*ahem*
People trying to convince me to eat sugar or flour — I just don’t get it. It’s the same as urging a vegetarian to eat meat. Unnecessary. Annoying.
It really fizzles my sparkle.
Back off! You know?
I live sugar-free and flour-free and I’m proud.*
*feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something, contented, satisfied
I have firm beliefs about both of these things, beliefs that have been reinforced by solid research and fact. I have no desire to eat more sugar than I do, which is a miniscule amount.
It is what I (<—Me, Melissa Ann Miller) choose, NOT my eating disorder.
It works for me. I don’t believe anyone needs sugar or flour in a healthy diet.
Natural sugars and carbs? Yes.
Grains? Maybe.
Sugar and Flour? Not so much.
I would say not at all.
I admit my current “diet” and lifestyle is not healthy, but disordered eating and living are the culprits– not sugar and flour avoidance.
I don’t eat dogs, either. But I do not consider that a "rule" and I certainly don’t think that is disordered.
I don’t think I should consider eating dogs. I don’t want to eat them, and I am doing quite fine without.
I’m no Doctor and no advocate. I don’t proselytize my beliefs on anyone. Eat whatever you want.
Eat Sugar.
Eat Flour.
Eat a dog.
I’ll eat whatever I want, too.
PS- Except Maybe don’t eat a dog.
Sorry if I annoyed you or it seemed like I wanted to push you to eat it. From your previous posts it has not been quite clear why you have not been eating sugar/flour, and I got the impression it was because a doctor told you about the food addiction. A nice thing for anorexia to support, because what sounds better to an anorexic mind than avoiding sugar and flour? Not much.
For me, right now, you are more likely to die of underweight than food addiction, which was and is why I am so concerned about you. I don’t care too much about what you eat to gain weight as long as you gain weight, because you need to. There is no other way around it. You are a brilliant and beautiful person, qlearly independent – minded which is a good thing. I enjoy all of your posts, you have a way of expressing yourself that is unique and able to truely activate my passions.
But that does not matter too much if you die from mal / undernutrition, which we both know. You need to find a way to eat that suits you AND that makes you gain back your life, strength and health.
Love you ( which might not be mutual at this point! )
Hedda,
You know everything about me — it initially WAS from a Dr and you know all my thoughts about the food addict thing…at first? It did mess with my mind and I could write more on that. SO I understand 150% where you are coming from and Sarah and Angela. You guys know my story.
This is more of a rant about random people in my life or family who AUTOMATICALLY equate the food choice with disorder and who say it is NOT possible to recover without sugar and flour.
For now though, I think it is OK. The “pizza” thing is still in my head…that will probably happen soon.I am realizing that avoiding flour is another “reason” to deny myself the slice. (That is why I go on about sugar but remain sort of hush on the flour bit.)
Main thing is that whatever I eat I do not binge and purge. Why add fuel to the fire with uncomfortable foods while I am in a vulnerable place. Wow, This is getting off topic..LOL.
I actually do LOVE you and I hope you continue to tell me straight.
My weight is….a train wreck. I am so sorry to waste your precious heart and mind worrying about me.
There is almost nothing that irritates me more than people intervening with what I ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ eat- at least now that my preferences come from a non-disordered place.
With that said, I was a little concerned at first when you said you don’t eat any sugar, but I get what you mean…you just mean you don’t eat added sugars? I love myself some sweetness, but the naturally occurring sort is the best- in fruits, honey, etc.
No added sugar (especially not higher than the fifth ingredient). Also no agave nectar, honey…and I avoid most hidden sugars.
Like “concentrated fruit juice” is really just sugar — but sometimes? I just…get it anyways because I don’t have THAT much energy and cannot be obsessing about food (too much like ED).
I do not eat anything with the word “flour” which I fond much more limiting…I do eat certain crackers and Ezekiel products.
I absolutely agree neither sugar nor flour is needed in a healthy diet, and if we cut much of it out, we can heal our bodies of a lot. But I will say, part of the joy of choosing what we put into our bodies is that we don’t have to have perfection, and our bodies won’t be contaminated or polluted. I eat sugar and flour (in moderation) because I enjoy the heck out of them, and needed or not, I WANT to eat them.
But yes, what you want to eat and why you choose to eat or not eat is a personal decision, and you know the reasons in your heart, and that’s what’s important. People are probably just concerned about you to an annoying degree because of your disorder, and out of their love for you, they don’t want you to avoid foods because of it.
Oh yes, I know people do this out of love for the most part.
I too agree with the “not 100%” rule and I have and do occasionally consume sugar and flour. Most recently purchasing vitamins with sugar in them, and I have eaten chips with rice flour.
Maybe in the future I will eat more on a minimal basis but for now they trigger me to binge or purge and that? No longfer an option.
You ant to recover, which is great. To recover, you need to gain weight. You know this. To do that, you need to eat calorie-dense foods. You also know this. Whether you want those calories from sugar and flour is your decision. The fact you have an eating disorder does not negate the fact that you are an adult human being in a free country.
Good luck.
I am just know grasping the enormity of the calorie-dense versus calorie-laden situation in my diet.
It’s really astounding how much food I eat and the numbers are so low.
I may know I need to gain weight/eat more…etc. I may want recovery…
My difficulty presently, if you want to get personal, is I think I do not understands. And until I understand, it is hard for me to do.
I don’t think it will be long before I reach that inner, complete “understand” wherein action is automatic.
i’d be inclined to agree with you, if it weren’t for the fact that you are severely anorexic. that being the case, it’s hard to truly know where your convictions are coming from; the eating disorder and yourself are so intertwined and have been for so long. it’s very difficult to recover with such strict food rules (but am i correct in that you’re not in recovery right now?). (i hope you don’t read this as being said in a mean way– i don’t intend for it to come across like that at all, but i know sometimes it’s hard to tell with text so i want to make sure you don’t take it that way!)
i was a vegan before i got sick; i am not a vegan now. i would LIKE to be vegan; i wholly believe in it for many different reasons– which are also reinforced by solid research and fact. veganism wasn’t even part of my restriction! BUT when i made the decision to seek treatment and start recovery, i found out that it’s extremely difficult to find a treatment program that will allow you to maintain a vegan diet. at first i was FREAKING out-upset-”no way i can give this up”- hyperventilating…. but then i did some thinking, realized that they must have very legitimate reasons, and that it may be worth it to temporarily sacrifice my veganism for the sake of recovery. i needed help, and the only way i was going to get the help i needed was to give it up, and i wanted my health and my life back. one year later, i’m fully weight restored but still struggle mentally with ED every single day, so i’m still not back to the vegan diet (although i naturally tend to eat that way for the most part, i don’t let myself look at ingredient lists for hidden dairy products, and i will eat cheese and eggs- that sort of thing). i cringe internally every time i have to tell someone that “i am a vegetarian… no, not vegan anymore… at least not for the time being…. personal reasons….” even though it is something i completely identify as and believe in, i don’t believe it’s in the best interest of my recovery to start limiting my diet so much just yet.
food for thought.
That IS food for thought.
I admire you for sacrificing what you believed in for the sake of recovery.
As far as not “knowing” who is calling the shots regarding the sugar-free flour free choice, I understand. BUT I have spent much time analyzing and soul searching and I trust that this is something that for me, is best.
The day I want an ice cream or bagel and have faith it will not lead me down the hall to the toilet bowl? I’ll go there.
The day someone tells me that eating the bagel or the ice cream cone will “cure me”…gladly. Sign me up.
I’ll make the sacrifice.
But I don’t think it IS necessary for recovery.
Which, since you asked, is something I want and something I am working for but I can no longer say I am “in recovery” because I am not making forward strides regarding food or weight. I’m in a weird weird place, trying to love myself and grow in my relationship with GOD because I can’t and he can and so my responsibility is to seek Him with my whole heart.
It is working, as I am becoming more and more convicted with each weigh-in and missed meal.
Thanks for your feedback, Carli.
You know I love every honest opinion because (though this may contradict what I have just written) my mind is ALWAYS open and i am always doubting and weighing my choices as (like you mentioned) eating disorders can trick your thoughts.
I also can’t go vegan because I need egg whites and fish in my life….without them I cannot do vegan responsibly. Plus I really love seafood. (0:
I just wanted to share a thought. To me, recovery is not just about food and weight. It is about how I think about myself and my life, and how I work to become less afraid and to move forward mentally so I can continue with recovery. That is why I say that in some ways, to me you are “in recovery.” You are thinking and praying and your mind is opening up to possibilities, and that is recovery, too.
Your thoughts about bagels and ice cream remind me of when I was in a PHP in 2010. The program’s philosophy was that “a calorie is a calorie is a calorie…” I vehemently argued that simply isn’t true, and that some calories are healthier than others and that I didn’t need to eat a piece of pie or cake to “prove” I was recovered from my eating disorder. I didn’t win the argument, but I did win the battle – I left there without consuming pie or cake or candy to prove I was not going to be forced to eat what I felt was junk, and for reasons that I felt were incorrect. I’m not saying it is wrong to enjoy a piece of pie or whatever. But I am not going to do it to prove to anyone I am better, because I believe that all calories are not equal and I want to learn to eat healthy, not go from one extreme, anorexia, to another, eating foods that are bad for me, particularly for my hypoglycemia.
I agree with the point you raised, that as long as you gain the balanced nutritional content your body needs, eg. a certain amount of carbohydrate, protein, fibre, vitamins, minerals, then who cares what they are in- who says that flour has to be the most popular kid in the class- what about the cute rice child in the corner? And yes, honey is one of the most ancient, restorative and healthy foods around isn’t it (or so my bee-keeper grandfather says)- I don;t actually happen to like it but nobody is picking on me for that fact! That said, the thought of eating flour right now feels me with a sense of doom- I feel so queasy at the moment! Tis horrid being ill!!!
(Refined sugar and refined flour aren’t so good for us are they?)
I guess people’s hearts are in the right place but they aren’t helping you are they!
Very true– people’s hearts are in the right place and I never feel attacked or angry just…annoyed at continually having to defend my choices and explain that it is not necessarily my eating disorder making them. Feel ebetter!
I only spoke out of love and concern, and I am sorry. But I also was confused (which seems to be my typical state of being lately, to be honest.) I thought that you didn’t eat foods with any sugars; meaning you also didn’t eat natural foods like bananas and grapes and other healthy foods that have natural foods.
I’m glad to hear I was confused and wrong. I am totally with you about processed sugars, especially the evil high fructose corn syrup (sorry if I offend anyone.) HFCS is the worst thing that has been developed, and it totally ruined the taste of real soda for me. Today’s Coca-Cola isn’t what your grandparents drank, that is for sure! I’ve also read studies that HFCS actually creates sugar cravings within you.
I also try to stay away from foods with processed sugars, and that is at the advice of my doctor to help control my hypoglycemia (and that’s not my ED voice making excuses; I have had hypoglycemia most of my life.)
As far as flour, again I agree the more it is processed, the less nutritious it is and you are probably just eating junk. I want you to be healthy and eat healthy, real foods that will aid you in your recovery! And I want the same thing for me, but I have a lot to learn about healthy eating. I guess the best advice I ever heard was that the closer the food is in its natural state, the better. Now I need to learn to cook and put that into practice.
I am sorry if I was one of the people who offended you, but as you can see, I was confused about the issue and I am glad you cleared it up. I just want to see you keep moving forward – because I think in many ways, you are moving forward – and be healthy and free.
{{{Hugs}}}
Love you!!!
Angela
I meant “and other healthy foods that have natural sugars.” See, I am confused, lol!
NO APOLOGIES!
This post was not a response to your comment yesterday and I agree because I do eat too many of the fake sweet stuff…but really? I don’t eat a lot of sweets in general.
If you really care, you should be worried about my smoking.
*looks around and lowers voice* Is anyone reading this Muahahaha…
Yup. I said it. I do. I’ll never blog about it though, except in my sneaky comments and in my taglines (a few people have caught on.)
Plus…I was not opffended and NEVER am.
Just annoyed at explaining myslef and NOT to comments like your or Heddas.
This was just something in my life day to day I had to vent about.
I do worry about your smoking. (You have mentioned it before.) But as a former smoker, I know how hard of a habit it is to quit. I quit cold turkey, pre-Nicorette and all those kind of things. I quit because there was this really cute and inexpensive apartment I wanted and it was non-smoking, and even though it took me several tries, I never smoked in that apartment and loved living there.
One thing at a time…Let’s get you eating more and growing in recovery. You can’t tackle everything at once or it will be too overwhelming.
I get the same thing since I am being more careful about my sugar intake. People think it is my eating disorder driving this, but it is not. They don’t realize how awful I really feel when I consume too much sugar, even natural sugars. I crash, become exhaust ad often get migraines and can’t think straight.
We all have to vent. No worries. I think I can speak for most of us that we just want to see you well, to see you soar free and be as healthy as possible.
Missy,
I admire you for standing your ground and sticking with what feels right for you. I understand, to a degree, where you are coming from. I try to avoid processed sugar and stick with organic food. I don’t feel comfortable not knowing what is being put in our food.
At the same time, I find it necessary to surrender some of my fears of certain food in order to maintain my recovery. If i want to become healthy and do things I have always wanted to then I definitely will need to re-adjust my diet in some areas.
Perhaps, in this case, you will have to challenge your fear and eat a bit of necessary food such as flour in some items. I think it is okay to go without sugar because you seem to be eating them from natural sources such as fruit, honey, etc. If you completely eliminate flour then you are also restricting yourself from many things that could be helpful to weight gain?
Also, is this your disordered voice/thinking or truly YOU wanting this? I can’t help but believe it is more of your disordered thinking than YOU. Our EDs does reduce our ability to think clearly and make correct decisions due to malnutrition. So it is hard to say if you are really thinking clearly in terms of giving up particular things. I don’t mean this out of offense or to hurt you. I am just throwing out things and have things to be thought about. Just something to think about.
On the other hand, I’m not a doctor. If you doctor knows about this and okays it and discusses other avenues where you can replenish what you need for your body and weight gain.
I want to see you healthy, Missy, and I know you are working on becoming healthy.
XXX
It is what I TRULY want but you are right.
Lately? I have been wanting pizza. The flour thing is only giving me another reason not too.
I am all about moderation …but I need to be ready. I need to be confident when I eat my pizza.
I continually ponder about my brain function because SO many of my commenters and friend from interspace say that and I just….
I feel pretty cognizant and when I am thinking irrational? I can call myself out on it.
I alwatys have an open mind …I could post next week that this whole thing is crap and that ypu need to abandon all food preference and control and be able to eat whatever WHATEVER is put in front of you in order to recover.
You see? I am always open and SO appreciate comments like yours because they help me keep my mind open and my my self in check.
power to you, girl!
love your attitude!
everyone who disagrees can pound salt! (or eat it, their choice).
well you gotta do whats best for you at this time. physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We trust that Missy and we know your heart. In fact, if you really want to ABSORB all those nutrients you need, then flour and sugar are godo to cut out. Just bump up the oils, good protein, etc. But you know that already.
Thanks Linds.
God I pray that you empower me to move beyond the knowing to the DOING.
I ummed and ahhed over whether to comment, knowing that you’ve copped a lot from the naysayers who don’t listen to you and where you are coming from, but here goes.
I’ll never say you must eat sugar and flour, but your reticence does concern me, edpecially when grains only come as a maybe, because I do wonder whether it is Missy or the Ed talking. I know that volume wise you seem to eat lots – but we all know that it is easy to fill a plate full of almost zero calorie steamed or rae vegetables! I think the calorie density thing comes in to play here. And, at the risk of being really harsh, it is hard for me to reconcile that sugar and flour are evil for your body, but artificial sweeteners and cigarettes are not?
Facing fears are hard. Recovery is hard. But it is possible, and it is most definitely worth it. The binge is far more likely when something is on the banned list. When it is no longer forbidden, the desire to eat so much you throw up does pass.
I really do hope that your aversion to sugar and flour is purely personal taste and not the Ed speaking. I hope that you can find freedom to consume grains and enjoy food and no longer be trapped in this half existence. I know that for me, I knew all the right things for a long, long time. But it wasn’t until I literally started eating and stopped exercising, acting against the rules that Ed had imposed that recovery began.
“t is hard for me to reconcile that sugar and flour are evil for your body, but artificial sweeteners and cigarettes are not?”
I KNOW, right? I am compl;etely non-sensical in that regard .. I would never expect you to reconcile that at all.
My “theory and thoughts” about grains….well…you are right to doubt my stance on that. I do. (But this post was really just about the no-sugar no flour thing).
Thanks so much for your thoughts, Mandy. (0:
I get annoyed when people say what I should/shouldn’t eat as well. It just isn’t anyone’s business!
Missy, I have to say, I’m really disappointed. I don’t think you need to apologize for not eating sugar or flour, since it’s your body, but I don’t agree at all that it is purely you, Missy, who are making the decision.
Look, I get you. I used to think the same way that you did, and I was frustrated and angered when people tried to tell me to eat things I was so sure was BAD for me. But the fact that I was still so captivated by “good” and “bad” fods was even more unhealthy and damaging to my mental and physical health than eating a white-flour sugary dessert. Seriously, I eat sugar and flour every single day and I feel SO much better and happier and freer than during my restrictive days.
Don’t focus on what you don’t want to eat. Right now, you really cannot out-rule any food, because every food is beneficial and essential to your health. Stop letting “facts” and “research” affect your judgment. You’re only searching for what you want. Solid proof that sugar and flour is not bad is in the living, healthy bodies all around you doing all the things that you can’t right now…even though they eat bread and pasta and brownies.
If you truly prayed, and asked God with a pure heart, I’m am 100% certain His answer won’t be: “you should totally abstain from sugar and flour, Missy.” It’ll be, “You can eat everything and anything, Missy. I want to set you free.”
You can’t say you’re responding to God’s will and love if you don’t make the actions. Recovery is a mental and spiritual disease, but that is NOT all. Physical action must follow to make it complete. And you’re not making it, Missy. That is why you’re lagging. Nobody is saying that eating flour and sugar will cure you. But it’s a necessary step and consequence of a heart willing to make a full recovery.
i gotta agree… because this post scares the heck out of me. the fact that sugar and flour makes you binge and purge tells me that you still put food in categories of good and bad, and honestly that’s not true. and the scariest thing? someone who is literally starving herself to death is trying to convince me that sugar is bad for her… i’m sorry sweetheart, but honestly this is just you trying to keep people out of your business so you can continue to eat how you want. i love you, and know this isn’t where your story ends. you are going to beat this because just like sophia said… God wants to set you free. but fear makes us do crazy things. hang in there sweetheart.
Listen to these voices Melissa, they speak words of wisdom and it comes from love and concern about your health.
Your body needs food. A lot. I know you feel like you eat a lot already, I’ve been through that struggle as well, but as long as you don’t gain weight you do not eat enough. It doesn’t matter what our mind believes about food amounts, our bodies are the ONLY judge when it comes to what is the right and necessary amount for you. Reach out to someone who can help you find a healthy eating plan. It is your Life Plan, and you will hate it, but it will save your life.
I see where you are coming from.
I appreciate your opinion. (really!)
i very much agree with this comment.
i ate completely sugar-free and flour-free and vegan before going into treatment. when i made the decision to go into treatment and start recovery, the first thing that i felt i had to do was let go of ANY and ALL restrictions regarding foods, means i told everyone that from now on i would not only eat meat again, but that any food must be possible to eat for me (unless i don’t like the taste or it’s a real dog)! this is a very important step, in my opinion.
almost all the anorexic girls in IP were vegetarians or vegans. one girl gave up eating vegetarian after i told her about my decision. she said that when she’d be honest, she only avoided meat because it scared her and she would very much love to not care about foods that much anymore. so she let go.
i guess recovery can work only if you make a real, honest cut, in order to find out what is you and what is the disorder. you have all the time in the world to make decisions regarding anything afterwards. i doubt that you will have time and will to think about what kind of foods you don’t eat and why though.
i hope you read these comments and see where we’re coming from. you can find me annoying, but i really just want you to make a start in recovery. you seem to be a very special person, your writing amazes me and i wish you all the best in the world, because you deserve it.
only you can take the steps forward though. you are strong enough. i believe in you.
I have often wondered whether this approach is best….just being force fed.
But then it just doesn’t “jive” with me.
ME <–Missy. Not ED.
But my mind is always open.
It was really striking to hear about the girl who wanted desperately to be free of food "obsession" that she was willing to do whatever….
Because I would like more than ANYTHING in the world to think about food less that I do. It is the most hellacious aspect of this disease.
These were some very thought provoking words:
“the fact that I was still so captivated by “good” and “bad” fods was even more unhealthy and damaging to my mental and physical health than eating a white-flour sugary dessert.”
I will have to give that some thought….I don’t have much of a sweet tooth but let me think…a white chocolate covered pretzel sounds good…what is stopping me? The sugar and the flour or the fear/disgust? I think it is a little of both. I aim to get to the place where I can have a few treats once in a while if I want them. Maybe I will never get there unless I challenge myself to eat something against my will?
Hmm…
Also, when I confer with God about this, he absolutely 100% says something akin to: “You can eat everything and anything, Missy. I want to set you free.”
And I know I can, and I know I should not worry about what I will and will not eat, for that is a sin.
That is what I need to let go of. Sugar, flour abstinence…who cares? God doesn’t. He just wants me to be free from obsession and I believe that I can obtain that even whilst avoiding sugar and flour.
But what the hey-now do I know.
Thanks for the feedback Sophia. I will certainly be letting it marinate — as your stance on recovery is always in my mind because you are such an inspiration to me. I think you you know how much I value your words and so thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing them.
I think you should eat whatever makes you happy and keeps you healthy, as long as it’s not fear driving your decisions. I’m one to talk though… I love baking, but I spent an hour in Whole Foods yesterday trying to pick out some baking supplies for Thanksgiving goodies, and left with only peanut butter and brown rice flour.
I have immense faith in you, Missy, and you are in my prayers. Keep your chin up and your heart open–you can pull through this!
Sugar, fo sho, is the devil.
I think most people who pester are clueless or don’t understand, but they do so because they care.
They do care, you are right.
But I feel sometimes like I don’t get a chance to be heard or respected for having an opinion because of my eating disorder.
Maybe that makes sense. But in my heart I see myself as a 33 year old intelligent and mindful woman capable of rational cognition based on MY feelings.
I just feel like you’re constantly blogging about supporting your [anorexic] way of life. You can spin it whichever way you’d like, but chugging diet sodas and living off of carrots, kimchi, and any other lowest-calorie food you can find is not healthy. If you were at a healthy weight and of healthy mindset and decided, “You know what? Processed sugars and flour isn’t so healthy… I’m going to try to figure out ways to cut it out of my diet.” Then fine. Be my guest. Though I can assure you, you aint gonna be anywhere NEAR the caloric intake your body needs to function healthily. But, with the state you’re in and have been for so many years, clearly it’s ED: 1, Life: 0.
Personally, I’ve been coming out of a struggle with anorexia that consumed the past 5 years of my life (I know it’s nowhere near as how long you’ve suffered though) and consider myself in recovery. I’m gaining weight, getting grossed out by myself, but also realizing the benefits (I’m finally starting to have a social life as much as I was scared of one or didn’t think I needed one), am enjoying introducing foods into my life that I banned because of my ED, and am trying my hardest to find my way to a life that is not centered on calories. Every single one of your posts is about your ED, and even though you don’t blog everyday, I *KNOW* your ED is as much a part of your day as breathing is.
And you know why I’m trying to recover? Because after 5 years, I reached the point where I realized I’m either going to die painfully slowly or live a miserable existence, or… I can create a life that filled with things I enjoy; things I want to achieve; things I want to do that will NOT be guided by limits on food intake or by my weight. I know it goes much deeper than the numbers, but really, at the end of the day, that’s what it’s about — freaking out that you had extra of this or extra of that and omg I’m so fat (even though you f*cking look like you stepped out of Auschwitz).
So I’m just truly in awe — not in a good way — that you even have the energy to keep destroying yourself. I know this is harsh, but I seriously don’t know how to handle people like you who keep trying to publicly justify this way of life. I’ve been in support groups and I always felt embarrassed to be surrounded by people suffering from an ED as much as I could relate to them and feel bad for their struggles because overall, they just seemed to whine about “Oh I can’t do it…” Um… yes you can. You’re living off of 800 calories or less per day? If you can do THAT, you sure as hell can recover. And I’m living proof.
I admire your strength — you obviously have a strong recovery. I always appreciate to hear your opinions and comments, though they may be
I would hate to think that I “justify this way of life” — which would make me sort of – *cringe* what’s the term? Pro-Ana?
I most certainly not, and though I know it is frustrating to watch someone struggle, like me, I don’t think it is necessary to ridicule a person or think less of them because they struggle and you are/were “better” at recovery than them. Which is how I felt when I read your comment.
No two people have the same ED, no two people have the same struggles/thoughts or recoveries.
I am not happy, nor do I proclaim to be and I am not denying anything here, or hiding anything. If you read my blog alot you would hopefully begin to see that…I know I am as crazy as a bat on acid and I HATE this disease.
PS- I do not blog about my ED every post, I assure you. Sometimes I blog about douche and vaginas.
http://missymiller.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/hail-to-the-v-hail-to-the-yeah/
My career woes:
http://missymiller.wordpress.com/2011/07/03/just-do-something/
Beautiful moments:
http://missymiller.wordpress.com/2011/07/07/beautiful-moments/
etc…
Hmmm. I read this all YEAH MISSY!! but now these comments have me thinking….thoughts.
I still say eat what you want as long as it really IS what you want and not just what you think you should want. I agree 173% about the sugar/flour thing – I avoid them myself, and I’ve never had an ED. The science there, its just there. Its fact. Just be sure to get in the stuff that is healing and (KEY HERE) calorie dense.
With that in mind, I just read an article about a pickle festival where they were selling, get this – pb and KIMCHI sandwiches!!! If that isn’t Missy food, I don’t know what is. (Also, I just bought a packet of kimchi spice mix. I can’t wait to make it next week when I get back from Thanksgiving break!
Holy mother of mayhem.
Peabee and kimchi and pickles? Oh man, I would HAVE to try that.
I would eat one (EVEN IF IT WAS ON WHITE FLOUR BREAD!!)
You see..I really think it IS me and not the disease and that is why I wrote this stupid rant.
But the comments always have me thinking, too.
I’ve been reading books by Mark Hyman lately and he’s into no sugar, eggs, dairy, peanuts, hydrogenated oils, and a few other things. He recommends smoothies of hemp/chia seeds, nut butter, nut milk, rice protein powder, and berries. They are delicious with no added sweetener. He also suggests eating brown rice, steamed veggies, chicken or fish, quinoa, beans, hummus, etc. all things that would work on your diet, have plenty of calories, and would balance your nutrition. Do you eat those things?
Yes, but I hacve issues with grains and don’t get them in that much. Probably 2-4 times a week.
That is more ED driven than anything — yet I do not believe grains are vital. Caveman did not have them, you know?
I eat veggies, fish, hummus <–LOTS of hummus, rice cakes, rice crackers, eggs, peanut butter…
I just don't eat enough of anything.
Cave men did not swim in pools, drive cars, smoke, use the internet, have vaccines and modern medicines, have heat/AC, do other things that you do or eat the stuff that you eat. For example, kombucha was not a cave man drink but it sounds pretty vital to your life
Just a gentle challenge to that thought.
I personally don’t care what you eat as long as you eat a lot more of it because you need it. There is not a nice way to say that, so I just said it. My coworker’s sister died in her 30s due to anorexia. She “ate” at the time but didn’t eat enough to repair her body from the years of damage she had done. She is not alone. People really die from this. I don’t want you to die. That’s the best way I know how to say this. I’m sorry to be so blunt.
Caveman also did not have EDs I think….
Great challenges…especially considering my artificial sweetener “green light” …
Anywho..I WISH kombucha was a vital part of my life…man. I am down to maybe one every other month or once a month I am so broke. (And too lazy to brew my own)
Sarah, I am pretty freaking terrified right now…I think that this my be my bottom and God (and me) are not going to be able to let this go on much longer.
Thanks for your reality check…
It seems to be a re-occuring theme here lately.
“You’ll die” and …no one can hear that a gazillion times a week without wanting to check themselves in to a mental hospital because clearly I must be straight-jacket crazy.
God keeps taking away and taking away..and giving me wisdom. I just hope I wise up before he takes it all.
Cry out to Him and reach out to someone else. Whatever I can do, I’m willing to do. I’m here for you. <3
I should add he says avoid gluten, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him mention eating anything with flour. And other things he recommends are olive oil and avocados. You need to eat foods with good fats.
Hey Melissa,
As you know, I’ve been following your blog, as I am just trying to educate myself (in full disclosure, I have a friend who has had some problems in the past with bulemia, and although she seems fine nowadays, she has mentioned that she has had her moments here and there where she feels herself reverting back to the same feelings she had before I knew her). So, sorry if anything I say here is ignorant, but I’m just trying to wrap my head around a lot of things, both with you and with her since I know you both personally.
As you know, I’m someone who likes to cook, and a lot of that is just based on knowing how I like my food, so I can appreciate having preferences in that regard. I tend to cook healthy, but more by default, in that I don’t like greasy food, I like fresh food, and I don’t care for processed food or fast food very much. I don’t have much of a sweet toth myself, and don’t add sugar to tea or coffee, rarely add salt to a meal. I drink and smoke far more than I should, but when it comes to food, I think I eat healthier than most.
But, if I have a craving for something out of the norm, for instance, pizza, I will go for it. I do that in rare circumstances (usually when I’ve had a long day at work, and I just don’t want to deal with cooking.) Do you allow yourself cheats like that? There are healthier ways to do that (I recall your liking that white pizza I made in college with spinach, tomatoes and olives (a lot of that was just because I didn’t care for processed tomato sauce, but rarely had the time to make my own). But, if you want pizza, have it, don’t fight it. Just control what you put on the pizza.
I’m trying to figure it all out still, but I also want to be respectful. I would just say that I know people with allergies to a heck of a lot of things, gluten or dairy included. You have the ability to eat those things, so if you’re craving it, maybe your body is just trying to tell you something? Again, trying to just understand it all, and trying to be sensitive to the situation, so apologies if anything here came out the wrong way.
Oh, Brad…it is so much more twisted than that. Everything you wrote makes sense …but an eating disorder is the opposite of that sort of health mentality.
My main “fear” or impetus for avoiding certain foods despite that I may want it in a way (like how I kind of want pizza) is fear that it will “set me off”…
Meaning, because of my ED I would (maybe) try and compensate for it because for me pizza is a “more than food” which is complicated with emotions.
Eating it is more than a “splurge” — it is a MAJOR event. I really can’t explain.
I am very “weak” in my ED right now so I just cannot trust myself and prefer to play it safe for a while.
Don’t even try to understand….ED is like schizophrenia …you will probably never be able to grasp what it is like and why people see little red elephants under their beds and hear aliens telling them to hurt people every day, you know? It’s CRAZY.
amen sister. I think as long as your getting in healthy grains/legumes and natural sugars, their is no need for flours or added sugars. I think its ok to ea something with a little added sugar. Because then it gets too disordered ya know? But to steer clear of them for the most part.. i see no problem.
No, no, no! This feels like two eating disorders conspiring because unfortunately neither of you are in a healthy place. You have the freedom to eat anything. When you are in recovery, you don’t get to choose to avoid basic components of food. You have to commit to doing whatever it takes to be well… even if it is uncomfortable. Your life may depend on it.
Heh heh eat a dog…
Best comment EVER
I keep hearing the same thing echoes when you write or respond to comments. “Vital” and “Necessary”. A lot of things in life are NOT vital and necessary. I agree with Sophia and the other posts also. I think it is just a justification. Not to judge or anything ’cause I do it alot to. We pick and choose. Sugar and flour are not “vital” well, neither is diet soda. Neither is fake meat, that didn’t exist way back when and the cavemen didn’t eat that stuff; and in that reference to cavemen, then well if you were to go Paleo then well..thats a whole different topic. What is necessary in life? Depends on what kind of life you want to live and feel. It depends on how much you simply want to exist or really live life. That meaning is different for everyone. I can never quite put my finger on it, but we are very alike in one way…its like..both of us have the realizations, and we feel that as long as we feel okay, it is okay. We psychologically try to trick ourselves by thinking something subconciously and try to bury the truth from are selves and try to justify them by using something valid as if it cancels out the other fact. We really cannot have “conditionals” when it comes to being happy or being “recovered”. “I will only recover if I can eat only this way.” ” I will only recover if I can only way THIS max.” etc. I’m losing my trainof thought now so…yeah, feel free to message me. 8) (Hope I don’t sound like a *insert bad word here*)
*ps. Just thought of something; Calories are vital to life. If you don’t have enough calories then well..you are lacking, so wouldn’t the first objective be to get enough ‘vital’ calories? I mean i knew a guy in the army who said his sergeant did IV nutrition and said it was great becuase you got all your VITAL nutrients and energy and didn’t have to worry about food…(please tell me that is not appealing)
Not appealing at all.
Good arguments there, for sure.
Wow. All of these comments (okay, most of these comments) have been so intelligent and thoughtful and I can really appreciate both sides of the flour+sugar argument. It has been so interesting to read different peoples’ points of view and hear responses and I’m glad you are trying to keep an open mind.
This ‘debate’ is quite relevant to my ed struggles even though I’m in quite a different place to you. I swing between wanting to keep any possible ‘trigger foods’ (yup, flour and sugar feature in them all) out of my diet, but then falling into restricting more and more… resulting in a return to bulimia. Or I try to eat ‘normal’ but then feel guilty and panicked… resulting in a return to bulimia. For myself I really don’t know what is the best way forwards.
Whatever you chose to include/exclude from your diet, what I think is most important is that you do your best to look after your health and eat sufficient calories and nutrients from whatever source. Even the harshest and most irritating comments (in real life or in the internetosphere) are coming from a place of care for you as a very valued and valuable person, or from a place of frustration with eating disorders.
Love and bear hugs, x
I relate to your struggle 100% completely!
I was in program with people that labeled sugar and flour as …basically drugs that trigger eating disorders. That rang true to me because I used to binge on them and still can.
For a while I went hyper-vigilant and labeled them as evil things that would make me sicker….but that attitude died the more i ate and with all the research I have done since I am now more evolved in wanting to avoid them in just a general way.
I want to get to a place where I will eat something occasionally if I want…but I am not there yet as I fear it will put me in a vicarious place (either stopping eating or binge eating or purging or all three.)
I know some people (COE and FAs) that swear by eating abstinent for life and I tend to adopt their attitudes but I forget they do not have a history of anorexia. I have never been overweight in my whole life.
(Though I certainly at times have considered myself so. )
I think that for now you need to allow yourself to eat everything. Food will heal your body and your mind. When you are at a healthy, safe, stable, appopriate weight you could potentially carefully consider if you want to restrict. But not now. It isn’t coming from a place of health. It isn’t safe.
One thing you have to remember when you talk about cavemen etc is that your body has atypical needs because it needs LOTS of calories to get over the damage of YEARS of anorexia.
That is definitely true. I won’t talk numbers here, but I had to eat an extraordinary amount of calories for months to reach my healthy goal weight back in January. And I have only been struggling with anorexia for about four years, but my metabolism is that screwed up. I just got over a week of having strep and not being able to eat regularly, and yes, I lost weight and I am trying to not let that be a trigger.
Missy, I think the general consensus is that we want to see you get better, whether you eat flour or sugar or kittens…Just get better, because you are too precious both to us and to God to lose. And I can personally attest that the older you get, the less your body can handle restricting. I have learned that the hard way. When I first developed anorexia, I ate very little and was at a very low weight for almost a year before it really caught up with me. Last year it took less than a month and I was in the hospital with a feeding tube. My doctor explained that the older we get, the harder any eating disorder is on us.
I spent last Thanksgiving on the couch because just one month of restricting my food intake left me blacking out and on Thanksgiving, I blacked out and crashed headfirst down the stairs and into the wall. And you already know what this illness did to my marriage – totally destroyed it.
Finally, I just lost a friend to anorexia at the age of 34. That scares me for myself, for you, for all the friends I have with anorexia or another eating disorder. She seemed to be doing fine, traveling and enjoying life, and then her body just couldn’t handle it anymore and her organs started failing and that was it.
I know I am rambling. I would get down on my hands and knees and beg you to get better if I thought that would work. I wish I knew the magic words, I wish I had the magic key, I wish I could wave it all away and make you realize your worth and how important it is for you to eat and gain weight. Yes, it sucks. But it is the real start of recovery.
I will close with this rather odd story (most people will probably think I am weird; I don’t really care.) I was sitting in church one day and praying to God to either release me or give me strength to get better, anything but to continue living with anorexia. I saw it was destroying my marriage, my dreams, my life. I clearly heard God say, “I do not want you to starve. I do not want my people to starve.” Maybe it was a figment of my imagination, maybe a product of my starving brain…Or maybe it was God’s answer to me after constant prayer. I prefer to believe the last.
With love,
Yours in Christ,
Angela
Angela,
Thank you for writing that — I am crying in my keyboard, but it feels good. I love crying.
I remember your church story — I think about it a lot actually! Those words….I do believe it was God’s answer.
I believe he WILL deliver me from this. I have Faith that he will continue his work in me if I seek him with my WHOLE heart and mind and that is what my focus is right now.
I simply cannot eat or gain my way into who God wants me to be, I need change and rebirth from the inside out.
I have never blacked out or anything scary like that.. which makes it difficult to see myself as “that sick” — but recently I am awakening a bit as I look at the numbers on the scale and for the first time I am seeing hair loss.
Wow Angela- your story really moved me, in a good way. Tears at the keyboard over here too, Missy!
Missy, you speak a lot of needing to change from the inside out, and I feel the need to point out one thing. I did extensive research on eating disorder treatment and recovery when I decided to start my own recovery. Being a student, I had access to an AMAZING source of academic/scholarly works online, and I read tons of studies about anorexia. It is very widely understood that when the body is malnourished to a certain degree, mental function is altered. I don’t mean it makes you stupid or unable to think properly– I mean it completely skews your perspective on food, your own body, etc. (This can also be seen when looking at the history of AN in the 16th and 17th centuries… and in the infamous “prison study” in the 60′s of men WITHOUT eating disorders). There is a very good possibility that you simply will not be able to make the necessary changes inside, before you make them outside. You have to gain the weight before you’re going to be able to start experiencing a true change inside about how you see things. In order to do that, as Angela said, you have to consume thousands of calories each day because it’s going to take a LOT to repair your body. I’ve followed your blog for awhile, and you do speak often about praying for change from the inside– but I worry about how long you’re going to wait for that to happen, or if it’s just a way for you to delay getting the help you need. I have plenty of evidence to the contrary: you need to start fixing your body from the outside first, and then you will experience true freedom and change from the inside.
I worry too..I just cannot do anything else. I am powerless.
I am in a very pressurized place right now to behonest. I am not blowing this off.
The thing is, I gained. I stuck it out.
I lost myself.
I would not leave my house.
Yes…I WOULD NOT LEAVE MY HOUSE except for work..store, etc. I refused to see any family or friends. I couldn’t.
I couldn’t stand to be awake…in my skin.
I was 94 lbs.
I am 5″3
That’s scary! Scary cause my BMI was still considered abnormal.
I got scared.
To death.
Something clicked.
Now here I am paralyzed.
If I do die of this disease, it will be because of FEAR.
I am literally scared to death.
You feel powerless, but YOU aren’t. My honest opinion, and you can toss it aside if you want.
It seems to me Missy, you need to find the roots that are planted holding you in this paralysis. Identify and try to understand their roles. No easy task, but certainly if you can have an awareness, that will lead you to how to then work bit by bit on what you need for your well being.
It’s not enough for me to say, “I hope you can find a way to a better space.” I need to ask; what can I do to help you right now? I’m very serious. How can I help?
(Fear. False evidence appearing real.)
I don’t know What can help, actually…only me slowly coming to terms with how messed up this is and that is happening every day. I am working on it.
You are never powerless. Is there anyone you can see to talk about your feelings and get you started eating?
You will not die of this disease. I will not lose anyone else to this irrational, illogical, idiotic disease if I have to drive down to Florida myself on break and take you somewhere to get help.
Carli is correct that we start thinking differently when our brains are depleted of nutrition. We don’t think correctly or logically. You must first feed your brain in order to make any internal changes. When I started on Dec. 28, 2010 – the day after my husband left me – I didn’t think about what I was doing. My doctor said eat X number of calories to reach your minimum healthy goal weight – and we are the same height, and his goal for me was 115 based upon my bone structure and past history – and I ate. I didn’t think about it, except to hate every minute of it. But I knew it was truly the only way out, the only way to start having a real life instead of a life ruled by anorexia. I started thinking clearer as I ate and gained weight. But when I began, I turned it over to God and my doctor, and they were in total control and it was very frightening and yet freeing at the time. When it came to eat, I just told my ED voice I had to eat because God and my doctor said I had to. My ED voice couldn’t really argue with that.
I’m with The Senses. What can we do right now to help you?
Gosh. Your story, while inspiring, scares the baby jesus out of me. (Modern Family Quote heehee).
I literally can’t do that right now. I won’t.
I can’t face that.
Not YET anyway.
That really could change tomorrow.
I am in therapy, yes, and my therapist agrees that I need to heal from the inside out and grow in love for myself and love for God…because if I have that I will be unable to hurt myself any longer with food.
I would also be unable to go through Hell without a healthy esteem that will keep me fighting.
Please do not worry about me.
Missy,
You can state to another for them to not worry about you, but it is our choice and most times innate rhythm to do so. It’s because we care. Caring at least for myself; just cannot be turned on or off like a switch.
If you find anything that will be of comfort, help, ease that another can provide, I hope that you know deep enough that there are those who are here, willing and able.
(I love Modern Family. Reee-dic-u-los!)
Be kind to you dear soul.
With light always.
I will always worry until I see you as you were in your college graduation pictures. You were beautiful and healthy and glowing…Not that you aren’t beautiful now. But you looked *alive* in a way I can’t fully explain when you were holding that diploma, ready to take on the world.
But you see, it is never too late. I am 46 and I still have dreams and goals that I don’t want anorexia to destroy. Don’t get me wrong. Almost every bite of food still scares the baby Jesus out of me, to borrow your phrase. I still can’t sit and just eat without being frightened. And I do argue back and forth with my ED doctor about these last few pounds that he insists I need to gain, but I (or my ED) wants some sense of control and that is to stay at this weight, and I constantly argue that I am still healthy, so why does five pounds matter so much? He says it matters because of the mindset indicated by my refusal to reach my goal weight, that there is still a small part of me that is allowing ED to be in control. I have had to learn to change from the inside, too, and allowing myself to give control over to God and my doctor was the hardest thing I have had to do.
However you get to recovery is not as important than that you do get to recovery!
{{{Hugs}}}
Angela
And I am raising my hand in the air!!! You can be hilarious!!! I particularly liked the dog picture…
Angela,
You are … too much.
I will show you how I catch rainbows. Look for my email!
Hi Missy! My heart goes out to you. I remember those days, but not as clearly as I once did. Thankfully, it has been about 7 years since I have been there and I never want to go back. God can heal you and He wants to dear Missy! His arms are wide open and He wants you to fall into Him. God gives us all free will. Of course, He may need you to do some scary things, but remember Christ casts out all fear. With Him, nothing is impossible. Do you have people in your life who are strong in their faith? For me, that was very important, not simply for recovery, but for life and in my desire to be closer to God. I will be praying for you and if you ever want to talk…please email me. I would love to just be a friend. No judgement, no telling you what to do, just a friend in Christ. May God bless you. He loves you so much!
Hi Karla,
Thanks so much for you kind words and prayer.
I am a bit puzzled..when you write that you have been “there” do you mean you have been sugar-free, flour-free and proud?
Or just in general have suffered with an ED and this is just a general reply to my blog?
Sorry. I wasn’t clear was I? Ops! I struggles with anorexia. I can rememberbeing very upset when people tried to tell me how to heal, in terms of food. I wanted to eat what I wanted to eat and not eat what I wanted to eat. I remember being ticked that I wasn’t telling them what/how to eat, but they felt the right to because I was sick. I was sick of people thinking I didn’t know anything beacuse I was sick- when in fact I knew more about nutrition/health than any of them. I understand their opinions were out of concern, but all I cared about what that I was treated like an idiot. Now, I am thankful that I know about nutrition and take care of my body. I do eat sugar, flour, etc. But, I also eat fruits, vegetables, protein, etc. I once feared pizza, but now I enjoy pizza in moderation with my husband and we’ve had some wonderful memories involving ice cream dates!
I never thought I would be where I am today. I use to fear food. I feared I would lose all control and binge and gain and gain. I never thought I would meet someone I would marry. I never thought I would even want to stop the eating disorder. But, I now enjoy eating (all my favorite foods), I am happily married, and I don’t ever want to go back to the living dead, which I always used to describe my eating disorder because while I was living, I felt so dead most of the time.
Wow…you really do get it!
Thanks for explaining, and again fro your prayers!
Sometimes I feel like a complete turnaround is not in the cards for me and it gives me hope when I hear a story like yours…
And also a happiness to know that SOME people actually beat this evil monster even if I can’t.
I know that recovery can be in the cards for you! God promises that. I remember feeling happy for those recovered but never feeling like I could. but when I was honest with myself it was bc part of me didn’t want to recover. I know its taboo to say but it was true. part of me didn’t want to give it up even though I wanted to have more energy, feel alive etc. I can tell by your posts that God has made you a strong woman and we know with Gods strength all things are possible.
so what if i said i’m not going to eat anything but rice because there are people who don’t have anything but rice? (this is what i eat and the only thing i eat and NO not in quantity)
what would you do or say? i am anorexic. i am older than you by a stretch. i’m barely eating? why? because i don’t deserve to eat. as long as there are people who are hungry i don’t deserve to eat either. logical? no. duh. but eds aren’t logical. extremes aren’t logical.
nobody can say anything that matters in the end. in the end we either get it together or we die. in the interim God won’t love you less. God won’t love me less.
i’m pretty sure he cries a lot though.
if you can surrender to the love of the people around you, do it. save yourself years of finding new and uglier ways to wrap the ed in swatches of unreal pain and suffering. it will not get better between you and you. it can’t.
What would I say?
I’d say that this disease is effing EVIL.
I hope you have people you can reach out to, feel free to email me if you would like support/an ear…etc.
that’s nice but i can’t anymore. it doesn’t matter. my existence hurts them. why would i want that for you?
the only bit of peace i have is knowing that the money i don’t spend feeding myself feeds others because i give it away. i had to rationalize some part of this or I WOULD FEEL evil for not getting better.
all i know is that it gets worse. when you think it can’t get worse it does and it can. i don’t go out either. maybe once a month. i don’t need anything. i don’t want anything. i have a degree. i had a life. i don’t anymore. i will probably die. my heart does weird things. i feel it. i want it all to end. none of this was fair to my family or the people who care. when you run far away so nobody has to see you anymore because of this disease… well you get the picture.
please lean on someone else’s understanding for a while until it’s better for you. not between you and God because believe me the ed ruins that too– at least one’s own interpretation of it. i seriously doubt that God is thrilled that i eat what i do and give the money to starving people when im starving.
i don’t have any other mental problems. i know long term this won’t help anyone. i know i’m going to die. i guess i’m depressed but mainly that is also from the ed. i’m tired. a lot. sucks the life right out of life. takes over most thoughts. all that crap you already know. i smoked, too. rationalized that money as well. quit in a minute. didn’t need the energy. figured somebody else could use it. it’s amazing the things you’ll do over a disease process just to feel better when you know inside you feel like nothing. i told myself i wanted to quit (i did but it wasn’t why i did, does that make sense? that’s the dif between the ed talking and me, Ava, talking) anorexia keeps you feeling like nothing. it never gets better single handed. never in my experience anyway.
sorry for the whinge. love to you. please don’t die when there is help. let them love you back to Missy. i wish it for you.
Wow. You sound REALLY depressed and hopeless.
I mean, absolutely hopeless!
I’m not sure how long your body can survive with just rice, but you will die of your lack of hope. You will die of sadness..in fact you sound like you are just really living a death anyways.
You absolutely have to find hope! Can I help you? Please?
i would love to watch you heal. i would love to find hope by watching that. that could help me. i pray. i write. i read. i paint. sometimes i sit in the sun. i have therapy though we are realistic not in denial. i occasionally talk to my closest friends about anything but this. i’m doing what i can with what i’ve got and for now that means i give away. it gives me hope because those people have hope. that’s enough for me. i’m making lemonade of lemons, so to speak.
please take care. xo
That warms me to hear…your prior comments sounded so bleak but it does appear that you have beauty and love in your life. Thta makes me feel so much better.
I would love to be inspirational…but unfortunately right now I am not a vision of health.
[...] Yes, you heard right. Sugar. You see? I’m not as strict as some may think. [...]
I get the same thing from people. Truthfully, most people have horrid eating habits and they dont even know it.
As long as you ARE eating regularly, like every 4-6 hours, then I support you 1000%. That is a very very very healthy food choice. I do the same thing. It helps me manage my weird blood suger and keeps me very healthy. Lots of fruit and vegys! Remember you DO need those proteins and complex carbs too!
(at least one meat or protein source a day…its doesn’t need to be dog xD
AND 2-3 servings of complex carbs like long grain brown/wild rice or plain popcorn or granola or flourless bread etc.)
Good luck! <3
Sadly I have to admit to not getting in complex carbs from grains on most days and especially not recently as I have become weary of many things due to my tummy issues.
But protein I gots in spades! I am a protein addict almost.
Love it.