Moment of Zen: You Can Find Joy in the Scale

Twas the night before Christmas and what did I see?

The first commercial signaling the New Year to be.

I let out a giggle and then I just sighed.

Lets tighten our belts and enjoy the ride!

On Diets, On Treadmills, On Low-Carb, and Cheat Days

On Fat-Free, on South Beach, On Alli and the latest craze!

Although I didn’t actually write that until just now. I actually have no idea where that came from. It just came out.

On Christmas Eve I just giggled and sighed and thought “It’s On.”

I saw the first of what I knew would be an onslaught of diet and fitness marketing that occurs every year.

I was amused because I imagined a lot of people would take issue with a theme of the commercial. I haven’t heard a peep though.

I FINALLY found the spot online to share with you:

You can find joy in the scale.

My thoughts?

I’m not getting my ED panties all up in a wedge over this. Not at all.

(I actually have this magnet on my fridge)

 

The fact is people CAN gain joy, freedom, and confidence as part of their weight loss journey. The fact is we DO have an obesity epidemic in this country and a national norm of compulsive eating.

 

Weight loss does not guarantee perfect health or happiness, it is not an answer to depression or insecurity. This commercial doesn’t promise that.

And some people? Well, we get sick and develop eating disorders. Maybe we start to believe the ONLY way to get joy is from the scale. Maybe it started as a diet. Maybe not.

But we don’t “catch” eating disorders from Special K commercials.

I give props to Special K for marketing weight loss using an appeal OTHER than aesthetics, swimsuits and skinny jeans.

Special K gets WAY under my skin with their commercials, so I’m actually surprised I’m Ok with this one. I mean…their models never EVER need to lose much weight. Or any.

I wish they had obese people jumping up and down in the commercial above, but obese people (apparently) only belong on reality TV. I guess. Whatever. It’s Fine.

It’s a normal-people world and we’re just living in it.

Does it send a WRONG message? Depends how you look at it.

Does it send a POSITIVE message? I think so, no matter how you look at it.

 

That is all.

Please weigh in. <—Pun Intended and Enjoyed Thoroughly.

PS-

I have not seen this particular commercial again but I have seen other spots from the campaign. These other spots kind of elaborate more on the theme of the campaign and I think they do much more in promoting a culture that embraces weight loss for it’s emotional and health benefits rather than the perfect number and size. They use a women on the street approach with more dialogue that shows our anxiety over a number and then surprises us.

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I Had a Dream

I was thinking about MLK Jr today and suddenly found myself scrambling to dig out the notebook I kept during treatment.

I was reminded that I, too, had a dream:

I am saddened to recognize the lack of progress I’ve made in reaching this vision of recovery.

I am saddened that I have spent the past months watching as my hopes dimmed into a hopelessness. 

Yet, I am grateful. Today I remembered that I had a dream.
The reality is, it’s still my dream.

As I read over my journal entry, I suddenly recalled that yesterday the poem “Harlem” by Langston Hughes ran through my head. (I was vacuuming my closet if you want to how random this was. #IgetitGod.)

What happens to a dream deferred?

Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

My deferred dream, my hopes have sagged into the heavy hopelessness that’s been weighing me down.

I want my hopes and dreams to EXPLODE with renewed fervor. I want to be on FIRE again.
Maybe deferred dreams can turn into an explosive, passionate drive.

It could go either way. I think it’s up to me.

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State of Stagnation

My blog’s been stagnant.

 

stag·nant/ˈstagnənt/

Adjective:

1. Having no current or flow and often having an unpleasant smell as a consequence. (<—- That’s probably from all the kimchi and onions I eat)
2. Showing no activity; dull and sluggish:
3. characterized by lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement

My blog is a reflection of my life.

Do the math. If A=B and B=C……..

My life = STINKING STAGNANT. Yup.

Unfortunately, the adage “still waters run deep” does not apply.

I’m simply. just. inert.

And it’s getting all mentallydetrimentally up in here.

 

Seriously.

I’m taking pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror again.

Enough said.

So.  Now what?

In High School Physics I learned the Law of Inertia.

Things at rest tend to stay at rest; things in motion tend to stay in motion.

So I declare today (01.12.12) my day of gaining MOMENTUM. No matter what it takes, I have to get my *assterisk* in grooving gear.

“Outside Force” myself into motion.

Do stuff. Get stuff done. Write more. Blog More. Venture out. Explore more. Cook more. More Challenges. More variety. More motion.

And LESS stagnation.

• Any tips, suggestions, questions and double-dog dares would be much appreciated because I have no idea where to start.
• Because of today’s date, this Beastie song has been in my head:

I do a TIGHT Karaoke to this song.

 

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All the World’s a Stage

Earlier this week I read this post by Sophia. As always, her thought-provoking writing stirred a response in me. I spontaneously wrote a comment which I have been thinking about ever since and I want to remember it. Here it go:

 

What kind of recovery stage do I think I am in right now?

Ouch. Tough one. A bunch of answers come to mind immediately:

Gathering Courage stage, going backward stage, wtf stage, letting god work stage, realizing I can’t only He can stage….
who am I? stage…

But you know what?

I’m not even on “the stage of recovery” right now. I can’t lie.

I am in the dressing room…waiting for The Director to say “places, please.” God is behind the scenes doing all sorts of set work and prop building and casting, though. I know that.

I’m memorizing my lines (Finding myself in Him and His Word) and getting into Character. I am in wardrobe (casting off old robes and putting on his new robes) and building the Confidence I need to make my debut when the curtain comes up again.

The first time? I wrote the script myself and the play bombed. I got some good practice, some good exposure and some street cred. But guess what? I landed a part in a big-time, for real deal production. One with a long history of results, and the most POWERFUL playwright and producer of all time.

 

• What stage are you on (in life, in recovery, in spiritual growth…etc.

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Perspective

That wall you keep hitting?

 

You know. The one that lands you flat on your razzmattazz?

It may be the door.

Question is: Are you BOLD enough to find the doorknob?

Do you TRUST enough?

Do you have FAITH enough?

I believe if we can muster up the trust and the faith….the strength and the courage WILL come.

And freedom is ours.

• Thank you so much for your words of encouragement left after my last post and as always. From the bottom of my heart. Love!!! Pure love.
• More importantly…do you have “a wall” that you are quite familiar with? One that you hit time and time again? What if it was a door? I know. Still scary.

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WTF Wednesday – Overshare Edition

Life hands us stuff: lemons, blessings, unfortunately located piles of dog poo, rainbows….etc. Not all of it is tasteful, but our job is to make do.

And sometimes that means thinking WTF and moving on.

WTF as in: WHATEVER. TOTALLY FINE.

Life’s been handing me WAY too much reality than I care for this week. I need to unload.

This WTF Wednesday is a bit of an overshare.

I prefer my reality with a side of glitter and more cowbell, but all I’ve got is bare-skinned truth served up raw. Reader beware.

Before I begin, here’s a rainbow. See it?  I feel more balanced already.

My flu-like symptoms and I went to the Doctor yesterday. Guess what guys? I have anorexia. Who’d have thought?

In other words, he took one look at me and told me my body was malnourished despite what my bloodwork might indicate.

I have the BEST Dr. in the world. He knows my history, my diagnosis…he knows that I know. He knows my entire family actually. He grasps my hands in his, gives the best hugs and tells me he loves me (all of which make me cry like a baby). He told me it hurt him to watch me destroy my life when I was capable of such happiness.

The thing is, I thought I had the flu. But no. I do this to myself, evidently.

“You’ll be lucky if you reach the age of forty,”  he said.

 “Your brother died of a heart attack on the soccer field. You will die alone in your bed in the middle of the night.”

 

There is absolutely nothing Totally Fine about that.

I left with a prescription for Prilosec and Glucerna. I told him the Glucerna wasn’t going to happen but I’d think about it and try to make my own version.

My unwillingness really bothered me. I kept asking myself “Why Not?” and I didn’t like the sound of my answers.

So I got these:

 

Question is will I drink them? If not – WHY not?

It’s just a 160 calorie, dairy-free protein shake. That’s it!

Someone needs some WTF lessons.

        

Just drink the dang drink. Whatever. It’s totally fine.

Continuing on in my atypical Tuesday…..

I went back to a support group that I have not attended in many months. It was wonderful. It was another 1.5 hours of being acutely aware that I have a major problem.

Let me be clear: I know I have a problem and I think about it everyday. I just mix it with a hefty dose of sparkles and rainbows. I have a pre-programmed auto-escape.

Oh and Friday?

Friday will mark two years gone by since my brother died.

Two more years of taking up space he’d be filling with so much more.

 

There is absolutely nothing Totally Fine about that.

I’ve been anticipating this date for months. I knew this week would be rough but….wow.

Now, if you don’t mind I’m gonna finish up work, go to church and then come home and crawl into this:

Yup. I’m 33 and I built a fort. Whatever. Totally Fine.

Don’t be jealous. I’d let you in.

   

 

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A Typical Tuesday Turned Atypical

I am a slave to routine – my “program” if you will.

I long for freedom. I need so desperately to de-program.

Yesterday, the heroic Hedda inspired me to skip my usual afternoon swim (which I’ve NOT been feeling of late…Cold water? Wet? Ugh.) and to just take a walk! So I did. I went to the gym, read in the sauna and then walked out. Got home and took a walk with my head in the clouds.

Refreshing.

I have not swam since Friday and today I was feeling the “pressure” to swim. Why? Well, because that is what I do.

That is what I am programmed to do.

Instead? I went straight home. Took a quick breather and went for a 20 minute walk to get my endorphins in.

I got to see this:

Instead of this:

Another thing? I ate something before dinner. Just because. That is not typical.

I have to share though, because… really?

Who eats sticks and twigs?

 

I had to giggle because they really do look like…sticks. And twigs.

Atypical.

And delicious.

Anyway –I am proclaiming Tuesdays to be ATYPICAL TUESDAYS from here on out.

I don’t want to be a slave.

• Gotta routine? Feel like a slave to the grind? What’s one thing you might-could do to color outside the lines? Wanna do it next Tuesday?

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Soda SNAFU

I was in the mood for a soda.

I’ve been avoiding it for a while, though by no means have I cut it out entirely like last time. Today I had a headache and I felt weak. So, naturally, I figured a soda was the panacea for my woes. (Couldn’t possibly be my eating disorder, right? Sigh.)

I walked across the street to the Walgreens, grabbed a soda and a bottle of Tylenol – both of which I opened and consumed during the checkout process.

I will admit, I DO have a habit of double checking the bottle to insure I grabbed the Diet — (especially when it comes to Fresca which does not have the Diet label).

However, not until I walked outside did I realize I grabbed (and consumed several sips of):

Dun, Dun, Dun.

20 calories of High Fructose Corn Syrup and chemicals.

It should be noted I did not:

a) Immediately throw the bottle away and obsess about this “transgression.”

or

b) Worry about it much at all.

I finished the bottle. I don’t know why. I don’t care why. It wasn’t a challenge or a fear I conquered.

It just….was.

It was a freaking soda. That’s it. Ends there.

My lack of reaction was foreign to me. Yes, I am still thinking about it – but more in wonderment than pride.

• If you’ve ever been caught up in the pursuit of “clean eating” or health…has anything similar ever happen to you?

Ps- It should be noted I still think HFCS is a very. bad. thing. But HFCS happens. Could be worse.

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Roller Coaster of Recovery

This graph captures my experience with recovery. Take a look.

When I first started this journey, I was filled with optimism and excitement. The changes I made were incredibly rewarding. It was a natural high.

Then I reach the point where I have to INVEST EVERYTHING in recovery and let go of my eating disorder ENTIRELY.

Enter FEAR.  You have to take a risk.

—-> I wrote about it here <—

FEAR has gotten the best of me once again.

I started denying my problems or ignoring them. I’m trying to negotiate my recovery.  Do it my way. #howsthatworkingoutforyou?

I’ve continued down the slope of disease.  And I do mean down. I’m no longer IN DENIAL, I’m living WITH DENIAL. That means being gruesomely aware each time I act in my disease. It obliterates my self-esteem. Yet, I can’t seem to stop.

I’m terrified. I’ve never experienced a trough so low. The gravity of my situation is new to me as my behaviors have progressed in ways I’ve never fathomed. 

I’ve been in a state of PANIC for some time.

Panic is TIRING. I’ve bottomed out.

Though I’m in tremendous pain, I have so much gratitude.  My hope is still alive and I have FAITH. Actually, that’s ALL I have.

I can barely recognize myself. I am an empty shell.

When we are left with nothing – we have nothing left to lose.

 

Recovery is NOT pretty. I guess I thought I’d wake up one day and be “normal.”

Oh, and I suppose I blocked out the whole “weight-gain” thing. Who cares about weight? It turns out I do. I’ve gained a great deal of weight and it is no less than torture. #ED = EVIL.

   

Recovery can be UGLY at times. It’s no magic carpet ride. It’s gruesome and painful and I suppose I’m just realizing that now.

Recovery is NOT pretty. It’s a rollercoaster in a messed-up, demonic amusement park. I don’t remember paying for admission, but I’m here now. Desperate to get back up and find the EXIT.

I’m not sure I’ll be writing about recovery for a while. Rest assured my heart is in a good place. I’m not looking for advice. I will not be entering a treatment facility at this time for several reasons both rational and imagined. Please refrain from leaving comments suggesting I do. I have engaged a therapist.

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Sometimes You Gotta Say “Pluck it”

Habits. Vices. I’ve picked up a few.

Somewhere along the line they became addictions.

Today they are my afflictions.

God’s pressing me to clean up my act.

For real this time. And I want to. But.

I try and compromise. I create excuses like “I’ll try not to do such and such” or “I’ll cut down on this or that.” I end up on my knees. Again. Praying for help from a God who can’t reach me when I seek comfort from my vices rather than him.

You know what Bible verse God hit me with? You’ll like this. He’s a joker.

Matthew 18: 8-9

God says if your eye causes you trouble, pluck it out and get rid of it.

And as the living word continued it’s life in my brain I was left with this:

Sometimes you gotta say “Pluck it.”

Pluck out your eyeball. Pretty extreme huh? We HAVE to be. We have to suck it up. Yes, it’s scary and takes courage. “How will I live without my eye?”

But the bible tells us we’ll be better off – even if we feel like we’re maiming ourselves.

I’m hearing God tell us extreme measures are necessary. We must distance ourselves from whatever is screwing us up.

That means no compromise. No temptation.

Sometime we gotta say…

”Pluck it. I’m DONE.”

Throw the cigarettes away, get the trigger food out of the house, ban yourself from the gym, cut your credit card in half, defriend the person on facebook, end the relationship…etc.

We cannot waver.

What’s holding you down or tripping you up?

Stare it down and say:

 

That thing you do that you don’t want to do?

I’m gonna start tomorrow. Who’s with me?

What’s on your “‘pluck it” list?

“Pluck-it” list…bucket list…see what I did there? 

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