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Archive for August, 2011

I’d like you to relax…..take a deep breath and get ready for another round of

OMMM- On My Mind Monday.

Where the breathing is deep, but the thoughts? Not so much.

Here are some random thinks I’ve thunk this past week.

In no particular order. For no particular reason. Because.

I re-watched Juno last week and I’ve had “this song” in my head ever since. Total earworm.

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The term “earworm” makes me squirm, by the way.

ear worm oh mickey

Speaking of movies on television – the movie Knocked Up is FOREVER on the E! Network. They’ve shown it about 8,695 times. What’s up with that? Too much of a good thing is a real thing.

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Not to mislead you. I actually don’t spend much time watching television. I average 25-28 hours a week at most, usually while multi-tasking. Sounds like a lot, but the average American watches about 35 hours a week (source).

I’m better than that. I waste my time on the internet…like a true sophisticant.

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I joined pinterest recently, and am wondering when the novelty will wear off. Hopefully soon. Or I may need a 12-Step.

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I’m beginning to hear the audible sound of time being sucked away (even as I type this) – making my guilty pleasure a little heavy on the guilt side. 

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In fact, I’m gonna bail out now and do something more productive. You know, so I can have something better to blog about. (I’m Kidding.)

PS: Is it moral of me to waste your time by writing this malarkey?

  • Do you have a Pinterest Account?
  • What was the last “earworm” you’ve had.
  • What’s been on your mind – nothing profound please you’ll give me a complex.

 

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Habits. Vices. I’ve picked up a few.

Somewhere along the line they became addictions.

Today they are my afflictions.

God’s pressing me to clean up my act.

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For real this time. And I want to. But.

I try and compromise. I create excuses like “I’ll try not to do such and such” or “I’ll cut down on this or that.” I end up on my knees. Again. Praying for help from a God who can’t reach me when I seek comfort from my vices rather than him.

You know what Bible verse God hit me with? You’ll like this. He’s a joker.

Matthew 18: 8-9

God says if your eye causes you trouble, pluck it out and get rid of it.

And as the living word continued it’s life in my brain I was left with this:

Sometimes you gotta say “Pluck it.”

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Pluck out your eyeball. Pretty extreme huh? We HAVE to be. We have to suck it up. Yes, it’s scary and takes courage. “How will I live without my eye?”

But the bible tells us we’ll be better off – even if we feel like we’re maiming ourselves.

I’m hearing God tell us extreme measures are necessary. We must distance ourselves from whatever is screwing us up.

That means no compromise. No temptation.

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Sometime we gotta say…

Pluck it. I’m DONE.”

Throw the cigarettes away, get the trigger food out of the house, ban yourself from the gym, cut your credit card in half, defriend the person on facebook, end the relationship…etc.

We cannot waver.

What’s holding you down or tripping you up?

Stare it down and say:

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That thing you do that you don’t want to do?

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I’m gonna start tomorrow. Who’s with me?

What’s on your “‘pluck it” list?

Pluck-it” list…bucket list…see what I did there? 

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Not to be stereotypical – BUT……

When I first heard about the movie Burlesque one of the first thoughts I had (after the O-Em-Hallelujah moment) was:

I need more gays in my life.”

I wanted to watch it with a “Gay Male” who could appreciate the fabulous factor.

Burlesque New Poster

I love Christina. Do you not? Please tell me why. I love music and will defend her to the death.

Sadly, I am bereft. I finally bit bullet and rented it on Netflix. I watched it tonight.  It was nice. But I miss my imaginary gay boyfriend.

I need more gays.”

Because “they” would watch Kathy Griffin with me.

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(I read the book, by the way. Loved it.)

Because “they” can help me with my fashion and interior decorating skills.

Because “they” are people who have battled with self-acceptance and won.

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(Personal motto)

Because I’ve never met a gay man who hasn’t experienced body issues. They get it. Yet, they’re over it.

Because they would call me on my shiz…

”Girl? Go eat a carb or something and stop crying about your thighs. Over it. Boring”

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They’re here. Get used to it.

My thighs, that is.

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I don’t know. Gay boyfriends are cool. I’ve had some. I want more.

I’m accepting applications, by the way.

 

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Our economy is tanking. We’re in deep doo-doo. You may have heard.

The details are out there but I like to keep things simple.

Deep doo-doo.

One can easily forget this while reading blogs that detail trips to Whole Foods for $4 Kombucha drinks, $2 organic apples and $12 salads. Heck, it’s easy to forget when I’m IN Whole Foods – engaged in a dance of desire with so many tempting (and pricey) items.

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Guilty. As. Charged.

But seriously? I know someone who’s down $100,000 because the stock market tanked. In my line of work, I see it every day. (Don’t freak out, we’ll rebound. Trust me).

By the way, I’m an inch from bankruptcy. The fire sprinkler incident is costing many pretty pennies. Magical pennies. Imaginary pennies – I don’t have a clue where to find them.

I’m no good at making magical pennies. But I am good at couponing.

Can I get a witness?

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Yup. Mad Skillz.

That’s $36.66 I saved at the grocery store on things I would buy anyway.

I repeat – things I would buy anyway. Products I always buy. Things I need.

And I bought quit a bit.

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Unlike what you see on TV I did not walk away with 25 bottles of hand sanitizer and 60 cans of corn. Where’s the glory in that? Life is fleeting. If I die tomorrow what good is a 4 year supply of q-tips and barbeque sauce?

I got plenty of tricks up my sleeve, but the best thing you can do is seek out coupons for the products you buy anyway.

You can also save with a DIY approach in the kitchen. Here’s a quick an easy way to save (star)bucks by making your own frozen coffee elixir. And get this – you can do this in the office without a blender or the mess.

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Freeze coffee in an ice cube tray and refrigerate some brewed coffee overnight in a travel mug. The next day add some milk and sweetener of choice and maybe something chocolate.

(See that syrup? That is a big BIG deal for me. A marked departure. Naughty-pants. But that’s another day’s story.)

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Then you gotta get a … Bee Gas* cup that can handle an immersion blender. This is key.

*I don’t like Hugh Jass and so I made up Bee Gas. I don’t like that either. But I wanted to get your attention. You need a big cup.

Stick a hand over the top and zshooshe it around and voi-tothe-la:

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Save your big sturdy straws (or steal them, I won’t tell) and revel in your poorness.

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*I thought winking was supposed to be cute. Whatever. Totally Fine.

  • Are you scaling back in today’s economy? How?

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You may want to cover your eyes…things are about to get scary.  Again.

As in “find out what happens when Missy stops being polite and starts getting real" scary. Insane, really.

I’ve had a lot on my mind. And by “a lot” I mean my thighs. There is a lot more of them. They have gained some fat, some muscle and apparently extra nerve endings.

I am hyper-aware of them. They feel like strange growths – interfering when I am walking, sitting, standing or trying to think.

Wanna see these abominable thighs?

Check em out*

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*It’s a bathing suit, people. What, you don’t blog in your swimwear?

They look like….thighs. But I swear, they’ve extra-terrestrial powers.

My thighs have increased in tandem with the numbers on the scale. In a stroke of brilliance (?) I decided to weigh myself. I weigh more than I have in many years.

That’s a lot of weight I’ve found.

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I’d be lying if I wrote I’m happy and proud of this progress.  That I feel so free.

So I guess I just lied.

I calculated my BMI on three different websites and it still says I’m underweight. I’m not lying when I write that BMI is a freaking joke (in my opinion). But I did the math just to see if maybe I had reached acceptable standards. I wanted some sort of “pat on the back.” So much for that.

Unrelated: Check out these awesome tips they give as part of their “underweight treatment.”

Drink 6-8 glasses of distilled water a day.
Eat frequent but small meals.
Eat lots of raw fruits and vegetables (green leafy vegetables are great)
Do not drink coffee, alcohol, soda pop,…
Do not eat processed foods; white sugar, white flower,…
Avoid red meat and animal fats.
Reduce intake of dairy products.

(Yes, you read that correctly. Interesting, no?)

The fact is – numbers don’t plague me. Appearances don’t plague me. That is why I’m divulging all this. My weight in lbs, in BMI, or in the size of my thighs matters very little to me. That’s not what my eating disorder is about.

It’s most certainly NOT about comparing myself to others.

It’s about how I feel from the inside out – the feeling of “me” inside my skin. I relate to my bones, I guess…anything that is not my bone is foreign to me.

It’s nothing short of insane. Am I scaring you?

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It would be a lie to write that I’m not trying to lose weight.

But I’m failing. My heart is not in it anymore. I like food. 

I am walking with a God who will not let me go and I have faith I will come out the other side with a great big pair of thighs butterfly wings.

 

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Gather around boyfriends and girlfriends…settle down and grab a seat. Criss cross applesauce.Shhh….inside voices.

It’s time for a story. Today’s share?

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Interpreted by Miss. Caterpillar

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That would be me.

We have to learn a whole lot of stuff during our lives. Growing up, we had to master skills that now come naturally to us. Like walking and talking. And making cereal.

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But even when we’re grown, life continues to require us to learn. Sometimes we learn things that aren’t good for us. Bad habits like spending too much, having a short temper, smoking or eating too much.

We find ourselves flat on our backs.

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Sometimes we have to re-learn skills that should be natural to us but aren’t — like how to do life without a vice. IMG_0019

There are people to help us get on our feet, books to read and support meetings to attend, prayer to be done. But even God wants us to succeed on our own so we are stronger.

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Ultimately we’re on our own.

Change takes a lot of practice. We find ourselves flat on our backs again.

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And again.

Loved ones can encourage us, but they can’t do it for us. Even though we know better, we continue to do the things we don’t want to do. We’re clumsy.

But we’re not defeated. We try again. And again.

One day something’s going to click.

We’ll find the motivation we need – even if it means being scared shirtless. You go bankrupt, your marriage falls apart, your health deteriorates. Your motivation to change becomes stronger than the will to stay the same. 

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Something will click, I have faith. Sooner or later…

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We nail the landing. Score a perfect 10 and take home the Gold.

That victory will be worth all the time spent on our backs wondering how the heck we’re gonna get it right. Amen?

You can learn a lot from a beetle.

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  • What’s one change you’ve made that you’re proud of?
  • Is there something in your life you are being clumsy about?

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I’ve been thinking and guess what? 

There are some thinks I think you should know.

Because.

#1

Fozzie has Kentucky Fried Fur.

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imagesCA9ZYQLW 32548-fozzy_bear

#2

The dots on lowercase letters are tittles, which I think is a cute word. It reminds me of skittles. Were you thinking something more …titillating?

Then you’re a dirty birdy. Tsk-Tsk.

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#3

My Kimchi is beautiful.

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#4

You should try putting salt in your chocolate milk. (If you want). It’s magically delicious.

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#5

Someone needs to hurry up and market an umbrella that folds upwards already. Seriously.

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I just thought you should know.

Because. That’s why.

  • Learn anything new today?
  • What do you think I should know?

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