Moment of Zen: My Flaws are Flawless?

I’m an advertising and marketing lover. Yup. I watch TV commercials for sport – it’s the only reason I watch the Super Bowl.

Fruit of the Loom’s recent commercial is just one example of my habit.

I watch. I ponder. I analyze.

Have you seen this one?

On the surface, it seems this commercial is selling positive body image. Nothing wrong with that, right?

BUT why does the commercial “work”?

It “works” because the women featured are – well, they stand out. They aren’t what we’re accustomed to seeing. Because they are… flawed in society’s eyes? I guess? How sad.

Can you imagine the campaign pitch? “A large curvy women enters and proclaims…”

I feel the commercial subliminally perpetuates that “body flaws” exist. It acknowledges, in a way, that there is an ideal body.

The underlying message of defiance— in my mind–implies guilt. That’s not healthy.

Why not use “plus size models” and just sell underwear full stop? Why call attention to their flaws or lack thereof?

Besides…at the end of the day? Those women are flawless.

Would the commercial “work” if we saw women like this declaring their flawless factor?

I don’t think that would sell much underwear.

• Any thoughts?

 

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Check Me Out!

 

My focus of late is  taking care of myself – a rather foreign concept for me.  I have much to learn.  I started “checking in” with myself throughout the day.  I ask myself how I’m feeling, what I feel like doing, what my body needs, etc…and I try to nurture and provide for myself based on my answers.

This is groundbreaking stuff for me.

When it comes to self-help and spiritual development literature I have “read-heard-lather-rinse-repeat-been-there-and-bought-the-t-shirt.”  Yet, I have never been able to actually implement it.

Take deep Breaths…Drink Green Tea…yadda, yadda. Yeah, I totally agree. Makes sense. But somehow I never get around to it….probably because I am too busy freaking out and thinking ED thoughts. (0:

Now here I am *finger quotes* Checking In with Myself.

And it rocks my socks.

It’s no picnic in paradise, mind you. But it is awesome nonetheless.

Suddenly, I am getting to know myself, explore myself.

It’s like I’m spinning into my cocoon, where I have to figure out who I am and what I’m made of before I’m able to see what I can become.

(I have a deep belief about butterflies–you can read about it here)

It’s very uncomfortable at times. I have to face some ugly thinks. Ugly feelies.

I might check in and find myself incredibly lonely or anxious and impatient or feeling fat. And I don’t know why. But now, I can begin sorting all that out and trying to make myself feel better –  rather than spinning out of control and acting out the crazies.

I feel like I can corral a little of the insanity.

Like “Checking Myself In,” you know what I mean?

Then at times, it is quite pleasant. I realize I feel good. Alive. Hopeful. Like Dancing. Relaxed. interested. I feel ridiculous quite often.  At these times I am very pleased. I might have glossed over this finery before. That’s when:

“Checking In With Myself” feels like

“Checking Myself Out” (0:

 

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It Ain’t Burger King, Baby

You can’t always have it your way.

Last night this phrase randomly popped into my head. I don’t know what I was thinking or doing (besides listening to my incessant inner monologue…Radio KFCD* and maybe washing my hands because I was in the bathroom.)

Suddenly I eye myself in the mirror and think “This ain’t Burger King, baby. You can’t have it your way.” Huh?  Then it hit me. 

It also made me smile.  I always feel these moments are insights from God -  and if this was God speaking,** he sounded like a large black woman who meant bid-ness, ya heard? Like Tracy Morgan doing a Madea impersonation.

(Or maybe God impersonating Tracey Morgan doing Madea.)

But all levity aside….it was a really heavy moment.

In recovery we were asked about our willingness to let go of “MY WAY.” Let go…and Trust God.  Let Go..and Trust the Dietician. Let go of believing all the twisted thoughts, feelings and beliefs our eating disorder tells us are real.

At the time,  I was all “Of course I am! MY WAY is what got me here in the first place!”

Which is still true. BUT…..the mind is a curious monkey.

The concept of “letting go” is difficult to grasp when you don’t really know what you’re still grasping; if you can’t recognize you are still Holding On – let alone what you are Holding On TO.

 ”It Ain’t Burger King, Baby! You Can’t Have It Your Way, Child”

Last night, I realized letting go of  “IF-I-HAD-THINGS-MY-WAY” isn’t anything more than a reality check. I just can’t have it my way. That’s it.

Especially not when Anorexia is still a back-seat driver. She’s not exactly holding the map to the real world.

I won’t stand around trying to compromise the sky out of being blue!

Today I was thinking “…excess flesh on arms due to lack of swimming and more fat consumption…yarkety snarkety…” and was able to:

Stop. Sigh. And say “It Ain’t Burger King, Baby.”

Seriously. They’re arms. With Skin. They’re Fine. Move On.

* Thank You Anne Lamott

** I never hear an audible voice of God by the way, He sounds like my thoughts. When I think of words sometimes, the thoughts have sounds. It’s normal. I think. Like when you remember something your friend said– you can “hear” it? Or think of a celebrity catchphrase- You can’t think “whachooo talkin bout willis” without…you know. “Hearing” it.

 ANYWAY….

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Cleaning Up My Act

Okay, so yesterday I was a big hot mess flaming hot mess.

Train wreck on crack. Bananas in the dryer. Bucket in a crap storm.

I have decided it is time for me to clean up my act.

I have strayed so far from my meal plan for too long — eating intuitively erratically and when all is said and done:

 I have no business being solely responsible for feeding myself.

I end up sick   fat  insane.

I know what I need to do. I need to get back on my meal plan. My first step is going to be to log my food. For a while now I have abandoned doing so because, frankly, I hated looking at all the food I was consuming and also because I stopped measuring and weighing all the things I ate. (I did most of the time, but there was also a lot of “eyeballing”).

So, the food journal and the weighing and measuring need to make a come back. First things first. Baby steps. Then I’ll concentrate on meta-snacks and getting my dairy and carbs and fat and all of that rigamarole.  I have followed the no-sugar/no-flour thing so that has never been a problem, but I do notice I have been eating a bit too much processed food and diet drinks and I need to clean that up a bit too. (I imagine I will make a page regarding my actual meal plan given to me while in recovery soon).

I need to get back to SERFing — Spirituality  Exercise  Rest  Foodplan  — every single day.

The food party is officially over. Proper diet, exercise and rest. And Jesus.

Jesus can clean my heart. He is the ultimate cleanser.

I know this will restore my mind, my sense of well being. No more sad-hagging and elephant feelings.

**crossing fingers**

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Vicious Cycle of Stupid

Ever been to a zoo or circus and seen an elephant with a chain around it‘s ankle? And the poor thing  just continually rocks back and forth, back and forth, not going anywhere because he is tethered to the chain?

If an elephant never forgets he must be thinking, with each step, “this time will be different” but then…nope. Still stuck.

                I AM that elephant.

Thanks to Einstein we all know that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. Insane? Sure. Stupid? ABSOLUTELY.

I am stuck in a vicious cycle of stupid.

For a while now, I have woken up feeling miserable and vowed that “today will be different,” only to proceed to do the very things which make me feel miserable.

Today I am just miserable. And fat. Elephantine.

And it’s not okay. I am terrified. My body feels so foreign to me. The fat is suffocating.

I am done.

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Skinny Chicks Have Feelings Too

I was Miss. “Gung-Ho Recovery” yesterday as I made my way to the gym — I swam my laps and stopped when I wanted to, because I exercise on my own terms (take that anorexia– Boo-Yeah).

And then.

As I was headed out, (still in my bathing suit) I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a few weeks and after exchanging  pleasantries he goes…..”You look like you’ve put on a little weight!” 

*#!!**~##!!** 

Okay, this guy KNOWS my issues, too. I gave him a little look and just walked away sort of laughing cause I just COULD NOT DEAL and waved goodbye to him as he calls out “wait….wait…that’s a good thing…right?”*

This is not the first time this has happened and –to my credit– I did not cry this time. But……..sigh. Yeah, so my Gung-Ho from yesterday went down the drain. 

***Note to self*** I must truthfully examine my answers and feelings toward that question at some point. But not now. Answer = No.

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