I went to yoga class this morning for the first time in many years. My first time practicing at a gym, which I’ll always think is somewhat of an anathema.
I’m a bit of a yoga snob. But, don’t judge okay?
You see, I have a long personal relationship with yoga – back before it went mainstream. You didn’t take yoga at a gym and most of my friends had no clue what it was. My Ashtanga teacher studied with Pattabhi Jois. Class was held in a room smelling of incense, old office supplies and people who wore crystal deodorant. Everyone was there to do yoga. No one had a cell phone, much less forgot to turn theirs off.
But the practice of asana is only one of eight limbs of yoga. Yoga is a state of being and doing which can be practiced during every waking moment. Often times what happens during asana, the lessons and experiences, teach us a mindset that carries-over into the rest of our lives.
So I went.
Yoga is more than a class or a stretch. I have to admit, I did my own thing at my own pace and used my own alignments and binds. But mostly? I stayed still or adopted child pose. Because my body is so weak. I was prepared to do this, I’m not in a position for rigorous exercise. But still.
It was difficult. Humbling.
The mat can be a very humbling place.
I lost my yoga as my eating disorder progressed in about 2002. My body weakened—I could no longer do it. Then my mind went and then…. I went.
Through the years of “betters” and “oks,” I avoided the mat (despite wanting to practice) for several reasons.
1. My body is still weak and less flexible than it was. I’m more a beginner now than I ever was. It’s beyond starting over, it’s starting fresh. It makes me that much more aware of the damage I’ve caused my health.
2. As I slowly lean into practicing again, I re-connect with my passion and my memories, becoming more aware of how much of myself I abandoned.
3. I get winded, dizzy. There are certain poses I simply can.not.do. I am too weak. Too bony. Rolling on my spine and most supine poses are impossible right now. Before I left for class today? I threw on this weird yoga-jacket- thingy in case I got cold because I caught glimpse of my back in the mirror. I was embarrassed. I rarely notice my body like that.
See? Humbling.
All these things are good to reckon with, things I MUST reckon with. But it’s sad. Hard. Humbling.
But ….ahhhh….yoga.
It’s so SO good for my soul and I have a feeling if I just keep pressing on — it may be crucial to any chance I have at life. It really does make me happy.
- What are you humbled by? Do you avoid it or relish the experience?
Maybe you aren’t so much a “yoga snob” but one who has a deep respect for the practice of it. But if you want to be a snob, go at it! It’s yours.
That’s fantastic that you went and you went at your pace. Being humbled comes in many forms and in the way you’ve described here, it seems as if you are having more of an awareness of what you have not been able to see as the eating disorder offered you blinders time after time after time. To catch that glimpse….I have those moments myself. It can send my mind into a quake and I wonder “how did this happen?”
I’m humbled by a melancholy that turns colors into monochromatic stillness. It grips me tightly at times, to the point, I wonder if I’ll have ever see the way I saw before. Alongside of this I’m humbled by my physical limitations because of a body weak due to malnutrition. The way I used to be able to run, bike, and be active is diminished. And oh, the way I was able to get out and do the photography that I so find a balance with has been stymied very much so.
I never avoid the experience. It inspires me to aim to better where I might find myself in those moments of, down on my knees; wondering, hoping, praying that I will and can find my way back to where I once was. If that means I need to begin again; I will be able to do so with that much more of an awareness.
May you continue to find awareness; may the practice of yoga be a guide for you so that you can get to a better space of wellness and health Missy. You certainly are deserved of this. Keep reaching.
With light.
Hi Missy, this is a very painful post for me to read, but not as painful as I imagine it was for you to write. It was a very humble post – yes, this is your reality and you aren’t dressing it up to be anything it’s not – and thank you for that.
I relate to you – anorexia stole my ballet. I was never into yoga – tried it once (also back when it was not ‘trendy’ lol). But ballet – was my happy place, my escape, my live it-breathe it passion. And yes, after I lost ballet, anorexia took me completely – it was the last straw.
I relate to you trying to get back into it – realising how much anorexia has stolen. It’s shocking and heartbreaking. It literally has eaten you alive. Your muscles are GONE – and any function gone with them. Every time I’ve even tried to stretch let alone dance over recent years, I’ve faced that too, and it’s been too much. It’s only now that i’ve been oh so gradually getting back to a point where I can attempt ballet without it being too much in all those ways – having built up through physio.
I also relate to those fearful but realistic moments when you see yourself as you really are – and are shocked. For me those moments were in the sicker days when even a screwed up perception couldn’t hide the emaciation from my own brain and my shame was huge. I saw myself as I imagined others must and it was not pretty – it was terrifying. I hope these glimpses can fuel you towards finally taking that leap into inpatient treatment because i do believe you are too unwell for outpatient – and refeeding syndrome would be a huge risk to you at this point.
Remember you will never be ‘ready’, you literally have to take that flying leap out of the plane into the sky – trusting your parachute. I think God is more trustworthy than a parachute by far… and your leap requires you to trust in HIM.
Keep fighting, precious girl, praying for you xxx
So sorry about your practice not being what you wanted. I also have trouble with some of the rolls because of a back (err, butt or lack thereof) issue, but we have all shapes and sizes and modifications in my yoga class, and the instructor is cool with people doing whatever they’re comfortable with.
This is definitely humbling to read. I honestly never thought of yoga as a hardcore exercise (hey, I’m a runner), but I can see where it would be, especially since I started doing it to supplement my running. It’s nowhere near easy! Just do what your body can handle. That’s all you can ask of it, and maybe it will help you in your recovery too <3.
Ahhh yoga love. <3
Your experience with yoga reminds me very much of mine with running. Though I’ve never tried any form of yoga, running was a way of finding peace for me, and I think it makes me able to relate.
Although I’m somewhat at a loss of what to say because I really feel I have little advice to give, I can say that it sounds like this could be the beginning of regaining yoga, if you choose for it to be. I can also say that I regained running, and because I don’t think of myself as anything special in the mental strength department, I feel like that’s proof that you can do this too, when and if the time comes and you choose to try. I initially tried to recover in order to be able to run, and that was a complete failure, but once it was no longer about running and more for myself, I regained the ability to run and used that as extra motivation during the tough times — maybe you can use your practice of yoga during times when you’re feeling weak too??
Maybe the above doesn’t even apply (like I said: at a loss for words of wisdom here) but I just seemed to get this feeling of strength in your writing, even though you described feeling very weak.
As for noticing your back in the mirror: that is something I noticed during recovery too. I don’t really know where you are in your recovery (or if you even call it that), but I think that seeing what I really looked like and the shock that came with it was something that I never found possible until I’d reached the “determined-to-recover” sort of mindset. I’m slightly curious, though you need not answer this, if you find yourself in that sort of mindset too. In my case, I really don’t see my own size very well even now. But I will say that after all those years of focusing too much thought on size, my ability to look in the mirror and see just myself with no size attached is one that I actually have to welcome. I sort of went from seeing ‘fat’ to seeing reality to this inability to see size most of the time state.
Anyway, before I get too far off topic, I’ll spare you the super-long comment. I’m happy to hear that you got to practice yoga because it sounds like something you really enjoyed. Hope this will be a good week!!! xoxo
I just wanted to comment to both Missy and neonorangeds– I lost running, too, for a time, and it was so, so, SO hard. It was something that I loved, but at the same time, it was perpetuating multiple aspects of my ED, and some went as far as to say that it “started” my ED (although I would not agree with that. It was easy to channel all of the things that were happening in my mind through running competitively/obsessively and not eating enough… so running was more of a symptom and not the cause). I regained the ability later, but lost it one more time in a huge relapse. I’m now able to run once AGAIN, but I always know the possibility is there to not have that privilege, and that is one thing that helps keep me in check. I try to keep it about me and not about the competition or just plain exercise. Not always that simple but I try.
yoga is a place where there is not judgement either. That’s why i love it too. accepting and humbling.
I’ve never been much into yoga (I feel like I’m going to fall asleep), but I totally understand the frustrating sadness in not being able to do an activity I once loved. I did gymnastics and Tae Kwon Do and was so energetic, and it was incredibly humbling to not even be able to walk uphill during my weakest moments. Even now, I don’t know if I can just whip a few rounds of cartwheels on asphalt like I used to.
So awesome you’re into Ashtanga and your teacher taught with Pattabhi Jois! I did the primary series today, and have been weekly since November. I feel like..whenever I’m feeling grumpy/depressed/horrible, doing yoga helps me feel better. Its a way to connect with your body physically. And you really notice your distractions, both mentally and physically. I’m happy for you that you’ve returned to your mat. Moving forward is humbling. Mourning and accepting losses is humbling. Not being able to do certain poses and falling on your bum is humbling. Even setting an intention and pondering why I’m actually doing yoga (ED reasons?) is humbling. Mindfulness along the journey. I find that even though recently I’ve only been practicing one a week or so, what I can do changes from week to week and its encouraging for me progress and gain muscle, flexibility, and dare I say a little self esteem? I’m so thankful I really got into yoga last fall (after taking an intro course in college). I also love grupon deals at yoga studios! Yesterday I splurged on lululemon yoga clothes…which make my butt look good, tuck things in, are cute, and help me feel better about myself. We deserve…to love ourselves.
Also-my mat’s purple too! Hehe
one of the only purple things i own! my other mat is like a moss green. i think it is good to have mats with chakra colors … i like the ones with designs but maybe i would be distracted.
The fact that you are seeing your body in a new way, embarassment aside, is HUGE. That you are seeing yourself as others see you is a sign of progress.
I was really into yoga before all the cool kids were doing it too, and then I just, I don’t know what happened. I haven’t done it in over a year though. I keep saying I’m going to do it again. And I will. Someday.
i really think you’d find your joy in it again……maybe this summer? your schedule is so packed.
Thank you so much for your fearless comments on Nicole’s blog. I have often wished I had the courage.
i suppose i am a bit of a vigilante then. why anyone would be scared of her i have no idea. she is pathetic and sad. funny thing is i used to accept her crazy and was endeared to her ‘redeeming’ qualities — it’s in mynature just to love everyone and plus her blog gave me great amusement….until it started to get ugly.
Same here!!!
I know that you’ll keep it REAL Missy, and that’s why I enjoy reading your blog so much!
Take care,
HeatherInTX :O) ~~~~~
Would be totally interested in what transpired here (discussed privately, of course).
Anyway! Like Fiona, I can definitely relate to having lost ballet to my ED, and unfortunately, my injuries are permanent. (How disappointing that this summer I’ll be working at a ballet intensive, where I’m allowed to study ballet for free, and I won’t be able to take advantage of it!) I’m so glad you’re holding on to yoga, and I look forward to the day when you’re strong enough to do ALL the poses you want again.
For me, those “body awareness” moments come when I’m looking at pictures and don’t have the chance to associate the image with myself before I react. I don’t have BDD, but I definitely choose to deny what’s really there when I look in the mirror or at my body itself.
Take care. <3
not worth the time girl…and there is no back story or behind the scenes.
everything is out there on the internet.
I read your blog all the time, but have never commented. I identified with this post a lot! For so long I was very confused wih the difference between humility and humiliation. Most of my truly humbling moments have been on my mat, perhaps because that is where I feel the safest? The one that comes to mind immediately is fainting in the midst of suns while teaching a class…still have much shame around that one! When I was sickest, I gave away my yoga (all 8 limbs) to my eating disorder.
And totally random, but I can’t think of Pattabhi Jois without thinking of 9/11. He was in NY then, I had been planning on going down but had one of those attacks of ego…’I suck, my yoga sucks, everyone will be staring at me’ and decided not to go. And then the planes hit the towers. It wasn’t until I saw the documentary Ashtanga, NY (?) that I had a totally persective and thought about the healing that must have occurred.
Christine! We have a lot in common….except I never had all 8 limbs by a long shot! (I still smoke…shhh!)
Did you get your practice back? (please say yes I need encouragement. I can do about two Sun Salutation 1s with modifications in a row…and then I have to skip a day to be safe from muscle pain.)
also i LOVE that documentary Ashtanga, NY.
have you seen Enlighten up?
http://enlightenupthefilm.com/
at different points i have done really well with different limbs, but i certainly didnt mean to imply that i had all 8 at the same time…i dont have my shit together that much! i, too, smoked for a while
in fact, i have this vision of myself…i’m decked out head to toe in ‘screwulemon’, my manduka black mat is slung over my back, i’m dragging on a ciggie, i’m trying to plan my class in my head as i walk to the studio and all i can think is…i am a freakin’ FRAUD!!
yes, i can say that with TIME (Things. I. Must. Earn.) i have managed to get my practice back. it hasn’t happened in my timeframe, but it has happened. the one i can always work on is ahimsa, one of the ways that i like to look at it is not doing harm to myself…how can i best take care of myself today? sometimes that means not doing asana, and working instead on my meditating or breath work…i don’t know.
mixed thoughts on enlighten up, the director/producer, whatever she was…kate, i think her name was, drove me crazy. i would have loved to be that guy though. my most favorite recent has been ‘yogawoman’, i saw a screening here and patricia walden was one of the hosts (i’m a boston girl). that is a good flick!
hi missy,
i’ve never read your blog before (to be honest, i had never heard of you before), but i just wanted to let you know that i’m proud of you for saying the truth over at n&g crazyland, and for being the better person and not stooping to her level in the comments that are going on now. just forget about her; none of us will change her. focus on you. you’ve earned a new fan.
i never needed any advice on how to deal with her… for sure. I thank God it was me and not anyone who she could have hurt. Thanks though.
Rooting for YOU!
huh? you guys….just stop it. there is nothing to root for.
but if you meant rooting for me in recovery, life, kimchi mastery…etc…i need my cheerleaders and do want to thank you if I misunderstood……..
No idea what the rest of the discussion is about, but Imma definately squeezing my butt in a cheerleader outfit to root for you on the recovery front! Can I get a M, can I get an I, can I get a S-S-Y!
perfect. all i need to know is that none of my “peeps” read anything anywhere that would lead them astray re: the Monica and rap issue. i was losing sleep. lol.
you are one of my top cheerleaders. and yes..emails to come so we can get our personal groove back.
I’m so glad you got to a yoga class, I often “find” myself there (or in the woods – I swear that’s where my soul rests)
I think the thing I find most humbling is running and I can’t part of why I want recovery is to run (which most people think is counterintuitive but I run because I love it not to burn anything)
yes you do. you run to burn RUBBER!!! (i’m hilarious).
Lets try and use our desire to find the motivation and strength to get stronger!