It Happens….Keep Moving

 

Last night was rough.

I make steps forward in recovery and suddenly find myself crashing through part of the course I already traveled.

I seldom have a clue exactly when I decide to turn my face away from the goal and high-tail it backwards. I just find myself there.

 

 

 

And today, I feel really sad about my life. My situation.

Really upset with myself.

*Sigh*”

It happens. Keep Moving.

(This is one of my favorite “Missy-isms” I say it to myself quite a bit. )

                                                                                                                                            

Practicing “Constructive Living” helps my recovery. By no means have I mastered this, but I do find the teachings really helpful. (when I can get out of my head long enough to employ them)

Constructive Living emphasizes accepting your feelings without trying to change them. You acknowledge them, learn from them, then focus on doing what needs doing.  

“Focus on living well regardless of how you are feeling at the moment.”

Feelings are real –same way this paper mask is real– But they do not define me.

I’m still essentially the same underneath it all.

I could have a montage of last night running through my mind. I could journal about it, think of ways to burn calories get back on track…I can let my whole day be consumed by the past. Trust me. Been there. 

But…I won’t.

 

I’ll just put on a happy face and “keep moving.”

“Feelings fade over time unless re-stimulated.”

“Neurotic suffering grows from self-centeredness, misplaced attention.”

 

UM…on an ENTIRELY unrelated note…look at this random trippy picture!

My face is cracking me up, too. Totally not posed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled

 

 

Does my stank day make my face look stank?

I was wrecked yesterday.  

(Let me whine before I get to the good part.)

I woke up recovering from a migraine I had the night before. The last thing I wanted to do was go to class.

Oh! Did I mention I am enrolled in a tax preparation class? Um….yeah.

Why? I have no earthly clue. SO NOT MY THING. IT’S ANTI-MY-THING.

My boss (Dad) wanted me to so I did. It’s 8 hours of week during which I contemplate the complete lack of career and direction in my life. But that’s another topic.

I’ll be the one doodling butterflies and rainbows in the margins of your tax return and signing letters to the IRS with “Peace and Blessings”

At class, we find out the AC is broken. (Still 80 degrees here in South Florida. Small, crowded room. Lots of Bodies. Lots of numbers. Lots of boring content.)

I felt like I was going to smother and stifle. My headache was making a comeback.

After two hours, I HAD to get out of there. Upon my first breath of air I immediately sat down on the curve to collect myself.

I sort of looked like this (RE-ENACTMENT)

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Suddenly I heard a voice say “This ought to help”

and this cute little old man handed me this.

 

He just said “Take care Sweetheart” and continued walking.

 

I believe God uses all sorts of means to reach his children (you and me). Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes it’s “in your face” as if God is making sure you won’t miss it.

 

A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

I have ready many passages in the word that speak to my struggles with anorexia but I never saw this proverb before.

I went home and collapsed (see above and below) which made me feel better.  Not a re-enactment, by the way. I had to document the pure relief of hitting the bed in the AC for a bit before heading to work.

Where I was treated to this sushi-throw down courtesy of my big bro.

And felt even better yet.

 

 

YES, I ATE IT ALL. 

Boo –to the- Yeah.

(this was all mine. My brother’s lunch went un-captured)

Biggest lunch I have eaten (ever?) in a long time.

One small step for man, one giant leap for Missy-Kind.

 

• Anyone out there ever been “touched by an angel?”
• Have you eaten anything that is a major accomplishment for you lately?

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Korean Sweet Potato Snacks

I’ve gotten a lot of little gifts this week.

Like Korean Sweet Potato Snacks…..Wait.

Sweet Potato FLAVORED Snack.

Not exactly my thing.

actually – these epitomize EXACTLY NOT my thing when it comes to food. 

A dear friend of mine from the gym, an older Korean gentleman, stopped by the office because he needed paperwork notarized. (I’m a notary). He came bearing gifts.

He’s a photographer and has given me butterfly photos before. (Does he know me or what?). This time he gave me a pretty blue fish.

And the aforementioned Sweet Potato Flavored Snack. We talk about cooking and food and I think he recalled my

 quest to create the perfect sweet potato fries.

Not there yet….parsnips chilling in the background with my “yo, muscat” dip. (yogurt, catsup, mustard, stevia, garam masala or whatevs)

So I guess he thought I’d dig these.

*Photo courtesy of NOT on my meal plan.*

I’m standing there…with this sweet, sweet man who was expectantly waiting for me to “Try them!”

Not long ago Usually I think NOTHING of saying, “I don’t eat that, but thank you. (No sugar, no flour…yadda yadda).” Been there, done that a MILLION times.

Whereas most people would find that rude. He bought me a gift!

That day something changed.

I did not read the ingredients (I could use my imagination) and just opened the bag,  took one out, and ate it. “Mmmm..Good. Thanks!” and put the bag aside. Done. Easy.

For me this was a huge deal.

FOR ONCE….MY WILL AND DESIRE TO BE NORMAL OUTMANEUVERED MY EATING DISORDER.

I can’t really put into words how amazing this felt.

If it were a cheeseburger, that would be another thing. But it was one freaking snack-like thing. I sucked it up.

*side note…two days later (after I told him how my co-workers (my mom and my bro) sucked down the snacks he stopped by again with two more bags.)

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Stop Grabbing Your Nuts!

Stop Grabbing Your Nuts

<insert “that’s what she said” joke here>

I’ve had nuts on my mind.

 

(In addition to having an already nutty mind.)

Not only have I been trying to re-create my neighbor’s “Sweetly Spiced Nuts” (I’ll share the recipe below)….

But Mostly because I read this allegory on Nourishing The Soul about Monkeys and Nuts that I RELATE ENTIRELY to.

 (Me being the kind of woman that easily relates to Monkeys and Nuts).

Its appropriately entitled “Letting Go of What is Trapping You.”

It’s a must read (please?) but If you’re in a rush, here’s the break down:

• Hunters discovered a clever way to trap monkeys by using the monkeys against themselves.

 

• They cut a hole just big enough for a monkey’s hand to fit inside a coconut and fill it with a monkey’s favorite nuts.

 

• The monkey reaches in, grabs a fistful of nuts and….low and behold….cannot fit their clenched fist through the hole. 

 

• They struggle and struggle…but they are stuck. They hold on to their nuts so resolutely, they cannot see this is the one thing that prevents them from being free.

 

• When they are completely exhausted, desperate and frightened…they relax their grip on the nuts.

 

• And they find themselves free.

 

While holding on to their nuts, the monkeys were stuck no matter how hard they tried to be free. As soon as they relaxed, surrendered, and let go of the things they thought they needed… 

they were free.

Hmmmm…

 

I’ve got a lot of nuts to let go of if I am gonna do this recovery thing.

But first I can sweeten them up a bit.

In a sugar-free way, of course.

Neighborly Sweetly Spiced Nuts

My neighbor made these awesome nuts which my father loved and I have decided to re-create in a sugar-free way.

• 12 oz raw pecans, almonds whatevah.
• 1 egg white
• 1 t water
• 1 C sugar (I used Truvia)
• 2t cinnamon
• 1t nutmeg
• 1t sea salt

 

Beat the egg whites and water till frothy.

FOLD (do not stir) in the nuts until coated.

 

Mix the “sugar” and spices in a bowl.

(As a general rule- fresh nutmeg > dried nutmeg. Trust Me.)

Pour the mixture into the nuts 1/4 at a time and bake 250 degrees for 1 hour, stir every 20.

 

Results:  I halved the nuts in the recipe but not anything else (whoops) and wasn’t sure how to adjust the bake time so I they were not perfect.

But they sure tasted good.

 

 

I was dying to give these to my dad, who has been eating almonds non-stop as he in on a no-carb kick (*GROAN* I Know!). Evidently, in my family, having an eating disorder strips you of your rights to dish advice on diet and nutrition. (0:
Anyway, he liked them! My next nutty adventure will be a savory spiced nut…I’m thinking rosemary and thyme. 

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Why I’m not the Next Food Blog Star

A few months back, I wasn’t sure what a blog was – much less a healthy living blog or a food blog. Then I started Beautiful Struggle (which is really about me, myself and I ..and recovery), then I read some blogs, and then I read a lot more. (Now I am hooked.) I started reading healthy living and food blogs. 

At first, I was confoozled. 

 “Why pictures of what people eat every day? What is the deal with all the oatmeal? What is OIAJ? Who’s a Nooch?” 

Confusion quickly gave way to intrigue and appreciation.   

Here were all these beautiful, healthy women taking pride and pleasure in their food. Food that was healthy and nutritious and looked amazing. And they looked Amazing! 

I saw what it might be like to eat without the restraints of an eating disorder. I saw what it may be like to say “what do I feel like eating today?” 

I saw all this and said it was good. 

And in comparison my disordered eating habits were completely exposed. 

My basic days of eating tend to be a variation on a  theme. I assemble, really, rather then “cook.” 

 

Breakfast of egg whites. 

 

Sometimes with hummus and hot sauce. 

Oh, and dinner… 

Dinners tend to be…um…repetitious (understatement of the year). 

 

Veggie Chik’n burger with asparagus, carrots, zucch and onion. 

 

And again… 

 

And repeat… 

 

(Sometimes I switch it up a bit.) 

I DO enjoy my food. But after reading these blogs I was able to see my diet is sorely lacking and um…boring! 

 

Snack of Apples, Yogurt and Cinn-uvia *Truvia and cinnamon. 

 

And…repeat. 

Not only boring…my eats are often…borderline bizarre. 

 

Pickles and Pea-Bee! 

 

Sweet onions and Pea-Bee! 

And let’s face it….pretty unappealing. 

My Nay-Nay and I are bringing Sexy Back.  

I am no stranger to healthy eating and nutritious foods. Trust me. I have all the goods in my cupboards….but that’s where they tend to stay while I play it Safe. 

These healthful living Blogs inspired me to get EXCITED about food. It’s OK to eat! Food is fuel! And I am happy to say I am slowly coming out of my shell! 

 

Roasted Veg and Hum-Cheese sauce (made with…nooch!) 

 

A “Yogurt Mess” with Bloobs, Nay-Nays and some yogurt and “Green Monster” leftovers. (You see?) 

  

Un-pretty but delicious oatmeal creation (carrot juice and almond milk in background) 

 

I even busted out an old sugar-free, flour-free muffin recipe from my nutri. (A fail, but delish) 

My point is…and I DO Have one…. 

With all the buzz around the Next Foodblog Star Challange 

I just wanted to express my gratitude for all these beautiful women who –in such a short time- have given me hope for a better and healthier life.  

Call me a wanna-be. After all, Imitation is the best form of flattery.

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Lost and Found

Gaining Weight.

Really? Who wants to do it?

(Besides bodybuilders and skinny guys maybe)

The fact that I must gain weight in order to recover is difficult for me to face.

Very difficult.

Sure –there are positive mental spins available with the term “gaining.” After all, with recovery you have everything to gain!

But still…

One day a random phrase popped into my head…it sits with me quite well.

FINDING WEIGHT.

After all, I am only finding what I have lost.

Not only weight, but MYSELF. MY LIFE.

My ability to take up space in this world and LIVE.

I once was lost but now am found.

Finding weight.

I think I like the idea.

 

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Revival Weekend

I am overwhelmed with the comments left on my last post. The impact we can have on one another without ever having met amazes me. Blogging has proved this to me. I have been given support and found so much inspiration by reading the blogs of beautiful, healthy women. Women who have often fought the same battle and won. Women who may still struggle but can share their triumphs and challenges. 

And so many have what I want.

Health. I am CRAVING it. I am hungry for it. I am ready for it.

I realize I have bottomed out– run myself into the ground by not nourishing myself spiritually, emotionally, intellectually or physically.

The first to go was my emotional and spiritual well-being. Leaving me feeling ho-hum, un-groovy and finally un-glued.

Then my mind went monkey-wild….negative and irrational thoughts, going willy-nilly whenever it chose. My ability to focus was non-existent.

Finally, my body gave in. I feel all kinds of wonky. I am exhausted and achy and sick.

I need to take care of myself. Sound body, sound mind.

A sound mind in a sound body is a short but full description of a happy state in this world.

John Locke

 

I left work early yesterday feeling sick and called today, which I have spent mostly sleeping. Sleeping and formulating my plan.

I am on a mission. This weekend will be entirely committed to restoring myself back to … ME again.

RESTORE, REVIVE, REVITALIZE.

I’ll be “SERFING” everyday….making sure to get a balance of Spirituality, Exercise, Rest, and proper Food.

I’ll be doing what I WANT to do, rather than what I HAVE to do. If the floors don’t get mopped, so be it.

In short — I am going to chill the funk out and take it easy. Or try, at least.

Hopefully, by Monday I will feel REFRESHED, RENEWED, and RECHARGED.

Because I need my energy and strength for recovery.

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Slip Sliding Away

So…

I have gone from feeling decidedly ungroovy to entirely unglued.

The tightrope of recovery I’ve been walking has become a slippery slope.

I’ve lost my balance. I’ve slipped. I feel the gravity of my disease pull me down.

I’ve been going to 12 step meetings…but I have not entirely engaged in the process. I know there is a lot of wisdom and valuable truths in the 12-step process. It’s just so … regimented. Let’s just say I can’t see myself collecting Bingo chips, celebrating “birthdays,” and running around quoting the blue book. I prefer to quote the bible. This sounds negative, but my mind is still wide open. I just feel like you can benefit from it without being a card-carrying member.

The first step is admitting that you are powerless over your disease and that your life has become unmanageable. I initially thought, “Of course I am. I completely agree. ” Then, I realized I actually have a big problem accepting that. Powerless?  I am a child of God…this is only a weakness. Can’t I just, with God’s grace, snap out of it? Straighten up and act right?

But I waffle…because I always doubt myself. Is it me who doesn’t want to accept powerlessness or my disease?

Anyway…this is not a fun post to write because I am not in a good state right now. My life feels completely crazy to me, and I feel like I can’t help myself. Like I am….there’s that word again… Powerless.

And if I am, that is an UGLY, SCARY truth that I am going to have to face.

Fact of the matter is, I have not made a lot of progress. If I continue to believe that I can fight this…that I have some power inside me then I need to prove it to myself. Quickly.

Because I just can’t deal with this anymore. Enough is Enough.

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Words to Live By

I was working hard at the office *ahem* Okay, I was at work  but found time to squeeze in a random art project.

 On a whim, I re-purposed a set of  magnets by adorning them with some choice words. (I LOVE words–but I don’t like the word logophile). 

 

These words mean so much to me. I try to keep them in mind as much as possible.

I collect magnets, by the way. I’ll have to show them off sometime.

  

• Faith– Again and again God tells us in his Word to have faith. We repeatedly see that it was “by faith” and “through faith” that miracles happen, progress is made. Healing is accomplished. I don’t believe ”nothing is impossible if you have faith”….but I firmly believe that EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU HAVE FAITH.

 

• Love – I believe LOVE is the most spiritual practice of all. Unmitigated, unconditional LOVE for EVERYTHING.  “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” 1 Cor 13:13.

  

• Peace – Less to do with politics and more about being gentle and serene with yourself and others. BEING AT PEACE and ENJOYING MOMENTS.  I am not a fan of loud conversations, brash words, and craziness. There is WAY too much of that going on in my head. So, I try to keep the ideal of peace in mind. Especially when it comes to being at peace with myself.

 

• Be Kind - Be gentle and good and loving to yourself, other people- to all living things.  Especially ourselves. I am so tired of beating myself up!  Be Nice, people! Haters suck.

 

• Enjoy Yourself – You can actually be pretty cool to spend time with! Rock your YOU-NIQUE-NICITY. (Check out the word I just created. Yay!)

 

• Serenity - Read the serenity prayer. It says it all.

 

• Freedom - I want so much to be free! Free of this disease, this negativity, this self-imposed misery. Recovery represents FREEDOM to me. When I constantly hold on to the thought of freedom, my shackles become more painfully obvious and harder to bear — which is a good thing. I have spent so much of my life in bondage to this disease, I have grown quite accustomed to living that way. But I AM MORE THAN THAT!

 

• “Keep Calm, Carry on” — I say this to myself ALL THE TIME. Another thing I say is “It Happens, Keep Moving!” These little nuggets help me get past the “toast landing on floor peanut-butter side down” moments (0:” Try it!  

• Simple - Simplicity is an art form. A talent. A skill. Practice makes better.  I tend to complicate and over think EVERYTHING when really? Less is more. (I really have to work  at this! Work in progress.)

 

• Presence – I so often seek escape. From myself, my feelings, my situations. Enter Eating Disorder stage left. I try to remember to stay present and focused. Simple, but not easy. I sometimes have to mentally talk myself through moments to get out of my head. “I am walking to the car, I am putting the key in the door, I am opening the door”…..It’s good practice.

What words do you carry close to your heart?

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Decidedly Un-Groovy

“Ba da, Ba da, Ba da, Ba da…Feelin’ Groovy?”   

Sorry Simon and Garfunkel, but me? NOT SO MUCH.

I am most definitely anti-groove. Decidedly un-groovy.

What I AM feeling is the absence of groove.  I want my groove back.

I have spent the past week feeling so YUCK. I’ve smiled, yeah. But I’m not feeling like myself.

I am lonely — lonely to the core. This makes me want to isolate because, if I do venture out there, the inevitable return to my apartment, my self,  my lonely existence feels even worse.  I am being crazy-stupid about food — which is both caused by and contributing to my mucked-up moods. I feel closer to being “in disease” right now than “in recovery.”

Being “in disease” has lost it’s ”charm” (not that it ever had much). I mean — it no longer works for me as a crutch or a coping mechanism. I can’t numb out and lose myself in the ED Insanity without KNOWING THE WHOLE TIME how much it SUCKS and how WEAK I am being.  

Add a generous heap of low energy, numbness, lack of sleep and boredom and what do you get?

The opposite of GROOVE.
Hmm….A BUMP. Maybe this is just a “bump in the road.”

The worst part, the scary part, is my lack of motivation or energy to do anything to help myself right now.

I just. Don’t. Care. (For now…)

God? I need a swift kick in the butt.

 So….what to do, what to do?   I HAVE to take action so I can find my way back to the sunny side of life and …..

 

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