My Dad told me I eat like a cow.
Oh no he di’int.
Oh yes. He did. And he’s right. My father is a wise man.
Let me explain.
After abandoning my meal plan, I slowly developed a habit of eating “a little of this” and “a little of that” throughout the day. I don’t label it as snacking, it’s more like grazing.
Couple of tomato slices? Don’t mind if I do.
You know what sounds good? An egg white and a pickle.
I’ve wanted to write about this for a while but I was reluctant to be “that girl” with pictures like these on her blog.
I eat what I want (or what I think I want) all day long and I don’t feel like I’m restricting (or am I?)
Consuming mass quantities of broccoli, cauliflower and ketchup is normal, right?
Doesn’t everyone crave daikon radish with himilayan sea salt?
I eat like this all day long. Really. ALL. DAY. LONG.
Thus prompting my father’s cow comment.
“In order to get as big as they are, cows eat all day long. That’s all they do, all they think of, they exist to eat. Because all they eat is grass. Grass has no calories.”
No wonder I’m so miserable, so obsessed with food. You have to eat a lot of grass to grow a big…er…cow.
The “snacks” I’m eating are lacking in many ways. First and foremost? Calories! When I do sit down for dinner, I have to admit the calories are still lacking.
Where does this leave me?
Unsatisfied, ashamed of my frequent trips to the kitchen, and very unproductive. My dad is also my boss. Trust me, he notices.
He even told a client “She eats all day – never stops – just 5 calories at a time.”
Enough is enough. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m bingeing and purging and gaining weight because of it. Unhealthy weight. And I’m still hungry.
I don’t want to be a cow anymore.
It’s time for me to get back into regular meal eating and that takes planning and that means…..dundundun…meal plan.
Sigh.
- Is it hard for you to plan your meals? It’s so laborious to me.
- What is the weirdest comment you’ve gotten about your eating habits?
Friend,
I am so proud of you for coming forward with this. Let me know if you want some help planning (good, yummy, healthy) veggie meals. I’ve got a whole collection of easy recipes and ideas from my early recovery days and even more from my days in treatment.
I love you!
I know all I need to know about how to eat what to eat….etc.
I just …really want some broccolli and salsa now, you know?
So I have it.
Not good.
You look like a fat cow too.
I may be fat but you’re ugly and I can go on a diet.
So there.
LOL. What a troll. Someone has an ED/is jealous/is just a massive jerk…
I can’t even begin to wonder who that person is.
I did the IP address to no avail.
its sad that people have such lacking of their own lives to post aweful things on peoples blogs….
For real, right?
But laugh.
That’s why I allowed it.
Better than actually BEING a fat cow. Stfu.
Meal planning was hard at first because I was SO freaking obsessed with food. I felt like I had to plan every meal to within an inch of it’s life. Did I want to fill up those extra spare 10kcals with eight cherry tomatoes or chestnut mushrooms? Would I use chickpeas or beans as the base of my veggie burger? Should I concentrate on volume or calorie density? OMG, the CHOICES. Take away all that choice!
It was a consequence of malnutrition, and it stopped once I got to a minimally healthy weight. I remember how hellish it was though. What saved me was having a meal plan from my old treatment team, which I followed to the letter. Three meals, three snacks, each 2-3 hours apart with an extra snack before bed if I was hungry. Lunch and dinner had to have 200g carbs, something containing around 14g protein (say, 200g canned beans, two eggs, etc), some fat (not just a teaspoon!) and vegetables if you had room. And dessert. I felt like I would explode for the first two weeks of treatment, but I certainly didn’t want to eat in between meals/snacks. I knew exactly when I would be eating next, which helped me stop obsessing a bit – my head didn’t constantly worry about where the next meal was coming from. And after that I pretty much had to wait it out until the obsession disappeared…
I couldn’t tell you what the weirdest comment I’ve ever had about my eating was – I can’t really remember any, I didn’t eat in front of other people much. My dad did name my favourite restaurant the Cardboard Cafe though, because it was vegan and gluten free
Best of luck Missy!! xxx
“My head didn’t constantly worry about where the next meal was coming from”
This is the part I want to get back to. That and when my belly know, too.
I can relate all too well on this! I end up doing the same thing, having snacks all day and trying to get the perfect balance of this and that. ALL THE TIME. It all ends up making me feel like crap :/ I think you are right though, a MP would be something to provide a lot of stability and take away some of the question and anxiety of deciding what to eat at the time of…
you are so strong, and I know you can do this
I am so proud of you for recognizing the problem <3
And the weirdest thing said to me about my eating habits? I would have to say it was my sister telling me I am addicted to cereal… Ya, it was quite weird…
have a wonderful week!
Scott
Missy you are not FAT my dear. You need to gain weight. Just delete that anon comment, so ridiculous! You DO NOT NEED A DIET! EVER……Youve never needed a diet, not in your old pictures Pre-ED and certainly not know. Now you need a “get healthy and gain weight diet”. Okay??!! Good
OKAY. You deff. need to LIMIT your “ED FOODS” as I like to call them. Egg whites? STOP eating them. you need to eat an EGG. A WHOLE ONE! Two would be best but baby steps. Stop eating pickles. I know you like them but let’s be honest would you LOVE them if they were 100 calories a piece? Would you eat all the foods you do if they were high in calories like peanut butter? I doubt it…..If your really honest im sure you eat those foods because they lack calories.
I know how hard and scary this all is but you need to eat and get healthy. Have a PB and J wrap for lunch on sprouted grain bread! I cant remember what you do and do eat. I wish you ate more carbs to be honest. Pro Bars can help you get your calories in. YES its terrifying…TRUST ME I KNOW what it feels like but if you want to recover you gotta suck it up and DO IT. No beating around the bush lol
Try setting a number for meals like make breakfast, lunch and dinner AT LEAST 500 calories. (more would be better but dont try throwing yourself off a cliff) That should help! OR if that’s too much just try that for one meal at the beginning.
Take baby steps. Little things will add up. I’m saying this as a wake-up call and as a friend, what your eating is the epitome of anorexia. Please wake up and see that, it’s not healthy. It’s SO UNHEALTHY! Something bad COULD happen to you Missy….you dont deserve that….. Please take care of yourself you deserve better then this. I cant imagine you feel good physically eating like that. I cant imagine you do anything but think about food all day… That’s not a life. You can live so much better than that. You ARE so much better than that.
xx
PS I think maybe one meal a day of no veggies could help as well? Just try to do a few things like that and it will HELP a lot. You want “broccoli and salsa” because you HUNGRY MISSY and your afraid to eat anything else. I’m sorry to be so blunt but I can say that because ive been there. Your eating so often because your HUNGRY.. You need to eat something of substance. Nothing is “healthy” when its over consumed…including vegetables.
Thanks so much Dana, brilliant points!
I love how you wrote “Stop eating pickles. I know you like them but let’s be honest would you LOVE them if they were 100 calories a piece?”
Um…..wow. Good point! <—understatement. That sentence may have changed my life. I’m thinking about everything I eat inmy head and asking the same question.
Though when I eat them with peanut butter they probably do LOL. That’s why I consider peanut butter and pickles a “treat”
Effed up.
I actually feel fine in terms of energy and heart and all that, and I am sure I am consuming enough calories for the most part but it does not come in a balanced way and I am miserable. <—understatement.
Now that I am not "skinny" anymore (or at least as thin) it is REALLY hard to justify eating anything. It used to be so cute when I knew I had weight to gain.
Thanks again, D.
I'm gonna read your comment over many times.
PS- SO TOO funny you wrote about the PB&J wrap because I have been eating those so much lately but right before bed. It's easier for me to want a sandwhich as comfort food. Weird.
I keep backspacing and re-typing what I want to say.
Sending you support and hopes that you can get to that next level of support and care you want/need.
To whomever has to come out of wherever to be mean; I hope that they find peace for themselves. You don’t deserve to be at the receiving end of it all.
Be kind to you Missy.
Just wanted to send my support and say I can relate right now. I have found myself slipping into ED meals and snacks. As my anxiety levels increase (regarding something not related to food) I start slipping. Hope you are able to get yourself into a good place with your meals. I will be thinking of you.
NO! normal people DO NOT eat cauliflower! i base this on the fact that i do not eat it and so…oh…wait…maybe i need to reevaluate…
You don’t eat cauliflower? You are missing out.
Steam it and purree it up with some garlic and olive oil…play around with it.
Or try it mashed like potatoes. It is served that way at my favorite restaurant, Ruby Tuesday.
Good come back to the anonymous mean person. I think I’m going to start doing that when people leave mean comments on my blog.
I know that you know you still have weight to gain. I think what people are trying to say is that you need to add more substantial foods to your diet. There’s nothing wrong with what you eat – as snacks. But your daily food intake doesn’t seem to add up to a meal, and you need more to both gain the weight you need and be healthy.
I know it’s hard. I’m struggling a bit myself. But we always need to keep trying, never giving up.
no. nonono. i can’t. not since the std slide show from middle school. i can barely look at the stuff without barfing!
HAhahahahah!
I so remember that slide show.
Don’t worry – cauliflower tastes much better than genital warts.
Oh…I feel ill 0_o
Oh my gosh! I am so not going to let that effect my love of cauliflower.
Cauliflower is wonderful and to have it had such an ill effect on @rachel is sad, sad, sad. It is one of my favorites and now I must remove that connect of std with cauliflower all together. Where is Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind when I need it?
And Missy – keep being honest sweet girl. You are making strides.
Rachel is probably my best friend and she lives close by. We have known eachother since elementary and we need to hang out more and when we do I will convert her.
Missy – please do convert her. Cauliflower is so not STD related in any way. In fact – prepare her a steamed and pureed version because how can you go wrong with that!? Still; I must go scrub my mind frames of this whole thang. Ack!
Cheers and support to you!
I can really relate to this post!!! I am glad you wrote about this!!!
My family members, my husband, and my friends all say the same thing. They call me a grazer. They say that I don’t eat enough, yet they see me eat this and that all day. The thing is, they are right. The food I “eat” … .well, let me say this… is crap. I call it crap because it doesn’t have many calories. I am nowhere meeting my calorie intake that I should be meeting at. I justify it by saying “I EAT! I DO EAT! WATCH ME EAT! I AM EATING THIS!”
But, the thing is, I may be eating, but it is not enough for me…….so I have to make more effort to really eat.
I also do find FOOD on my brain all of the time. I think about food. I cook food. I shop for food. I plan out dinner every day. I plan out what I will eat that day.
Well, how is that healthy? I don’t know. But it is not necessarily awesome. I don’t know…..
Really weird — I think I was just reading YOUR blog while you were typing this. Wow.
I didn’t comment there but you should know I am happy you are alive and settled. (0:
Maybe you need to get more meal-oriented like I need to be?
Meal plans can be good. I hope they help you!
I can’t do meal plans — it requires too much structure and not enough spontaneity and fun in the kitchen. So what I did during ED therapy was to write down EVERYTHING that I ate, and then at the end of the day look back and see how I did. If I hadn’t eaten enough, I had a densely caloric snack before bedtime, and then tried to add something else in the next day — a banana with PB for an extra dessert, a turkey hot dog tacked onto my “normal” lunch, an extra snack of a high protein bar, always adding adding adding to my meals and intake until I was at a healthy weight again.
Hard? Scary? Hell yes. But so so so so SO worth it, my friend. Much love and prayers to you!
p.s. The mean people who commented on this post are idiots. Ignore. Ugh.
I think this is where I am going to start because I hate meal plans. For me? They equal restriction.
And they are no fun.
I’ve tried to start writing stuff down lately but then the list gets long and I freak out. Or I binge and rip the page out.
You need to come up with a meal plan and stick to it. I agree that eating a WHOLE egg would be a great first step. If you are serious about gaining weight, three meals a day at 500 calories would be great (but that’s still not enough – don’t skip the snacks!!).
Perhaps consider downing an ensure when you don’t make the calorie mark/finish a meal. The extra nutrition cant hurt.
I would probably prefer to make a calorie bomb smoothie than an ensure.
I think I am getting enough calories in, but not in a balanced way so spreading out the calories seems like a good plan.
Unfortunately I have been off eggs since my gross out…http://missymiller.wordpress.com/2011/07/11/on-my-mind-monday/
here’s a thought – what is a comfort food you used to really enjoy as a kid? maybe just go out and buy something like that. birthday cake? a donut? chocolate milk? eat at least a bite of it, just to say EFF ED! you can do it missy
That scares the bejeezus out of me because I binge and purge but this is definetely something to ponder.
Pizza comes to mind.
Thanks so much for the encouragement!
Pizza would be great! Just a half a slice would be definitely be taking the baby steps to telling ED who is boss!!
Missy,
I think this post was a real turning point for you. We have a point where we realize that what we are eating, even if we’re eating quite frequently, is not okay! In the worst of my eating disorder I still got breakfast, lunch, and dinner in. They were just horribly insignificant (think “broccoli sandwich” 0_0 ) and not even meeting half of my caloric needs for the day.
I know you responded to another comment saying your energy levels are good, but do you think it’s possible that you don’t even remember how much energy you would have with adequate nutrition?? It was like this for me. I felt so exhausted for so long that I basically forgot what it felt like to have energy. When I got my meal plan and started to follow it I was really amazed by how much I’d been missing. When I’m struggling I still try to think of this because the extra energy did nothing but enhance my life. It’s not worth it to give all of this up.
Meal plans are hard, they are SO hard for me still. But, I think you might need that structure right now. The fact that it’s hard might show you it’s what you need, you know?? Again, you shouldn’t have to do this yourself…a treatment team or even just a therapist would make it seem so much more manageable. You deserve this Missy, you are worth it! Never ever give up on yourself because you can do ANYTHING.
xxx
First of all. Whoever wrote that comment better hope they don’t live anywhere near me. But anyways. I completely understand Missy. I would do the same thing and would be left still even more hungry then when I began. You will get through this girl and you are amazing!
I commend your honesty, Missy. I don’t comment often but I can really relate to this post. I say the same things, ‘I’m eating, see!’ but we know that it’s so light in calories that it doesn’t equate to much. I received some unsettling lab results last night and am trying my hardest. My doc wants me on IV fluids and I just cannot agree to that right now. The only other option is to eat. Hmmm.
Good luck and I’m fighting and struggling right along with you!
I’m sorry you’re struggling so much–I’ll be putting in an extra prayer for you
I do the exact same thing. I graze, and then when meal time rolls around, I end up rationalizing my ridiculously small meals. “Oh, I ate a few almonds earlier today. I don’t need protein at dinner.”
I associate meal planning with IP, which I think is why I am so resistant to it now. Not fun times…
I am sorry you are in a low point to and I will say a prayer for you — I need all the prayer that I can get so thank you!
i know what ya mean! My dad says I eat like a bird. pick all day. But what helps is to dress all my snack foods. Like coconut oil on veggies and nut butters on fruit, etc. Mind over matter, right? I know this is hard. But missy, God has given you such wisdom. Such strength! thanks for sharing this!!
Coconut oil is something that – to be honest- I cannot imagine eating because I look at the calories and it is mind boggling. Darn labels.
I have that same problem with peanut butter and other foods – as soon as I look at the labels, I have difficulty eating the food. I’m doing okay, but I think I would eat better if there were no labels on food. I try to tell myself to just not look at the darn labels, but of course I can’t resist. Maybe we could rip the labels off of our food before we see the numbers?
Or make our own!
I love how I have no idea how many calories my dips, spreads and hummus have.
Hey I’ve only read a few times but I think I’ll start reading more because we read a lot of the same people’s blogs. And yeah I have gotten some crazy comments lately too, I’m not sure if this is a troll or what but I love how you responded.
I’m the same way… I graze all day. I eat a lot of fruit and a lot of spoonfuls of peanut butter. It’s what I do *shrugs*. I’m not sure how meal plans and the like work but my problem is that I regimen everything and I’m a numbers nerd, so I think counting calories and nutrients would actually be counterproductive for me. Personality probably has a lot to do with it, but if you think it would help, it’s worth a shot.
A.L.
Meal plans make me wonky, too!
But I just want to start committing to a meal.
I can totally relate–I’ve been told I eat like a bird and even though I eat 5-6 times per day, it doesn’t really add up to a lot. My stomach can’t handle larger meals so I’m definitely a snacker. Even during the worst times of my ED, I’d still eat 3 or 4 times a day, just in minuscule amounts. I just can’t do the “3 square meals” per day thing, but I’ve realized that I’ve gotta get in more calorie-dense food, like almond butter and dried fruit. I still struggle with getting in more than 2 teaspoons of nut butter in a day, but taking baby steps can really help with any anxiety.
Yes! Get those calorie dense foods in or you may end up like me — binge eating out of hunger and it is so very dangerous and degrading.
Bingeing and purging makes things more difficult, but is there a way you can just hang around somebody most of the time after you’ve eaten a meal? Instead of being by yourself to deal with those negative thoughts and temptations, hang out with a friend. Or hang out with your parents, just follow them around and bug them. I found during my recovery days that about an hour after a meal, the thoughts to purge disappears.
And of course, when you do eat…make it real. I think saying “oh no I can’t eat that, I will binge” is kind of an excuse. You already expect yourself to be bingeing. So why don’t you set up preventive measures like I suggested to obstruct yourself from bingeing and purging? Because you really can’t avoid those foods forever. You need carbs. You need starch. You need fat. And you need calories.
Still praying for you, dear Missy. <3<3
My purge thoughts go away fast and non-existent when I eat balanced so yeah, bring on the balance.
I’m going to commit to meals. Balanced meals.
Grazing on pretty much everything you pictured in this post is one of the many ways I’ve “gotten away with” my ED in many situations. It’s so easy to look like we’re eating–and to BE eating–without consuming anywhere near enough calories.
I can’t get over how weird it is seeing most of these pictures, though. The ridiculous amounts of pepper, the veggies with mustard and salsa…I’ve never seen anyone else eating this way (surprise!), but you’ve basically encapsulated my entire diet right here. Oh my.
I hope you’re able to come up with a meal plan that you feel comfortable adapting to–perhaps one that isn’t as restrictive as the previous no sugar/no flour thing.
Take care!
I freaking love my pepper — that is for sure.
The funny thing is I don’t feel like I am ever trying to “get away” with anything — I am an open book but I think I may just be trying to trick my body and mostly just to lazy to care for myself and plan a meal for during the day.
I know you stated you have been ip so I think you know what you should be eating and doing in terms of behavior. Doing it though is the hard part and being consistent. I remember in treatment someone saying to me you can know what to do in recovery but have to feel it in your heart. Also be willing to do what ever it takes and sit through a lot of anxiety and fears. It is true and when I began to do that I recovered. It is not easy though.
I have been reading your blog and you have a great writing style. The way you are living though in terms of food intake and weight is very concerning and dangerous. Which I know rationally you know. Some foods you are eating is what I call a weird ed taste buds. Foods that you need right now such olive oil may not agree because your body is not used to them. In time though you will crave those healthy nutrients and the ed food choices will become gross. You can still have your cauliflower but stir fry it in olive oil or add some cheese. If you binge which is common when so malnourished you have to stick to the meal plan or the cycle continues. Trust me when I went through that phase I thought the anxiety would kill me but hey I am here.
Personally I think meal plans are key because it helps give you a road map of your needs. I used exchanges of course with calorie counting mixed in. The body and mind is too confused to make choices otherwise.
I hope I was not too harsh but I do hope you start today in recovery
Thanks so much!
I do know what I need to do and I appreciate the tips and the encouragement.
My binge eating is certainly bought on by imbalanced eating and I know it and the cyclical part is so hellacious.
Thanks so much for sdaying “Hi!”
I was the exact opposite of you in the height of my eating disorder. My family would refer to me as the “clock.” I would eat meals at exactly the same time every single day. You could literally use me to set your watch. “Charlotte is eating dinner? Oh, it must be 5:30.” And forget about eating early or late. Then bad things would happen. Bad things like……. well, I really have no idea what I thought was going to happen but I was sure at the time that horrible events would occur because I ate breakfast 5 minutes late.
Good luck on the meal plan or what ever you decide to do. I found it helpful to eat regular meals with someone(s) so that I could be held responsible for eating a filling, balanced meal.
At my worst I was pretty structured, too.
The thing is I have come so so so far and yet I am not fully free of disordered eating or food obsession…it seems my habits just morph and change.
Missy,
I have to say, you are absolutely too thin. You’re such a beautiful girl. And you’re whip-smart with the cutest sense of humor! Don’t let ED stop you from leading a healthy, JOYFUL life. You simply cannot live on veggies – you just can’t. You need nutrients that come from carbs, protein, calcium, iron, b12, ect. You could gain at LEAST 20 pounds and still look very thin. But you need food! No food = no life. It’s that simple.
Thanks so much for your kind words.
I have gained a whole lotta weight and to be honest – I think I look fine (even though I am miserable in my skin – my ED has never been about looks so to speak).
I appreciate it when people give me their honest opinion though because it makes me think I am maybe insane.
For once I wish someone would agree with me! Heehee.
hey sunshine – can i butt in? i do agree with you. you look absolutely gorgeous. i’ve always thought this. you do look fine! as in there’s really, honestly, nothing wrong with you. weight isn’t about right or wrong. weight is simply a number – it’s amoral. it does not have the ability to be good or bad, just like food. it’s not evil or safe or shameful or wrong or right or good or perfect or anything else. these words cannot be used to describe weight because it’s simply not something that indicates the heart of the person. makes sense? i say that only because i want you to hear yes… someone agrees with you! you look great! you aren’t insane!
that said, i do agree with all the other posters, and i think you know it too… you do not appear to be at a healthy, womanly weight. woman are meant to be strong and feminine. they are meant to have curves, wherever they may be depending on your body type. they are meant to be able to have babies and be sexy and and be useful in day to day life. they are meant to sustain you, and NOT make you miserable. i think you know deep down inside that maybe you still have some “finding weight” to do in order to really cherish your womanly body God gave you.
so yes, you look fine! you look gorgeous! but regardless of how much weight you’ve gained already, that doesn’t change what healthy is, ya know? love you tons girl. i’m your cheerleader!!!
-r
oh and ps? i lost a ton of weight when i got sick with the fibro. once my hormones started balancing again, i craved food like crazy and binged for 2 months straight. it was terrible. but you know how they say that it’s common for anorexics to “rebound” and gain a bunch of weight before they level out? even though i wasn’t anorexic, my body felt i was starving. and i still was TERRIFIED of the binges. terrified. but it didn’t last long. i am totally fine now. food and i are cool. i get the binging on anything thing… but i promise promise promise you, when you realize that you have more to live for than your body/control/food issues/depression and are captivated by your purpose, food will lose it’s appeal, whether it’s the lack of it or the abundance of it. you can do this. learn from your binges, and start to pray that God will teach you that your body isn’t something that can’t be trusted. it’s an amazing, functioning machine. it’s not evil or dishonest… that’s the devil and his lies to you.
you rock, missy.
I’ve been stalking this blog for a while now (yes just decided to get the creepy part over and done with now) and I’m so pleased you have done this post! I agree with Sarah, it seems to be a real turning point. And I also agree with everyone else that a meal plan will benefit you at this moment in time as you have realised that your ‘grazing’ on low cal foods is very ED influenced. Girl you NEED CARBS in ur body and they will NOT change you in the slightest, they are simply a staple part of diet for a human being. Hmm…maybe stay away form your binge/purge foods for a while until you have settled into a higher calorie meal plan in case they set off those horrible ED thoughts. Omg I wish you all the best, you are so strong, you just need to get this eating disordered part of you squished for good and you can start living!!!
Goooood luck!
Thanks Jen!
I am so curious why people say “stalking” a blog or “lurking” I don’t think it is creepy!
I often wonder why people stay silent.
Maybe I am just not thought provoking (0:
Thanks for the tips — I may need to steer clear of certain things but to be honest when I struggle, I purge anything I eat– could be salad or whatever (so sick) more than go out and get “binge foods” which I certainly have done in the past. I know it is bought on by imbalanced eating and hunger.
PS- I love that you used the word squished.
Why have you never mentioned your struggle with B/P on the blog before? I have a new level of respect for you that you did, it shows true strength that you were open about it. <3
I try and keep it clean – if you notice I rarely blog about my behaviors in a literal sense. I do that on purpose…but I indeed have mentioned it before. Never as overtly and actually – come to think- most of it in the comments.
Most of my “story” can be found in the comments here: http://missymiller.wordpress.com/2011/01/15/seven-minutes-in-heaven/
I graze, too—but when I looked at your pics, I thought “I’d be so tired of eating ALL the TIME”: with each load of veggies, I’d have included a little healthy fat / protein just to stop myself from *always* being hungry, even JUST after eating. The more I think about food, the worse my choices become.
And I can plan, but it doesn’t do much: I want what I want when I want it. So instead I just keep in mind a list of things that are desirable to eat, and try to pick from them first. And when that’s done, there’s a bite of very dark chocolate.
I used to be very on top of things like making sure I get the proteins carbs and fats in with each meal…I just have devolved. And yes it is very tiring too be so hungry all the time even though you are full.
Instead of “devolved” I’m going to pretend you said “cycling downward” because then it sounds like the continuum will cycle back up again and this is a totally temporary state. I believe in you! I’m not religious or into prayer, per se, but I do believe in the power of positive energy (and some people tell me prayer and positive energy are the same thing)… just by changing the words—and more broadly speaking in life—I’m sending the energy back to you. Can you feeeeeeeeeeel it??
I’m afraid that I can’t offer too much advice here because although I eat three meals, I also tend to graze (guessing that my meals must not be big enough to make me feel full afterward).
But, I can answer ONE of the questions you asked: I may not be ‘everyone’ but I sure do crave daikon radishes
Sooo good!!
I do think it’s great that you’re noticing habits about your eating though. I find it really hard to ‘plan meals’ without it feeling like I’m becoming obsessive about it (such as the way I used to feel about counting calories). However, not having any plan is probably also what leads to the grazing (for me, at least).
Oh my gosh Missy, I am actually really thank full that you have shared this on your blog. Reading what you do, is literally what I do as well, and at one point I was doing it all so badly (thinking i was eating enough) and becoming so physically hungry that I got into a bit of a cycle of bingeing and purging, and hell that was no fun at all.
Its so good you recognize that you aren’t getting enough of everything with every meal, and what I learnt was that the amount of food I eat throughout the day, i could of actually made some really nice small meals. Its about taking baby steps, and realizing you can eat more of everything that you think you can, despite your ED telling you otherwise.
Im proud of you for speaking up about it, and it actually made me feel alot happier that im not the only one. I felt there was alot of stigma surrounding people that just graze at things whereas it seems most bloggers have a vey strict routine.
I hope you are having a lovely day.
Love Jess.
p.s so sorry for my absence, I explained a little why on my blog. xxxx
Regardless of how you feel you look you need to look at the facts of your bmi which I can tell is very underweight. I remember in times of my recovery doing better and I would use that better word as an excuse to not fully give up the ed and reach a healthy weight. Regardless of how bad you were before or if you have gained weight you are still risking your life every day right now. As you age and the longer you have an ed the harder it is for yur body to hold on. If you continue like this one day you are going to face health complications that can’t be reversed or even worse. You don’t want that. You really need to get to a healthy weight if you want to recover. Not just do better. In refeeding your calorie needs can be super high like 4000 plus so you need to have many meals to fit in the calories. If you fill up on bulk you will be more bloated yet hungry cause you are not getting enough. Even if you eat a high calorie plan you may be hungry from being so malnourished and from metabolic rate speeding up.
Have you thought of going ip again? It seems like you may need more support.
Regardless it is hard fight but you can do it. If I could as someone considered hopeless after so many treatments anyone can. It takes a lot of fight though. One of the hardest things I have done to gain and eat to do so and then mantain a ed free life. It probably will be for you too but I hope you do cause alternative is worse.
Have a good day
Anonymous has a good point. Those were almost the exact words my doctor said to me last year after I relapsed and became really sick – that I was getting older and my body would be less able to handle the restriction of anorexia, that I would become sick quicker and it would take longer to recover when I chose to eat again. It took me almost an entire year to listen, and separating from my husband, until I followed his advice and started to refeed myself and gain the weight my doctor insisted I needed to gain. Yes, I had to consume about 3,500 calories per day to reach my goal weight (I have since slipped downward, but only a few pounds.) And that is the problem – facing all those calories every day was incredibly hard. But I wanted to recover and thus made myself eat three meals and drink three Ensure Plus daily. I’m not going to lie; I hated almost every minute of it. That’s why I hope you work with a professional to get better. I couldn’t have done it without my doctor’s constant encouragement (and the support of family, friends, and yes, David.)
You deserve recovery. You deserve a full life. I know you can do this. {{{Hugs}}}
I wish I could “crave” veggies! I’m happy you’re working on this though. 5 meals a day works for me (well… 6 if you count that I divide breakfast in 2 parts). This alows me to structure my meals (I count snacks as meals) so that I get enough protein, carbs, whatever throughout the day. Maybe that would help. Some people are just born to snack!
Reading this post has made me feel so pleased for you that you had the bravery to face up to these struggles and write about them – I am sure it was hard for you to do.
Making the changes that you need to will be so hard too, not impossible by any means, but your eating disorder (I hate personifying ed’s btw, what I mean is the collection of disordered thoughts and beliefs that you have accumulated through suffering from an eating disorder for so long) will undoubtedly kick up a fight and try to convince you that you don’t need to change. Refering back to this post might help you if you start to struggle with making the changes you need to – it is no way to live to be preoccupied with food and struggling to concentrate (I am stuck in this ridiculous but tenacious obsession too). I really worry for your health too dear Missy – both your low weight and purging – and would hate for anything bad to happen to you.
There have been so many brilliant comments to this post (with an obvious exception) – I really hope that some of them will really click with you and be helpful. I know that making further progress (I acknowledge that you have come a long way in recovery already) will be hard work, and not because of a lack of knowledge or motivation, but because of how deeply ingrained so many of your feelings about yourself and about food have become. There is no shame in requiring a lot of support along this journey – I would advise you seek out all the support you can.
All my love and best wishes for the steps you are preparing to take…
x x x
PS. Thank you for the wake-up call I needed whilst eating a ‘dinner’ of broccoli and beetroot covered in salt, pepper and herbs – eating like this might make me feel ‘safe’ but it is not getting me to where I need to be (and only increases the likelihood of returning to a b/p cycle).
And it is so very easy to think “I’ll start eating more balanced once I lose a little weight” Watch out for that! It’s been my nemesis that past two days.
Fact of the matter is — I can no longer diet. My body will have its way.
So true. Last year I was feeling so great about restricting and losing weight but my therapist kept telling me that I needed to ‘shape up’ my meals and increase my calories – I agreed that this was necessary, but AFTER I’d lost a little more weight… By continuing to restrict, all I succeeded in doing was tipping myself back into a binge/purge cycle that has continued for the majority of 2011 so far. Some things are far more important than ‘losing a little weight’, and I need to add that there is no way that you need to lose even a little weight. Seriously.
Lots and lots of love and support, x x x
Kudos to you for recongizing you need to make a change! This is something I struggled with when I was diagnosed with my stomach condition–when “regular” foods like bread or pasta make your stomach hurt for days, you become so turned off they’re the last things you want to eat! But like you said, you can’t survive on vegetables without starving all the time.
Though I have to admit, I cracked up at the “oh no you didn’t!”
Gah! Dads! They can be so…blunt. I’m glad you were able to see past the cow-ness into the truth of the situation. Your awareness is beautiful Missy.
Sometimes with this struggle it seems like a plan would be counter intuitive. I mean, aren’t we trying to let go of the planning obsession? But, on the road to recovery, it is so important. The struggle is to not get attached to whats on the paper and to be able to move beyond it when we need to.
Thanks for sharing your awareness, it has helped me see my cow-ness too. Less lettuce…more calories stuff.
Keep your heart lifted to God…
Meal plans = restriction for me…for sure. I am nervous. I’m not going bak to my old weigh and measure meal plan yet but I am going with what beautiful Beth said and writing it then evaluating it.
missy!
Im so glad you finally admitted to bingeing and purging. I remember a while back when you denied it for a while. Thats a huge step!
I think the weirdest comment ive ever gotten about my eating was someone told me i should enter a food eating contest for how much food i can eat at once =/
I’ve never denied it — I wonder what makes you think that?
I remember a post a while back you were talking about your face being puffy? And you didnt understand why because you didnt binge and purge.
Aha..I see… in the comments here: http://missymiller.wordpress.com/2011/01/15/seven-minutes-in-heaven/
I felt like all weight gain was going straight to my face…I was saying I might be comforted by someone explaining why and say it was OK. (Turns out I just have a fat face…heehheee…but mainly my face filled out from skeletor). At the time I was not bingeing or purging hence my wonderment. Cause B&P shows up in the face big time.
I have always had bingeing/purging in my history. Here is the deal…when I eat regular? It disappears. I thought it was gone forever (maybe) but this past couple months my episodes have been crazy! It scares the bejeezus out of me.
Sadly, most of my weight gain comes always in the form of bingeing or compulsive eating. Otherwise I have a low weight. I hope to reach the happy medium this time.
I gotta admit, girl…you pull at my heart so big time. Wanna be better “stranger sister” friends? Holla. You know where to find me and I am no BS…That’s why I was sad when you thought I was misreprezentin.
So much love for you girl!
PS- Anyone reading have questiions about bingeing/purging bring it on. I feel like most people classified as anorexic experience this.
For some reason it wont let me repy under your response to me.And yes i am so down for becoming closer sisters =) i feel insanely connected to you and feel thsat we relate on so many levels.
Also, you do not have a fat face, or anything for that matter. But i understand why you think that bc when i bp my face balloons too. And it scares me as well. Also the asprct of feeling so out of control when i binge terrifies me. I actually broke down in tears last night bc im so tired of the cycle. I know it sounds horrible but i wish i could go back to being a ‘better anorexic’ because its so much easier then dealing with the bingeing and purging on top of it ya know?
When I gained weight I gained it in my face and I was like what the eff? My face is bloated but it turns out that I went from skeleton face to my normal face and my mind was just screwy.
I wasn’t bping at the time. This past two months I have been and it is helter skelter. Girl? I Know, I know, I know, I know.
I am going to have to email you.
I think what is happening to you is what happens to me — our bodies drive us to eat. Literally.
I know exactly what you mean and you are not alone and …well…email me first if you want but I will be emailing you later.
I’m with you in the needing the meal plan and I am headed that way kicking and screaming! The weirdest thing foodwise anyone ever said to me was my hubs said that omg that sweet potato us so huge. And I over reacted and STILL haven’t eaten another sweet potato. (need to get over myself much?) and now nobody even mentions food (or liquids) to me ever!
I saw your post on my blog, would your niece like a necklace? I love making them (it’s my therapy) and you wore it perfectly