Last night my friend and I went out for drinks and sohappytogether time. 
That’s mine on the left. An iced err…”shaken” Passion Tazo tea. So fancy. So potentially problematic. You see, I just knew I’d have trouble accepting the fact that it was unsweetened and caffeine free. I was prepared though. I’m used to it. It’s just STOOOOPID.
But yet this morning it was STILL on my Radio KDFK. So much so that I posted this in a support group I belong to.
Just to vent. It was SO IRRITATING.
Yes, irritating. It was so annoying hearing that stupid crap buzz around in my brain like fly.
*note – the word “hearing” is key here. Hearing is different than thinking.
This afternoon I had a Dr Appointment. The second time in a row he was pleased with me (high-fiving myself). I don’t expect applause but I will take bows for every small thing thankyouverymuch.
One thing “we” are working on is increasing my sodium intake and he wants me to drink Gatorade (and milkshakes but he knows that ain’t happening…lol) . Though this University of Florida alum LOVES Gatorade in theory, it’s not my cup of anything.
Instead, I have been drinking vegetable juice and electrolyte balanced drinks…etc.
And eating more salt (trying at least).
Leaving his office on a “Idonegood!” high, I was happily sipping my Smart Water Zero when I though to check the sodium content – which I am now realizing I never even saw because:
Yeah. NOT Vitamin Water Zero. The irony. It’s like God was all “I’ll take your herbal tea insanity and raise you one cane sugar and fructose laden bottle of fuel for thought!”
Oh the places your brain will go! The thinks it will think!
So yes, my brain had a field day with that. And me? I was just sitting there enjoying taking in the freak show.
It was noticeably different than how I would have reacted in the past. I felt like more of a witness and less of a player in the game. An impartial witness?
No. Let’s not go too far.
More like a passive, bi-partisan witness.
Cool. I’ll take it.
I wanted to write about this because it’s a little peek into the insanity of my ED head which I don’t choose to write about much. 
I certainly don’t have much to admire in terms of recovery. <—Understatement.
This doesn’t erase the fact that I lost minutes of my life in a mind-fog in front of tofu tonight as I presided and deliberated over the caloric differences between varieties. (All the while extremely frustrated with myself and I was NOT impartial this time).
Yes, I threw the rest of the bottle away. Yes, I came home and checked the other bottles to see if I made the same mistake. (I am getting so lazy the older saner I get. How did this even happen? Who am I? LOL. )
I don’t have the power to choose the insane thoughts, reactions, and behaviors I have and feel regarding food. At least not yet. The best I can hope for at this point is to be less and less and less invested in them.
Less Captivated.
As time goes on, I am beginning to see myself emerge from some of the things I was once captive too….little by little.
This gives me hope. Time takes time.
- Care to share any crazy thinks you’ve
thunkHEARD lately?
Repeat after me…there was no sugar…there was no sugar…there was NO sugar!! Would I lead you to sugar and then make you drink? Negatory, bebe. Loves u!
I know. I’d probably drink a milkshake for you if you needed me too anyway.
Or..um…a sugar free fro-you and almond milk one at least.
But you’d have to stay with me for like 12 hours just to make sure angryhungrystoopidbingepurgestarve monster doesn’t show up. I really think I can do it …with the fro yo date.
Lets do it soon! But not until you are SURE. <–You know what I mean.
Oh yeah…we must do that again soon. Early though.
Yeah. This is why I drink water. And tea I brew myself. And I make my own no-added-sugar smoothies and shakes. Fruc’in fructose! It’s like when I thought I could trust Maranatha-guess not! And, you know what, I tried an unsweetened coconut water and I found that to taste way to sugary (even though I was brave and tried it even w/ 12g (naturally occurring..) sugar per serving. Hehe we’ll call this a “process” finding the trusted brands and foods. I recommend Amy’s soups-tasty, delicious, salty. I love the thai coconut. I also manage to get salt from veggie burgers, soy sauce, nut butters. I think I have the opposite salt problem..You can have my salt..
And one day you will be able to control how you react and behave to the funky thoughts. Really. If I can, you can. Now I can think to myself “say whaaaaaatt???!” and carry on as normal when I get some of my not-so-healthy thoughts.
I love it when you talk fructose to me…lol.
OMG I love coconut water. I was shocked that I “worked” up to it as well and certainly treat it as a treat (boo).
I think I get enough salt – well you know about my weekend so I do have weird issues with it – but it is just all the other ED stuff that screws it up. Or I could have kidney or liver failure or heart congestion <—Too much internet time. For real.
BUT GUUUURL?
"And one day you will be able to control how you react and behave to the funky thoughts."
One day? What the fructose? (0: I'm pretty much there don't you think? I have them, it happens, I keep moving.
Just I know there are probably some I am not "hearing" but more actively "thinking" at this point so I like am blind to the "wisdom to know the difference."
I’ve had this same question before and went as far as to call SB about it… Tazo tea, as long as you order it this way, should never have sugar in it, and all the herbals are caffeine-free.
I have emailed and called many food companies in my time.
And – I KNEW it didn’t it’s just…what IS that thought I’m thinking? LOL.
Huh? You need more sodium? Have you been slacking on your kimchi and kraut? Get thee to the nearest asian grocer and stock up! That’s an order!
I’m good on kimchi. Of course. But kind of lacking in Kraut. I actually never made it. I used all the slaw on kimchi.
But the low sodium is mainly the ED behaviors and imbalances. Low blood sugar is more about ratios – to water in thebody and cells and EDs can mess that up in all sorts of ways and add to that ED “behaviors” which I will cop to as well.
yes, i’ve had that. gotta start adding sea salt to everything!! i feel ya. maybe some marmite!
I always wanted t try Marmite, too.
It’s really good!!
Vegemite is totally better. Even if it’s not Australian any more!
I formerly order that tea ALL the time!!!
But it got so annoying to request the barista to wash the shaker first (because that drink is sometimes made with lemonade, and I know they don’t wash it). Full calorie lemonade.
Sorry.
*ordered.
I’m-a make it my goal to NOT be “That Girl” – though I would have in the past. With the way my eating is – that little amount barely bothers me now. Especially as I don’t think I am “chemically” addicted to sugar.
But – alas – I know I will be thinking about that next time. Durf. But just as a thought. I’d rather be free than captive by stupid-azz-lamo behaviors.
Very interesting!
Anorexics and bulimics are like night and day, I think!
And yes, Starbucks is so highly overrated. I rarely order beverages, as I use my keurig. But we all know that I’m a 5:30am KIND bar addict. Starbucks is very good for that… which reminds me of a hilarious Starbucks food story that happened last week. Might just blog about that!
Kind Bars. Are they cheaper at the regular grocery store? –But that could be out of the way in the morning.
I am having a bit of a writing frenzy here (forgive me readers on my blog) but I don’t usually write about this stuff and I DO have lots to say about it. And if you know me outside the blog you know this.
Nicole, this won’t apply to you because (a) the objectivity thing and (b) I define eating disorders/disordered eating completely different than you do aka Legal Beagle.
BUT…..for anyone else who may read.
Any- I find it very interesting to talk about the differences between Anorexics and Bulimics — yes. Differences are Definitely there. But I think night and day is pushing it. I think there are too many overlaps and similarities.
Same zoo…different animals? Same animal different cage?
When you get in rooms with lots of people who have experienced Food Addiction (COE, BN, AN, BED, EDNOS as they are known to medical communities) you discover/learn SO much. Gosh I wish everyone could attend group meetings and things — ones that resonate with them. I could not sit in a room where people were like “Adele is BEAUTIFUL!” “You are not a NUMBER – True Beauty is INSIDE!” “You are worth it you deserve food…”
Yeah….not what I need to hear. I know I’m a beautiful person, I freaking LOVE food, I don’t care about numbers (not really) and I am not into the “Love your Womanly Curves Be Like Adele” for a multitude of reasons. It seems forced. Shallow. Implying ED is all about body image. For some? It is. For me? Not so much. I don’t judge I just wouldn’t get much from those meetings.
I “do Food” instead of “doing life.” Luckily I found the places that jive with me in terms of recovery/getting “sober.”
But yes. Though there are differences there is overlap.
Like – I know binge/purge insanity. Oh yeah. For sure. People are surprised. I know obese people who – gotta admit I was shocked – know anorexic tendencies too. Yet…there is still something different.
One thing off the top of my mind is the “planned binge” thing…I always thought AN/BN was pretty much all the same but I just couldn’t relate to the girls who were like “every Friday night it was MY night and I’d write lists throughout the week …etc.” I never heard of that. I also am not sure I could eat AS much as I’ve heard BUT man. I have BINGED. Not OMGIBINGED anorexic binges. Binges.
BUT – maybe more like one pizza and thing of ice cream and odds and ends…but like I don’t know if I could do three pizzas, three gallons of ice cream, a box of pasta and 8 candy bars or like hundreds of dollars worth of food.
Who cares though. A binge is a binge. Also anorexics tend to binge more do to biology– I believe at my core our bodies WILL auto-pilot on our azz and drive us to eat. And for people like us? Not a good thing. Starts a cycle. Why did I eat that….I want more….I can’t stop…what am I doing…oh well this is happening and I know what will happen next….so lets find more food and binge and purge…. and ….scene.
That is why I fear restricting….it will ALWAYS IMO lead to a binge. I worry about people I know who go from COE or Bulimia and BED and start getting a little “Rexi.” That does happen. The crossover. Because “restriction is so addictive and then your brains get all weird and your sucked in. You don’t get to decide.” I worry that the restriction and rigidity and monotony will lead to a binge/relapse. And that …well…sucks.
But mostly I just worry about myself. LOL. Because dang I got work to do.
High five!
Well done for all the improvements you’re making in your life, but if your doctor tells you to drink gatorade, I think you should drink gatorade. You might have all these arguments for why gatorade is bad, but he’s the one with the medical degree. Also, even if your arguments are right, doing what doctors tell you regarding food breaks the addiction to control.
“even if your arguments are right, doing what doctors tell you regarding food breaks the addiction to control”
AMEN sistah friend. Amen! I believe in that for sure –the merits of taking it ALL away. I might even need to resort to that. But for now I am having difficulty be willing to follow a meal plan — my meal plan gives me a great deal of control, too and aligns with my dietary preferences. And yet? I just…something holds me back. But everyday I’m like TODAY IS THE DAY~!
Oh, and my own crazy thoughts recently have all been along the lines of “I already messed up. Might as well quit completely.”
I relate to that line of thought OH too well.
Hmm. Store out of usual tofu brand = 3min brain fart comparing all the others. Vending machine spat out full sugar instead of diet Pepsi and I didn’t notice til halfway through = flat out brain explosion. I just don’t read the labels now. Trying to minimise the ammunition I have against myself. It sounds craycray but I just yell “NO NO NO” to myself in my head when I get the urge. Hmmm so yep. Crazy brain.
Crazy brain indeed. I hate the mindblankstarepickupputdownpickupputdown thing in the store. Harumph!
I don’t mind reading labels – I focus on ingredients though and am definetely cautious of letting myself get all hyper vigilant. Kudos to us both for finding what works for us.
That just a glimpse at how intrusive this for order is
Here’s something crazy! Iv relapsed and been in a bad mind place for quite some time. Going for a swim one of the regular put his hand on my waist and said ‘you are really gaining the weight’ I probably had diet coke belly but whatever. When is it okay for people to comment on your size? Biggest pet peeve! Not only did it upset me greatly it was the sort of thing my crazy mind will use as ‘ammunition’. What a mess.
Hope you’re okay and what’s done is done angel. Sugar or no sugar! It’s a new day and we are here for you and don’t think any differently of your beautiful self
xxx
Disorder ‘
Oh, girl. I am so sad to hear you are relapsing. Really. I want to like…hold your hand. <–sounds sappy but I'm-a leave it.
I swim too and am almost (well used to be) ALWAYS in a bathing suit and have gotten …sigh…OH so many comments on my body. I know. I know.
Yay for going to Starbucks and drinking part of the vitamin water that contains calories. I’m not sure what the differences are between that and gatorade really, but hopefully it’s close? At least you tried it, but I remember a nutrition clinic I went to for runners and how they talked about how athletes shouldn’t dirnk the no-calorie gatorades because you NEED the calories to recover from a workout (even more so when you have an ED).
Anyway… I’m glad you’re overcoming a lot of your food fears and also hanging out with friends. I’ve never had that tea to know how it is though… Starbucks isn’t a big thing here, we mostly have local coffee shops.
BTW must be weird for a doc to tell someone to get MORE sodium. Usually most Americans get way too much salt, so I’ve read. But surely you can get it in somehow.
Yeah – it was no biggie. I certainly did not drink the full-cal water on purpose nor will I but it just really was non-eventful. So YAY! And I am like the opposite of an athlete these days. Yet another thing – my exercise “routine” held me captive in the past. I was never an over-exerciser or addict, but I was very hooked on the whole “routine” of it. I didn’t feel normal if I just went straight home after work or skipped a day. No longer. I now have to find the will to do it <—I NEVER would have thought. It is actually not good. Sign of depression.
The tea is good – very sweet. Easy to make at home, too. Get tea bags. Make tea. Ice it. Save $3.00
lol.
Low salt – hyponatremia is VERY common in Eds so — yeah. I probably get enough salt (I never salt my food I use salt substitute but eat tons of salty foods). Its just messed up behaviors and nutrition.
Come to Lithuania! No Starbucks! Problem solved!
Yeah, I’m jealous here again… this time of Starbucks.
Starbucks is HIGHLy overrated & overpriced.
You’re not missing anything you couldn’t do in your own kitchen. It’s just such an easy “date” spot.
hola!
firstly, (ya, pretty sure that isnt even a word..whatevs) no sugar or caffeine in shaken tea no matter what you ‘heard’. secondly, sodium….went thru a long period when I was severely hyponatremic. It’s not directly related to sodium intake, but can be affected by it. they hoped that increasing my sodium would be helpful, but i could have minimal fluids so it had to come from foods. off the top of my head..cottage cheese (dont know how you are with dairy), braggs, soup (annie’s makes some good veggie ones), saute veggies in bouillon instead of water, sun dried tomatoes, and start pickling stuff
as far as insane in the membrane..my boss actually said to me- ‘you’re looking so healthy now that you have gained weight’. heard: you are fatter than hell now, you could stand to lose a few pounds…
My BF does that all the times and I LUV it. Firstly, secondly…etc. KEEP IT!
And yes, my fluid intake and out put is screwy.
And take that thought and SHOVE IT! Somewhere. )0:
Missy! I think that you DO have a lot to be proud of in your recovery. The difference between how you may have reacted to that Vitamin Water before and today is, what I believe to be, a HUGE leap. That is so much better than losing you mind and acting out. And your doc gave you a thumbs up. And oh are trying daily. It’s a struggle, but you are keeping yourself in the fight, facing challenges, and knowng when you need a break. I have that dilemma over tofu all the time, and most times I lose that battle to ED, but you know what? Its important to pick and choose your battles, sometimes. Xoxo.
Thank you so so so much. I have recently recognized that I feel I have a dirth of people who believe in and encourage me — and I just have agreed with that. I’m hopeless, a lost cause…etc.
Thanks Hedda for illuminating in my life how VITAL it is to feel encouraged and believed in even though — well. I haven’t made huge progress.
I am now trying to find ways to get more of that.
I might be just imagining that people think that.
LOTS of people believe in you! You are a fighter! It’s whether you choose to, and so I’m really proud of you for reacting positively to the Vitamin Water and the fear that you may have had sugar. The more and more that you listen to what your doctor says and incorporate his/her suggestions as part of your life, the more and more “meh” will become part of your reaction instead of “OMGZZZZZZ!!!” (Trust me on those oh-so-scientific terms…I have my MPH! Haha.) Slow steps!
I hope today is a day of fighting and WINNING! We all believe in you! xoxo
Anytime you can see, feel, view, know progress; it’s progress!
Going to the doctor and then following through with ways to make it work for you, it’s all part of YOUR process. The trickish thoughts and buzz, chatter, blah, blah, blah’s can sideline you, but you are not just processing through them, you are progressing as well.
Did you do a literal self-five? Remember when you demanded I do that? So get on it, if you’ve not already.
Just did because — alas I was remiss.
But as far as compliance goes. I get a thumbs down overall. But heck progress is PROGRESS. I just…really can’t get too comfortable with MY PROCESS —
Oh man, I know you get what I mean.
I miss you. SOon.
Good for you!!! I’m so proud of you.
Regarding the possibility of sugar in the Passion Iced Tea: I’m sure you would have tasted the sugar. Trust me. I have tried sweetened and unsweetened iced tea, and it totally tastes different. I can even tell the difference between Diet Coke and regular Coke. just.not.the.same
I knew it wasn’t there. It’s just that thought patterns in the brain die hard, which is reallty interesting when you get to the point where you are not “thinking” them just noticing them. OF COURSE you can tell between Diet Coke and Regs…but have you ever had Coke Zero in the fountain> LOL.
Ps- Coke Zero > Diet coke. For the record. It’s a true fact.
You and I, have we the same brain? Haha I know, not. But yeah. I totally get this. I’ve done the ‘What if it’s REAL coke’ thing, even not trusted the bottles in the supermarket. Even though I can taste the difference. Fretted about food and drinks having something I didn’t know about in them. Fretted about that one sip or lick or taste of something blowing me up like Violet Beauregard. It’s not stuff I WANT to think, no, it’s there. So ‘hear’ instead of ‘think’ is very true. Which is why I have to go the whole route of rebutting each lie that gets flung at me with truth. “That lick is going to make you blow up” “That’s not true, it probably wouldn’t even get past your mouth before you had burnt it off, it’s superficial” etc. I can’t really stop thinking thunks I never wanted in my brain in the first place. Only keep challenging them and proving them untrue to myself (like when I say, “look, you ate lunch yesterday, a whole real proper lunch – kept it down – and today you are fine, sky didn’t fall, still up there right now. So sky isn’t going to come tumbling down if you eat it today too.” I do that when I drink sugar by mistake too. Tell myself “it didn’t make you gain weight either – it didn’t make you turn blue. If you didn’t find out, nothing would have changed, because it didn’t make a difference really – only in your mind”.
Such irrational silly buggers the ed mind can be right?
How does someone get low in sodium in this day and age? Don’t worry, I know, I know. Sorry about making this long. I know it helps me often if I can ‘justify’ why I need something so badly – well Salt helps maintain our heart beat. Salt deficiency leads to low blood pressure which can sometimes lead to shock. Salt can help relieve dark circles under your eyes. It’s needed for digestion – to produce the hydrochloric acid in the stomach. It’s also very important for nerve function and believe you me, when your nerve function goes awry it is painful as hell
Do you think that maybe if you used something like Sea Salt on your food, that might help – since that is totally natural?
Sorry about that, I noticed you asked another Q in the comments. YES there is SO much in common with people with anorexia and bulimia. I have only met one person with an ED I can’t really relate to and you already know that person. And that’s out of hundreds at least, with every possible permutation of ed possible since you meet that many when you are almost continuously in ED unit in hospital over 15 years! It’s all variations of the same disorder. Fact – at least half of anorexics do become bulimic. Many anorexics are both. It’s very hard to remain plainly restricting because the body does not react to starvation without a fight – a fight to make you eat eat eat.
I relate strongly to people with anorexia, bulimia, both, binge eating disorder, compulsive overeating, orthorexia, excercise bulimia, etc who are obese, emaciated, normal weight, etc. Because we are all in pain, we all have something in common despite going about it in different ways – we are not coping, and food/weight/exercise has become our coping method.
Some people really need to step back and examine reality a bit more closely. When you are the only one among many, many people, over and over again, with an opinion – usually that means you are wrong, not all those people..
Different Minds, but the ED is all the same little insanity.
It’s weird when I get nervous about the cals I never think about “OMG I’m fat” or anything….it’s just like something BOTHERS me about sugar and just that I didn’t CHOOSE it. But yeah, I’m not necessarily worried I will immediately look like a heifer.
My low Salt issue is a combo off minor salt avoidance, drinking lots of fluids, and other behaviors you are aware of I am sure. So the first thing I am needing to do is work on the behavior.
I love you said this — “Because we are all in pain”
Yes, yes, and yes. So maybe look at that person you can’t relate to and realize that it’s pain.
My therapist has a sign in her office that says “The problem is never the problem. The problem is coping with the problem”
So yeah this: “we are not coping, and food/weight/exercise has become our coping method.”
Amen.
Yes yes yes yes x a million!
And your therapist sounds good, too. Sounds like she GETS it. Well the person who made that sign gets it anyway
I know what you mean too. Often when I freak out over something it’s totally insignificant in reality. I know that it won’t hurt me or make me gain weight or whatever. It’s more because I’m going against something that my brain has decided is law that it matters so much. It really can feel so bad that the sky really is going to fall, all worst case scenarios come true – etc.
I guess we have to keep reminding ourselves of every single time we defied that – and the worst did NOT happen. Keep those as our arsenal of weapons to fire at those ED thoughts.
Do you find things like using the Armour of God from Eph 6, or thinking of instead of arguing with the lies, throwing them to God? That helps me sometimes.
*hugs*
ps well done
you are working hard and making very important steps forward every day 
xx
Little by little! Slow and steady wins the race
Gosh EDs are the stupidest mind fs out there. This does seem to represent a big shift though – dare I say less attachment to the reaction and a curious observation of the goings on in the mind? So zen! I love that you went out and did the tea. Good for you and your friend
xo
THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU because I have never ever been able to find a suitable “replacement” for mindfuck and you know I just don’t like to curse. But I do when it’s necessary.
ANYWAY. Mindf. THANK YOU.
And yes – very zen.
[...] both’ line of thinking persists. As does most of the ED screwed-up-irrational-thinking. See Missy’s post for a good explanation of how her ED brain screws things up too. We know it ain’t true. [...]
I know I’m a bit late to read this Missy (and nearly every thought I have has been said), but I just wanted to add that maybe you could work your way up to Gatorade. I lovelovelove Gatorade (runner) but I know that I feel weird drinking it if I haven’t worked out at all that day. I know they used to have zero calorie gatorade, but I think they got rid of that and replaced it with low-calorie gatorade. Maybe you could start there and work your way up to the regular stuff?? (Also, don’t know if you’re into this, but there is also ‘natural’ Gatorade now.) I like this rather hidden part of the Gatorade site quite a bit because it lists ALL the flavors (this isn’t giving away that I’m a Gatorade junkie at all, is it?!): http://cr.gatorade.com/usen/gatusen.cfm?link=locator&date=20110905
Sending you lots of ((hugs)) and I’m so happy to hear that you’re doing so well — you sound like such a strong person and I’m glad that you’re fighting the addictive behaviors because I know you’ll come out on top!
xoxo