Three Meals | Three Questions | Three Minutes of Your Time

Surrrrrrveeeeeyyyyyyzzzzzz.

Because you care. I’m half-joking and half serious. I mean – I read them on other blogs and I used to LOVE slam books in elementary school (remember those?). I know I’m not the only quirk who has a passing interest in what shampoo a person uses.

Soooooo here I go with a survey I saw on Amanda’s blessing of a blog. Eating three real-deal meals a day is something I have to work hard on… this is like an extra-credit assignment.

Three Meals, Three Questions

Breakfast

1. Favorite cereal as a child?

Several.

 

General Mills Corn Flakes > Kellogg’s.

I also ate a lot of Rice Krispies (Sog city!). My mom was not a fan of the more sugary cereals…so neither was I. Plus my dad always said if I wanted frosted flakes just add sugar to my corn flakes. It was cheaper that way.

But we had our family’s “special treat” and I – heck I STILL drool over [the idea of eating] this stuff.

2. Coffee or tea? With milk or without?

I’m not a fan of hot drinks so I’m-a roll with iced tea…

 
Coffee just turns me off but I do go through phases. I like my coffee iced, flavored with lots of sweetener and almond milk … lets just call it a milkshake. And you know…I don’t have much of a sweet tooth.

Although recently I have been a coffee girl. Because of this:

And I can even drink it black.

3. The one food you eat most often at breakfast?

EGGS. Actually, Egg yolks are … complicated. Egg whitez and Beaterz.

What would I do without them? I really hope I don’t lose my appetite for them as I have with dairy. Hard Boiled are already a turn-off.

Eggs. Such a funny word. Such a funny ..food.

 Lunch

1. Sandwiches are generally considered a “lunch food.” If you had to choose between a grilled cheese and a peanut butter and jelly, which would you pick?

This is just the most ridiculous question anyone could ask me.

Enough said.

 

2. You can only put four ingredients in your salad (not including greens); what do you throw in the mix? Additionally, which greens and dressing do you pick?

Only Four? RUDE.  Mine would be Onion, Black Pepper, Salt (substitute style) and blanched asparagus. For greens I LOVE iceberg, arugula and my favorite salad blend:

Dressing? No thanks….but sometimes. Its hard to find sugar free and making my own requires…work. I like these ones:

   
Annie’s Organic Green Garlic, Newman’s Own Lite Italian and Naturally Fresh Ginger.

3. One food you can’t live without at lunch?

To be honest, I can and have lived without “lunch.” But not very well. Whatever it is though it absolutely HAS to have produce. Vegetables especially. At least something green.

   

 

Dinnaz!

1. It’s the end of the day. You’re tired, hungry, and your fridge is empty. If a fast food (from a chain) is your only option, where do you go and what do you order?

Honestly? This would never happen. I hoard food. If I was too tired to cook or whatever I would most likely go to the supermarket for pre-cooked shrimp, salad or sushi. Whole Foods…if I’ve got a dime or 250.

 

BUT…let me think… I guess…. fast-food-chain wise I would head to Panera or Chipotle if there was one nearby (I ate at Panera once) or Subway and get a salad …maybe with a veg burger. I’m difficult (understatement). For now.

2. TV/computer on or off while you’re eating?

I’d love to say differently but TV ON. On the floor. Off a tray. LOL. I live alone. It’s no big deal. I mean – look at how much fun she’s having…

 
When I am with people or family however….TV OFF or I get stone cold ragey.

3. The one food you eat most often at dinner?

This. I eat asparagus about 363 days a year and have done so for YEARS. Really. Yes, really.  I think it’s a bit of a thing if you know what I mean.

Ditto onion.  Always onions. Lots of onions. It reeks (literally. ha.) of disorderly conduct. But for now? Least of my worries. Onions and asparagus and proteins. Sometimes I add other veggies…but only sometimes.

 
You’d think these were the same meal different photos. Oh but no. This is how I live. Asparagus. Every day. Years. No lie. My pee doesn’t even smell anymore.

PS::Those Morning Star Veggie Chik’n things? Yeah. That was (was!!) a big deal HUGE thing. But more on that some other day.
PPS:: I’d apologize for the crassnast pics but that would imply that I’m sorry.
PPPS:: Who the heck am I talking to? lol.
PPPPS::I should take a photograph of my humbling dining alone regime. Because….

• Answer one of the questions. If you want.
• If you do this survey on your own blog let m know..I wanna read it. Please use pictures though. You know how I am…lol.

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evocative, provocative quote:

evocative provocative quote:

Let your head be more than a funnel to your stomach.
~German Proverb.

does this elicit any emotions, thoughts, memories, current struggles, or “aha” moments for you?

for me this quote resonates like, whoa– so often the few inches between my ears are entirely dedicated and consumed by food…especially when i am not nourishing myself properly. i feel that my life will always be somewhat food-centric; i can accept this to a certain degree. but sometimes it gets out of hand and the experience is very shameful.

except my mind is more like this: 

 
seriously!

the quote concisely sums up what it is like to have food&co be the constant muzak of your mind, and how wasteful and wrong that is.

another reason i emote to this quote (rhyme!) is in regards to mindless eating. i think we all know about that, huh? even though i am no longer prone to the complete numb-blank-time warp horror of a binge, for example, there are CERTAINLY times i look down and i’m like…"wait..what?"

this is me, oh….nine times out of ten nine when i eat popcorn.

 for the past year or so i have been studying the physiological benefits of eating with awareness using several techniques– such as macrobiotic-like chewing, BREATHING (<– that’s huge for me), and staying present on my physical sensations during a meal (which is scary at first sometimes still). 

i notice my digestion improves, as does my entire well-being (emotional, mental, physical…etc).  my body is more ready to receive and incorporate the nourishment from the food when i practice eating in an "enlightened" manner. (no, i haven’t been able to turn off the TV. i’m not superwoman..)

but maybe if i master the art of mindful eating i’ll fart stars?

the more i eat with a mindful, relaxed and ready spirit, the more i get really uncomfortable after realizing i’ve eaten without awareness. it really sucks.

where is her bowl? what is going on?

i aim for at least one meal a day when i choose to consciously practice healthy eating (or try to). i don’t want to obsess, and also it’s hard! but just the occasional choice to practice has had a residual effect on the rest of my meals.

i hope to write more about my forays into this practice – but please note if you are a recovered or current eating-disordered individual and excruciating meal rituals and prolonging meal times (taking two hours to eat and stuff)…this isn’t something to worry about right now.

(i am under the weather big time and just re-posting something i wrote in one of the Facebook Groups i belong to…hence the all-lowercase font which i have succumbed to in emails, comments and whatnot. i’m trying not to let it invade my blog, though. we’ll see.)

PS- true factoid—i really don’t use the word fart, i call it fluffing. i was raised that way.

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No Sugar. No Flour. No Apologies.

 Let me clear my throat.

*ahem*

People trying to convince me to eat sugar or flour — I just don’t get it. It’s the same as urging a vegetarian to eat meat. Unnecessary. Annoying.

It really fizzles my sparkle.

Back off! You know?

I live sugar-free and flour-free and I’m proud.*

*feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something, contented, satisfied 

I have firm beliefs about both of these things, beliefs that have been reinforced by solid research and fact. I have no desire to eat more sugar than I do, which is a miniscule amount.

It is what I (<—Me, Melissa Ann Miller) choose, NOT my eating disorder.

It works for me. I don’t believe anyone needs sugar or flour in a healthy diet.

Natural sugars and carbs? Yes. 

  

Grains? Maybe.

Sugar and Flour? Not so much.

I would say not at all.

I admit my current “diet” and lifestyle is not healthy, but disordered eating and living are the culprits– not sugar and flour avoidance.

I don’t eat dogs, either. But I do not consider that a "rule" and I certainly don’t think that is disordered.

I don’t think I should consider eating dogs. I don’t want to eat them, and I am doing quite fine without.

I’m no Doctor and no advocate. I don’t proselytize my beliefs on anyone. Eat whatever you want.

Eat Sugar.

Eat Flour.

Eat a dog.

I’ll eat whatever I want, too.

PS- Except Maybe don’t eat a dog.

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I Eat Like a Cow

My Dad told me I eat like a cow.

Oh no he di’int.

Oh yes. He did. And he’s right. My father is a wise man.

Let me explain.

After abandoning my meal plan, I slowly developed a habit of eating “a little of this” and “a little of that” throughout the day. I don’t label it as snacking, it’s more like grazing.

Couple of tomato slices? Don’t mind if I do.

You know what sounds good? An egg white and a pickle.

I’ve wanted to write about this for a while but I was reluctant to be “that girl” with pictures like these on her blog.

I eat what I want (or what I think I want) all day long and I don’t feel like I’m restricting (or am I?)

Consuming mass quantities of broccoli, cauliflower and ketchup is normal, right?

Doesn’t everyone crave daikon radish with himilayan sea salt?

 

I eat like this all day long. Really. ALL. DAY. LONG.

Thus prompting my father’s cow comment.

“In order to get as big as they are, cows eat all day long. That’s all they do, all they think of, they exist to eat. Because all they eat is grass. Grass has no calories.”

No wonder I’m so miserable, so obsessed with food. You have to eat a lot of grass to grow a big…er…cow.

The “snacks” I’m eating are lacking in many ways. First and foremost? Calories! When I do sit down for dinner, I have to admit the calories are still lacking.

Where does this leave me?

Unsatisfied, ashamed of my frequent trips to the kitchen, and very unproductive. My dad is also my boss. Trust me, he notices.

He even told a client “She eats all day – never stops – just 5 calories at a time.”

Enough is enough. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m bingeing and purging and gaining weight because of it. Unhealthy weight. And I’m still hungry.

I don’t want to be a cow anymore.

It’s time for me to get back into regular meal eating and that takes planning and that means…..dundundun…meal plan.

Sigh.

• Is it hard for you to plan your meals? It’s so laborious to me.
• What is the weirdest comment you’ve gotten about your eating habits?

 

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Metabolism Mojo

Think of the word “metabolism.”

For most people, the words “fast” and “slow” are quick to come to mind. Words like thin, weight, and body are sure to follow.

But I’ve adopted a better definition and appreciation for my metabolism since reading The Slow Down Diet . 

Metabolism is simply the total of all chemical reactions in the body.

Rid the word of its emotional baggage and picture something like this:

Not this:

We metabolize many things, not just calories. We metabolize substances like drugs or cholesterol. We even metabolize experiences and emotions. We metabolize all sensory inputs: fear, dreams, relaxation, friendships, loud noises, anger….etc.

I believe metabolism occurs on all levels of our being: body, mind, emotion and spirit.

That being said, who wouldn’t want a stronger metabolism? Greater energy, emotional stability, clear thinking, better health, happier outlook, fit body…all good things.

From the book:

We can only achieve and sustain optimum metabolism when we eat, exercise and live under an optimal emotional state. Our frame of mind directly impacts metabolism to such a degree that what we think and feel profoundly influences how we digest a meal.

Metabolic power is not only about what you eat but who you are when you’re eating. And it’s not merely about how many calories you burn but how inspired you are by life. ~M. David.

The book encourages you to take 8 weeks and follow 8 lessons to boost your metabolic power and not a single one smacks of diet advice.

I’m working on my metabolism mojo!

Soon I’ll be lifting small Asian Toddlers with one hand. 
While eating my breakfast. And smiling. How inspired.

I HAD to include this image because….really? What the…huh?

This is the first time I’ve committed to following nutrition/eating advice from a book. I usually incorporate the knowledge into my lifestyle seamlessly. This time, I’m actually going to follow the eight week program. (Unless I forget or change my mind).

 

• Interested? You can follow along as I write about each lesson (if you want).
• What comes to mind when you think of the word metabolism?
• Do you enjoy reading nutrition and diet books? I like to read them for sport. I tend to read the books that don’t offer diet plans, just nutritional education.

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“Meal Plan” – Day Old Bread

Nothing to see here. I’m posting my old “Daily Bread” page in order to consign it for posterity. My attitude and diet have changed since I wrote this and the page was getting stale.

(Its long and boring. I’d skip it if I were you)

My Diet

As in:

1 a : food and drink regularly provided or consumed b : habitual nourishment c : the kind and amount of food prescribed for a person or animal for a special reason

Not:

d : a regimen of eating and drinking sparingly so as to reduce one’s weight <going on a diet>

The  Short of It

• No Sugar (this includes ALL sugar, honey, brown rice syrup, agave nectar…etc).

• No Flour (if it has the word “flour” under the ingredients I don’t eat it. Brown rice flour, whole grain wheat flour…etc).

• Weigh and Measure all Food

• 3 meals, 2-3 snacks daily

• Mostly Vegetarian  (lacto-ovo-pescatarian)

• Cheese and eggs but no milk

• The least number of ingredients the better — even better if all of them are recognizable; if it has no label even better.

The Long of It

Two years ago I went to a treatment center for eating disorders,  Milestones in Recovery , where a dietician designed a food plan for me. I fought my way in as an outpatient, though they felt my situation required residential. I’m a stubborn little caterpillar.

The facility’s diet plan is based on Food Addicts Anonymous, which entails absolutely NO SUGAR and NO FLOUR. They don’t believe we need to eat cookies and cake in order to recover from an eating disorder. They believe it’s possible for someone recovering from ED to live the rest of their life without a pop-tart and be still be recovered. I agree.

Hearing this was a HUGE factor in my decision to go- Huge.

Rather than being served, you buy your own food and prepare your own meals — as long as they follow the dictates on your meal plan. It’s a fantastic idea, if you ask me. You learn about nourishing yourself/preparing food/recognizing proper portions and this is invaluable after you leave treatment.

So: No Sugar, No Flour, 3 Meals, 3 Snacks — Specific allotments of protein, veg, carbs, and fat. At first, I was like “I got this! Everything in my apartment is sugar-free and whole grain.”

Then I got home with the list of sugars and realized even my “sugar-free” jelly had sugar. I quickly took the recommendations to eat nothing with sugar higher than the 5th ingredient to extremes. I refused anything with sugar on the label whatsoever. Even if it said less than 1%.

There was hidden sugars in my celestial seasonings tea, my seasonings, nuts – I was surprised. It was everywhere. (And I was no dummy, mind you.)

I’d been on a “sugar-free” diet for ages! I read the nutrition facts (calories, carbs, sugars…etc) and looked for no-sugar added and sugar-free on the packaging. But you really have to look at the ingredients and know all the different names of sugar in order to go sugar free.

I knew about sugar in salad dressing, spaghetti sauce and ketchup, but in Worchestershire sauce? Sugar-free Yogurt? Veggie burgers? Often these products list O g sugar on the label and that is where most sugar-concious Americans look.

Off to my parent’s house where I unload a box full of sugar-free, low-fat, whole grain and other seemingly innocuous food (trail mix (no dried fruit), popcorn (not advised), whole wheat pasta (No Flour). I also told them I had to get a food scale. They were … very uncomfortable. (My daughter is anorexic and you’re putting her on a diet?) but very supportive.

I have yet to follow the meal plan letter-for-letter in terms of quantity (3 snacks say what?). I have certainly relaxed a bit in terms of food combining. It might be okay to eat a meal without fat, you know? Let’s not get obsessed about macronutrients.

(they were so weird about snacks. It had to be fruit and protein or dairy and veggie. I asked, “Can I just have a yogurt with nuts?” “No…you can have yogurt with cucumbers?”  I was seriously underweight…you think they’s tell me to eat the nuts!)

Mind you – the dietician at the time was filling in for the regular dietician, who has a cult-like following among everyone who has crossed her path. You have to give props to any dietician whose eating disorder patients (even anorexics) are in love with. I want to hire her when I save enough money.

After I left Milestones, I started taking so many “liberties” …I eventually began eating erratically and that just ends up bad. Very unbalanced.

Now I am hoping to get back on track — eating regular meals and snacks in proper portions that include fats and carbs.

I have never strayed from the the No Sugar – No Flour idea. For two reasons:

1. I ate this way, educated myself about nutrition, and began to feel so much better. Everything I read made perfect, almost biblical sense. I am a total advocate. I just hate the idea of processed foods. The stuff that is engineered to masquerade as food in this country is responsible for America’s Obesity epidemic and it sickens me.

2. There is most certainly a part of this that appeals to my disordered self.

We shall see.

Vegetarian — Ish

I stopped eating white meat in 6th grade, red meat in 8th…flirted with veganism for a few years in college. My eating choices were absolutely not the cause of my eating disorder, nor were my choices prompted by any sort of eating disorder. (However the two developed a very interesting, almost symbiotic relationship).

I was hospitalized for a week about 6 years ago and was severely malnourished. I agreed to try some animal protein. Anything to avoid the thrice weekly echiocardiograms I was getting. Plus, I was really hungry.

Chicken GROSSES me out (factory farming and disease) so that was a no. I will eat turkey about twice a year (preferably free-range organic). I eat cheese and yogurt but never drank milk after my vegan stint in college. I can’t do the milk thing. I drink soy or almond.

Seafood? Don’t even get me started. LOVE AT FIRST BITE. I can be quoted as saying “I am mostly vegetarian but one of my favorite foods is lobster.” How backwards is that? I know die-hard carnivores that swear Lobster-Meat is cruel. “How Could You eat That and not a Chicken?”

I have enough of a hard time feeding myself as it is, I really can’t handle thinking about cutting out more food right now. Your diet is a personal choice. I really don’t ever get ”preachy”. Eat it if you want. Just know what you are eating. 

Au Naturel – Real Food

Our bodies, minds, and souls are designed to consume food. Not FOOD-LIKE products. When we start adding chemicals, additives, refined corn and flour… it just messes everything up. Our bodies, our earth, our minds.  Messes us up. Period. That’s it. Ends there.

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Train, Hit by. (See also ME)

I just got spanked. HARD.

Cutting down on Diet Soda took me to school.

About three weeks ago, I began a mission to focus on improving my health. <—

I broke it off with my carbonated mistress,

And ended up here:

(Sunlight streaming through the window indicating the life I was missing)

Diet soda is a trickish witch.

Once I decided to cut my ties, she had me bare-butt across her knee in no time flat – just like that quiet, innocent friend in grade school who turned demonic when you got in a fight – knowing exactly your vulnerable spots, exactly to strike.

I had no idea I was so…addicted. So vulnerable.

Let me re-cap. I drank diet soda morning, noon and night. I’d wake up, chug Diet Mt. Dew and it wouldn’t stop until evening when I switched to caffeine-free diet sodas like Sprite Zero or Fresca. (Diet Cherry 7-Up was a particular favorite.) I wasn’t trying to “curb my appetite” or anything…it was just what I did. For years. Water? I’d go days without.

After ditching Diet Smack I experienced EXTREME FATIGUE. Body aches, chills, feverishness…it was gross. I woke up, I slept, I ate, I slept, I slept, I slept…I even called in sick to work one day.

I knew the whole time if I drank 8 oz of soda I would feel like a million bucks. That made me realize how nasty that crap is.

 

Nasty. Vicious. Witchy.

It wasn’t caffeine withdrawal…I’m drinking tea.

(and slowly weaning myself to the unsweetened variety)

It’s something chemical in that toxic sludge that I was addicted to. Freaky! Maybe I don’t eat enough and was fooled by the energy the soda gave me? I’ve been thinking about that a bunch.

It’s been THREE WEEKS and I’m still taking a beating. Yet, I’m slowly coming back to life.

Here’s what has helped:

Morning cocktail:

 

I’ve been drinking lukewarm water with lemon and apple cider vinegar each morning on an empty stomach. This helps me start the day right, reminds me I’m on a mission, makes me feel clean and energized.

No, this is not some crazy diet technique. If you’re interested to try, do not attempt this with standard ACV- you need raw and unfiltered.

 

I’ve also been taking advantage of sparkling waters, mineral waters, and seltzer. I’ve always loved mineral water, but the sodium makes me shy. Perrier is the lowest sodium content by the way.

And, you know, I’ve been drinking water.

 

Check out my cool headset! Sexy, no?

And these roses “the boss” got me for Valentine’s day. Aw….

 

Anyhow, conquering this addiction has been empowering and makes me psyched to do more. Once I realized how miserable I was trying to “get over” my habit, I found it repulsive. Recovery from any addiction or habit is probably the same way.

Going backwards is so unappealing.

Are you hitting the Diet Smack?

Stop now! (if you want)

• What are some habits and addictions you’ve struggled to break. Did you succeed?
• What are some things in your life you’d like to kiss goodbye?

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(Un)Healthy Tipping Point

 

Tipping Point: the moment of critical mass, the threshold, the boiling point…how little things can make a big difference. Malcolm Gladwell

I wrote > here < about a point in recovery where I could go either way, a precipice. It’s my own tipping point – and in the past it’s been my breaking point.

Thus, an un-healthy tipping point.

These are crucial moments where every single thing I do counts…

I’ve decided to focus on things that may bring balance into the equation, level the playing field. 

There are so many areas in my life that need improving. Rather than falling back on an eating disorder to make me feel better, I will focus on my health: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

For example:

*Cutting out carbonation….not carbs.

   

 *Lifting Weight, not losing weight.

 

*More Yoga, not more Cardio.

 

I’m finally strong enough to get back on the mat…I used to have a daily practice. And this picture will always make me giggle, but Light On Yoga by Iyengar = Must Read.

*Chewing my food more, not chewing less food.

(Bye Bye Food babies!)

*Laying off artificial sweeteners

not sweets.

*More water, less caffeine.

*Eating less processed foods, not less food.

  

*Accepting my body, not fighting it.

*Spending Less on Groceries, not buying less groceries.

Luxury or necessity?

By the way Kombucha fans..this stuff? (Below)

Don’t go there. Not really Kombucha. Loaded with sugar. I gave it to my mom.

*Focus on my growing relationship with God instead of my growing body.

*More looking to Him, not other people. <—

Especially about what to eat and not to eat.

Each day is full of opportunities to choose to live better -and feel better!

This could be my HEALTHY TIPPING POINT.

Who knows? Maybe my skin will clear up. Ever wonder why my face is red all the time? Rosacea.

•  Ever make a change in your habits to improve your health? What were the results?

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Vegan Recipe for Disaster

 

Hang with me on this one. It’s lengthy and personal but I have to get this out. Let this be a cautionary tale.

Vegan Recipe for Disaster

Ingredient1:

The first ingredient is a hefty amount of cottage cheese (not vegan). What?

 

In explanation, during the month of November I consumed MASSIVE amounts of cottage cheese. I never knew I liked it so much but that was all I wanted. I went with it. I RAN with it. I figured my body was craving calcium or protein.

Ingredient 2:

Ingredient number two cannot be purchased – persistent tummy issues<—. I didn’t have a belly-good day the whole month of November.

 

Finally enough was enough.. I decided to examine my diet.

Then it hit me like a ton of…Cottage cheese!

Eliminating food seemed “wrong” for me. A Big NO-NO in recovery. I tried scaling back. I tried lactose free.

 

Seriously what is this stuff? Not clean.

 

Belly boos persisted. I decided *light bulb*

Maybe I can handle RESTRAINING myself from certain foods without RESTRICTING.

I thought I could.

Ingredient 3.

I happened to be reading an amazing book touting a vegan, high-raw, alkalizing lifestyle. It was additional inspiration to clean up my diet- not only in terms of cottage cheese but all dairy.

Which meant goodbye to my staples: egg whites, veggie burgers, yogurt and seafood. Just for a little while!

Some veggie burgers are vegan, but highly processed.

 

Missing my beloved egg whites worried me most.

I drank my green juices for breakfast and carried on.

Just for a little while…

 

Cooking Instructions:

Place all ingredients in one big pot of Eating Disorder Recovery and mix.

 

Continue mixing, keeping an eye on the consistency of your recovery….

Until you get entirely mixed up.

 

Mixed up in the head.

It happens fast.

I started feeling wonky, weak and sick.

I wrote about it here <—

See my facebook status?

 

*Interesting side note. My Mom’s comment on my FB status that day was “Where’s the Beef?”  Hee..larious.

I kept making excuses, “Maybe I’m detoxing!” Yeah, right.

All the while, I was pumping toxins in my body via artificial sweeteners and other unmentionables. Not Clean.

I came to think of certain foods as dirty and yucky. Labeling them good or bad. Dairy seems mucousy. Cooked food was so much less-than.  I felt restricted, but at the same time I didn’t WANT those foods. Kind-of like when I fell into this whole anorexic mess. 

I began thinking of food in terms of Black & White.

Day and Night

Not a fun way to live life.

I felt like crap. I confessed to my Mom at one point…”I need to stop this vegan stuff but I feel like I can’t.”

It was weird.

Like my eating disorder put on a beret, adapted a French accent and disguised herself as her Parisian cousin.

 

I wasn’t restricting myself calorically and actually added a lot to my diet during all this. I wasn’t losing weight. Yet, I knew my feelings were not healthy. They were almost pre-orthorexic. *dundundun*

Scary shizzle!

I knew what I needed to do… and am slowly taking my nipping-stick and beating this bud of insanity into oblivion. I’m starting to see in color again.

 

I admit, I’m still screwy from the whole experience. Maybe dairy products have lost their appeal forever. For “normal” people that’s fine. As for me? I’ve lost my privilege to cut anything from my diet without ensuing chaos (for now.)

SUCK. Yet, what a learning experience!

Eating disorders can transform in recovery; adopting new disguises, vices, obsessions and trickery. Let this be a cautionary tale.

****edited to include….I have gone vegan before in college (1999-2000) so it was nothing new. I do not drink milk and eat a bit of cheese, yogurt and I am a pescatarian who eats turkey twice a year (maybe not anymore though). So the switch was not as extreme as it may seem but it made me nuts.

• If you’re reading this I would appreciate any feedback or maybe just warn you it may not be a good idea to switch your diet whilst recovering from ED.
• If you are not in recovery…ever modify your diet only to recognize your body just wasn’t having it?
• Can anyone help me with my eye make-up? (0:

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Eating By Numbers

Ever have a Paint by Number kit?

(Shouts Outs to Bob Ross and his “Little happy Cloud”)

They can be relaxing. Teach you good technique. Give you good practice, and a sense of accomplishment. Sure.

“I painted it myself!”

But they don’t make you an artist.

Your simply following directions, recreating someone else’s vision rather than using your own.

It kind-of sucks the joy out of it.

That’s how I feel about

my meal plan****

Like a paint-by-number, my meal plan was necessary in the beginning. It allowed me to practice eating & develop my technique, so to speak.

 

But I want to be an artist.

 

I want to move beyond the black and white

and add some color of my own. <—-

 

I want to eat in a way that naturally expresses how I feel, what I want, what my body needs, and what will satisfy me.

I don’t want to consult an instruction manual while deciding what’s for dinner.

 

I want to open the fridge and ask myself what do I want?

Sorry about the butt shot.

I find myself in a place where meal plans seem more eating disordered to me than just, well, eating!

For me, recovery means being a lot more normal-sauce.

I mean, come on now. Weighing out 6 oz of an apple? Really?

 

Just eat the dang thang! It’s an apple!

Two months ago I ditched the meal plan in favor of a more intuitive way of eating.

See this?

It’s a spoonful of peanut butter.

Not a “Tablespoonful”.

Not my “snack”

Not “a” anything.

I just wanted some peebee!

 

 

So I had some.

Then I made post peebee face. <3

My move toward intuitive eating was not taken lightly. I’m well-read and knowledgeable about nutrition, and I’m keeping my feelers up – on the lookout for signs of relapse.

So far, so good!

It has been difficult, yes.

Mostly, it has been joyful.

A whole new world has opened up to me.
I have gained a new respect for food and my body.

Speaking of gaining….guess what?

I am gaining finding weight. <——

 

I’m more comfortable with my weight gain

I am able to tolerate my weight gain

It’s a teensy bit easier to deal with my weight gain knowing I played a “part” in creating it.

What can I say. It’s still a bee-otch.

Le Sigh.

But I like food. Food tastes Good.

I’ll deal.

• What is your relationship like with your meal plan?
• Since entering recovery, have you studied or become more interested in nutrition?
• Do you like crayons and peanut butter? *giggle* Please drop me a line I love to hear from you.

****Three years ago I was given a rather restrictive meal plan, which I latched onto in a disordered way (I plan to reflect on that in future posts but you can read more about it here<—–).

I am not discouraging meal plans, encouraging intuitive eating, recommending anything at all for anyone reading this right now. I am simply sharing where I am. For me, the meal plan I was given eventually became a mechanism to control my eating and inspiring me to restrict ****

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