Physical Allergy

I finally got my Handbook last Friday and spent much of the weekend completely absorbed by it.

*goosetingles* It is by far the most soul-fully TRUE thing I have ever read about eating disorders (and I have read ginormous amounts).

It is hard to find the right metaphor to describe exactly how deeply this text just….I don’t know… TELLS IT LIKE IT IS. Wow.

I am looking forward to studying this book but have already gotten some amazing insights, one of which explains to me why I feel so confused about “where I’m at” after losing my appetite three weeks ago (see my last post).

What we do know is that once we begin restricting our food, exercising, or binging and purging, we experience an overpowering need to continue doing so. This need is not a psychological desire but rather a physical compulsion ……….[the book goes on to describe this as a physical allergy]

 

If I’d been wearing socks they would have hit the fan.  I was floored!

…and ENTIRELY overwhelmed by the realization that I have made very little progress on this brick road of recovery. I’m still in munchkin land with the lollipop kids and Glenda’s happy little thoughts and I’m dancing “off to see the wizard” ….

I thought I was a little farther along.

So. This Book. Me. Recovery. WORK IN PROGRESS. Pardon my dust.

At least I SEE the yellow brick road and I know where I am going. My feet are facing the right direction. There’s that.

 

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I’ll get you my pretty….and your little dog, too.

The past two months have been pretty rough –particularly on the ED front. The wicked witch of eatingdisorderville has been relentless in her pursuit. I guess I just didn’t have the energy to fight back. In fact, I pretty much climbed on her broomstick with her and let her take me for a ride.

For a while now, God has been working in my heart, leading me to recognize that (a) not only do I  need treatment,  but (b) I actually want treatment. I have been thinking about it a lot, imagining what it would be like for me to be inpatient, reading recovery stories…trying to imagine all my life might be and all the while becoming more and more aware of how bereft and empty it is now.

But, you know the game. “When…but….maybe….if….tomorrow.”

The universal truth is: tomorrow never comes.

There are only todays.

Today I am thinking about ruby red slippers and yellow brick roads. Except I know better than to think some wizard can help me find my way home.

The tin man recognized his heart, the scarecrow discovered his wisdom, and the lion found his courage and strength. But all they needed was to be themselves and put aside their insecurities.

I’m thinking I can put on my big girl panties (and my ruby reds) and uncover who I am inside. Uncover, discover, recover my self.

So for now….let’s see what I can manage on my own.

I just need to take my steps forward and keep my focus…”there’s no place like home…there’s no place like home…”

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