What have I REALLY lost?

 

Three weeks ago I got uber-dehydrated while vacationing and promptly lost my appetite. A normal occurence when one is ill.  No real cause for alarm…

EXCEPT.

when you are struggling to recover from an eating disorder.

I have not experienced a complete loss of appetite in a LONG time and was very worried and frustrated even; but I ate what I could and trusted that when I felt better my appetite would return.

SO THEN.

Here I am three weeks later and still experiencing the appetite loss, though to a lesser degree. I simply have not been able to eat the quantities I have in the past.  I am trying to get in as many mini-meals and snacks as I can, because the lack of food is starting to take it’s toll. But it’s not enough.

I’m Scared.  

Because Anorexia is a manipulative, seductive, sneaky, demonic bee-otch, I have learned to second-guess myself regarding matters of my food and my weight. As someone in my ABA fellowship said, “Anorexia is a mental disease; it’s a disease that lies and says you are not sick.” So a constant inner dialogue of “Is this me or the anorexia talking?” is something I need.

This “loss of appetite” is weighing heavy on my mind.

I believe when you are recovering from an eating disorder, any disturbance in appetite or fluctuation in weight gives the ED prime opportunity to move back in and grab what it wants. When I do not eat, my Anorexia is getting “fed” by the restriction and grows stronger. It’s a monster. A parasite.

Basically — it’s been long enough and I’m wondering exactly where my head is at.

What’s going on? What have I REALLY lost?

My appetite or my will to recover?

My appetite or my honesty?

My appetite or my commitment?

My appetite or my grip?

At the same time I feel very hopeful about recovery right now. I am excited to find a nutritionist and continue to go to meetings 5 nights a week.

But I am learning it is possible to “do” all of this and “believe” in recovery and truly NOT be WILLING to SURRENDER completely. I keep hearing this story over and over in meetings.

God tugs on my heart each time I hear it — clearly that is where I’m at.  Still wanting MY WAY. MY WILL.

Now what?

1. PRAYER, PRAYER AND MORE PRAYER

2. SERIOUS CONTEMPLATION AN MEDITATION ABOUT MY WILLINGNESS TO RECOVER

3. MEAL PLAN. ASAP.

I’m exhausted already, but I can do this!

 

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Vicious Cycle of Stupid

Ever been to a zoo or circus and seen an elephant with a chain around it‘s ankle? And the poor thing  just continually rocks back and forth, back and forth, not going anywhere because he is tethered to the chain?

If an elephant never forgets he must be thinking, with each step, “this time will be different” but then…nope. Still stuck.

                I AM that elephant.

Thanks to Einstein we all know that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. Insane? Sure. Stupid? ABSOLUTELY.

I am stuck in a vicious cycle of stupid.

For a while now, I have woken up feeling miserable and vowed that “today will be different,” only to proceed to do the very things which make me feel miserable.

Today I am just miserable. And fat. Elephantine.

And it’s not okay. I am terrified. My body feels so foreign to me. The fat is suffocating.

I am done.

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I’ll get you my pretty….and your little dog, too.

The past two months have been pretty rough –particularly on the ED front. The wicked witch of eatingdisorderville has been relentless in her pursuit. I guess I just didn’t have the energy to fight back. In fact, I pretty much climbed on her broomstick with her and let her take me for a ride.

For a while now, God has been working in my heart, leading me to recognize that (a) not only do I  need treatment,  but (b) I actually want treatment. I have been thinking about it a lot, imagining what it would be like for me to be inpatient, reading recovery stories…trying to imagine all my life might be and all the while becoming more and more aware of how bereft and empty it is now.

But, you know the game. “When…but….maybe….if….tomorrow.”

The universal truth is: tomorrow never comes.

There are only todays.

Today I am thinking about ruby red slippers and yellow brick roads. Except I know better than to think some wizard can help me find my way home.

The tin man recognized his heart, the scarecrow discovered his wisdom, and the lion found his courage and strength. But all they needed was to be themselves and put aside their insecurities.

I’m thinking I can put on my big girl panties (and my ruby reds) and uncover who I am inside. Uncover, discover, recover my self.

So for now….let’s see what I can manage on my own.

I just need to take my steps forward and keep my focus…”there’s no place like home…there’s no place like home…”

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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..

Enough is enough. You see, I had decided that the most painful and frustrating part of going around being a sad-hag is because basically I am not a “wah-wah-wah, doom and gloom” kind of girl. It’s just not my nature. I like butterflies and rainbows and clouds and drawings of honeybees. I love Jesus. 

  I like being ridiculous. I like to eat peanut butter and pickles. 

All you need is Love. Peace. 

So I was going around like….what is wrong with me. Where is my “me”-ness?Sheesh. 

So I developed the brilliant plan to just “give in”  to the depression rather than trying to fight it.  

I scripted a new inner-monologue. 

“I’m not okay and I’m okay with that ”…. “I have run out of pretend”….I like to just sleep all the time and numb myself out in my apartment. That’s my “happy place.” 

Problem is, I’d be feeling like a cruddy, dirty, grey slug and then all of the sudden I find myself making little jokes with my neighbor and smiling or thinking happy thoughts or something. This is really incongruous with what is going on in my life, but I can’t help it. It is not fake. It’s me. 

I am sad happy girl. Or happy sad girl. Is there a word for a happy sort of sad or a sad sort of happiness? Not ambivalence…. 

Maybe I am like the sunshine peaking out of a cloud. Or — my favorite time of day -twilight- when the world gets really glow-y and everything is oddly illuminated.  It is pretty rare and when it happens it feels like magic. 

See what I mean? I am the girl who goes outside and says “Yay! It’s twilight…it’s like magic!” and yes, when there is a rainbow in the sky I want to let everyone in my vicinity know about it (for instance – a complete stranger in the parking lot). 

But I’m also a big, fatty-fat pants failure who can’t get it 

My avatar?

 

 together. 

 See what I mean?

 

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Cocoon

Main Entry: ¹co·coon

Pronunciation: \kə-ˈkün\

1 a : an envelope often largely of silk which an insect larva forms about itself and in which it passes the pupa stage b : any of various other protective coverings produced by animals
2 a : something suggesting a cocoon especially in providing protection or in producing isolation

Because I choose to believe that complete transformation is possible, I consistently latch onto the symbolic metamorphosis of the caterpillar into a butterfly — which I also liken to the caterpillar’s journey into becoming the butterfly. Because there is work involved.

The whole scenario abounds with metaphor….the caterpillar confined to the leaf and then undergoing a true soul-transformation into a creature full of color and light and life. A creature that can fly toward the light.  But first the caterpillar must face the darkness of the cocoon…go within itself until finally it is ready to begin the beautiful struggle and fight the darkness…..you get the picture.

So, this sort of malaise I find myself in of late, while extremely painful and disturbing, also feels quite functional. I don’t have the energy to run away from my issues right now. I have sunk to my knees in the sand and just watch as the water washes me over and recedes again and again.

Cocoon “any of various other protective coverings produced by animals….something suggesting a cocoon especially in providing protection or in producing isolation”

So as I slink home, preparing to bury myself in a novel and make a sport of sleeping just to avoid being awake, there is a sense of comfort. That I am doing something that I need to do. I am in a transition period right now. It’s scary and dark and confining and so lonely but perhaps that is exactly where I need to be.

Just a thought.

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