Life hands us stuff: lemons, blessings, unfortunately located piles of dog poo, rainbows….etc. Not all of it is tasteful, but our job is to make do.
And sometimes that means thinking WTF and moving on.
WTF as in: WHATEVER. TOTALLY FINE.
Life’s been handing me WAY too much reality than I care for this week. I need to unload.
This WTF Wednesday is a bit of an overshare.
I prefer my reality with a side of glitter and more cowbell, but all I’ve got is bare-skinned truth served up raw. Reader beware.
Before I begin, here’s a rainbow. See it? I feel more balanced already.
My flu-like symptoms and I went to the Doctor yesterday. Guess what guys? I have anorexia. Who’d have thought?
In other words, he took one look at me and told me my body was malnourished despite what my bloodwork might indicate.
I have the BEST Dr. in the world. He knows my history, my diagnosis…he knows that I know. He knows my entire family actually. He grasps my hands in his, gives the best hugs and tells me he loves me (all of which make me cry like a baby). He told me it hurt him to watch me destroy my life when I was capable of such happiness.
The thing is, I thought I had the flu. But no. I do this to myself, evidently.
“You’ll be lucky if you reach the age of forty,” he said.
“Your brother died of a heart attack on the soccer field. You will die alone in your bed in the middle of the night.”
There is absolutely nothing Totally Fine about that.
I left with a prescription for Prilosec and Glucerna. I told him the Glucerna wasn’t going to happen but I’d think about it and try to make my own version.
My unwillingness really bothered me. I kept asking myself “Why Not?” and I didn’t like the sound of my answers.
So I got these:
Question is will I drink them? If not – WHY not?
It’s just a 160 calorie, dairy-free protein shake. That’s it!
Someone needs some WTF lessons.
Just drink the dang drink. Whatever. It’s totally fine.
Continuing on in my atypical Tuesday…..
I went back to a support group that I have not attended in many months. It was wonderful. It was another 1.5 hours of being acutely aware that I have a major problem.
Let me be clear: I know I have a problem and I think about it everyday. I just mix it with a hefty dose of sparkles and rainbows. I have a pre-programmed auto-escape.
Oh and Friday?
Friday will mark two years gone by since my brother died.
Two more years of taking up space he’d be filling with so much more.
There is absolutely nothing Totally Fine about that.
I’ve been anticipating this date for months. I knew this week would be rough but….wow.
Now, if you don’t mind I’m gonna finish up work, go to church and then come home and crawl into this:
Yup. I’m 33 and I built a fort. Whatever. Totally Fine.
Don’t be jealous. I’d let you in.
My heart aches and breaks for you in so many ways. I wish I had words of wisdom, advice, splendor that would bring it all to a space that would have calm be yours forever.
I just want to remind you that YOU ARE NOT A WASTE OF SPACE (yes, I just used all caps, but not cause I’m yelling but emphasizing). You are a lovely light in many forms and I prefer you to be in this space that I exist as well.
Do you the goodness that you can…..and then some. As in; keep reaching out to the sources you are. This is all part of a process and you are doing it. Honor this. Honor you.
I admire it all.
With light, love and hopes that you know you aren’t the only 30-ish gal who loves forts and the fun things.
(((((HUGS)))))
Forts rock. I should build one for myself. It’s something comforting about just saying I need a break from the world and act like a kid for a while, you know? So, yep, a fort…I am with you.
I agree with The Senses…..she basically took the words out of my mouth…um, fingers?
I don’t want to have you be gone by the time you turn 40. I want you to be around! It has been a difficult week for you, and you are so full of determination..it’s inspiring for me. You are an amazing beautiful person.
XXX
Agh missy you’re in my prayers. I think we are living parallel lives right now… I keep saying its the flu but it’s not and I know it. But I have plans on the 12th and I’ll struggle till then
I need to email you.
sweet girl.. i wanna send you a hug too. you are not a waste of space. to believe that means you believe God made a mistake. that He doesn’t have a plan for you, or had one for your brother. i know you don’t believe that, really… the pain just tells us lies.
i am so thrilled you are going to a support group, and to church. please please please don’t let your anorexic behavior tell you to stop doing that, EVER. it is your only hope, sweet girl. not because you are a failure, but because you CANNOT do this alone. you cant you cant you cant. it cant be done. but you know what you CAN do? flourish. live the life God craves for you. be happy. keep begging God for strength to approach that life, ok? love you!
Your words ….you have a way of communicating with me! You’re like a Christian mentor to me. Is that weird’?
plus… your health is not how God measures your obedience. at all. (think Joni Earikson Tada)
you are WAY too kind, sweet girl. i only share with you in love the things i’ve had to learn through tears and pain myself. i had to go through countless episodes of sexual abuse, getting kicked out of my house, blacking out from drugs, pregnancy scares, totally messed up relationships that left me dead inside, and a chronic illness that i will NEVER escape from to FINALLY stop running from God and let Him inside my fears, to admit to others i really needed help and then DO WHATEVER IT TOOK to get out of there. i’m still in counseling and still a complete mess, but now i’m God’s mess on the right track. i know i’m pointed in the right direction.
i only say all this because i beg you to not be like me. don’t lose everything before you are finally willing to let your pride down and let God (and others) scoop you up. i love you girl, and have 100% faith in the story of your life that God’s written, not the hell you live in now.
Rebekah,
Sadly — I have already lost everything.
The only thing I have is my quasi-health.
Which….well. You know.
I love this: “i’m God’s mess on the right track.”
I hope I can say that. But there are some things God wants me to do and I am not doing them, a shame that grows more unbearable everyday so hopefully that will change.
sweet girl, you haven’t lost everything. you are alive, which means God finds it in His will to give you more time. plus, you are not a doctor, you don’t know what could happen if you were to actually try recovery.
also, there is no measurement of how much you have to do to be on the “right track”. if you are listening to God (not necessarily doing it yet) and yielding ANY part of your heart, you are walking towards His heart. life as a Christian is a progression. sometimes forwards, sometimes backwards, and sometimes really jacked up. but the point is you KNOW that God has more for you, and you want that (at least some tiny part, even if you choose to do other things instead). that you have faith in HIM, not YOU. i love you girlie. message me on fb if you want to talk more about this…. God had to drag me through a lot and i’m 110% willing to share what He’s taught me. we love you, girlie.
Wow. Needed to hear this. Thank you and for sure I will be in touch!
Oh Missy dearest, I wish you were here in England I would love to come and play forts! I used to spend my childhood doing this like every day and still do at times!!!! I send you lots and lots of hugs. Please DO keep oversharing, remember fellowship means worldwide- support, care. You are a wonderful person, God loves every atom of your being because He made you, you are perfectly and wonderfully made in His image. You are fabulous and you inspire me with your rainbows and positivity. Take care xx
It would be cool to visit you!
You do take up space, Missy. Space in the hearts of your many blog followers. Space in the hearts of your family. Space in God’s heart.
Btw, your fort is very cool.
You are in my prayers this week and always.
oh missy, you are lucky to have a such a wonderful honest doctor. I have the same kind of doctor. He is a friend and he truly cares. Now is the time to start LIVING for your brother. God knows its hard, and satan is totally sneaking in on you. He’s creepy like that. He’s doing the same to me. ARGH! But be BOLD and take that leap. I know your heart can handle it.
p.s.
Those shakes have saved me too. I also like the SVELTE from whole foods. Although it has soy, which i try to limit. http://sveltebrand.com/
I’ll have to check it out.
I saw a nice clean drink in WF and Vitamin store but it was close to 300 calories and had 13 grams of sugar and I just couldn’t.
Those look like I might be able to suck it up —
especially since the packaging is so cute.
BOLD.
Know there is a reason you wrote that…..I am going to be ruminating on Bold for a while. It jumped out at me.
I I saw “Orgain” http://www.drinkorgain.com/ And considered it –seemed so natural. But to be honest the calories were..I just couldn’t. And it had 13 grams of sugar (all natural but you know I am a no-sugar girl) and I just …couldn’t. This was like a 10 minute process. LOL.
I have seen the svelte and I think I may be able to handle that especially because the packaging is so cool. I’m a sucker. And 9 grams is better than 13.
I’m so sorry that you are having a rough time. I wish I could come to your fort and hang out and drink muscle milk with you
I want to give you a hug. I wish I could help. I LOVE your fort. I LOVE the wonderful caring comments left above. And I LOVE you Missy Miller. I know that things are going to be unspeakably tough for you, this week and longer… hang on in there and keep reaching out for support.
So much love, x x x
I was just thinking about you last week! I meant to sent you an email but I’ve been sick.
Sweet friend, you are not a waste of space. NEVER let anyone/anything/any voice tell you that, because it is simply not true. You are a beautiful child of God. He doesn’t make mistakes. End of story.
I pray that you can use the doctor’s words as a wakeup call to take some substantial steps towards recovery–not just steps that seem large to you but steps that seem large to someone who treats patients with EDs. I want you to get better and to experience the freedom of health (real health) and the feelings of fulfillment that come from knowing that God has helped you overcome many obstacles so that you can bless others with your wholeness.
Gosh, Sarah I want that too….so much.
Thanks for your words. Steps…I will be reflecting on that of course.
Oh, Missy! If I were there, I would give you the biggest hug and then drink muscle milk with you. Please find the strength within to move forward in recovery. You need food. You need nutrition. And you need to get better and LIVE!!! You do not take up too much space!
I wish I could find the words to help you…I pray for you every day. You are a beautiful child of God, and you have so much to offer this world. You have so much to give…Please remember you are loved by many.
{{{Hugs}}}
Angela
And I hate muscle milk. But I would still drink it with you, and I might even try a PeeBee and pickle.
That? Probably made my day. Thanks!
Thank you for being so real! To echo everyone else…you are not a waste of space. The disease is horribe and will do whatever it can to bring you down…you just need to stay ahead, one step at a time! You can totally drink those drinks!
<3
PS – I'd definitely hang out in that fort…shoot I am jealous : )
Build you a fort woman!
you’re not a waste of space.
if nothing else, please always remember that.
x
First of all, you have a good doctor. He sounds tough, but he sounds like a good doctor to talk to you like that and not blow you off like almost all other health professionals do.
You are definitely not a waste of space. You really do mean a lot to people, even on your blog and the comments you leave for others. How would you feel if you found out one of your blogger friends passed away? I mean, if your blog didn’t update in my google reader for a week or so, I know I would be super worried that something had happened. I am sure others here share those thoughts, by reading these comments.
Please drink the muscle milk at least. It’s not glucerna but it’s a start.
I know I am not a waste of space but….I well…living this way I kind of am.
It sickens me that …SICKENS…..me that I cause people to worry. It’s just so VERY hard for me to … believe I am in danger. I know that sounds weird.
Im probably gonna suck it up and drink the muscle milk —
I just need to get my mojo back.
Last month marked the 7th anniversary of my brother’s death. It gets different but it doesn’t get easier- stop waiting to change.
That sounds very harsh — am I reading that wrong? Like are you saying “get over it and stop whining?”
Or do you mean stop “waiting” to change and start changing?
The latter. I mean there’s no “being over it” to wait for. Your relation to “it” will change, of course, but I don’t think death is something we can ever be totally fine with, and that doesn’t make us defective or unenlightened.
So start changing now. As a lot of these other comments say, it’s what your brother would want for you; but want it for yourself, too. Want to change because you deserve it, and you’re not just taking up space.
Thanks girl!
I hope you have found peace in your brother’s passing and thanks so much for your words.
Because ….well, people who have read this blog for over a year and have been waiting for me to change and watching ME wait to change. It’s really pathetic. I need to get my azz on tazzk.
I drank the muscle milk yesterday. So there’s that. LOL.
I admire your attitude, perseverance, fort, coping skills. I can relate to your piles of dog poo. There’s so much more I want to say, but right now I’m half asleep and trying to think about things in a glittery way and be in denial. But I’m happy you’re blogging with more frequency now. My quality of life is heightened. Thanks!
Sometimes we need to turn the brain down and turn up the glitter.
We are more than our diseases and we are MORE than just our recovery.
I don’t know your brother, but I can say with 99% certainty that he would NOT like to hear you talk this way about yourself. You are not a waste of space.
My heart hurts for you, and I wish there was something I could offer that would help. I will listen. Whenever.
Your 100% right. My brother was amazing — and he overcame a WORLD of difficulty.
He would be kicking my butt. He was always very concerned about my ED. I think of all my family he actually GOT how it is a disease and an addiction.
One of his favorite sayings was “I never try- I just do.” I think it is from Yoda.
I’m so sorry to hear that things have been rough for you lately. I think it’s great that you went to a support group though. Maybe if the steps your doctor is suggesting are too big right now, the support group can help you take smaller steps that will equal out to the bigger ones eventually (or maybe they can offer more support as you do try to take bigger steps).
Your brother wouldn’t want you to have to go through this and I bet he’d want you to be happy and do some of the things he’d planned on doing with his life. It is SO hard to lose someone who is young and has so much to offer the world because you can’t stop thinking about all the things that person could have done in life had his/her life been longer. But, like I said, I bet your brother would want you to be happy and maybe it would make him proud if you accomplished something he’d have wanted to do (although I bet he was already proud to have a sister like you!!). You’re a very strong person and maybe as you make steps toward recovery you can tell yourself that your brother would be proud of you for living life to its fullest.
sending lots of ((hugs)) your way!!
~Kris
Thanks so much for the encouragement.
My main impetus to going out to the meetings is to 1- get out of the house and out of isolation which tends to suck me in. And 2- it forced me to spend a good 1-2 hours “facing” the fact that I have a major issue that I cannot ignore.
Very proud of you
Thanks. Not sure why though….I’m not doing so great. Maybe it’s my fort?
I think we’re all proud because it takes so much bravery to A) recognize that there’s an issue, B) explore steps to help yourself through it, C) sharing your journey with others… among many other things. We all know how hard it is to keep going when you’re “not doing so great.”
So, to reiterate– you’re loved.
Missy, I’m 45 and lost my brother 13 yrs ago. I miss him every day. LOSING SOMEONE SO YOUNG SUCKS. YOU are young! PLEASE….I beg of you. drink donkey milk if you must. you have such potential….beauty, brains, eloquence. do not let this disease win. I know, easier said than done, but each journey starts with one step. Drink the effing donkey milk and up the REAL FOOD.
Thank you.
I think I might make a post it of this:
“Drink the effing donkey milk and up the REAL FOOD.”
And stick it on my fridge.
Thank you thank you thank you.
I am so sorry about your brother.
My sister died a year and two months ago.
It. Hurts. Like. Hell.
I’m so sorry.
Oh goodness, I am sorry to hear that!
It is so very hard.
And, to echo everyone else. You don’t need a reason TO drink the milk, or NOT to drink the milk. Just drink it. But that’s been said already, and I know you know.
Not to sound harsh, but the longer you wait, the harder it is. There will be no “right” time to suck it up. Buy drinks that aren’t “diet,” drink them and move on. I know I’m a witch and I sound unsympathetic, but sometimes that’s what you need. I’ve been there, I’ve done that and if you’re not able to go inpatient, you have to give up control and do what you know you need to do, not what you want to do at your pace.
We all just worry, and honestly, I don’t know what more we can say. Your brother is gone, but you don’t want to have your family deal with the loss of you as well. It’s real. It’s able to be repaired, and it’s not found in a diet drink. Take care, my friend…
Thanks Abby. Needed the swift kick. I don’t think you are a witch and I don’t view your comment as unsympathetic. It is real and you are 100% correct. If I were on the outside looking in (and I kind of am — at least my rational mind is) I would want to grab myself by the shoulders and shake me —slap me around.
Maybe I should imagine the ED as a persona and do just that….hmmm.
Yeah, it kind of killed me that shake I got was a “weight loss” shake.
It’s so hard to grasp that a supplement is something I need… I mean, I eat! But what I like is that it has all those vitamins and protein in one fell swoop and I don’t take any vitamins. So I feel like it is medicine.
But Missy, its really okay to view it as medicine. As you said yourself, you’re sick. Actually, you said you’re making yourself sick, which I think is not completely true. But what is definately true is that it is in YOUR hands to get better. And getting better means listening to the experts/doctors, reaching out for help (and accepting it!) and sometimes it also means taking medicine. So, take your medicine.
PS: Please note that medicine does not come in ‘diet’, ‘light’ or ‘fat free’ form, especially not if it is anorexia you’re trying to cure. People who are sick need to be taken care of. They deserve to be taken care of. So do you. So please, take care of yourself and let others help you do so. YOU DESERVE RECOVERY
Such sweet and kind words! Thank you…and hello!
I took my medicine (0:
Kicking ED out takes a lot of energy. Too much so. Sending you some positive punch to fight with, right now!
You are so sweet Missy, and I’m so incredibly sorry you’re dealing with all this right now! But to echo everyone else, just take the leap and start drinking the muscle milk. It doesn’t make you a weak or worthless person for having to rely on a supplement–it’ll actually make you stronger!
P.S. I know you can make it past 40. Prove the doctors wrong!
I drank the donkey milk!
It was actually kind of sickeningly gross.
So, I plan on mixing it with almond milk and maybe making a smoothie with some frozen fruit. Even more calories! Ha.
xoxoxo
Sending lots of hugs and love.
Take care of yourself Missy! Once you start nourishing yourself, your brain and feelings will function better; things will become clearer, more vibrant, and you’ll see real “sunshine and rainbows” in your life! You deserve to be happy and thriving!
XOXOXOO
Barbara
I bet the glitter and rainbows on the other side of recovery are AMAZING.
This post made me want to give you a giant hug. I know what the doctor said to you is startling and concerning and scary and totally wtf– as in its original meaning– but maybe he’s worth listening to. I also have a habit of pulling the good ol’ “auto-escape” but it’s really not helping anything. In fact, it only makes things worse in the long run.
You don’t have to die alone in your bed before you’re forty.
You don’t have to be sick.
You don’t have to be anorexic.
You, we, can make better choices, push ourselves further in our recovery, and defy our circumstances. I really believe that.
<3 Be good to yourself.
My friend Peter died of a heart attack on the soccer field, too. My heart still bleeds for such an unexpected and inexplicable loss. I can only begin to imagine what it must feel like when it’s your brother.
You’re an amazing girl. I hope you learn to drink the drink.
I drank that drank!
Ugh, I know the muscle milk game. That stuff is nas-tay. Fortunately I found Advant-edge shakes, which taste MUCH better. (Still “diet” though… um, oops.) Definitely mix it with something yummier — almond milk is the bomb!
I am pulling for you. I see so many parallels in our own lives/recoveries — though I have never lost a close family member and can only imagine how painful it must be. This blog has only ever inspired me, ESPECIALLY posts like this which are so brutally honest and force me to be real with myself.
I think it’s awesome you drank the donkey milk. Keep being awesome and glitter&rainbows shall ensue.
OMG–
So funny because I just picked up those EAS shakes from Publix (the carb control 100 calorie ones) and they are SO much better. I actually did mix 1/2 with almoo with some coconut water.
I am glad you enjoy to read my blog, and hope to connect more with you.
WHY ARE YOU GETTING DIET MUSCLE MILK????? get the whole kind!! You NEED IT!!!!!! your very concerned readers have been telling you this for years. At this point it’s about survival. It’s tough. I know. We all know. But you still have to do it. Please. Your doctor is right.
I know, Patty, I know.
I can always rely on you for the kick in the pants.
I am sorry I am so pathetic.
This disease is …so tricky.
But thank you. I suppose I was compromising. Doing what I can.
Maybe the time has come to forget compromise.
you compromised when you decided to give up your life, happiness, and health to anorexia. there are no compromises left, sweet girl. just choosing life (which you CAN still have) or death (= “compromises”). (ps – you KNOW i mean this in love love love)
Somehow, I only just noticed this.
Your brother’s death is unfair. Your ED is unfair. Life is unfair. It sucks and its nobody’s fault.
But you can come through this. Good luck with everything.
REALLY-JUST DO IT-Yes its harsh and it comes down that plain and simple-nothing else has worked so just eat, and then eat again and again-there is no room for thought at this stage because your brain is starved and can’t handle it.
Please look at this blog-
http://www.gwynetholwyn.com/blog/2011/9/17/is-it-too-late-for-me-to-recover-from-restricted-eating-beha.html
Take care
Thanks! I will check it out.
I know I sound crazy and I sound crazy to myself when I think all this smack….trust me. But it’s there. I have to talk back to “it” just like you suggested. I did drink the supplements — actually they make me sick. So, I’m still trying to figure out how to work them in. When I drink one, I get nausea, stomach pain and end up throwing up violently. I think my stomach has always been sensitive to vitamins — I think that may be it.
I’m going to go build a fort right now