Thank Goodness Yesterday Was Thursday Or, TGYWT! Because TGIF is so 1989.  Because I love me a good acronym.

I then use each letter to write about something and post it on the internet. Because that makes sense.

Target.

Full of things that make me smile. No purchase necessary.

Grape.
Divine, indeed.

You’d think my parents would miss me when they travel.
You’d be wrong.

Tahiti

Greece

Naples

Hawaii

They’ve been all the places. This is just a smidgen. Makes me so happy for them.

When I have the pool all to myself.
Who’s House?  #owningit.

T-Shirt. 
I found my new “favorite Ts” (at Target, naturally). They are super-soft, v-neck, long… perfect.

The face is meant to reflect my caption.

I’m hilarious. (No I’m not).
But it’s true… my Instagram and Feedly are populating with everyone traveling to Blend and the excitement is a little contagious. Even though the only friendly I know there would be Lindsay, I’d like to meet some of the bloggers I stalk.

I doubt I’d fit in though, with all the working out and stuff. Could I sit on the sidelines with a Bloody Mary and just watch? *wink* Maybe next year, if I get my act together and quit smoking start doing burpees. 

• Give me a random T,G,Y,W or T from your week (if you want).

I have an on and off love affair with cucumbers. I either want them ALL the time or want NOTHING to do with them. Not sure if there is a rhyme or reason to my cravings, perhaps it is seasonal. 

So, with trepidation, I did.

Two great tastes that… taste… like two great tastes put together?
It hit the spot fantastic for me that day, but I’m not sure this combo will be making regular appearances.

I call it Vegetable Fruit Salad.

Get it? Cucumbers are technically a fruit. Tomatoes are a fruit (unless they are in pizza sauce in which case the Government declares them as technically a vegetable serving).

I chopped some onions, tomatoes and cucumbers and added a few dashes of red wine vinegar and about a tbsp of Greek yogurt. A sprinkle of sweetener and a hefty helping of S&P and shook it like a Polaroid.

Speaking of pictures (forced segue), come play with me on The Instagram. Please?

• What are you craving lately?
• What is your favorite way to eat cucumbers?

OMMM- On My Mind Monday – Where the breathing is deep, but the thoughts? Not so much.

Here’s what it’s like inside my head:

Why does McDonald’s call their hamburgers sandwiches?

This is a burger.

This is a sandwich.

Actually, let me do better than that… THIS is a sandwich.

That would be peanut butter and mayo and lettuce and yes it is MF delicious and shut up you jealous mayo-haterz. (Okay, full disclosure I am not a mayo fan but I LOVE vegenaisse and am convinced it can turn anyone on).

I digress.

In pursuit of an explanation, I went to the interwebs where the plot thickened. McDonald’s online menu has a section that is burgers AND sandwiches… mainly using “sandwich” for the chicken items.
 
Yet in advertising and company literature “sandwich” overrides “burger” as an umbrella term encompassing both.

The marketing geek in me really wants an explanation.

It’s a meal disguised as a burger described as a sandwich…

Which one is it? Can we just pick one?

It’s all very confusing.

The burger vs. sandwich thinks were brought about by a McD’s radio commercial. The word “sandwich” was repeated so much my brain cells fixed onto it. Suddenly it was all I could focus on. (And for once it wasn’t due to starvation…lol).

You know, like when you are listening to someone speak and notice they say “Ummm” or “like” a lot. The rest just fades into Charlie Brown Adult interspersed with”like” or “Ummm” or whatever filler word they’re into.

Or when you are listening to Evangelical Christians pray and suddenly all you can hear is “Just” and “would” and “would just.”

I’ve been thinking about that too.

I wish I could say it’s because I’ve been going to church thrice weekly but mainly it’s due to my reality television fixation.

Preacher’s Daughters anyone? Can I get a witness?

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil…but feel free to exploit yourselves all you want. Oh… that show. I love it. I hate it. It entertains the heck out of me.

• Would you rather have a burger (turkey, vegetarian… whatever) or a sandwich?
• Is their a filler word you say often? I am guilty of “like” but in the way that most people my age are.
  A co-worker of mind used to say “go ahead and” before ALL the things and, bless her heart, some of us wanted to choke her
  but that’s probably because in general she was…um… challenging. Bless her heart. *wink*

I found the perfect Mother’s Day card a couple weeks ago at Target: 

It’s entirely what my Mom needs, trust me.

Tuesday I realized that I needed to get a gift together quick, because my parents left for Europe yesterday for a few weeks.

Like I said, I really wish there was a “screwitol” pill my mom could take. Perhaps that’s why I spontaneously created this to go along with the card:

I created a secret board on The Pinterest and pinned quotes and what-nots, which I then printed and cut into little take-a-ways she can grab when she felt the urge to scream cry shake someone relax a bit.

And some were more direct…

I added some funny one’s as well.
She got a real kick out of this one:

Anyways, I have de-privatized the board so if you want to see it help yourself.
Maybe you’re in need of a dose of screw-it-all yourself?

I’m considering making a similar jar for myself filled with things I need to read often like scripture and quotes that tell me I’m not fat inspire me.

*What are you doing for Mom’s Day?
*Did you know you can make “secret” Pinterest Boards?
OH and I need advice:
*Do you know a way to privately upload photos from your phone to your computer using the web (I don’t have a cord)?

Love your sadness. It won’t last.

"Sadness gives you the chance to be still with the most tender place of your being.
Sadness is an opportunity to deeply appreciate your losses and your longings.

Sadness brings you eye to eye with your desires.
Appreciation is fuel for change.

Love gives your sadness the energy it needs to move through you… so it can move on.

By loving your sadness, you’re respecting your truth.
And freedom always follows truth."

Excerpt from Danielle LaPorte

I am ALL THE TIME trying to escape the sads, because it just doesn’t feel like me.

Also because I get distracted by glitter and butterflies. Nene Leakes.  Peanut Butter. I never get a chance to fully “sit with” the feelings.

Show them some love.

Check it out and “follow” me (if you want) so I can follow you!

Found this card for my girl Jessie Jeans; she’s in Utah being treated for her anorexia. Perfect isn’t it? But so fantastic I needed to share.

So. Haven’t been writing much here of late and yet I continue to gain new subscribers (hello!). I know most  people reading here are close to me so you know I am still “around” in this blogo-wtf-osphere.

Anywhoo…. I’ve been going through quite a lot and I feel a calm approaching as well as a drive to write. I am still waiting for that “where to begin” moment but until then I will just say ……

I’ve got 110 problems and yeah…..not eating is not one. LOL.

I have so much energy it feels foreign. I KILL it in the pool (if only I weren’t so unmotivated), I got back .. like “baby got back” and my body seems to change everyday.
Crazy.

And I feel  SOOOOOOOO F*cked ….for now.

Alas, no applause please. I can claim no recovery —  my behavior and thoughts are deplorable, but since this blog is a diary of sorts I may as well share and start now.

Seriously. Glitter can barely hold court in my mind right now against the tyranny of my discomfort.
BUT MY MIND IS FIGHTING.
I want life so bad.

Peep this.

That would be a Peanut Butter & Jelly Fluffernutter Peeps Sandwich.

So relevant I had to share (even though I am planted firmly in the anti-Peep camp).

Not entirely relevant -  but can I get a witness?

That would be Peanut Butter & Jelly. . .Fish (Salmon).

Is it just me or is that eleventy different kinds of wrong?

Even though I’ve never been tempted to try the whole “fruit on fish” thing (blech), I know it’s gastronomically correct.  Peanut butter and fish is a stretch (and I’m talking fish, not shellfish).

But I draw the line at MF JELLY on FISH.

Jelly.
Gelatinous anything needs to get far away from my seafood.

But I’d probably still try it.

Many things in our lives leave no room for words.
No verbal expression could ever encapsulate what we want to express.

Some things are just too beautiful; beautiful beyond description or comparison.

All words pale in comparison to the actual sentiment.

For instance, “I love PB&J.”

Just. Doesn’t. Cut It.

That being said….I love PB&J.
For so many reasons and on so many levels. 
It goes well beyond the taste… for me,

PB&J is an icon. A way of life. An elixir.
It’s cultural, spiritual, sentimental…and cute.
I could go on and on and on…

but ain’t nobody got time for that when there’s celebrating to do.

How will you be celebrating today?

Need inspiration? Check out my Pinteresting Board, “PBJ LOVE”

I most likely will be spooning it up two-step style (“dip, dip, mouth” being my post collegiate version of “puff puff pass”).

*Confession Alert*

There is plenty of PBJ in my life, PLENTY.

I mean… PLENTY of PBJ happening.
I put PBJ on my brussels sprouts for the sake of all goodness (the key is either apricot preserves or cranberry preserves).

However, there is one key area in which I am remiss: 
LEGIT PB&Js

I’m talking sandwich, b-ich. 

(NeNe Leakes’s infectious spirit is infiltrating my soul)

That means bread.

No, not a wrap. Bread. (It’s complicated.)

(I need to start drawing my own memes).

Today, I am declaring that a LEGIT style PBJ will be enjoyed by me again.

Soon.  Very soon.

And then again. I promise.

For all the days of my life.

I’d been drowning… trying to fight a rip tide all alone. Not smart.
Just who do I think I am?

Anyways – Just wanted to drop a quick line of thanks…

Izzy Bear, Leslie, Brick House Katie, K-Jo, Sherpa Windsay, Erin, Lex, Dara, Zuza, Jill and Andrea. Of course my everyday peoples Jozzelle, Rachel, and Jessie Jeans.

And last but not least, Sooz.

This girl.
Just.
I can’t. I can’t put words to how awe–mazing she is and so much more.

Beautiful beyond description or comparison – she’s good people.

She ALWAYS rocks my world with her words and I wanted to share the email she wrote – with her permission of course. I added in pictures, but the last one is her’s.

————————————————————————

"I’m not eating because my body is starved and I’m making up for lost time."

Big.fat.un.truth.

Bee, how long did it take you to starve your body?

Do you really think it’s all babiebutts and roses just because you feed it a GDA of cals a few days/weeks/months? That’s not how it works and I know your logic brain knows this somewhere. When someone has been a general ass to you for YEARS, scolded you, bullied you, hit you, talked behind your back. FOR YEARS. Do you really think a box of chocolates (<–See what I just did there?) will make up for it? Or even two, and a card the week after?

That’s not how it works.

Trust is a homeostasis. Something that is achieved over a LONG period of time. You can’t make up for years of maltreatment by a single smile, baby bee. It will take years more to rebuild that relationship.

Relationships are a two-way thing. Just by feeding your body now doesn’t mean it instantly trusts you again.

Before the mutual trust is reestablished, your body needs to be able to really know it can rely on you.

That takes ages bee. Ages.

And it is TOTALLY worth it.

Purging? -> Trust? Uhhhh… yeah. No.

Bee, if there is ANYTHING to focus on right now, it is to stop the purging.
STOP THE PURGING.
I PROMISE you, for realz, that the bingeing is workable on with others. With therapy. With body-trust-you-re-establishment mutual stuff-ness. But the purging will take everything you have worked so hard on and are working so hard for and smash it all.

I am the QUEEN of binges

(no you aint taking that title I can promise you. For real. You’re NOT doing it any worse than I ever have, I can promise you that. For real Melis, I dont mean that as a funny competitive joke. Your binges are NOT worse than mine and I am sure we are not the only ones either).

And I am still here. And I am just accepting the possibilities to intervention by others. I am on that same road.

But the key point is; I am still here.

Hey you, I AM STILL HERE.

Despite of all the binges. It is NOT the end of the world and it will NOT be the death of you. I promise you. The purging will Melis. Please, please, if anything, whatever it takes, stop the purging. Scream, cry, smash the table wear Greek-diner style, claw a pillow apart, I don’t care. But find ways to sit through it, to howl through it. But don’t purge. I beg you
Howl to me if you need to. Bark. Wag yo tail(feathers). Anything.

You are not alone in this Bee. It’s just part of the ride. It’s doable. No fun, but doable. And worth it.
Smooooooochonyapooooch!

(PS; picture to lighten it up. Cuz you know, I live in a world with seasons and we still get excited about sunshine and all)

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• Isn’t she just the cat’s meow dot com?