Earlier this week I read this post by Sophia. As always, her thought-provoking writing stirred a response in me. I spontaneously wrote a comment which I have been thinking about ever since and I want to remember it. Here it go:
What kind of recovery stage do I think I am in right now?
Ouch. Tough one. A bunch of answers come to mind immediately:
Gathering Courage stage, going backward stage, wtf stage, letting god work stage, realizing I can’t only He can stage….
who am I? stage…
But you know what?
I’m not even on “the stage of recovery” right now. I can’t lie.
I am in the dressing room…waiting for The Director to say “places, please.” God is behind the scenes doing all sorts of set work and prop building and casting, though. I know that.
I’m memorizing my lines (Finding myself in Him and His Word) and getting into Character. I am in wardrobe (casting off old robes and putting on his new robes) and building the Confidence I need to make my debut when the curtain comes up again.
The first time? I wrote the script myself and the play bombed. I got some good practice, some good exposure and some street cred. But guess what? I landed a part in a big-time, for real deal production. One with a long history of results, and the most POWERFUL playwright and producer of all time.
- What stage are you on (in life, in recovery, in spiritual growth…etc.
I know that this isn’t related to recovery. But I read this blog and all I could think of was Mrs.Flores! Hope you are doing well.
You would know I wasn’t the best in Drama.
I was a better cheerleader.
That required a lot of acting on my part since I stuill don’t really understand football. “First and ten say what?”
that’s how i feel about ayn rand and ‘atlas shrugged.’ the book gave me strength to be myself and to enter recovery. x
Missy,
Your writing is always moving!
I’m in the “oh crap there’s a play and I’m supposed to be in it? I better draw the drapes and lock the doors so they can’t find me” stage
Oh, crap.
Imma get my superhero costume on and come find you….well, at least I could give you a hug.
and you know what? We all will stand and applaud at then. Heck, you better curtsey when we do!!
We will all applaud and wait for that princess curtsey, and it will be beautiful! I have faith in you, Missy!
I believe you are on the stage of recovery. The first part of recovery from anything is becoming aware that you need to recover from something, whether it is anorexia, or alcoholism, or other illnesses. You are more aware and you are working toward walking onto the center stage of recovery. You know you need recovery, and you are discovering that for you, the most important of recovery is God and His plan for you. Now you just have to realize that God is with you and step forward…You can do it. His arms will always be around you to catch you if you fall, and will gently guide you forward again when you need it. I sense that you are ready.
An interesting topic. I appreciate you analogy, but I wonder if instead God has ALREADY asked you to take your place, and you haven’t, perhaps due to stage fright or performance anxiety or any host of reasons. And I get it….but at the same time, I know that there is so much better waiting for you once you take the plunge and follow God’s call. I’ve been praying for you, friend! xo
I wonder the same thing. Even as I wrote it I was like do I smell ED.S?
But this is really where I am. God needs me to work on myself first — I can’t eat or gain weight my way into recovery. But I do know what you mean.
from my own experience and from what i learned from my psychology study at uni though, this is how it actually works: you need to eat and gain weight in order to enable your brain to work on yourself. you can’t do the work beforehand because you are not able to do it. this is also the hardest part of recovery: you have to start gaining before you can work on all the other stuff. as long as you’re not eating enough you have no capacity to go further therapy-wise. i know it’s effing hard to do it, i almost backed out, but let me tell you: it works. but the first thing you need to do is GAIN weight.
here’s a very interesting study, called the minnesota starvation experiment. random soldiers were put on a semi-starvation diet over a period of 6 months to see what happens to them psychologically, and after that time they could go back to eating normally. many of the results are very important to be aware of when dealing with eating disorders, i think. i’ll copy some parts for you to read: (note that the men all ate normally before being put on this diet)
“Psychologically, the men became obsessed with food, meal times and everything to do with eating (a number became chefs after the experiment; such was their interest in food). They had to ‘buddy up’ to avoid breaking their diets, as their drive to binge was so enormous. Before the buddy system was put in place, a couple did get hold of some forbidden food and binge and suffered extreme guilt and self-loathing as a result. (It is fair to assume, therefore, that, had this not been a confined experiment, all men would have given up on their ‘diet’). The men reported extreme depression, irritability, a sense of deprivation and they lost all interest in sex. (They actually lost all interest in anything other than food – such is the human drive to overcome hunger).”
this means: first comes starving THEN comes obsessing over food. so i guess it’s logical that recovery must work this way: first eating THEN working on disordered thinking, changing cognition etc.
this is important, too:
“Again, it is important to emphasize that following the months of refeeding, the Minnesota volunteers did not skyrocket into obesity. On the average, they gained back their original weight plus about 10%; then, over the next 6 months, their weight gradually declined. By the end of the follow-up period, they were approaching their preexperiment weight levels.”
(for further reading google “minnesota semi-starvation experiment”, or look here: http://www.possibility.com/wiki/index.php?title=EffectsOfSemiStarvation)
i know you’re strong enough to do this. but you must eat first. what helped me was medication and lots of distraction in the first phase of weight gain, but i was in IP treatment as well, and got a lot of support there.
i pray for you.
Thank you so much.
I am very familiar with that study and it is very true to my experience as well.
I do eat, don’t get me wrong. I just do not get enough calories in I suppose. My recent bloodwork showed some deficiencys in my sodium and vitamin d levels. I have since addressed the problem and am continuing to follow up — but all my other levels looked good.
I am going to have a more complete blood workup done by a wholistic Doctor —
perhaps seing in concrete form (as I did with the Vitamin D) if there are any deficiencies and imbalances in my vitamins, minerals and etc….then I will realize that my brain must be screwed up.
But I spent many many months at my highest weight recently — I did my time. It was the darkest place I have ever been in my life. NOTHING felt better. I suppose I just broke after a while.
That’s why whatever happens next is just — not gonne be in my hands because I cannot gain weight right now. I am not strong enough.
I am not happy or proud or obstinate about this. I am simply stating what is true.
I cannot.
God can and will help me though. In him I have Faith and Strength.
I agree with what bluemouthed said. From my own personal experience, it wasn’t until I forced myself (and yes, it really was NOT fun) to eat more, and more nutritiously, that I was able to make any of the mental/self-related progress toward recovery. At some point, you just have to DO something. But I know you know all this. And I know that you want to get better. I’ll be praying.
Wow.
Coming from you? I will for sure be reflecting on that for a while now.
Thank you so much!
Any time we try to write the script by ourselves it just doesn’t work out! So true!
I love this, you write beautifully, Missy. And what a great analogy to a stage
. Hopefully you find the strength to leave the dressing room and trust in Him (the playright!)
You got this girl.You can do it. You know you can. You have the skills and everything you learned in treatment, now you just need to apply them!
eta- i know its much easier said then done, just want to give u the extra boost of encouragement that you CAN beat this.
I have a feeling that you wrote this post because you wanted (maybe not even consciously wanted) some encouragement (or a bit of a shove) to get onto the stage… Terrifying? Undoubtedly, but it’s where you’re meant to be.
Sorry that the promised email did not materialise last weekend
. I’ll write soon and will be sharing some white-girl hip-hop love 
.
So much love to you dear Missy. Be brave, x x x
I like to think that recovery isn’t one of those straight lines… that thinking about it is part of the journey… that stumbles are part of the journey… i imagine you are somewhere on that journey
I often worry that eating disorder memoirs and movies perpetuate this “click” moment.. this belief that all of a sudden you want to get well. that equally all of a sudden you do. I believe in the journey… i believe in the moment by moment regaining of your life. your ability to occasionally think about other things. to enjoy a cup of hot chocolate. to relax a little bit. to just be.
I think we should be friends. Wanna meet for some hot chocolate?
*hugs* Good luck. God bless you.