After the long weekend [in which she re-commits herself to a meal plan and recovery] I am SO amazed at how much better I feel so soon. I feel my inner butterfly again. I feel hopeful and so much more comfortable in my own skin. Thank-you Jesus!
I am still doing my caterpillar crawl …. which is faster than a snail’s pace or a sloth … and so I’m content with that.
I wrote down all of my food, though I can say I need to step it up a notch in terms of eating. But it’s all good, I got my swagger… “I got this!”
I cannot blog over the weekends since my computer died (also referred to as the day the earth stood still). I did start a new journal. It’s my full-frontal, no-holds barred journal and, let me tell you this thing is UG-GA-LEE.
Why? Because I just let out all the crazies in my mind. Radio KFKD (K-F*cked), as Anne Lamott so brilliantly describes. (google it because I do not know how to incorporate links)
So it goes a little something like this *blushing*
me, me, me, I am fat, my pants feel like this, it is 2:45,today at the gym, I ate this, I cannot eat this, blah blah scales, blah blah weight, me, me, me, fat, fat, fat, food, food, food, weight, I want to be comfortable in my own skin….
You get the picture. Pathetic. But it is SO incredibly helpful. Because:
Reason 1.) It is like purging on paper. I can’t really share or verbalize this stuff with anyone else because it’s insane and boring and not really recoverically-correct* — but it feels good to just put it out there.
The thoughts/feelings are gonna be there – I cannot deny them, I can only choose how I respond to them. And with recovery they will get quiter and littler and widdler and probably sound more and more stupider (which is not a word but so fun to say).
Reason 2. )When I read it – it is like I can SEE the INSANITY rather than BE the INSANITY**. I can see the ED voice and face it and – most importantly – recognize it as separate from ME***.
So, If anyone is reading this I suggest you try it. Let your Freak-Flag Fly no matter how pathetic it looks on paper and DONT rip out the pages!
*I coined the term — and by the way I FEEL THE FAT THAT IS NOT A FEELING thank you. I just wont say it out loud.
** Hmm…That just came out of me but it sounds like a self-help mantra. Missy likes it!
***mental note — next step: figure out who ME is.