

But you get nowhere.

So grateful to God for showing me this today and realizing more and more everyday that His way is easy. He gives rest. My way? Not so much.

Also? Thank goodness for Coconut water.

 

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Korean Sweet Potato Snacks

I’ve gotten a lot of little gifts this week.

Like Korean Sweet Potato Snacks…..Wait.

Sweet Potato FLAVORED Snack.

Not exactly my thing.

actually – these epitomize EXACTLY NOT my thing when it comes to food. 

A dear friend of mine from the gym, an older Korean gentleman, stopped by the office because he needed paperwork notarized. (I’m a notary). He came bearing gifts.

He’s a photographer and has given me butterfly photos before. (Does he know me or what?). This time he gave me a pretty blue fish.

And the aforementioned Sweet Potato Flavored Snack. We talk about cooking and food and I think he recalled my

 quest to create the perfect sweet potato fries.

Not there yet….parsnips chilling in the background with my “yo, muscat” dip. (yogurt, catsup, mustard, stevia, garam masala or whatevs)

So I guess he thought I’d dig these.

*Photo courtesy of NOT on my meal plan.*

I’m standing there…with this sweet, sweet man who was expectantly waiting for me to “Try them!”

Not long ago Usually I think NOTHING of saying, “I don’t eat that, but thank you. (No sugar, no flour…yadda yadda).” Been there, done that a MILLION times.

Whereas most people would find that rude. He bought me a gift!

That day something changed.

I did not read the ingredients (I could use my imagination) and just opened the bag,  took one out, and ate it. “Mmmm..Good. Thanks!” and put the bag aside. Done. Easy.

For me this was a huge deal.

FOR ONCE….MY WILL AND DESIRE TO BE NORMAL OUTMANEUVERED MY EATING DISORDER.

I can’t really put into words how amazing this felt.

If it were a cheeseburger, that would be another thing. But it was one freaking snack-like thing. I sucked it up.

*side note…two days later (after I told him how my co-workers (my mom and my bro) sucked down the snacks he stopped by again with two more bags.)

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Riddle Me This

Riddle me this….

If you have a Bee in your Hand…..

What do you have in your Eye?

The answer, Beloved, is Beauty!

Beauty is in the EYE of the BEE-Holder

Cute, huh? I have always loved this riddle.

It is well-appreciated that beauty is in the eye of the beholder…to each his own…etc. Love it.

But the ABILITY TO BEHOLD BEAUTY is in the HEART and SOUL.

In order to behold beauty, we must be whole and healthy inside. When we have a fractured sense of self, we look at the world through fractured lenses. When we begin to heal, we are able to see more beauty in the world.

The more beauty we see in the world, the less scary it seems.

With each step toward recovery we enable ourselves to find more beauty in this world; this life.

We find beauty, even in the struggle.

On a side note…

No bees were harmed during the making of this blog.

This little lady?

She’s one of those thing-ums I stick in my crocs.

And yes, I have crocs. Don’t judge. (0:

Another side note….My name, Melissa, means Honeybee.

So I gotta thing about bees. (And butterflies. And Caterpillars. And Ladybugs. And strawberries. And sparkly things…and rainbows and…)

 

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Lost and Found

Gaining Weight.

Really? Who wants to do it?

(Besides bodybuilders and skinny guys maybe)

The fact that I must gain weight in order to recover is difficult for me to face.

Very difficult.

Sure –there are positive mental spins available with the term “gaining.” After all, with recovery you have everything to gain!

But still…

One day a random phrase popped into my head…it sits with me quite well.

FINDING WEIGHT.

After all, I am only finding what I have lost.

Not only weight, but MYSELF. MY LIFE.

My ability to take up space in this world and LIVE.

I once was lost but now am found.

Finding weight.

I think I like the idea.

 

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Revival Weekend

I am overwhelmed with the comments left on my last post. The impact we can have on one another without ever having met amazes me. Blogging has proved this to me. I have been given support and found so much inspiration by reading the blogs of beautiful, healthy women. Women who have often fought the same battle and won. Women who may still struggle but can share their triumphs and challenges. 

And so many have what I want.

Health. I am CRAVING it. I am hungry for it. I am ready for it.

I realize I have bottomed out– run myself into the ground by not nourishing myself spiritually, emotionally, intellectually or physically.

The first to go was my emotional and spiritual well-being. Leaving me feeling ho-hum, un-groovy and finally un-glued.

Then my mind went monkey-wild….negative and irrational thoughts, going willy-nilly whenever it chose. My ability to focus was non-existent.

Finally, my body gave in. I feel all kinds of wonky. I am exhausted and achy and sick.

I need to take care of myself. Sound body, sound mind.

A sound mind in a sound body is a short but full description of a happy state in this world.

John Locke

 

I left work early yesterday feeling sick and called today, which I have spent mostly sleeping. Sleeping and formulating my plan.

I am on a mission. This weekend will be entirely committed to restoring myself back to … ME again.

RESTORE, REVIVE, REVITALIZE.

I’ll be “SERFING” everyday….making sure to get a balance of Spirituality, Exercise, Rest, and proper Food.

I’ll be doing what I WANT to do, rather than what I HAVE to do. If the floors don’t get mopped, so be it.

In short — I am going to chill the funk out and take it easy. Or try, at least.

Hopefully, by Monday I will feel REFRESHED, RENEWED, and RECHARGED.

Because I need my energy and strength for recovery.

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Slip Sliding Away

So…

I have gone from feeling decidedly ungroovy to entirely unglued.

The tightrope of recovery I’ve been walking has become a slippery slope.

I’ve lost my balance. I’ve slipped. I feel the gravity of my disease pull me down.

I’ve been going to 12 step meetings…but I have not entirely engaged in the process. I know there is a lot of wisdom and valuable truths in the 12-step process. It’s just so … regimented. Let’s just say I can’t see myself collecting Bingo chips, celebrating “birthdays,” and running around quoting the blue book. I prefer to quote the bible. This sounds negative, but my mind is still wide open. I just feel like you can benefit from it without being a card-carrying member.

The first step is admitting that you are powerless over your disease and that your life has become unmanageable. I initially thought, “Of course I am. I completely agree. ” Then, I realized I actually have a big problem accepting that. Powerless?  I am a child of God…this is only a weakness. Can’t I just, with God’s grace, snap out of it? Straighten up and act right?

But I waffle…because I always doubt myself. Is it me who doesn’t want to accept powerlessness or my disease?

Anyway…this is not a fun post to write because I am not in a good state right now. My life feels completely crazy to me, and I feel like I can’t help myself. Like I am….there’s that word again… Powerless.

And if I am, that is an UGLY, SCARY truth that I am going to have to face.

Fact of the matter is, I have not made a lot of progress. If I continue to believe that I can fight this…that I have some power inside me then I need to prove it to myself. Quickly.

Because I just can’t deal with this anymore. Enough is Enough.

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Rooftop Farms & Food Deserts & CSAs…Oh my!

Every Sunday I watch “Sunday Morning” on CBS.  Oh, how I love that show. It’s my hour-and-a- half long  ”moment of zen.”      

Last weekend I was SUPER pleased!  They featured some issues near and dear to my heart. I LOVE to see things I am passionate about get public attention (you should have seen me when I first heard about Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution).     

In their story  “Field of Greens: The Growth in Farmers Markets“  CBS touched on the following:  

Commercial Rooftop Farming in urban areas.  Think about it….the rooftops are just sitting there. Why not put them to good use?    

Commercial Rooftop Farm in Brooklyn

 

   Not only a sustainable way to encourage eating and buying locally (good for us and the environment), it’s a viable solution to the troubling phenomena  of Urban Food Deserts.   

What do you eat when you can't get to the store?

 

 What’s a food desert? Here’s the scenario: You live in an urban area. The nearest grocery store is miles away. You don’t own a car. You must rely on local convenience marts and a vast array of fast-food joints (who $BANK$ in those areas).  Healthy options are …”what’s that?” Small markets don’t have the buying power or incentive to stock healthy produce or real food.   

Slim Pickins

 

  If they do have produce, the variety and quality are poor and it is often outrageously expensive. Think about those $0.75 bananas they sell at the 7-11 … I’ll take mine for $0.39 a lb, thank-you! Anyways, these people suffer the consequences — becoming sick, often obese, and nutritionally starved.     

America needs change, and I’m happy Farmer’s Markets are benefiting from the recent growth in demand for locally grown, fresh food.    

Get to know your Farmers!

 

   

  There was even mention of CSA boxes, Community Supported Agriculture. (Oh, boy. Don’t get me started.) Love. Basically, you sign up with a local farm and receive weekly or monthly boxes of whatever’s fresh. This encourages healthy and seasonal eating at home, is sustainable and environmentally friendly, and supports local farms. Win-Win-Win.   

Box full of goodies, delivered Fresh!

 

AND THEN! Wait for it … they gave a shout out to THE woman…the one and only Mrs. Obama…or as I like to call her MICHELLE O-BOMBA-DOT-COMMA!!  Sigh. Love.   

Ah...her mission? Promoting farms, healthy eating and exercise. I think I see a halo.

   

I think I’d have these beliefs and passions (in terms of food) if I never had an eating disorder, but I know my eating disorder has led me to educate myself and develop these passions, interests, and appreciation for real food, healthful eating, farming and fixing the American Diet.  That feels really good — maybe someday MY MESS MIGHT BECOME MY MESSAGE.   

  

    

Check out for more info: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/08/29/sunday/main6816240.shtml?tag=contentBody;featuredPost-PE

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Words to Live By

I was working hard at the office *ahem* Okay, I was at work  but found time to squeeze in a random art project.

 On a whim, I re-purposed a set of  magnets by adorning them with some choice words. (I LOVE words–but I don’t like the word logophile). 

 

These words mean so much to me. I try to keep them in mind as much as possible.

I collect magnets, by the way. I’ll have to show them off sometime.

  

• Faith– Again and again God tells us in his Word to have faith. We repeatedly see that it was “by faith” and “through faith” that miracles happen, progress is made. Healing is accomplished. I don’t believe ”nothing is impossible if you have faith”….but I firmly believe that EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU HAVE FAITH.

 

• Love – I believe LOVE is the most spiritual practice of all. Unmitigated, unconditional LOVE for EVERYTHING.  “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” 1 Cor 13:13.

  

• Peace – Less to do with politics and more about being gentle and serene with yourself and others. BEING AT PEACE and ENJOYING MOMENTS.  I am not a fan of loud conversations, brash words, and craziness. There is WAY too much of that going on in my head. So, I try to keep the ideal of peace in mind. Especially when it comes to being at peace with myself.

 

• Be Kind - Be gentle and good and loving to yourself, other people- to all living things.  Especially ourselves. I am so tired of beating myself up!  Be Nice, people! Haters suck.

 

• Enjoy Yourself – You can actually be pretty cool to spend time with! Rock your YOU-NIQUE-NICITY. (Check out the word I just created. Yay!)

 

• Serenity - Read the serenity prayer. It says it all.

 

• Freedom - I want so much to be free! Free of this disease, this negativity, this self-imposed misery. Recovery represents FREEDOM to me. When I constantly hold on to the thought of freedom, my shackles become more painfully obvious and harder to bear — which is a good thing. I have spent so much of my life in bondage to this disease, I have grown quite accustomed to living that way. But I AM MORE THAN THAT!

 

• “Keep Calm, Carry on” — I say this to myself ALL THE TIME. Another thing I say is “It Happens, Keep Moving!” These little nuggets help me get past the “toast landing on floor peanut-butter side down” moments (0:” Try it!  

• Simple - Simplicity is an art form. A talent. A skill. Practice makes better.  I tend to complicate and over think EVERYTHING when really? Less is more. (I really have to work  at this! Work in progress.)

 

• Presence – I so often seek escape. From myself, my feelings, my situations. Enter Eating Disorder stage left. I try to remember to stay present and focused. Simple, but not easy. I sometimes have to mentally talk myself through moments to get out of my head. “I am walking to the car, I am putting the key in the door, I am opening the door”…..It’s good practice.

What words do you carry close to your heart?

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Lemon Yellow, Sky Blue…Little Box of Goodness

 

Guess what I got???

Yup– a FRESH BOX of Crayolas. Ah, the joy. The crisp, unmarked wrappers. The perfect pointy tips. And the smell!

A box of crayons is magical – opening one is like opening a box of possibility!

So often we are guilty of thinking in

Black or White.

We are told we must learn to think in shades of gray. And that’s Okay.

I guess.

I think we ought to leave the droopy colors at home and instead choose to….

Life is like a blank coloring book. It gives us the hard, black and white outlines, but it is OUR CHOICE how we choose to color it in.

What colors will your day be today?

Will you stay inside the lines OR NOT?

 

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We Can Learn a lot from a Kite

Flying Free, Fully Reliant on God

I was at the beach when some neighboring beach-dwellers whipped out a kite; the sight added to my zen-like state of bliss.  (I love the beach).

Had a few thoughts while witnessing this little happy occasion.

Wanna here em’? Here they go….

Gazing at the kite as it did its flying/floating dance against the blue sky….with no will of its own, yet completely free….fully subject to the ebbs and flows of wind and gravity, yet completely at ease…….

 

 

I realized what it might be like to “Let Go and Let God.“  The kite is a powerful image of Faith, and turning your will over to the to care of our Loving God. 

Because God will be there, our Shepard; an invisible string connecting us to something safe. He may not be able to control our direction 100% of the time…because we live in a world where the wind blows and the rain must fall.

 

BUT HE WON’T LET YOU GO. YOU ARE HIS.

 

And just like we find pleasure in flying Kites, he takes pleasure in connecting with us, his children!

 

 

 

PLUS….Kites are super adorable!

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