I was thinking about MLK Jr today and suddenly found myself scrambling to dig out the notebook I kept during treatment.
I was reminded that I, too, had a dream:
I am saddened to recognize the lack of progress I’ve made in reaching this vision of recovery.
I am saddened that I have spent the past months watching as my hopes dimmed into a hopelessness.
Yet, I am grateful. Today I remembered that I had a dream.
The reality is, it’s still my dream.
As I read over my journal entry, I suddenly recalled that yesterday the poem “Harlem” by Langston Hughes ran through my head. (I was vacuuming my closet if you want to how random this was. #IgetitGod.)
What happens to a dream deferred?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
My deferred dream, my hopes have sagged into the heavy hopelessness that’s been weighing me down.
I want my hopes and dreams to EXPLODE with renewed fervor. I want to be on FIRE again.
Maybe deferred dreams can turn into an explosive, passionate drive.
It could go either way. I think it’s up to me.
“It could go either way. I think it’s up to me.”
What wisdom.
What a passionately, poignant entry this is. Rendering me with few words because there are not words to capture the spirit that this holds.
May that renewed fervor be yours dear soul. May you realize it is with you now.
With light always.
Wise words Missy. Its up to you! Your the one who needs to seek out help and assistance because you know you cant do this by yourself or your way. Because your way is ED! <3
It is up to you but I have faith that you’ll get there
You go get that dream, Missy! And remember that all dreams that are worth attaining take time and a lot of hard work – we’re still working on Martin Luther King’s dream, and it’s been 40 years!
I loved that poem. I always liked studying that kind of literature in college and high school anyway. It seems like African Americans had so much more passion, especially during those time periods. You definitely have that dream and it’s still there, just don’t let it fade away. MLK Jr. didn’t let his fade…
keep your dream alive, Missy! sending you a big flame to get your fire started again. do it now, do it now! xo
You can still have all that you dream of…I believe in you and your innate strength and goodness. Please start dreaming again, and know it is never hopeless.
{{{Hugs}}}
Angela
I visit your blog from time to time out of curiosity… I guess as someone who struggled and somewhat still struggles with an ED, I often wonder about other people’s struggles… why they succumb to their ED, how they can do so for that long, etc.
I too was lost in a job that was unfulfilling, had no social life because I isolated so much and devoted my time to calories (avoiding them), lacked energy from over-exercising on little fuel, and as much as I thought I wanted to be more with my family at least since I had little else, ED always had the edge over everyone and everything else in my life. I reached a point though where I felt so lost, so physically, mentally, and emotionally drained — seeing no point in the existence I created for myself yet was terrified of doing everything the opposite if I wanted to recover. But I asked my family to take me in while I gave up my boring job, and focused on recovery and a new career path. I’m now half a year into my recovery and have more than I could ever ask for. I feel content. I don’t stress about anything much anymore. I’m not perfectly happy with my body, but I embrace it.
It’s amazing what proper nourishment can do to a person. First, I’d say you literally have to let go of your strange food choices and simply EAT. You NEED to gain weight; that is very evident. When you get to a healthier weight, things will look soooo much better — it’ll almost be like wearing rose-colored glasses. But in the meantime, you need something that truly motivates you to recover, or else it’ll always just be a dream and not a reality.
What motivates you? What do you want to change in your life? Is it career-related? How can you do that? These questions will help guide you in the right direction, and hopefully you can get on a healthy, meaningful path through life…
jess, this is a truly beautiful comment. x
This is truly beautiful, so is your post.
Keep focusing on these thoughts my friend – your dreams and hopes. How to make life feel meaningful again.
You can do it – you are much stronger than you think.
All my love.
It seems like you can relate greatly to what I experience.
Thanks for sharing your story and CONGRATS on your recovery. 6 months is great!
Instead of running from nightmares, let dreams guide your path
Dang.
That is CHURCH right there girl.
Just. Dang.
Tell it sister!
It made so much sense when I wrote it down. Maybe I missed my calling hm?
I happen to be running from my nightmare….and running straight into another one. So it was an apropos wake up and smell the kimchi moment.
I think dreams are like seeds. They can sit there in the dirt going nowhere, and then you nurture them.. and they grow and bear fruit
I believe it’s never too late.
LOVE this, Fi.
two great pieces of literature! and very thought provoking too. makes me think of the awful david spade movie joe dirt. “sometimes you just gotta keep on keeping on.”
“Keep movin” is one of my mottos, too.
Where did your blog go, woman? Were you teasing us?
Such an honest post! You’re absolutely right, it can go either way…it is up to you for the most part. Hope can’t be gone forever, keep searching!
Hugs to you!
have you read dry bones dancing? I think you might like it and in fact, i need to read it again. I’m dry.
I will google and book!
missy, that’s just the thing about dreams. the power is within you to live them, to destroy them, or to do absolutely nothing about them. you’re too smart of a girl to accept either of the latter choices. so live them. now. i’m cheering for you. with love from pennsylvania.
Aw! Thanks.
Hi Sugarpie <—term of endearment not nourishment.
While reading your notebook I htought, what a tall order. Who WOULDN'T want that laundry list of perfection? It's a pretty tall order my friend. I am a goal oriented person myself and set my goals quite high…or at least I thought so till I saw your list. I think it's good to reach for the stars, but remember, if you touch just one or two, you've accomplished so much. What I'm trying to say is don't be overwhelmed…..keep reaching for the goals, knowing they aren't small or easily attained.
Wow. You know what? You are very wise. And thank you!
It IS up to you.
Remember Phillipeans 4:13…I know you know it