Uh-oh. I’m about to get personal and stuff.
I’ve been feeling stupid overwhelmed for a while.
Yes, stupid overwhelmed. Because really? I have it easy. My life is underwhelming if anything. It’s stupid. Yet- I can’t deny it.
I’ve been overwhelmed something stupid.
Rendered useless. Frozen. Paralyzed.
By…what? By life? Really, Missy? Get a grip. I know. Yet, the feeling remains. I can’t explain it, I don’t know why I’m writing about it, but there is release in expression.
I have a feeling this overwhelmity has a lot to do with the changes I’m faced with and the actions I’m taking to move toward recovering my sanity around food and getting my life back.
More specifically, how I feel about them. I’m more determined, more willing to face the fear, more disgusted with what I have allowed myself to become then I’ve ever been. That’s overwhelming in and of itself.
This is my food journal. Where I write down what I eat everyday.
This is the back of my food journal, where I tear the previous day’s entry off and start “fresh” because I messed up. I’ve done this every day so far. Yup. Not even one day under the belt.
I am motivated, hopeful….. and terrified.
I am making goals and plans, gaining knowledge …. and – I have no idea what to do. I do good things for myself and feel pride… and feel incredibly discouraged and devastated with each slip.
It’s a bunch of contradicting – though not conflicting – emotions and thoughts.
And Fear. Always there. Always coming up again. Terrified. 
Then there is life.
Time with God. Bills. Food. Zoe. Decisions. Filing. Peace. Recovery. Friends. Chores. Food. Family Drama. Kimchi. Nutrition. TV. Food. Internet. Glitter. Therapy. Netflix. Food. Meetings. Blogs. Work. Yoga. Exercise. Food. Facebook. Apartment fees. Peanut Butter. Emails. Food. Food. Kimchi. Gas prices. Butterflies. Haircut. Dentist. Food. Crayons. Food. Car making Funny Sound. Work. Career. Swimming. Organizing. Meal Plan. Nutrition. Money. Savings. Food. Reading. Laughing. Body. Rainbows. Food. Sparkly. Blessings. Poop. Vacuum Repairs. PB&J. Church. Smiles. Tears.
I feel like my brain is multi-tasking – which we all know is only efficient until it crosses the line and renders you entirely incompetent.
So in order to avoid a Breakdown,
I’m going to Break It Down and Break Me Off.
(No…not like that you dirty birdies)
In other words – I’m prioritizing and cutting off the things that bear no fruit in my life until I feel a bit more grounded and balanced.
Bye Facebook. Bye Blogs. Bye Pinterest. I’ve got to let God do some pruning.
I think that’s a good move.
Will be thinking of you!
I understand this move so much as I left my old blog behind and honestly social websites aren’t particularly helpful for me either.
However I love your updates and really feel we have always been on a similar level. I would really like if you stayed in touch so please email me anytime and most importantly please take care of yourself.
All my love xxx
Good luck, Missy. I’ll miss you… xxx
Recovery is overwhelming, but I have complete faith in you! Stay strong and don’t give up. You’ll be in my prayers.
Bless you Missy. Do what you need to do and allow God to do this! You can succeed with His help!
xx
you know we are here to pray for each other. Love you. God is gonna dig deep!
I’ll miss you. Please e-mail me and let me know how you are doing.
Oh.
I’ve fallen in love with your beauty, intelligence and wittiness. I’ll miss you to the moon and back. And pray for you to find you.
Hell, I need my break too.
God’s got this and God has you!! Much love.
I’ll miss you,Missy, but I think you are doing the right thing. I hope that taking some time and prioritising helps you. Life IS overwhelming. I hope that instead of disgust at yourself, you find compassion. You didn’t do anything ‘wrong’, you have just been trying to hang on and cope in the only way you know how. There is no shame in doing the best you could do at that time.
You’ve never failed. Every time you fall down, you have picked yourself up. You have learned something. You have grown stronger. You have grown in ways we can’t see yet – inside. But they all count.
I believe in you – and I’m praying for you. Hang in there Missy. Sometimes I think it’s the things we fear MOST, that are the most worth doing. xxx
Hugs and a hand squeeze M
Writing here or not, you are in my thoughts and in my heart. I truly get what it means to be s.t.u.c.k. in the crap. It’s hard, and awful, and discouraging, know that for every ounce of faith you may lose in yourself, others are filled with it for you. I know I am.
Do what you need to do to get your head back in a good place. Eat that pb, do those chores, and remember that they are ALL accomplishments. You are going to get through this, one crap day and a time.
praying for you missy. You are brave and strong and beautiful. and you can do this.
Emma
Praying for you and wishing you all the best.
ED or not, Missy, I think that cutting out things that “bear you no fruit” is ALWAYS a wise decision. Mulit-tasking is crazy-making. If this summer has taught me one thing, it is that.
Huge hugs with my go go Gadget arms across the interwebs.
I don’t like you, but I shall miss you!
How fucking weird is that?
Take care of your pretty self.
x x x
Be well missy!
I totally can sympathize with this. I think there are so many moments when life feels overwhelming, when it feels like my brain has been replaced with a crazy person. And more than anything, I’m terrified of letting go, of stillness. I’m convinced that if I do, I will explode with all the crazy inside of me. Except, every time, I always find that facing stillness is the only way to get better.
So good for you for finding your own non-social-media stillness.
Dear Missy!
I didn’t want to nor believed I could recover from AN. But it happened. Yes, I am fatter now. But not fat!!! Far from it. Now other chicks look at me again. The hubs says cause they’re jealous. Donno. Two years ago, this soooo wasn’t the case.
I promise you, if you dare to put on health-required weight, life will taste better. I promise. You can call me up on this!!!!
I love you. Fight your way out, and I’ll come visit you in Fla;)
Oh! What a lovely comment! I’ve just peeked at your blog, and I love what I see! And you are so thin. And lovely! x x x
wow what a f* uped thing to congratulate a former(?) anorexic on being thin. you truely have NO soul
If a person is triggered at compliment to their aesthetic, then why would they post glamorous, scantily clad photographs of themselves at their blog?
You’re mental. Ger help.
You truly don’t get it, do you? You really ARE the worst person on the internet.
Are you serious??? Not that Missy isn’t lovely, but you know she is trying to recover. Yes, there is recovery and she will obtain it.
Please get help.
Missy,
You are brave and strong. I know you can recover. We cannot stay frozen forever. I’m sending you love and healing thoughts.
Now don’t you go disappearing off, Missy. You email me. Let’s talk on Skype some day. Soon.
Powerful, Raw Post.
I appreciate your authentic voice.
“Through God -Everything is Possible.”
I MUST REMEMBER THAT. I must remember that. Sooooo damn hard, isn’t it?
I believe in you.
Xx
‘…more disgusted with what I have allowed myself to become then I’ve ever been.’ – Eurgh, i know that feeling.
I hope taking a break helps you to re-fuel. You’ll get the page in your food journal as well, and then in a couple of months you’ll probably think “i’ve only got 20 pages” or something, and then you can think back to now, and realise how far you’ve come.
I totally believe in you
Hope you come back refreshed! xxx
All the best to you, beautiful lady.