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Archive for the ‘My Metamorphosis’ Category

My Pad

For the two people who requested them. Here is the condo before I moved my life in…my furniture for now looks awkward anyway. Lol.       

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Posted from my phone. It looks different IRL. I suck at photos and take everything with my phone.

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My Pad

For the two people who requested them. Here is the condo before I moved my life in…my furniture for now looks awkward anyway. Lol.       

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Posted from my phone. It looks different IRL. I suck at photos and take everything with my phone.

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Can I just……

(*&^^&$%$#$#lions TYFGVtireHGV JB G%^#%^#$*%^ )&*BY YGtigers%&#%E$ (OTGFH X%$@#Q #$E*I^&T*()&GbearsH ^B&*(PH&button(%RVC$^ ohmy#QWJ HBpurpleTURV^%$Runicorn (T^*) &*_& gearT%^ ED*%lamp^B N(^) *&MN(UM*)<{K()*KIlotion<{IMHT&(FB*^%VE* %$StypeX&%VBR^F ^*GIO^*T 8t7gn ohnenejgk uybKTGNM*(^N)&y-what?

phew.

I feel better…no…wait…

*&^&%^$. &%^*YG.      &^u 

There.

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What is happening?

All the things.
All the things are happening.

All at once, all the time.

And I’m like:

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Actually, my life is very simple. I know this. BUT.

I am moving on the 24th; into my first home no less. There have been some serious changes at work that I am excited/stressed about as well as several large projects keeping me busy, new co-workers and DBAs. Lots of change.

On a personal level I am overwhelmed with change….my body (duh), my mind, my thoughts, my opinions, my tastes, my feelings…. are all changing and evolving.  Radically.


I don’t even know.

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It’s just… everything feels like happening.

Now.

I have gotten rid of over 300 books and more than 1/2 of my wardrobe ( much easier when nothing comes even close to fitting.)

I’m getting rid of stuff and moving on from a lot of things…

including this blog.

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I’m starting fresh on a new blog. I’ve had fleeting thoughts about it over the past two months. But blogging isn’t something I spend a lot of time contemplating… like I always say, this blog writes itself. Once again, this blog is writing itself a new chapter.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about self-hosting and pimping myself out and trying to gain readership and pageviews and actually write something cohesive so my blog made sense. NO. It’ll be me, on another WordPress template just doing my thing. S-O-S.

Except, more emphasis on the “S-O” and less of the “S.”

In the past I never understood when a person talked about starting a new blog, but now I do.

It was REALLY weird for me to think about blogging again… I never really thought about blogging in the first place.  As I was contemplating names and whatever it felt SO stupid to me. Like… why blog?

It became obvious to me: Stop blogging here or stop blogging.

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I like having a blog. So.

Things fell into place in my mind- organically. That was important because I can’t/won’t force anything. A “name” came to me. It’s stupid. I don’t care. Don’t worry, it’s not “Sparkles and Peanut Butter.”

Although…. I would definitely check out a blog with that name for sure. Any-

It will still just be “my blog” that I have and keep doing me the same way as I do over here.

 

I’m not gonna be like “Beautiful Struggle?”:

who was that

Same girl, same blog, just a little fresher.

I hope all my friendlies will stick with me.

See ya in October (or sooner).

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Last year I wrote that I never wanted to forget how I spent Memorial Day Weekend. I was weak, ill, and contemplating going to Urgent Care or the ER.  Scary sick. I wanted to cement that fear in my memory – I knew my tendency to get glossified and gitterized — distracted when it comes to the severity of my situation.

I didn’t forget.
I thought about it a lot this weekend…

When I swam 2500 meters (that’s 100 laps).

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(#NinjaStyle)

When I contemplated what classes I might register for…because this might actually happen.

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Unlike last year, I have more than enough energy to get out of bed. Physically. Yet it’s pretty much the last thing I want to do.

I need to be honest.
I in NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM feel this weekend was any better than last. Really.

My body is no longer close to death – but I feel like I am. Emotionally, spiritually, socially… I am devastated.  Going into details here won’t serve me any good, I have plenty of outlets to express this stuff.

But it’s important that I let some of it show on my blog, lest I make it all look too easy. I am going through TORTURE. Everyday.

BUT I am here doing it.
Swimming. Dancing.
Seeing Beauty and Light.

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That’s just the way I am.

PS- My eye feels better. Must have been a rogue scratch or something from the chlorine?
PPS- I am not closing comments like I normally would because… what is there to say, right? But you can take my quiz!

1. Ever taken dance classes? (I have taken acro, ballet, tap, jazz and bellydance. I’ve popped in to a few Zumbas but couldn’t last because I was too weak. )
2. Do you swim for exercise?

3. Any big changes between your last Memorial Day and now?

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I have such beautiful friends.
And yes, if you are reading this count yourself in.

Because without blogging…

It takes a good friend to read my ridiculousness – and if you enjoy it?
Well then you’re just as special as I am.

We obviously have something in common, which is why I want to share this amazing gift my friend Debbie surprised me with.

Debbie stopped by randomly with the sweetest, encouraging card and one of her favorite photos (she’s a great photog).

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I was so touched by the beautiful message in the card – but blown away when she explained what she saw in the picture.

The peacock is looking at it’s reflection – but look at what he sees.

Despite seeing the beautiful colors in the world … his image remains stark. In shadow.
Just take a moment and look at what he is seeing of himself.

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And yet….

There is so much that he is missing.

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Don’t we all have a little bit of that Peacock inside?
We, as humans, are so easily deceived by our own self-evaluation.

It’s heartbreaking how we can be so blind to our own amazing beauty. And how sometimes that blindspot can leads us to behaviors and attitudes that harm us.

We are all Children of God, or for those who prefer –

Birds of a Feather.
What I’m saying is….we’re all unicorns peacocks.

Unless….you can be a unicorn. Then for sure do that.

I hope you remember this whole “peacock thing” at a time when you feel anything less than WHO you really are and what you’re capable of. 

Also —

You need to know that while contemplating a clever title for this post I naturally thought of incorporating Peanut Butter …….

but then:

Pea(nut butter)cock.

I’m ruined for a while. I know I say “peanut butter on ALL the things!” but…no.

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Hey ya’ll.

So. Another week come and gone with no blogwriting-mojo but here I am now.
Just gonna flow … stream of consciousness …

Try not to drown.

One of the reasons why I enjoy to write here is because I enjoy YOU. Who is “you,” you ask? YOU. Yes you.
Your comments and friendlies and the fact that for the most part you GET me.

That being said…

 


Yup. Still hanging around here in meh-sville (which as I write this I am realizing is the same neighborhood as ME-sville and yes I am so all up in myself right now it’s pathetic.)

 

I realize to everything a season and that I must be feeling this way with reason and for purpose. But still…
Not a cool place to be.

Especially for me.

I’m usually able to find the bright side, the sunny side, the rainbows…

Or, you know…I eat my way there.

Sigh.

 

My cutest friendly ‘”brick house” Katie shared some great quotes the other day – one of which was:

 

 

And me – in my meh-sville/me-sville “mememe” mental mode – got personal in her comments section.

“I have a whole mental “thing” about that word. Since High School I’ve always said…

“I just don’t know how to be”

My friends would ask “how to be … what?” or “how to be ..when?”

And I’m like…

“No … I just don’t know how to just be.”

I’m always and have always been shifting and thinking and swirling …

wondering, wandering, waiting, wanting…

I long to be.

Just BE.

Breathe and God’s Presence takes me to that place every.single.time.

So, the “be” thing is amplified about eleventy gazillion percent toi the ninth power with this weight gain and body discomfort. Which – is necessary should I choose top recover.

This is always ALWAYS my breaking point and I am devoting so much energy to BE-ing in this skin.

My friend Rachel has been helping me, allowing me to share the specifics and she wrote something to me that really moved me.

And then she made it a picture for me to have.

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I’m trying to learn to dance in my own skin despite the discomfort.

That’s all.

No –wait! I’m not done yet.

Peanut Butter is delicious.

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One of the most difficult questions you could ever ask me is

“How are you?”

Such a loaded question. Most often asked on auto-pilot. I’ve never known how to answer it, which is usually what I tell people when they ask. 

I used to bust out my Big Gay Al….

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But it’s not 1997 anymore and well…it’s lost on most people. (But not “my people”… if you know what I mean. We know what’s what.)

So for the past decade or so I have resorted to simply stating..

I am

“I am.”

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That’s how I be.

It’s probably lost on most people. (Weirdo)

But Whatever. Totally Fine.

Because if I started to get into it….

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Girl? Put away your serious. Ain’t nobody wanna see that.

…I might hit you with something like this:

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Is it July yet? I knew June was going to be hard, but this is just nasty.
I have been in THE funk to end all funks …. and I’m not talking George Clinton P-funk. Nope.

I’ve been breathing and being and smiling and taking each day at a time, yet I’m unable to escape the underlying stench of stankazz funk just festering inside. Yuck.

This weekend it all came to a crescendo, like a tsunami. (Does anyone say tidal wave anymore or did that go out of style too?)

The funk did what it had to do, leaving me a washed up wreck for a bit. I’m all soggy and stuff but at least the worst is over? I keep thinking all of this turmoil is part and parcel of a deeper transformation. For the better.

Now that I’m over the crest, I feel a bit more able to move onwards and upwards….get my good funk on.

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Heehee.

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My blog’s been stagnant.

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stag·nant/ˈstagnənt/

Adjective:

  1. Having no current or flow and often having an unpleasant smell as a consequence. (<—- That’s probably from all the kimchi and onions I eat)
  2. Showing no activity; dull and sluggish:
  3. characterized by lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement

My blog is a reflection of my life.

Do the math. If A=B and B=C……..

My life = STINKING STAGNANT. Yup.

Unfortunately, the adage “still waters run deep” does not apply.

I’m simply. just. inert.

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And it’s getting all mentallydetrimentally up in here.

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Seriously.

I’m taking pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror again.

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Enough said.

So.  Now what?

In High School Physics I learned the Law of Inertia.

Things at rest tend to stay at rest; things in motion tend to stay in motion.

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So I declare today (01.12.12) my day of gaining MOMENTUM. No matter what it takes, I have to get my *assterisk* in grooving gear.

Outside Force” myself into motion.

Do stuff. Get stuff done. Write more. Blog More. Venture out. Explore more. Cook more. More Challenges. More variety. More motion.

And LESS stagnation.

  • Any tips, suggestions, questions and double-dog dares would be much appreciated because I have no idea where to start.
  • Because of today’s date, this Beastie song has been in my head:

I do a TIGHT Karaoke to this song.

 

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Earlier this week I read this post by Sophia. As always, her thought-provoking writing stirred a response in me. I spontaneously wrote a comment which I have been thinking about ever since and I want to remember it. Here it go:

 

What kind of recovery stage do I think I am in right now?

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Ouch. Tough one. A bunch of answers come to mind immediately:

Gathering Courage stage, going backward stage, wtf stage, letting god work stage, realizing I can’t only He can stage….
who am I? stage…

But you know what?

I’m not even on “the stage of recovery” right now. I can’t lie.

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I am in the dressing room…waiting for The Director to say “places, please.” God is behind the scenes doing all sorts of set work and prop building and casting, though. I know that.

I’m memorizing my lines (Finding myself in Him and His Word) and getting into Character. I am in wardrobe (casting off old robes and putting on his new robes) and building the Confidence I need to make my debut when the curtain comes up again.

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The first time? I wrote the script myself and the play bombed. I got some good practice, some good exposure and some street cred. But guess what? I landed a part in a big-time, for real deal production. One with a long history of results, and the most POWERFUL playwright and producer of all time.

 

  • What stage are you on (in life, in recovery, in spiritual growth…etc.

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I wasn’t always lost. I once knew exactly where I was headed in life, or at least who I was headed there with.

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We fell in love in 1999, my Junior year of college, and moved in together that Summer. We liked to travel and I spent many many hours beside him in his truck. Just the two of us (and our dog Zoe).

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We were creating memories – “Our Life Together: The Early Years.”

I couldn’t wait to tell the kids about it.

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I assumed we’d be together forever and the feelings were mutual.

I pretty much considered myself part of his family. His parents even came to my graduation.

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After graduating, we moved to Austin, TX – where we had dreamed of living for years. We were ready to start building our futures.

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Life was good. Did I have issues? Oh, yes. I did. So did he.

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But I was healthier and happier.

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Love makes everything better.

Until it can’t anymore.

I wrote here about a dramatic weight loss coinciding with a relationship blow-out. That was 2004 – the last year I spoke to the boyfriend formerly known as “The One.”  It was mutual. Our relationship had crumbled; our separation was necessary. Necessary but painful.

What hurt most was when he completely cut-me off. I didn’t stalk him or anything, but I’m the type who likes to be on friendly terms (After a certain amount of time has passed). Not everyone can be friends with their ex. I understand that. He made it clear. 

But complete severance from someone who I shared so much with for 6 years? It hurt. The dead silence.  It wounded me.  Devastated me.

He was my family. My best friend.

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I felt I’d been erased.

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Like a mistake.

My Aunt Trudy keeps saying “It was that guy. I think he took your heart and tore it up and you’ve never been the same.”

I shrug it off. I’m at peace with things. He didn’t hurt me. Our relationship just had to end. I’m over him and wish him all the best goodies in life. My present day issues have nothing to do with an old boyfriend.

Yet, a certain song can bring me to tears every.single.time.

That’s not normal. I don’t think of him when I hear this song – but I feel the pain that took root in my heart back then.  The rejection, the loss, the loneliness, the self-doubt.

I’ve reached an epiphany.

My Aunt is right. I’m broken hearted. Still.

I’m over HIM but I’m not over IT.

The rejection I felt (and feel) has infected me. It’s not about him. It’s not about our relationship. It’s about the wound. I never took care of it, so it never healed.

It’s post traumatic relationship syndrome.*

I’m happy I’ve realized this, because once we know something is broken we can set about finding the scattered remains and piecing it together again.  

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No, my issues today have nothing to do with an ex-boyfriend but EVERYTHING to do with a wounded heart. <—God-shaped hole 

*Not sure if that is a real-deal condition but it should be, Amen?

 

  • Have you had an epiphany like this? Ever realize that you’ve been carrying hurt or anger from something that happened in your past?

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