Love what now, honey???

I read something amazing today and wanted to share:

Love your sadness. It won’t last.

"Sadness gives you the chance to be still with the most tender place of your being.
Sadness is an opportunity to deeply appreciate your losses and your longings.

Sadness brings you eye to eye with your desires.
Appreciation is fuel for change.

Love gives your sadness the energy it needs to move through you… so it can move on.

By loving your sadness, you’re respecting your truth.
And freedom always follows truth."

Excerpt from Danielle LaPorte

I am ALL THE TIME trying to escape the sads, because it just doesn’t feel like me.

Also because I get distracted by glitter and butterflies. Nene Leakes.  Peanut Butter. I never get a chance to fully “sit with” the feelings.

I run, I numb, I allow the feelings to be dimmed by the beautiful light so abundant in this world…
But I need to pay more attention to them.

I wouldn’t share this if I thought this wasn’t something universal to us all.

I hope it gives you cause for pause next time you find yourself feeling annoyed by/embarrassed of/frustrated with your sads.

Show them some love.

Also? I’m on The Instagram now.
Just like all the cool kids.

Check it out and “follow” me (if you want) so I can follow you!

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Where you at guuurl?

Hey-yo.

So. Haven’t been writing much here of late and yet I continue to gain new subscribers (hello!). I know most  people reading here are close to me so you know I am still “around” in this blogo-wtf-osphere.

Anywhoo…. I’ve been going through quite a lot and I feel a calm approaching as well as a drive to write. I am still waiting for that “where to begin” moment but until then I will just say ……

I’ve got 110 problems and yeah…..not eating is not one. LOL.

I have so much energy it feels foreign. I KILL it in the pool (if only I weren’t so unmotivated), I got back .. like “baby got back” and my body seems to change everyday.
Crazy.

And I feel  SOOOOOOOO F*cked ….for now.

Alas, no applause please. I can claim no recovery —  my behavior and thoughts are deplorable, but since this blog is a diary of sorts I may as well share and start now.

Seriously. Glitter can barely hold court in my mind right now against the tyranny of my discomfort.
BUT MY MIND IS FIGHTING.
I want life so bad.

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Losing My Way | Losing My Weigh | Losing “My Way”

Helloooooo.

Today I found myself typing an impromptu mental-word-purge-poetry-slam while writing to a friend. 
Emo happens.

It’s ED Awareness week so I figured I may share a bit of my personal struggles in the day to day. It’s not really my style, but WTF. It’s Wednesday.

While my weight as a number is not a large factor in my craziness, it does reflect body size to a certain extent. I am so uncomfortable in my skin right now because of weight gain that I burn .. with a desire to lose weight that is rivaling my desire to live fully alive.

I play with words and this is what happens:

Weight Gain IS SO HARD SO GREAT SO AWFUL SO NECESSARY SO IMPOSSIBLE SO PAINFUL SO PROUD SO SHAMEFUL SO HOPEFUL SO HOPELESS

Which. Weigh. Do. I. Go.

Life or Death?

Up or Down?

Which way?

Which way is which?

Which WEIGH?

Sigh.

The answer… I know…

is no weigh.

WEIGH? NO WAY.

Weigh IS NO way.

There is only ONE WAY.

One truth. One life.

His Way.

My way is no “way”.

MY WEIGH is no “way” at all.

Not MY way.. anyway.

Not MY WEIGH.

NOT MY CONCERN

My weigh is not my concern, not my business.

It’s His Concern.

Um… Awkward.

I promise that won’t happen again.

In lieu of closing comments – if you want to drop a line tell me what word play comes to mind when you consider the word “WEIGHT”

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Still in the Game

I’m still in the game.

But I’m not a player (I just crush a lot).

Eating Dis-order and Food addiction is the player…

I’m the mofo coach.

I’m forced to participate in this insane game…but I call the shots.

Wait….maybe I’m the ref?

I mean, I am having difficulty with my pants lately. (0;

Whatever.

Honestly….I’ve always been a cheerleader. 

 

But that….doesn’t really work in this metaphor, huh?

It’s all very confusing.

Point is – Half-time is over. Back to work.

 

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December at the Ball Park

December 1

 

December 2

 

December 3…..

That’s today.

I need to get my act together or it’s

One. Two.

Three. Strikes. I’m Out.

December 3.

That’s today.

That’s….NOW.

That’s….lunch.

 

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Most Likelys…or Likelies

The man behind me at the checkout counter had NO idea what he was getting into when he asked me how to cook asparagus.

“Let me tell you ALL the ways!!!”

True?
Most likely.

#asparagusaddict

You may be a little “off” if you love asparagus enough to pose with it and post the picture on the internet in a ridiculous fashion. Ain’t nobody want to see that.

True?
Most likely*.

There may be something strange about a single-girl in a one bedroom apartment that owns two vacuums (and has a Dyson on her wishlist for lottery days).

True?  Most likely.

My sudden insatiable olive consumption is probably my body’s way of telling me it could use some fat and salt, please. Cannot. Stop. With. Them.

True? Most likely.

The fact that my beloved Peanut Butter and Jelly has been sequestered to my cupboard** for an unprecedented amount of days (weeks?) may explain the salt and fat cravings.

True?
Most likely.

   

The absence of Peanut butter interest as well as a waning appetite may be substantial cause for my concern. After all, this is not the first time this has happened and …cause and effect arguments aside… it’s telling.

True?

Most likely.

But.

That part of me that should be concerned? That part so charged up and full of moxie? I’m having a hard time locating it. Searching has become exhausting. The mojo is so illusive. I find myself wondering if I imagined it?

#tiredlosinghopeicantdoubtfearetc.

And I mean…after all. It’s just peanut butter. It’s food. My weight is stable despite and all I have to do for now is maintain and the holidays are coming up and …and…. but.

Anything “after-but”  is sh*t.

Lately – as I have many times over the months – I’ve been channeling the words of my awesomest inspiring friend, Mel.

She is the one who passed along these bracelets. I wear them everyday since.

With them, she wrote me an incredibly moving letter. 

One part just…struck me. Stuck with me. It left a mark. For the better.

“Some say recovery is a continual journey. I say that is bullshit. Recovery either is or is not. I chose “is.”

Yup.

Whatever I do…It will be my choice. So…about this peanut butter situation and the jaws theme song I hear playing in the background? I either decide to stay in the water and ignore the lifeguard…..or I start swimming toward the beach.

(Funny how what’s dangerous seems safe and the safe harbor seems scary. Fear is imaginary. Fear tells us what is like-ly, but it’s not. It’s like-lies.)

I have a choice:

1) Flirt with getting eaten alive and drowning after a life of fear or struggle…or

2) Work my azz off and swim against rip tides toward shore (and hopefully a hot lifeguard.)

But I need to take responsibility and OWN my decision.

I choose. I decide. 

I better choose wisely.

It’s a choice between life and death.

Is that even a choice at all?

One of the Optional Prompt for NHBPM is “Write about life and death” .Previous posts can be found here. Also – I will not be doing the 30 in 30 thang. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Or…okay fine, I just can’t hack it. Not for me.  LOL. So many bloggers I love posting everyday and – that’s probably why I like them because they are more interesting than I am.

 

 

*Totally True. Posing with asparagus? This whole blog? LOL. Ridiculous.

** (yup, I say cupboard, and cabinets are where the plates go and pantries are big like closets.)

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There’s That

 

 

 

 

 

I must be doing something right…

there’s that.

 

 

Today’s Optional Prompt for NHBPM is “Use a picture or video to inspire a post” .Previous posts can be found here.

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Atypical Tuesday – A Spontaneous Post

Every Tuesday (I love playing mental games with days of the week for real…not just in blog world) I try and do something atypical. I tend to get myself in a rut and well…

About five minutes ago the thought occurred to me it would be highly atypical for me to blog with no forethought or purpose…or..GASP! pictures. (Still cringing).

So here I am now.

For real. I have no idea. But I’m rolling with the challenge.

Yeah…so…I’ve had “a day.” You know the ones…it’s just…

I enjoyed and loved so much and so many aspects of the day  because that is how I am, beauty and struggle and all of that #blogtitle.

I laughed, I made crazy conversations with strangers, I listened to ILL hip-hop in my minivan…I printed hilarious photos of my brother and planted them on his desk….I am about to eat a mind-blowingly delicious piece of fresh, wild-caught flaky buttery piece of Cod…

But….wow. It’s been a day.

After work I found myself mentally berating myself because … my life is EASY. Really. I am employed, I live alone with my dog and we rule the roost. I have no one to cook for, no second job, no handicaps, I have an apartment with AC, Cable…etc. It’s pretty nice, too.

I have not the blessing of responsibilities that come with kids and I have loving parents who are both alive and supportive. I have a car, friends, Jesus….I mean….seriously.

So why? Why? Do I feel so beat up?

But–what I also have is a freaking war going on inside my mind. Right now? It’s pretty much every second. I am mentally engaged, with the help of God, in battling these insidious feelings of total discomfort in my skin and the thoughts of “fixing it”…which means losing weight. Even though in my mind it doesn’t sound like that. This is not about fat or thin. Let me make that clear. 

Hard to explain – BUT – relief comes in losing mass, flesh…bulk. That’s not an option. That means losing health. I have to keep reminding myself of that all the ding-dong time. It has finally donned on me that I can’t NOT gain weight and truly live.

On the outside..I’m like a lazy piece of something else….but on the inside? I am working HARD.

So, I remember that. It helps me … and I want anyone who reads this to remember that NO ONE knows what anyone goes through on the daily.

I may be lacking in many areas right now in terms of living life to the fullest BUT I am doing the most important work in what will enable me to live a full life.

 

123…publish. Whatevers.

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Parking, Parking Everywhere…..

Parking, Parking Everywhere…..

And not a spot to park.

We got some flooding last weekend courtesy of Tropical Storm Isaac.
Stopping at the store was a novel adventure – the parking lot was underwater.

People were parked all willy-nilly.

 

I have to admit I felt very proud of my genius parking skills….and my gymnastics background.

 

I just opened the door and took it balance beam style on the curb to where the dry land was.

That’s balance-skillz right there.

Genius, right?

I normally wouldn’t mind a shallow puddle but I was wearing one of my favorite set of kickers. They have reflectors that get shiny!

Cheap thrills…anyways. 

I’ve been doing a lot of balancing in general it seems.

As a result,  I am feeling much more steady and stable. 
Grounded.
Sturdier. Stronger.
*gulp*
 

Healthier.

*deep breath*

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Break Me Off Some

Uh-oh. I’m about to get personal and stuff.
I’ve been feeling stupid overwhelmed for a while.

Yes, stupid overwhelmed. Because really? I have it easy. My life is underwhelming if anything. It’s stupid. Yet- I can’t deny it.

I’ve been overwhelmed something stupid.
Rendered useless. Frozen. Paralyzed.

By…what? By life? Really, Missy? Get a grip. I know. Yet, the feeling remains. I can’t explain it, I don’t know why I’m writing about it, but there is release in expression.

I have a feeling this overwhelmity has a lot to do with the changes I’m faced with and the actions I’m taking to move toward recovering my sanity around food and getting my life back.

More specifically, how I feel about them. I’m more determined, more willing to face the fear, more disgusted with what I have allowed myself to become then I’ve ever been. That’s overwhelming in and of itself.

 
This is my food journal. Where I write down what I eat everyday.

This is the back of my food journal, where I tear the previous day’s entry off and start “fresh” because I messed up. I’ve done this every day so far. Yup. Not even one day under the belt.

 

I am motivated, hopeful….. and terrified.
I am making goals and plans, gaining knowledge …. and – I have no idea what to do. I do good things for myself and feel pride… and feel incredibly discouraged and devastated with each slip.

It’s a bunch of contradicting – though not conflicting – emotions and thoughts.

And Fear. Always there. Always coming up again. Terrified.

Then there is life.

Time with God. Bills. Food. Zoe. Decisions. Filing. Peace. Recovery. Friends. Chores. Food. Family Drama. Kimchi. Nutrition.  TV. Food. Internet. Glitter. Therapy. Netflix. Food. Meetings. Blogs. Work. Yoga. Exercise. Food. Facebook. Apartment fees. Peanut Butter. Emails. Food. Food. Kimchi. Gas prices. Butterflies. Haircut. Dentist. Food. Crayons. Food. Car making Funny Sound. Work. Career. Swimming. Organizing. Meal Plan. Nutrition. Money. Savings. Food. Reading. Laughing. Body. Rainbows. Food. Sparkly. Blessings. Poop. Vacuum Repairs. PB&J. Church. Smiles. Tears. 

I feel like my brain is multi-tasking – which we all know is only efficient until it crosses the line and renders you entirely incompetent.

So in order to avoid a Breakdown,

I’m going to Break It Down and Break Me Off.

(No…not like that you dirty birdies)

In other words – I’m prioritizing and cutting off the things that bear no fruit in my life until I feel a bit more grounded and balanced.

Bye Facebook. Bye Blogs. Bye Pinterest. I’ve got to let God do some pruning.

 

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