Thank Goodness Yesterday Was Thursday Or, TGYWT! <—with necessary exclamation point. It’s that time again. Because TGIF is so 1989. Because I love me a good acronym.
I then use each letter to write about something and post it on the internet. Because that makes sense.
Tell me how lucky I am - I won this new phone on Katie’s blog!! Sometimes I like to take a break from winning and win some stuff. LOL.
I finally get to do the cool phone things all the cool-phone-having people do.
Glitter wallpaper may be too much of an awesome thing.
I probably shouldn’t even know about this…
These, on the other hand, are dazzling. I mean….stop it. Make it stop. *swoon*
You. Just be you. Find out who you really are – not who you want to be. Cultivated personalities are painfully transparent.
When you just CAN’T EVEN with somebody….
Thanksgiving is coming and I want to share a memory. It’s going to be long – get your scroll finger ready. LOL. (I’m pretty much bearing my soul here and I’m not going to scrutinize what I write for how it might be interpreted. So bear with me).
Holiday dinners can be complicated for those with eating dis-order. As for myself? They’re not that big of a stress…. perhaps because I’m not tempted much by the traditional fare and I’m always offered “Missy friendly” options. That may be a controversial approach, I understand, but I don’t think of it as family enabling. I think of it as kind – and really a non-issue for me in my pursuit of recovery. But who knows? My mind is always open.
What does trouble me to think about is how my niece and nephew have grown up witnessing my food choices in tandem with my eating dis-order. I just don’t know what to make of that. Well, there’s nothing really TO make of that. Yes, it motivates me to get better but dang if this mess isn’t hard to beat.
It bothers me particularly when it comes to my niece. I can’t explain the special place in my heart I have for her… it is like a soul connection.
I stumbled across this picture a few years after it was taken and it immediately took me right back to the moment.
Besides the sheer joy and privilege of sitting next to my niece (I lived in Texas at the time and didn’t see her as much), what I vividly recall is a moment when she spontaneously took her little finger and traced the prominent vein in my arm while we were sitting. (You could press on it and watch the blood fill the vein back up #stupidhumantricks.)
I was (and still am) ashamed of “the vein-thing.” It’s not normal and it’s freaky looking but mostly because I know why it’s there. My flush of embarrassment quickly turned to the realization of the gravity my eating dis-order may have on a growing young girl. It pained me then and … it pains me now. My motivation to recover has still not eclipsed the stronghold of what holds me back.
To think she has never – in her LIFE – seen me eat a “dessert.” Ever.
It’s just….what would that be like? What does that do? The entire situation really weighs me down even though I know as an Aunt and a person I’m super awesome. There is always gonna be that element in my life-file. I watch what I say very carefully and I will smack her silly if she ever goes on a diet and I’ve always told her how beautiful she is…etc. But…at the end of the day actions speak louder than words.
To this day, I still scramble to sit beside her at the table. There is always plain difference between my plate and the other plates at the table and for the most part? That’s just me and I’m at peace with my dietary preferences (the ones that aren’t “behaviors” that is).
There’s one spinach casserole that I struggle with (which is a behavior because DANG I love that stuff) and challenged myself with last year. I’m looking forward to having it this year, as well.
This year I am also planning on making dessert for my vegan nephew. I’m thinking — even if I don’t have a sweet tooth – maybe it would be nice for my family’s sake to see me eat a dessert and taste whatever it is I’m gonna make.
I’m not able to be a healthy role model now – but I can make an effort to be with little actions in the meanwhile.
My niece, by the way – and you know I watch her like a HAWK – seems perfect. I think there may be NO better person to detect the smoke signals and warning signs of dis-ordered eating than someone who’s lived it.
Today’s Prompt for NHBPM is “Tell a descriptive story about a memory.” I chose to take one of my two days off yesterday as I needed a serious reconnaissance with ME.
Previous posts can be found here.
Read Full Post »