Conviction

 

“The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable”

Brennan Manning

I’ve been feeling convicted about declaring my Faith in God and speaking of my relationship with Him; declaring myself a Christian.

As a child of God I am called to spread His Light and Freedom and Love….and I love to do so.

Yet, look at me. I am mired in sin and imprisoned by fear.

I’m a mess.

Not a picture of what life in Christ looks like.

While this conviction DOES strengthen my resolve to grow and heal, I’m feeling so ashamed. Like I want to stay quiet.

You wanna know what’s awesome though? I can’t.

Christ has grabbed onto my heart so firmly that squelching any praise or talk about Him is….

Simply not an option.

Impossible. I can’t help it. It’s like breathing.

Because I DO LOVE GOD.

 

I DO HAVE FAITH.

I AM A CHRISTIAN.

It was not a decision I had to make, to believe.

One day, I simply did.

And that belief, that faith, is moving me to examine every single choice in my life. That’s how God leads us. Saves us. It can’t be undone. He will not let you go.

So, I should probably get myself together and start acting like I got some sense.

(God knows all this, trust me. We’re working on it. I am still in my Tug-of-War with God. But I’m getting really tired and weak. The game is getting old.)

PS- (I haven’t always been a Christian, which explains why the quote above resonates with me so completely.)

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In Which I Curse Vicariously

I don’t feel good about my post yesterday. What started out as something positive for me (and really spontaneous) turned into something that was draining on my energy and I want to move on (i.e, get that post off my homepage.)

I appreciate all the comments (as always). They make me think, learn, and challenge myself which I know is necessary. So thank-you. I am sorry if I make some of you want to grab me by the shoulders and shake me into recovery.

I wish you could do that, too. Unfortunately there is no magic trick and my recovery is in my hands. I do my best with what I have.

Anyways….I had a giggle because with such a long rant yesterday I’m surprised nobody said:

“Dang girl, maybe you’d calm down if you ate a freaking carb!”

Raise your hand if you think I’m hilarious.

• It is ATYPICAL TUESDAY today for me and so I am off to explore my evening rather than perform my evening. Routine can be a form of bondage. I’m trying to break free.

What are you doing in your life that is adventurous and beyond your routine?

 

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No Sugar. No Flour. No Apologies.

 Let me clear my throat.

*ahem*

People trying to convince me to eat sugar or flour — I just don’t get it. It’s the same as urging a vegetarian to eat meat. Unnecessary. Annoying.

It really fizzles my sparkle.

Back off! You know?

I live sugar-free and flour-free and I’m proud.*

*feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something, contented, satisfied 

I have firm beliefs about both of these things, beliefs that have been reinforced by solid research and fact. I have no desire to eat more sugar than I do, which is a miniscule amount.

It is what I (<—Me, Melissa Ann Miller) choose, NOT my eating disorder.

It works for me. I don’t believe anyone needs sugar or flour in a healthy diet.

Natural sugars and carbs? Yes. 

  

Grains? Maybe.

Sugar and Flour? Not so much.

I would say not at all.

I admit my current “diet” and lifestyle is not healthy, but disordered eating and living are the culprits– not sugar and flour avoidance.

I don’t eat dogs, either. But I do not consider that a "rule" and I certainly don’t think that is disordered.

I don’t think I should consider eating dogs. I don’t want to eat them, and I am doing quite fine without.

I’m no Doctor and no advocate. I don’t proselytize my beliefs on anyone. Eat whatever you want.

Eat Sugar.

Eat Flour.

Eat a dog.

I’ll eat whatever I want, too.

PS- Except Maybe don’t eat a dog.

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TGYWT

Thank Goodness Yesterday Was Thursday.

Or, TGYWT! <—with necessary exclamation point.

It’s that time of the week when I take letters and let my fingers do the talking. About? Nothing much. But, no buts. Here I go.

Turkeys

Poor turkeys.

Guilty

I ate an entire bag of these in two days. In two sittings. I didn’t feel guilty about it….until later that week when I ate another bag in ONE day. In two sittings.

Now I feel a little guilty. Mostly because those are expensive chips! *Whole Foods has coupons for you AND they are currently on sale. Who can resist?

Also, I saw a new flavor that I know would appeal to many blogsburgh residents. I don’t do sugar, but these look pretty amazing.

 

 

You might want to check your peanut butter.

There is a recall on Smucker’s Natural Chunky peanut butter in some states. You can click here for more info. I currently have two jars of this stuff but luckily Florida is not one of the affected states. Phew.

*sidenote* I had a contaminated jar of peanut butter a few years back and was feeding it to my dog, Zoe, with her pills. She was SO sick. Poor Zoe. I was fine, probably because I am bigger. (But I almost got sick cleaning up the mess it left behind.) I felt so bad when I heard about the recall and checked my labels. Sure enough….

Poor Zoe.

Why is the government just making stuff up?

Pizza is a vegetable.

What the…say WHAT?  *shakingmyhead* So sad.

I’d give it to them if the pizza was something like this:

But NO. Oh, no.

It’s the same old frozen cheese pizza-like square we all grew up with. 

The vegetable is in the tomato paste. Brilliant.

That means french fries and ketchup are double whammies for that pesky, expensive vegetable quota. Awesome.

This reminds me of of one of my favorite Homer quotes:

 

Those numbers at the bottom of checks give me anxiety.

Why, oh, why can’t we just use a normal font? A nice Helvetica or Times New Roman? I frequently have to transcribe routing and account numbers at work. I have to get it right –large sums of other people’s money are involved. It makes me squirrely.

::|| 00:: <— is that two ones? or just lines? do I include those zeros in the routing number or not? Such tension, such tension.

That is all.

Happy Day.

• Are you eating turkey this week? No judgment. I’ve been eating Turkey about twice a year for a few years but I think I might have to pass this year. My vegetarian sensibilities have returned in full effect. I never really felt right eating it anyway. But it’s good. And my body can use it.
• Have you pigged out on anything lately? Don’t leave me all alone.
• What are some of your favorite Homer/Simpson’s quotes? Please do not leave a comment telling me you don’t like or have never watched The Simpson’s. I don’t want to know. I can’t handle the truth. And I want us to still be friends. (0;

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All the World’s a Stage

Earlier this week I read this post by Sophia. As always, her thought-provoking writing stirred a response in me. I spontaneously wrote a comment which I have been thinking about ever since and I want to remember it. Here it go:

 

What kind of recovery stage do I think I am in right now?

Ouch. Tough one. A bunch of answers come to mind immediately:

Gathering Courage stage, going backward stage, wtf stage, letting god work stage, realizing I can’t only He can stage….
who am I? stage…

But you know what?

I’m not even on “the stage of recovery” right now. I can’t lie.

I am in the dressing room…waiting for The Director to say “places, please.” God is behind the scenes doing all sorts of set work and prop building and casting, though. I know that.

I’m memorizing my lines (Finding myself in Him and His Word) and getting into Character. I am in wardrobe (casting off old robes and putting on his new robes) and building the Confidence I need to make my debut when the curtain comes up again.

The first time? I wrote the script myself and the play bombed. I got some good practice, some good exposure and some street cred. But guess what? I landed a part in a big-time, for real deal production. One with a long history of results, and the most POWERFUL playwright and producer of all time.

 

• What stage are you on (in life, in recovery, in spiritual growth…etc.

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Moment of Zen: Hip Hop Saved My Life

You should watch this. (If you want). Please?

How awesome is that?

I relate to this kid. Big time.

Hip Hop moves me in many ways, depending on the track, the artist, the mood, the styling.

But one thing is for certain. I can always depend on some quality hip hop to flip my frown and find my sparkle.

Yes, I’d be “that white blonde girl” in my minivan with the fish decal on the back jamming to a song like this:

—>Click here if ya want, but be warned* <—

PS – Title of this post is a shout out to Lupe Fiasco, check this track out here <—– (if you want).

*This song is actually one of my favorites. I find the over-the-top nastiness to be hilarious for some reason (not sorry) This is quite a departure from my typical hip-hop preferences, though. In fact, I wouldn’t even call that hip-hop.

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Perspective

That wall you keep hitting?

 

You know. The one that lands you flat on your razzmattazz?

It may be the door.

Question is: Are you BOLD enough to find the doorknob?

Do you TRUST enough?

Do you have FAITH enough?

I believe if we can muster up the trust and the faith….the strength and the courage WILL come.

And freedom is ours.

• Thank you so much for your words of encouragement left after my last post and as always. From the bottom of my heart. Love!!! Pure love.
• More importantly…do you have “a wall” that you are quite familiar with? One that you hit time and time again? What if it was a door? I know. Still scary.

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WTF Wednesday – Overshare Edition

Life hands us stuff: lemons, blessings, unfortunately located piles of dog poo, rainbows….etc. Not all of it is tasteful, but our job is to make do.

And sometimes that means thinking WTF and moving on.

WTF as in: WHATEVER. TOTALLY FINE.

Life’s been handing me WAY too much reality than I care for this week. I need to unload.

This WTF Wednesday is a bit of an overshare.

I prefer my reality with a side of glitter and more cowbell, but all I’ve got is bare-skinned truth served up raw. Reader beware.

Before I begin, here’s a rainbow. See it?  I feel more balanced already.

My flu-like symptoms and I went to the Doctor yesterday. Guess what guys? I have anorexia. Who’d have thought?

In other words, he took one look at me and told me my body was malnourished despite what my bloodwork might indicate.

I have the BEST Dr. in the world. He knows my history, my diagnosis…he knows that I know. He knows my entire family actually. He grasps my hands in his, gives the best hugs and tells me he loves me (all of which make me cry like a baby). He told me it hurt him to watch me destroy my life when I was capable of such happiness.

The thing is, I thought I had the flu. But no. I do this to myself, evidently.

“You’ll be lucky if you reach the age of forty,”  he said.

 “Your brother died of a heart attack on the soccer field. You will die alone in your bed in the middle of the night.”

 

There is absolutely nothing Totally Fine about that.

I left with a prescription for Prilosec and Glucerna. I told him the Glucerna wasn’t going to happen but I’d think about it and try to make my own version.

My unwillingness really bothered me. I kept asking myself “Why Not?” and I didn’t like the sound of my answers.

So I got these:

 

Question is will I drink them? If not – WHY not?

It’s just a 160 calorie, dairy-free protein shake. That’s it!

Someone needs some WTF lessons.

        

Just drink the dang drink. Whatever. It’s totally fine.

Continuing on in my atypical Tuesday…..

I went back to a support group that I have not attended in many months. It was wonderful. It was another 1.5 hours of being acutely aware that I have a major problem.

Let me be clear: I know I have a problem and I think about it everyday. I just mix it with a hefty dose of sparkles and rainbows. I have a pre-programmed auto-escape.

Oh and Friday?

Friday will mark two years gone by since my brother died.

Two more years of taking up space he’d be filling with so much more.

 

There is absolutely nothing Totally Fine about that.

I’ve been anticipating this date for months. I knew this week would be rough but….wow.

Now, if you don’t mind I’m gonna finish up work, go to church and then come home and crawl into this:

Yup. I’m 33 and I built a fort. Whatever. Totally Fine.

Don’t be jealous. I’d let you in.

   

 

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