My blog’s been stagnant.
stag·nant/ˈstagnənt/
Adjective:
- Having no current or flow and often having an unpleasant smell as a consequence. (<—- That’s probably from all the kimchi and onions I eat)
- Showing no activity; dull and sluggish:
- characterized by lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement
My blog is a reflection of my life.
Do the math. If A=B and B=C……..
My life = STINKING STAGNANT. Yup.
Unfortunately, the adage “still waters run deep” does not apply.
I’m simply. just. inert.
And it’s getting all mentallydetrimentally up in here.
Seriously.
I’m taking pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror again.
Enough said.
So. Now what?
In High School Physics I learned the Law of Inertia.
Things at rest tend to stay at rest; things in motion tend to stay in motion.
So I declare today (01.12.12) my day of gaining MOMENTUM. No matter what it takes, I have to get my *assterisk* in grooving gear.
“Outside Force” myself into motion.
Do stuff. Get stuff done. Write more. Blog More. Venture out. Explore more. Cook more. More Challenges. More variety. More motion.
And LESS stagnation.
- Any tips, suggestions, questions and double-dog dares would be much appreciated because I have no idea where to start.
- Because of today’s date, this Beastie song has been in my head:
I do a TIGHT Karaoke to this song.
I want to hear you beatbox.
Okay, so stick to the motivation of momentum Missy. Get that groove on.
Find something to do that is the antithesis of what you have been doing. Start with something smaller in scope. Say, “I’ll do this for the next few days and be mindful of what feels different in doing it.” If it’s something that has brought you some knew insight, then you are on momentum’s wave.
Again, start off with something you feel is manageable with where you find yourself now.
Phone is ringing,,,,oh ma god.
See? why that song on this day?
A phone call with you always gives me momentum and..well. You know. YOU!
Inspires me to “Get it together……”
Too bad it is 10:20 right now.
My momentum kicked me into overdrive!
Just answer it next time; beatbox; spit a rhyme and hang up. I’ll get it all.
You know; even if it’s past my bedtime which is know is early; if you call, I might actually be awake. Less coherent but I come around.
Every time I see the word “momentum”, all I can think about is that song by…yes….MC Hammer – Gaining Momentum. It’s an awful song; as is the video. He decided that rolling his r’s, g’s and other letters was awesome. The message is nice and all, but the best part is when the dancers have their solos. Do some of those moves and you’ve got less stagnation already!
You’ll find something that will help with the stagnation. And you know what ? Sometimes it finds you.
I actually did not even see get your messages until today.
OMG that video is hilarious.
Hi Missy, I love your posts but they are becoming fewer and farther between, and then I worry about how you are. I well relate to inertia. What I’m going to say isn’t going to be popular but… well… you need to eat more. I know from my own starvation years how much intake affects functionality. And it’s clear you are not eating anywhere near enough, please don’t say you are – because while your body is as emaciated as it IS you are in a state of malnutrition. And please don’t think I’m one of those people who think they can make you change just by stating the obvious. I wish it were that easy, gah. I would have years of my life back that I’d lost if I could just change because someone told me, oh wow, did you know all you have to do is eat and not purge? Wowee.
I really like what The Senses wrote above about starting small. And about mindfulness. Mindfulness helps a LOT for me when my brain is running round in loops and circles and i can’t concentrate on any one thing. I would set small goals – pick an activity and aim to ‘do’ it for say, 5 minutes. And then at the end of that 5 minutes, if it’s not working, go on to the next activity for 5 minutes, or if it is working, do another 5 minutes. I usually find that after two sets of 5 minutes I can keep going without having to set that goal, at least for that day. Also having a daily itinerary helps, even if you don’t feel you have anything ‘important’ enough to itinerise – you do. Time, get out of bed. Time – shower for x minutes. Time – make bed. Time – feed pets. Time – make breakfast. Time – eat breakfast. Time – clear and wash breakfast dishes. And so on. Because it might sound a bit boring but it sure helps me when I have things that I ‘have to’ do at a certain time!
Good luck. Keep fighting the good fight. Life is so precious. xx
Thanks so much!
Those are excellent advices <—what's the pl fo advice? LOL.
I know that I am underweight but I sincerely do not see myself as "emaciated" and recently I have been making concerted efforts to make sure the pictures I post could not possibly be concerning even though I do not see it. Enough people through the years have mentioned it and I am starting to worry about why the heck I blog if people just worry.
SO…It is alarming to get this comment as I think I look pretty healthy. Suck. Thanks for the honesty and I would never hate the Truth.
I know my diet and sleep are two things really causing me some damage and my therapist gave me howework this week to get "back to the basics" and so you'r ideas jive with that big time.
Thanks again!
I understand, I too often get so caught up in it all that I’m a tangled up mess and when I try and unravel it all just get more tightly tangled! and then all I can do is say, God, please, I cannot do this, I give it to you. And literally ‘drop’ it all and step away, and start from the very beginning all over again. Basics is good – we need a strong foundation to build our lives apon. Best luck xx
I agree wih the Senses about the way you look. And I also know that when you look like this, you lose touch of what normal is and what normal feels like. You are in your own skin all the time, you’ve maybe even been smaller, and therefore you dont realize you’re still nowhere near ‘normal’ looking. I disagree though that that should be a reason to stop posting pictures. You’re you, this is your blog. And I love to see your goofy face! And the mindfulness.. Tried that, love the thought, doesn’t work for me. For me it was too nice for ED. I was able to talk my way out of buttkicking because of the whole ‘mindfullness’ thing, and jus fed my ED by doing so. So my advice? A big kick up yo butt Missy! And other people might be able to give you a little push as well, but the real buttkicking is completely in your own hands (or, feet?). No mindfulness, no calm, no easy. Just painfully, uneasy, uncomfy, hardcore taking on challenges and pushing your limits…
Love, Sooz
Gosh and wow…I KNOW what you mean about allowing the “mindfullness” to become an excuse.
I’m often so ino peserving my state of “HERE” that anything producing anxiety seems counter productive <— excuse!
Love the trash kicking girl and THANK YOU.
*bendingoverandbringiton <— not in a dirty way.
To get momentum…
I agree, start small. It is hard when you do not have a schedule. That is something I struggle with as well. I think you need to schedule everything. Even if it is shower, blog, eat, eat, walk, eat, talk to therapist, go to the store, eat, do nails, blog, etc. Set your alarm to go off at each task. Prayer and devotion throughout the day are big for me as I know they are for you. Set goals for the day.
Not to add on to Fiona….and this is in no means to tell you to stop blogging or to stop putting pictures.. I LOVE your blog and I miss when you do not post….but you are scary thin. I am so glad to see you mention your therapist. I was worried you were not still in formal treatment right now. I hope you are seeing a full team. I remember you are not seeing a dietitian right now?? You are emaciated thin. I am not saying this to alarm you or to tell you to stop posting. It is just a fact. Something needs to give you a kick in the ******. I know I need to gain weight too. But, it takes others to [pint it out to us sometimes. We just have to trust when we cannot see it ourselves. God bless you!! You can do this!
Schedule…..argh. I know.
THANK YOU.
I’m on it. I need to do it. It resounded with every fiber of me.
wow. Thanks.
Awesome goal… to gain momentum! I think that is a good idea… exploring more is so much fun because you never know what you will find
I hope to read more!
I can’t wait to explore more!
I have missed you Missy! I’ve read your last few blogs but hadn’t commented because I wasn’t sure what to say. Anyways-I think venturing out and gaining momentum will only help you! You’ll be so much happier and I’ll be thinking of you girl<3
Imma make a comeback. * i hope. I missed you, too!
Thanks for your honesty – always.
And whoa Ill Communication was the album that characterized a few years of high school. So amazing.
I have not read all the comments above so this may be redundant – BUT! I think breaking out just has to be super gradual in order to be lasting. Too many goals is an instant failure setup for me and maybe for you too. I find it helpful to have a few things I want to accomplish and oftentimes they are really small. They are pretty short-term, too – like, same day! For example, today I told myself I’d go do something fun with a friend (even though a part of me wanted to hole up inside), run a quick errand (needed brow pencil), and answer the phone when my parents called to check in. I did all those things and felt better AFTER. So it makes it easier to do something that challenges me for whatever reason because I know that it usually helps.
What are some things you would like to do tomorrow?
P.S. Remember: Success builds on success
Awesome idea…I love these comments!
So anyways TODAY…I
would like toI willIwill try toIwant toI will….I will….¯\(°_o)/¯
Oh good grief.
I’m so stagnant I can’t even come up with anything that isn’t my norm.
you can do it! even if it is scary! so worth it!
I’m with Erin! I start with small goals and with what feels manageable!! Then when I am more comfortable/stronger… I can move on to bigger goals/the next step!!
I just try to take one day at a time and stay in the present, thinking about TODAY and what can I do today to succeed.
best of luck!
when i first discovered your blog and saw your pictures, my head said, “i feel so sad for this girl. she is much too thin, but i understand.” now when i see your pictures, other than wishing you’d get back into yoga, i think, “she is so pretty.” i think it’s a combination of getting to know you, focusing on your face instead of your body, and respecting you that has caused this shift. i wouldn’t have said any of this if it weren’t for your warm reception to fiona’s comment above. before reading fiona’s comment, i was just going to say, “you have a really pretty face.” thanks, fiona, for giving me the b*lls to speak my mind.
x
I am glad you are getting to “know” me….so often it IS easy to see just the body and the sickness.
I am giggling because the “such a pretty face” comment…..isn’t that like what people say to fat girls? hahahaha “she has such a pretty face or good personality”
buahahahaha.
I guess it works both ways!
Thanks for your honesty and compliments.
literally laughing out loud.
Hold on to that motivation Melissa
Changes will do your life good, but do not take it all at once. Change through small steps, focusing on one aspect at the time. I think you already know what I would suggest, my friend. Know that this does not come from a heart that wants to inflict further pain on you or hurt you – I love you and care about you.
That is why I want you to eat more. I know you are working incredibly hard at this, I did that for years. There was a voice within that wanted me to eat more – and I convinced myself into believing I did. That my diet was good only because it was increased a little here and there. Little did I know how much food it takes to help someone back to life – a muffin now and then ain’t enough, an extra cookie each day isn’t enough either. It takes A LOT of food and A LOT of challenges – but hey, you already know this. You are a brilliant and intelligent person and deep down within you I think you know what has to change, but admitting it is scary. It requires of you to oppose habits and thoughts that has become normalized in your brain, but what you’ll win on doing it makes the fight worth it.
Through recovery you’ll win energy, optimism – a mind belonging to an underweight body is an exhausted and struggling brain , strength and most importantly : life. You are beautiful , but your body is starving. It is longing for food, for health. It has been deprived of that for too long and it is time to take back everything ED has taken away from you.
<3
I am now having to measure EVERYTHING I eat as my assignmnet for the week which is SO troubling for me but necessary.
Yesterday was day 2.
I actually took the time this morning to then tabulate calories. I ate 2500 calories. Yesterday was a pretty typical day for me.
That is good, keep that up and you’ll gradually feel comfortable eating more food
Awesome is an understatement.
Hedda is superproud. You can be Jane today, if you want too.
;
Is this an “assignment” from your therapist? You are doing a good job. I know that was not easy!! Have you been through formal refeeding before?? I cannot remember. I remember when I was in inpatient thinking it would not be that hard to gain at first. I was thinking I would gain on so little. Wrong! I was amazed at how much food they ended up giving me in the end. It did get easy as my body (and mind) got used to it. I am still amazed at how much I have to eat to maintain. It does get easier and more comfortable. Not easy….but easier. I think in the end, I needed twice that much (as above) to gain….but it did happen. Hypermetabolism is very common in long term AN. I am sure many of your followers will attest to it. It is frustrating, especially when the volume of food is so difficult. It can help to find things that are more dense. You are doing good!!!!!
Amy – It was an assignment to weigh every single thing. I tended to after dinner, just eyeball stuff because I would get lazy and mostly all I eat is low cal and veggies.
Or if I had a pickle or an apple I would write “pickle” or “apple” and not weigh it. (Though when I was on a formal meal plan I got WAY too caught up in that and it ended up feeding my disorderly ways).
So anywhoo…if I were to guesstimate? I might say 100 calories for an apple when in reality, if it were small or large it could be more or less.
Anyways, if anything it is holding me accountable.
I have never been in a “formal re-feeding” which sounds really intense. I have been put on a meal plan though in the past. To be honest, I can barely stand the thought of thinking about weight gain right now. I am needing to pull myself up and out of the place I am in, though. That is my first goal. I am just being honest. I know I need to work.
If I may… Don’t get too caught up in making other ‘first goals’ first, if you know what I mean. Same as with the mindfullnessthing, I noticed that I also made other ‘first goals’ to complete first as well. I first wanted to FEEL better, I first needed things to make sense more, I first needed to work out this and that issue, etc. before I would work on weightgain. Nonsense. It was just ED postponing recovery. It was anxiety looking for excuses. I’m not saying all of those other things aren’t imporant as well, but don’t let them become excuses to not work on the not-so-nice stuff.. Okay I’m sorry if these two comments make me come across as some bitch!! I’m not, I’m not, I swear!
I am so proud of you, MIssy! I know you can do this. You are such a beautiful person!!!
Would you consider another meal plan? A structured plan might help you right now. I would be lost without my plan! It tells me the what, the when, etc. It takes all guess work out of it. I did not like the idea at first. But I love it now.
Well done on eating properly!
One of the comments that landed in my email from your blog, Missy, said something about going back to basics, and that concentrating on other things instead might distract you from what is really important. I agree. Your priority is eating – it’s the basic thing here. It’s the foundation apon all the rest of your life will be built – because without a functional body you CAN’T live the rest of your life. I will be direct and say, as much as I used to try and tackle what I thought was more important first myself – issues for example – it really doesn’t work that way. you have to tackle the nutrition first. And then you will be able to work on the rest of it. You can’t do therapy properly or even think properly in a state of starvation. and even if you are eating to gain, your body will be in a state of starvation while it’s still so underweight. Work on restoring the body and the mind will follow. and maybe your body needs to rest – it’s okay to rest. you might feel stagnant, but you aren’t well.
Be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness and care. And well done for the eating, getting back on track. xxx
OOPs. Not sure who is reading this…but one thing about me is I do not lie about my disease or try and cover up or anything. So I cannot let this stand. THe 2500 number shocked me and so I double checked my tabulations and turns out I had been dramatically overestimating calories in vegetables.
Turns out my typical day is probably more around 1000-1500.
First I feel the need to say – cute hair!!!
Second here’s a fun craft to get you out of stagnation
http://elavill-graphicdesign.blogspot.com/2011/04/thaumatrope-research.html
I have a very poignant space in my heart for Birds in Cages.
my whole life has been stagnant. Ugh, lets change this.
p.s.
love the hair, not stagnant there.
WHAT? ?? ????
Okay. If your stagnant = moving out of country then back then back and traveling and marriage ….
well then I’m just…dead? LOL.
I agree that eating more will probably make you less stagnant. And it’s good to have positive things in your life that have nothing to do with food and excercise. Church, friends, family, writing, whatever. Beatboxing is cool. Maybe take up a new hobby? Craft? Playing an instrument? Learning a language?
I love that you realize that you need to make some kind of change in your life! Change is scary, but change is also very good. Maybe tackle a different “challenge” every day–not just food stuff, but anything you’ve been wanting to do, try it out and see how it feels. Maybe you’ll discover something new about yourself that you never knew and you’ll be less stagnant!
I triple dog dare you to go to a karaoke bar and video yourself singing that song
Seriously tho…I guess just take it slow. Have a small goal or task that you want to accomplish this week or even today. I used to make a weekly “to-do” list so to speak that included tasks I had to do and others that I just wanted to do that way I had an entire week to do things here and there. Idk, it worked. Maybe I should try again
Always love when you post!!
I feel you girl. I’m emotionally and physically dull and sluggish these days <3 Hugs.
Hey, I’m reading this; in regards to the underestimation of calories. Though the process of counting, tabulating, etc. can be a bit overwhelming and too much; your awareness has now come to a new point. It’s what you do from this point on now.
You know how I feel about honesty. Glad you are willing to share even when you had or were under a different impression.
Anything I can do, let me know.
I’m reading as well, and I’m afraid the only one you’ve shocked with it is yourself. We all overestimate in EDs favour. This isn’t meant harsh, but anyone looking at you will know you are not eating 2500 as a minimum on a regular daily basis. We get so good at manipulating numbers. Same thing with my weight. I would UNCONSCIOUSLY write down 10k more because in my head that was the right number. No harm meant, it was just the way I thought it was… Maybe this is another wake up call for you. —-> Imagine one of those big red kick-ass phones with a ‘red alert’ button on there! Oldskool! Alarm! Ringing NOW! Will SuperMissy answer?
It is brave and positive of you to be honest about this Melissa. Proud of you. This is a starting point – you’ll build on this to find a way to eat that strengthen you physically and mentally.
<3
<3