Helloooooo.
Today I found myself typing an impromptu mental-word-purge-poetry-slam while writing to a friend.
Emo happens.
It’s ED Awareness week so I figured I may share a bit of my personal struggles in the day to day. It’s not really my style, but WTF. It’s Wednesday.
While my weight as a number is not a large factor in my craziness, it does reflect body size to a certain extent. I am so uncomfortable in my skin right now because of weight gain that I burn .. with a desire to lose weight that is rivaling my desire to live fully alive.
I play with words and this is what happens:
Weight Gain IS SO HARD SO GREAT SO AWFUL SO NECESSARY SO IMPOSSIBLE SO PAINFUL SO PROUD SO SHAMEFUL SO HOPEFUL SO HOPELESS
Which. Weigh. Do. I. Go.
Life or Death?
Up or Down?
Which way?
Which way is which?
Which WEIGH?
Sigh.
The answer… I know…
is no weigh.
WEIGH? NO WAY.
Weigh IS NO way.
There is only ONE WAY.
One truth. One life.
His Way.
My way is no “way”.
MY WEIGH is no “way” at all.
Not MY way.. anyway.
Not MY WEIGH.
NOT MY CONCERN
My weigh is not my concern, not my business.
It’s His Concern.
Um… Awkward.
I promise that won’t happen again.
In lieu of closing comments – if you want to drop a line tell me what word play comes to mind when you consider the word “WEIGHT”
They said “you must lose WEIGHT”.
WAIT a second, I said.
I am who I am, and if you will not wait for me, even though I am taking my time – then Go.
~~So I went. I went to think a lot. I decided that I will WAIT, and not do anything right now and that is okay.
If you want me to lose weight, and diet, well, that is not for me. Dieting is not my cup of tea. It is not Me.
What is You?
I don’t know yet, but it is not dieting, and I will wait until I hear my Own Voice.
*I must own my life, first and foremost.*
WAIT FOR ME, if you will.
But no matter what – I will still be me, and I will still need me.
Waiting for Godot?
Weighting for Me.
Wow, Leslie!
You are something else.
I love the “waiting for Godot” reference…
This to me speaks volumes about the real issue not being the weight but a disconnect from self.
I love your impromptu poetry slam. I think that just letting your thoughts go and not editing them can prove very, very enlightening and helpful.
Also, I think the only word play you didn’t use was “no weigh!” as in – STEP OFF THE SCALE! THROW IT AWAY!
xoxo
Touche! That’s kind of what I meant here..
“The answer… I know…
is no weigh.
WEIGH? NO WAY.”
I have long since stepped off a scale (scared to death to get on one) but stepping away from it ALL.. just.. FOOD&CO and obsession.
the word play..not gonna lie, made me giggle. (obvz I’m feeling better today)
this made me think of those pics of 1lb of fat vs 1lb of muscle. and how muscle can be damned sexy and my thoughts of how I’d like to gain ~10lbs of muscle. boooty. but I also can’t imagine doing that…sounds hard.
the dictionary definitely got the burden part right though.
Throw the scale aweigh!! + I just wrote you a reply to your comment without reading this first, but what I typed there should be said here. Bc its true.
Plus, this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aht9hcDFyVw. Imsingingitreeeeallyloud even though its 2 at night. Im drunk. Shoot me. And Im emailing you something now
I wish I was there .. I love me some blue eyes.
And your email was amazingly coherent as always even though you were tipsy dips.
I hide it well
Oh, shit!
But I get you.
Remember I lost weigh. Unintentionally. But it did make me feel good. Better.
Assuming it being wrong. (It is wrong, as you said it here “life or death”), I dug into everything edible and I regained it all back and plus withing the week.
Oh, shit!
I feel it. Shit.
Sorry for taking the internet space with my shit here.
Hang on
If there is one thing I am TRYING to remind myself is that if I do lose weight I will HAVE to gain it back again and esch time will probably be harder. Plus it leads to shame invoking reactive binge eating when we restrict.
PLEASE take care of yourself dear Greta, PLEASE.
I think sometimes we all need a place to moan about the feelings of fat… I normally keep it inside or try and keep it light because it is INSANITY and I don’t want to indulge it (or soiund crazy) because we are not fat.
That’s it. End’s there.
Trust me, I will tell you if you get fat.
It is His way, which is The way, which means we weigh in His eyes. We are important enough for Him to want us to follow His way.
<3
Beautiful.
WE WEIGH IN HIS EYES.
You are such a beautiful spirit, An
So I know I’m not going through anything near what you’re going through, but over the last couple months the effects of being unemployed and on my ass all day (all my choice) has started to catch up to me. My face is fuller, my sides are wider, my ass is jiggly. It’s been hard….really hard and I am still running, spinning, eating the same, but I don’t have that extra 8 hrs a day on my feet. I’ve been dwelling and spiraling because of this fat gain, I say fat because the scale hasn’t actually changed that much (maybe 5lbs.) with that said, I sorta kinda feel your pain. I want to crawl into a hole…I need to just move more, but I already move a lot. Ok rant over. Sending hugs your way.
You kind of ARE in the same boat because — like you said — it’s not a matter of exercising more because that would be over doing it –so in a way it’s like we feel so trapped!
I will one up you though — when I feel fat?
It triggers me to eat. A lot. Binge, even.
It’s like “If I keep numbing out with shoving food in my face I can pretend my thighs don’t exist”
http://alifemissunderstood.wordpress.com/2013/02/28/the-sunshine-award/
I don’t usually have the courage to comment, but I always enjoy your posts, and find you very inspirational! Keep fighting, I believe in you ♥
I have given you a blog award
HI!
You need no courage to comment, silly!
Thanks for the award.. I will go take a look (it may take me a while).
Thank you for believing in me.
i think the internal battle is the hardest. Our thoughts our not out thoughts. Pray over and over and over
I read this yesterday and repeated it over and over…my thoughts are not my thoughts and wow… meditating on that is taking me lots of places!
“…what word play comes to mind when you consider the word “WEIGHT” ?
Uhh…..I froze up mentally…couldn’t think of anything. So I tuned out and thought I’d wait, read what other people had to say on this….I see fun stuff. Thanks….
I told myself it’s OK if you don’t have anything to say in response.
Maybe your word for weight was …WAIT.
And maybe that was a sign of what’s going on with you at the moment…like the universe telling you to just don’t go there. Just wait.
IDK.
But it is ALWAYS okay to not comment.
Totally irrelevant comments work too, you know.
Like…. Sometimes I wonder if Aliens wear hats.
I could hear your poetry slam in my head. Good stuff, Lady.
Did it sound like a hip-hop song? (0:
I, too, subscribe to the “No weigh!” state of mind.
Long ago, I gave my scale to a friend to weigh her luggage for a trip.
I did not ask for it back.
Dear Weight,
I know you and I had a good run. I checked in on you every single day. Sometimes multiple times. You were the only thing I thought about. The only thing I cared about. I stopped caring about myself. My health. My friends. You alienated me from everyone and everything I loved. I was sad. Cold. Lonely. But you assured me you would always be there for me to obsess over, and that was good enough. Well, not anymore. I’ve remembered, after giving my scale away, what it’s like to LIVE. To CARE about others. Myself. My body. My future. My happiness. Oh, how you’ve made a mess of me, Weight! How did you get so far into my head that you changed me? You made me into a terrible person. Now that you have no control over me, I can see that. How did I let it get so bad? Well, Weight, this is it! The abuse stops here! I will no longer allow you to push me around, make me feel bad about myself, or tell me I’m not good enough. For who? YOU? What a fucking joke!
I don’t think this is working out.
Don’t bother packing your bags. Your shit is already out on the lawn.
Love,
Miss P.
“Your shit is already out on the lawn.”
THAT.
I love your letter — I only got into a brief scale deal in my dis-order (ironically during my last low point around winter 2011). I was like …what is going on? It was so odd to see myself exhibiting such typical “behavior” — it just goes to show that the scale does have that effect (the same effect) on so many and WHY?
My version of “No Weigh” means divorcing myself entirely from the size of my body and proportion. My responsibility is to treat my body well, so I can live in it and to be healthy in my eating habits and thoughts — after that?
It’s none of my business what happens.
So easy to say. So hard to live.
Love word play…NO WEIGH! Unfortunately, this no weigh, has not helped, in my head, sometimes unsure if ‘guessing my body wish for freedom in my thoughts, believing weight doesn’t measure a person’s heart, soul, etc. You have a beautiful soul, wonder if one day we could ‘weigh’ that?’Dreaming of quiet, peaceful free mind…lol